Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?

nic5483

I'm sure this has been asked before, but I'd love some feedback.

My wedding is five months away and I have a strong feeling one of my maids is going to back out due to financial reasons. If this does happen, my first instinct is not to replace her, as it may be considered tacky to ask someone else at this point. 

However, I do have another person in mind that I would consider. This person is a new friend who I did not now well enogh at the time of my engagement to ask to be in the wedding, but based on how our friendship has blossomed, I would totally consider her now. I actually had considered adding her anyway at one point, but decided against it due to bugetary concerns.

Do you all think it's totally rude to ask someone as a replacement? Has anyone ever done this or been asked?

rsanna

Yes, it would be rude.  Go with your gut instinct and if the BM bails and don't replace her. No one wants to feel like they are second best.  It is like getting picked last for kickball. 

Peledreamsofrain

Yes it's deeply rude to do that to someone, and basically tells them you think they are second rate. Now, a grey area would be to ask her now to join, regardless of wether the other girl drops out or not.

zantster

If it helps, one of mine just backed out a few days ago due to unforeseen financial and family hardship reasons.  I have not thought once about replacing her.  Most people on TK post-wedding have commented that a smaller WP would have been better at the end of the day. So this is sort of like having a good sized WP by attrition!  For what it's worth, if everyone dropped out I would still be fine with no WP at all though I would be worried about what the heck was going on.  But the main thing is if it happens you asked them to be a part and they know you wanted them there in a place of honor.  Hopefully they would still be able to be a guest.

nic5483

Thanks for the feedback! This confirms how I've always felt, I just started second guessing myself when my fiance asked who I'd replace her with if she were to bail.

lauralaur

If you want this other girls in the wedding party just ask her, regardless of wether the other bridesmaid does drop out. If you think she might wonder why she was a late addition you could just explain that you've been thinking about your friendship and you guys have grown closer recently and it would mean a lot to have her up there with you.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:6fafc231-cdf2-4923-8f75-26de885a2427">Re: Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE]You wedding is in April so I suppose it's early enough to still ask her if she wants to be in the wedding like Pele said.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

I agree with the sentiment but I'd be concerned that if her financial ship has not righted itself she might feel a bit uneasy about being asked, which would remind her that she couldn't afford it and make her say no again.  That could strain the friendship too.  It'd be better to tell her that if things change on her end by such and such a time she's welcome to still join the WP but leave it up to her to reapproach the OP about that by the deadline.

Jen4948

Don't replace her.  Go with the attitude that had it been possible for her to participate, she would still be your bridesmaid.  Replacing her says that having someone wearing the dress and walking down the aisle is more important than her relationship with you, and that's hurtful.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Replace? Inapproriate. Add people in a reasonable amount of time? Not inappropriate. For example, you can ask your sister at 10 months out, but maybe you ask 2 more friends at 7 months out. As long as no one feels like a replacement and has ample time to get a dress and hasn't missed major things the BMs have done (planning parties, for example), you could pull it off like you just took your sweet time getting your BM list together.

If you asked all your other BMs a year ago, dresses have been picked, and you're pretty sure she KNOWS you already have your BMs, don't do it. MAYBE if you add her now, before the other BM drops out, so it doesn't seem like a replacement.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:f452d4b0-8d65-4e59-a2a4-6c85212a4aac">Re: Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails? : I think we are talking about two different things.  I was referring to her second friend that she wants to ask.  Sorry, I should have been more clear :-)
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

Ohh! Thanks.  Reading comprehension is important. He he<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

nextrightthing

I have been asked to be a replacement BM.  I wasn't horribly offended, to be honest.  It wasn't as if I didn't know I was probably her 5th closest friend as opposed to her 4th closest friend, if that makes any sense.  But I still wouldn't do it as a bride.

jenajjthr

I got asked by a high school friend to be a replacement BM when one of hers had to back out.  I don't remember being upset about it at the time, but I was honest that I didn't know how I could afford it (I lived out of state, could only travel back for the wedding).  She was so awesome, paid for half the dress and paid for my hair and makeup (it wasn't required). 

Depending on how this new friend feels, she may be insulted, she may not.  But I would err on the side of caution and go with worst case scenario and not ask her if it comes off like being a replacement.  But if you haven't done the typical BM's things (dress shopping, parties) and you really really would like her in, then go ahead and ask now. 

FutureMrsMDJahnke

I personally think if it is a friendship that has only blossomed recently it would not be offensive to ask her later. Why would it be? She knows you have only recently become close. However, I wouldn't make it a "replacement", because that could make your other friend feel bad. Add her, if you want to, regardless of whether the other drops out ir not.

cheliew

Haven't thought about this too much, but I have a question... if you don't replace the bridesmaid, what do you do with the "extra" groomsman if you intended to have pairs of attendants?

lauraanne9

Is it out of the question to help her pay for the cost of the bridesmaid things?  Our best man and one of our bridesmaids was not able to pay for their portion of the wedding costs.  We stepped in and paid their costs to keep them in the wedding.  Yes, it likely meant that we were not able to possibly have something else at the wedding as this did come out of our budget, the people were what mattered the most.

arco13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:84f690c2-4d65-4c75-9acf-3f7e2b1bd71a">Re:Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think if it is a friendship that has only blossomed recently it would not be offensive to ask her later. Why would it be? She knows you have only recently become close. However, I wouldn't make it a "replacement", because that could make your other friend feel bad. Add her, if you want to, regardless of whether the other drops out ir not.
Posted by FutureMrsMDJahnke[/QUOTE]

<div>Completely agree with this. While I still agree it's never really fair to replace someone, I do think it's completely ok to add this person a bit later, because it's not like you really knew her when you asked your BMs.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, may I ask, what budgetary concerns do you have with adding a BM? If she's close enough to be conidered, I would imagine she's already on the guest list for the wedding, so that doesn't add a cost. Unless the rehearsal dinner budget is already suuuper tight, or you're doing something like paying for them to get their hair done or their shoes or something, I don't see where the extra cost of having another BM comes in.</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?:[QUOTE]Haven't thought about this too much, but I have a question... if you don't replace the bridesmaid, what do you do with the quot;extraquot; groomsman if you intended to have pairs of attendants? Posted by cheliew[/QUOTE]

She can either not pair them up which the bridal party will LOVE her for or he can have two groomsman for one of the bridesmaid. easy peasy.

OP, if as you get closer to your wedding you and this new friend are still close, maybe you could ask her to do a reading or something?

pearlaqua

I think the only way to "replace" a bridesmaid is if no one but the bride knows who's been asked.  I never know when the other bridesmaids were asked to be in a wedding, except when a bride mentioned calling our other friend right after having lunch with the three of us who lived in town.

Even then, it's sketch unless, like with OP the relationship grew very close very recently.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:7f3c1a11-4aa0-4f37-8e62-671fcc4fb746">Re: Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE]Haven't thought about this too much, but I have a question... if you don't replace the bridesmaid, what do you do with the "extra" groomsman if you intended to have pairs of attendants?
Posted by cheliew[/QUOTE]

We had 3 GMs, 2 BMs and a bridesman. So 4 guys and 2 girls. They all walked in an out separately. I personally think "pairing" them up is a little weird. Most of them didn't know each other well (3 lived out of state).

amandanicole1828

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:effd1627-6b9f-40fd-8c83-2b9ebfd7383a">Re:Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE] Now, a grey area would be to ask her now to join, regardless of wether the other girl drops out or not.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
These were my thoughts

CasaGris

My MOH bailed shortly after we got engaged... And like you, I had recently became very close to someone else (actually the wife of one of the groomsmen I hadn't met yet). Her and I hit it off immediately. I just knew I wanted to ask her and I mentioned it very casually and she was THRILLED! So now they can walk down the aisle together and their son and daughter are actually going to be involved too! 

Anyway... A true friend would be excited to have such a special part of your big day, they wouldn't be thinking about the other stuff or who is closest or asked first. That is very juvenile. If you know this new friend well enough, then you will know how she would feel prior to even asking her! 

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-replace-a-bridesmaid-who-bails?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcec49d1-6bab-4a5a-a43d-d8278a365781Post:7f3c1a11-4aa0-4f37-8e62-671fcc4fb746">Re: Is it ever appropriate to replace a bridesmaid who bails?</a>:
[QUOTE]Haven't thought about this too much, but I have a question... if you don't replace the bridesmaid, what do you do with the "extra" groomsman if you intended to have pairs of attendants?
Posted by cheliew[/QUOTE]

That shoild be the least of your worries. My sister had 6 girls and her huisband had 10 guys... it doesn't have to match. We all walked by ourselves but I have been at weddings where they had 2 guys to a girl or 2 girls to a guy. It's fine.