Concerns re: religious ceremony (kinda long)

mamameech

I am really struggling with the reading selection for the ceremony; so much so, that a part of me wishes we were not getting married in a church.
A little background... I grew up in practicing roman catholic family. I went to french catholic school, was actively involved in the church as a child and as a tween and never missed a Sunday mass. Well, as a teen, I got sick; I suffered depression and eating disorders. It really shook my faith and to be honest, it really left a sour taste in my mouth in regards to organised religion. Having teachers and family come see me in the hospital and "pray for my forgiveness" when I was suffering as much as I was, really pushed me away. (I do understand the importance of religion in people's lives and by no means want to be disrespectful to their beliefs. It's a personal choice. I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.)
FI's family are all very active in the Lutheran church and he still tries to go to service on Sundays. We had originally wanted to be married outside the church; we thought it would be easier than picking one of our religions over another (save issues with the families), but FI's mother wasn't too keen on that. FI then expressed his desire to be married in his church, and knowing how much it meant to him (and the fact that I do like the Pastor), I said ok (my mom wasn't so keen on it but understood the reasons). I haven't really had any second thoughts until recently.
I really enjoy our sessions with the Pastor (marriage prep); he's very modern and I do like our discussions. I may not be very "religious" but I am spiritual. I believe in being a good person and doing good things, so we get along haha. But there are lot of things about the scriptures that don't sit well with me. I can't seem to find readings that express words I 100% agree with and I definitely don't want readings that I don't believe in; it just seems wrong.
I haven't mentioned this to FI or to the Pastor... yet. I plan to bring it up tomorrow at our session but I'd like to give FI the heads up. I'm not sure how it will go, and I'm not sure what will happen if I don't just go along with it all.
Ladies, what are your thoughts on this? Should I just suck it up for FI? Should I even bring it up?

romamor4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_concerns-re-religious-ceremony-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:206cfd4e-5849-4c80-99b8-f0885d19ad08Post:e7197012-6ed4-4f6c-9638-ec502332a51b">Concerns re: religious ceremony (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am really struggling with the reading selection for the ceremony; so much so, that a part of me wishes we were not getting married in a church. A little background... I grew up in practicing roman catholic family. I went to french catholic school, was actively involved in the church as a child and as a tween and never missed a Sunday mass. Well, as a teen, I got sick; I suffered depression and eating disorders. It really shook my faith and to be honest, it really left a sour taste in my mouth in regards to organised religion. Having teachers and family come see me in the hospital and "pray for my forgiveness" when I was suffering as much as I was, really pushed me away. (I do understand the importance of religion in people's lives and by no means want to be disrespectful to their beliefs. It's a personal choice. I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.) FI's family are all very active in the Lutheran church and he still tries to go to service on Sundays. We had originally wanted to be married outside the church; we thought it would be easier than picking one of our religions over another (save issues with the families), but FI's mother wasn't too keen on that. FI then expressed his desire to be married in his church, and knowing how much it meant to him (and the fact that I do like the Pastor), I said ok (my mom wasn't so keen on it but understood the reasons). I haven't really had any second thoughts until recently. I really enjoy our sessions with the Pastor (marriage prep); he's very modern and I do like our discussions. I may not be very "religious" but I am spiritual. I believe in being a good person and doing good things, so we get along haha. But there are lot of things about the scriptures that don't sit well with me. I can't seem to find readings that express words I 100% agree with and I definitely don't want readings that I don't believe in; it just seems wrong. I haven't mentioned this to FI or to the Pastor... yet. I plan to bring it up tomorrow at our session but I'd like to give FI the heads up. I'm not sure how it will go, and I'm not sure what will happen if I don't just go along with it all. Ladies, what are your thoughts on this? Should I just suck it up for FI? Should I even bring it up?
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I honestly think you answered your own question! Bring it up tomorrow in a humble manner at your session. Lay out your feelings on the table. I'm sure that, if you truly like this pastor and the sessions you've been having, he/she will completely understand and be willing to guide you. FI I'm sure would understand as well. That being said, I am going to have the same issues as you. Once again, we have so much alike!</div><div>
</div><div>I didn't grow up in a religious family, but I became very religious in college, moved to Rome afterwards and converted to Catholocism becoming very devoted. A few years back, something tragic happened to me and I lost my faith. I knew I would still be spiritual, but I just couldn't follow organized religion anymore. I still have a love for the Catholic church, how could I not, I lived in Rome for three years! lol But I just feel strange about it still since what happened to me.</div><div>
</div><div>When I met FI, I was in the middle of a period of rebelliion. The funny thing is that he is very spiritual as well, but not religious too. BUT he grew up in the Catholic church...his father is a former priest and his mother (before she passed) was a former nun!!! FI was never hard core religious though. BUT he wanted to get married in the Catholic church, as did I, just because I still have a love for the church, just not an agreement with it. </div><div>
</div><div>Unfortunately we can't do that. My ex-husband has been stalling our anullment since 2007 and it's still not done. FI's is done, but mine isn't. So we picked the Methodist church, which I grew up in, to get married. I'm happy, but the fact that they won't allow secular music there bothers me. It just reminds me how I just can't relate with organized religion anymore....<sigh> So if you have any advice for me after tomorrow, please share! lol <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /> </div><div>
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wineo929

I agree with roma.. If you bring it up at your session, your pastor might be able to help you find a reading that works for you.

We're getting married in an Episcopalian Church and we can change around our service to take out things like "obey."

Let us know!!

mamameech

We did have the discussion about the "submit". Pastor actually brought up the fact that we could switch the word because he undertands the negative connotation but he did explain the use of the word in the passage (which is actually nice than it sounds).

ErinW1912

I say bring it up to FI first about your concerns and then talk about it in your session. Also I grew up in the church but not getting married in one  (long story) and the one question I have is these passages are they in contexts or out of contexts?-this makes a big difference to their meaning. it is what the passage means that bothers you and it is out of context or the meaning with it in context? If it is just the passage out of context that bothers you then add the context if is the whole passage in the context then look for something else is my suggestion. hopefully your FI will understand-i think it is all in the approach. 

I will give you an example of a very misonstrued passage that many ppl use especially around weddings:

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord-Colossians 3:18. many end at that verse and do not go on to read verse 19 which is :Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh them.

hopefully these readings do not content these two verses but I would just talk about how these passages make you feel and the reason you are not 100% on wanting them done at the wedding. perhaps even find a few alternatives that you are more comfortable with. 

josephwedding

biblegateway.com is a good source to look up verses mamameech. I'd stick with either New International Version (NIV), English Standard Version (ESV) or New Living Translation (NLT).

Matthew 19:4-6 is a good verse. And ther is always 1 Corinthians 13

hollyweenOR

I agree that bringing it up with the pastor is a good idea- he'll know the scripture probably better than you or your fi and if you can voice your concerns, he can find something that speaks to you and for you. 

mamameech

Erin, I think it's more about my core faith or lack there of that makes the passages hard to swallow. It's terrible to admit, but I'd rather not mention God in the passages. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but is it God's work? I dunno.

I chatted with FI and it didn't go over well. He thinks no one will even care what is read at the ceremony so what dif does it make? Totally missed the point. When I tried to explain it he just got defensive and told me that's it's just 45 minutes of my life wasted. I dropped it. I kinda fear bringing it up to Pastor; I don't want to insult him or his faith. I'm worried he'll tell me to get married elsewhere lol. Seriously tho, how do you tell a Pastor that you're not sure if you believe in God? 

This whole issue has brought forth additional concerns about children; how do we raise children in "faith" if I don't have any? Ugh. 

Maybe I'm over thinking this...

romamor4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_concerns-re-religious-ceremony-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:206cfd4e-5849-4c80-99b8-f0885d19ad08Post:3df6e020-7afc-4ca4-b8a6-f4e15051e56c">Re: Concerns re: religious ceremony (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Erin, I think it's more about my core faith or lack there of that makes the passages hard to swallow. It's terrible to admit, but I'd rather not mention God in the passages. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but is it God's work? I dunno. I chatted with FI and it didn't go over well. He thinks no one will even care what is read at the ceremony so what dif does it make? Totally missed the point. When I tried to explain it he just got defensive and told me that's it's just 45 minutes of my life wasted. I dropped it. I kinda fear bringing it up to Pastor; I don't want to insult him or his faith. I'm worried he'll tell me to get married elsewhere lol. Seriously tho, how do you tell a Pastor that you're not sure if you believe in God?  This whole issue has brought forth additional concerns about children; how do we raise children in "faith" if I don't have any? Ugh.  Maybe I'm over thinking this...
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]



You are definitely not over thinking this! It is a good time to be bringing these concerns up with FI especially. You might as well hash it out now before you are years down the road and ready to have more kids. Atleast you can hopefully find peace so that you can live with yourself and your decisions during the ceremony.

I think FI did totally miss the point. He needs to be more sensitive to your feelings. My guess is that he feels threatened and is reacting defensively because of it. Has he always been very into the faith? I didn't get that impression from you before, but if not, what is bringing this sudden defensiveness about? At this point it's not about just getting through it. It's about you feeling free during the ceremony and speaking from the heart. That is why you're getting married, right??

I'd try to bring it up again. Maybe try approaching it from the perspective of you needing help to arrive where he is at, that you want to be where he is at. That might tear down some of the walls he's built in regards to it.

I totally plan on being honest with our pastor about it. There are ways you can be honest without being harsh. Believe me, these people are doing what they're doing to bring people closer to God. If they don't help you, then they are not doing their job. Good luck, lady!! I'm rooting for you!

volleygurl0306

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_concerns-re-religious-ceremony-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:206cfd4e-5849-4c80-99b8-f0885d19ad08Post:58593b2b-f438-4443-83fc-77ef615e718b">Re: Concerns re: religious ceremony (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Concerns re: religious ceremony (kinda long) : You are definitely not over thinking this! It is a good time to be bringing these concerns up with FI especially. You might as well hash it out now before you are years down the road and ready to have more kids. Atleast you can hopefully find peace so that you can live with yourself and your decisions during the ceremony. I think FI did totally miss the point. He needs to be more sensitive to your feelings. My guess is that he feels threatened and is reacting defensively because of it. Has he always been very into the faith? I didn't get that impression from you before, but if not, what is bringing this sudden defensiveness about? At this point it's not about just getting through it. It's about you feeling free during the ceremony and speaking from the heart. That is why you're getting married, right?? I'd try to bring it up again. Maybe try approaching it from the perspective of you needing help to arrive where he is at, that you want to be where he is at. That might tear down some of the walls he's built in regards to it. I totally plan on being honest with our pastor about it. There are ways you can be honest without being harsh. <strong>Believe me, these people are doing what they're doing to bring people closer to God. If they don't help you, then they are not doing their job. Good luck, lady!! I'm rooting for you!</strong>
Posted by romamor4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is exactly what I was going to say.  If you can't be honest with your husband to-be and someone committed to God, who can you be honest with?  Those are two people who should be most eager to hear out your concerns and help you through doubts and want you to be comfortable at your ceremony.  I also agree with a PP that said 1 Corinthians 13.  This is what we are using because we are thru and thru an agnostic couple.</div><div>
</div><div>I was born and raised Catholic like you.  I was pretty straight-edge about my faith through college actually.  After college I met FI.  After going to high school and college at schools with predominantly Catholic, white upper middle class students, FI was refreshing.  He is black, his family was Christian then Muslim then Christian again.  He is a  self-proclaimed agnostic as he hates organzied religion (and he doesn't necessarily think of God specifically but just a high being).  His family is very diverse and came from near nothing and worked their butts to become upper middle class.  I respected that diversity and maybe even craved it.  My boring whitebread family tried to the Catholic church against my relationship.  How I was sinning because he wasn't Catholic and "living in sin."  I no longer go to church or really consider myself a Catholic.  I hadn't lost faith in God persay, but I have lost faith in churches.  When my family did this I started to realize how people constantly use religion to judge other people's lives and it made me angry.  We chose not to get married in a church for this reason.  However, we are having a blessing over us and we are reading Corinthians because it is focus on love, not religion.  FI and I have discussed the how do we raise kids thing.  We have some time to nail out the details but we do know there will be a be nice to others and be tolerant of others at the center of it.  I struggle with the idea of kids who don't believe in God but can't stomach having kids who have the poignant religious restrictions shoved down their throats either.  It will be something that evolves as both FI and my faiths evolve (as it does throughout life).</div><div>
</div><div>Best of luck with another attempt at a convo with FI and/or the pastor.  This is a sensitive topic to broach but doesn't mean it should be hard or not a respectful convo.  Big Hugs though!!!!

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