Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long)

jezpez717

I just got an email from my FI

2 parts of it sucked
#1. We were using a distant family member as a DJ, I had been trying to get in contact with them for over a Month to get them to come see the venue to find out where they will be set up etc. and they never responded, my FMIL finally had to talk to them to find out what was up. Turns out they couldnt figure out the nicest way to tell me they think I dont like them. WTH.. basically he thinks I think he is too old and will do something to embarass us or ruin the wedding (which i half heartedly do feel). The wife runs a DJ company and says they can send us a list of people to meet with if we decide to go with someone else.

UGH so now this is all on me, if I lie and say that I do want to use them there is this weird feeling because I know they think I didnt like them. and secretely I will think they are too old and will possibly not do a good job.. On the other hand if we go with another DJ from the company I feel like then they will know that was true

#2 suck part of the email
My FI basically went off on me for asking him to send an email I had asked him to send a week ago to his GM. Saying that he hasnt gotten a break, hasnt had a day off bla blah.  He works full time, and does a side etsy business. He spends hours and $100 a month on the gym.  He is now complaining that he spent 5 hours cleaning the house and is going to wake up early to clean some more.  I work full time night shift 12 hour shifts and pick up so I get a full 80 hours per 2 weeks. Which means basically I am sleeping the day before work and then when I get off work, and its really hard for me to get things accomplished at night. 

I dunno if its wedding stress/ monetary stress but its like we keep having this conversation of I want him to stop trying to work so much and just focus on more important things. And he feels like he isnt contributing unless its monitarily. 

ugh all of this happened while im at work and now im super pissed off and upset.. and tomorrow we have a dance lesson and going out for my birthday and all I wanna do is give my FI the silent treatment. 
 

CowgirlK39

Oh girl Major hugs for you.

#1- How would they ruin you wedding? I guess because I don't know them I don't understand how just because they are old they would mess something up. Are they forgettful? Or don't have modern music? I guess I need more info to decide what to do, because right now it sounds like you might just be worrying needlessly and may have caused a family riff because of it, but I don't know how they are as DJs.

#2- I know how this feels. You have the "I work more than you" conversation and it goes nowhere. My FI just started working steadily this spring and some days he works 15 hours, so I understand. But I've been working 12 hour days 3-5 days a week for the past two years and the rest are 8 hour days, but ya know... he works harder somehow! Don't fall into that trap. Either tell him if he wants HIS GMs to know something, then HE can deal with it, even if that means letting the dishes sit for a minute or maybe *gasp* not going to the gym! Or just do all important things yourself. Sometimes the best compromise is just to go behind the men and do it your way. My Fi is notorious for letting things go until they get ruined. He left our hunting shotguns in his truck for months. I told him they MUST come out and he kept saying "Oh they are fine." Well he cleaned his truck out and saw that 3 require severe cleaning and one that doesn't belong to us is pretty much ruined. So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to go get them outta there myself because he I know he won't.

Good luck

jezpez717

#1, they just didnt know any of the music we were talking about. And they kept talking about doing super cheesey stuff like having the grooms men do saturday night fever during the garter toss..  Basically I would have to spend money buying all the songs because they didnt know most of them.


#2 I have said multiple times that I would message his GM the thing because I had already typed it out. I had asked him to do other stuff for the GM and when I offered to message them or ask them about it he would get all mad and by like No ill do it! I already feel like im doing 90% of the wedding stuff, dealing with his GM stuff is kinda going to make me go bat $h*t crazy .. even his GM who is married to one of my BM said "oh he was supposed to send me something, that means ill probably get it in 3 weeks*... he is a known procrastinator so I try and make him do stuff early so it will get done on time.

calindi

I think #1 sounds complicated and tricky.  I would go with your gut and hire someone outside, but lie through your teeth and tell them it's because you want to show them how much you DO like them and want them to be a guest, not a vendor, at your wedding.  And that you'd be happy to have them MC part of the reception or something.  I dunno, throw 'em a bone?

I think #2 sounds like something that needs to be dealt with quickly.  You're putting down your FI in a very public place.  My FI will ultimately make more than I do (he's been a broke student for the last 3 years, but that's currently changing) and I would be really mortified if he spoke about me in the same way you just spoke about your FI.  It's about being a team, and most importantly about respecting each other.  It doesn't sound like you respect your FI or think he's an equal team player.  This sounds like something that needs to be dealt with in pre-marital counseling because the resentment will build up on both sides and will create a far bigger problem.

CowgirlK39

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_feel-like-ive-been-hit-by-a-ton-of-bricks-rediculously-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:4244d90b-eba2-4b71-8d9e-976a368fcbecPost:845d4271-150e-4578-8800-9dd9ecff2b03">Re: Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think #1 sounds complicated and tricky.  I would go with your gut and hire someone outside, but lie through your teeth and tell them it's because you want to show them how much you DO like them and want them to be a guest, not a vendor, at your wedding.  And that you'd be happy to have them MC part of the reception or something.  I dunno, throw 'em a bone? I think #2 sounds like something that needs to be dealt with quickly.  You're putting down your FI in a very public place.  My FI will ultimately make more than I do (he's been a broke student for the last 3 years, but that's currently changing) and I would be really mortified if he spoke about me in the same way you just spoke about your FI.  It's about being a team, and most importantly about respecting each other.  <strong>It doesn't sound like you respect your FI or think he's an equal team player.  This sounds like something that needs to be dealt with in pre-marital counseling because the resentment will build up on both sides and will create a far bigger problem.
</strong>Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

But don't we all just wanna slap our FI's at some time? I mean, people are all different and sometimes things just don't mesh. I wouldn't say she has a fundamental issue here, just that they have different styles of dealing with priorities. If she was calling him bad names and he was staying out all night and never coming home, I would say she would have a fundamental issue there. I think this is just a personality difference that we all encounter, IMO.

As for the DJs, I would really recommend you and FI talk to his family about this. If they are really out of touch and still think its 1981 or something, then maybe your IL's can give some advice on how to break it to them that it just won't work out. I agree with PP though that maybe you can include them somehow. BUT.... I would look to see if any other DJs even have openings at this point. It's getting close to crunch time and a lot are probably pretty booked. Don't burn a bridge too soon.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_feel-like-ive-been-hit-by-a-ton-of-bricks-rediculously-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:4244d90b-eba2-4b71-8d9e-976a368fcbecPost:2b0da57d-6004-43f7-9aa8-a007ebd95274">Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long)</a>:
[QUOTE]#2 suck part of the email <strong>My FI basically went off on me for asking him to send an email I had asked him to send a week ago to his GM. <u>Saying that he hasnt gotten a break, hasnt had a day off bla blah</u>.  He works full time, and does a side etsy business. He spends hours and $100 a month on the gym.  He is now complaining that he spent 5 hours cleaning the house and is going to wake up early to clean some more.  I work full time night shift 12 hour shifts and pick up so I get a full 80 hours per 2 weeks.</strong> Which means basically I am sleeping the day before work and then when I get off work, and its really hard for me to get things accomplished at night.  I dunno if its wedding stress/ monetary stress but its like we keep having this conversation of I want him to stop trying to work so much and just focus on more important things. And he feels like he isnt contributing unless its monitarily.  ugh all of this happened while im at work and now im super pissed off and upset.. and tomorrow we have a dance lesson and going out for my birthday and all I wanna do is give my FI the silent treatment.  :( 
Posted by jezpez717[/QUOTE]

She deleted part of it - she previously said something to the effect of "(and doesn't bring in much money from either)" in regards to his two jobs.  The fact that's she's 'blah, blah, blah' towards his contributions, both as jobs and cleaning the house, and then chalks up the $100 and time he spends at the gym makes me raise my eyebrows.  Does he hold the hair cut, color, nail appointments, waxing, shoe buying, etc. against her?  Because I'm guessing, if she's anything like most of us, she has a vice or two that she spends money or time on that he won't understand or do, but will likely respect and accept. 

Anyway, I still maintain that if you have these kinds of issues, therapy can't hurt.  I wouldn't go comparing how much I work to how much my future spouse works on a public forum, nor would I bring up how much more I contribute financially than he does in a mocking way indicating he should have time to do the things I ask of him.   I think it's disrespectful and indicates that there's some resentment of who contributes what to the relationship, on both sides, and both partners are feeling unappreciated.  That's not a good thing - not unusual, but should be addressed before it becomes a bigger problem.

CowgirlK39

I saw that part before she deleted it. I don't think her intention was to make us think she doesn't appreciate his hard work, but instead that he is focused on things that really can wait (the gym, some house chores, etc) and instead that he got angry at her for not doing something that honestly he could have done himself. I think its a bit more distressing that he can't prioritize or agree to help out instead of doing things that don't honestly matter (or at least not as much as getting certain important wedding things done). Not to mention, what ever happened to "Let your FI deal with his GMs" as TK always preaches?

I'm not trying to start an arguement but instead better understand the OP. I guess I empathize with her too because my FI is a massive procrastinator. Just like how I have not met with a single vendor yet because they are all people FI knows and he just hasn't bothered to call them yet. Some guys are just like that and we who love them learn to work around it. It doesn't mean it isn't frustrating but it sure doesn't mean we are doomed to divorce either. So I guess I understand her rant.

wcasar

Oh my... For part #1, does your FI have any worries about the DJ? If you both feel the same, then MOVE ON. If he doesn't then yes, you will have issues that need to be worked out soon.

 Let me know if you need any recommendations. We have a friend that DJs and did my FI's Brothers Wedding and would be doing ours if he didn't already have a contract signed for another bride.

As for part #2, take a breath. Put the wedding stuff on hold for one day and do something with him and don't mention wedding stuff. As it becomes everyone's crunch time we all need a break and a breather otherwise we will all end up fighting. One you two have a nice evening in or out, then you can both calmly work though this. Or do what I would do, send the email to the GM for your FI. Take control over his assignment.

volleygurl0306

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_feel-like-ive-been-hit-by-a-ton-of-bricks-rediculously-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:4244d90b-eba2-4b71-8d9e-976a368fcbecPost:c17db285-edb8-4d40-b49d-7238a6aeb523">Re: Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my... <strong>For part #1, does your FI have any worries about the DJ? If you both feel the same, then MOVE ON. If he doesn't then yes, you will have issues that need to be worked out soon.  Let me know if you need any recommendations. We have a friend that DJs and did my FI's Brothers Wedding and would be doing ours if he didn't already have a contract signed for another bride</strong>. As for part #2, take a breath. Put the wedding stuff on hold for one day and do something with him and don't mention wedding stuff. As it becomes everyone's crunch time we all need a break and a breather otherwise we will all end up fighting. One you two have a nice evening in or out, then you can both calmly work though this. Or do what I would do, send the email to the GM for your FI. Take control over his assignment. :)
Posted by wcasar[/QUOTE]

For part 1 I agree with this.  Let your FI take the lead (and the hit) for this one because it is his family and he should best know how to deal.  Maybe ask around to your WP to see if people already have the songs and can burn them to CDs for the DJs?  May help you from having to buy all of them for a one time use.  If you are paying them though (not sure if you went w/ them because it is free), they should be responsible for finding the music you want.

As for 2 I agree with Cowgirl on being empathetic with you and don't think you have fundamental issues.  Money is hard.  It is a large part of why people divorce (probably the biggest cause).  So to never be frustrated with each other over money means you're lying.  No way we support every purchase our partner is going to make unless we check in before we buy everything down to a pack of gum.  I would be frustrated if my FI was never around and it didn't have a financial payoff.  Especially if he doesn't find joy in his work.  One big thing is I don't think you were given credit for deleting the money thing.  FI totally blind sided you IN AN EMAIL!  I would have been furious not only at what he said but the fact that he emailed you and didn't talk to you face-to-face.  That's BS to me.  So I probably would have said something mean too but I'm sure you deleted when you cooled off and realized it was just out of anger. 

I don't think you need counseling per say but I think an honest conversation would help.  Maybe you both sit down and first tell each other everything you appreciate that the other does.  Then you state where you each could use help from the other.  I know I'd rather my FI clean than do wedding stuff haha.  But I know with my FI who has had a shaky job history, showing my appreciation for the things he does do goes a long way and makes it easier to talk to him about what I need him to do more of.  Men need an ego stroke even when we want to slap them so find the good in what he does too (hey at least you dont have to clean on your birthday, right?).  It is good for his self-esteem and keeps any frustration or God forbid brewing resentment in check.

morenachica110

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_feel-like-ive-been-hit-by-a-ton-of-bricks-rediculously-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:4244d90b-eba2-4b71-8d9e-976a368fcbecPost:66e80c9b-4531-491b-9ea9-ee8afe558812">Re: Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feel like Ive been hit by a ton of bricks (rediculously long) : For part 1 I agree with this.  Let your FI take the lead (and the hit) for this one because it is his family and he should best know how to deal.  Maybe ask around to your WP to see if people already have the songs and can burn them to CDs for the DJs?  May help you from having to buy all of them for a one time use.  If you are paying them though (not sure if you went w/ them because it is free), they should be responsible for finding the music you want. As for 2 I agree with Cowgirl on being empathetic with you and don't think you have fundamental issues.  Money is hard.  It is a large part of why people divorce (probably the biggest cause).  So to never be frustrated with each other over money means you're lying.  No way we support every purchase our partner is going to make unless we check in before we buy everything down to a pack of gum.  I would be frustrated if my FI was never around and it didn't have a financial payoff.  Especially if he doesn't find joy in his work.  One big thing is I don't think you were given credit for deleting the money thing.  FI totally blind sided you IN AN EMAIL!  I would have been furious not only at what he said but the fact that he emailed you and didn't talk to you face-to-face.  That's BS to me.  So I probably would have said something mean too but I'm sure you deleted when you cooled off and realized it was just out of anger.  I don't think you need counseling per say but I think an honest conversation would help.  Maybe you both sit down and first tell each other everything you appreciate that the other does.  Then you state where you each could use help from the other.  I know I'd rather my FI clean than do wedding stuff haha.  But I know with my FI who has had a shaky job history, showing my appreciation for the things he does do goes a long way and makes it easier to talk to him about what I need him to do more of.  Men need an ego stroke even when we want to slap them so find the good in what he does too (hey at least you dont have to clean on your birthday, right?).  It is good for his self-esteem and keeps any frustration or God forbid brewing resentment in check.
Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I totally agree with this. A rant is a rant and we're all here for each other to spout this off. I would sit down with FI and just have aheart to heart. I've had to do this with FI a few times since this wedding craziness began because we all got caught up in our to do list that we disregarded each others' feelings. If you let him know how much it stresses you out having to go behind him to make sure he's doing this stuff, then maybe he can be more open with you. Either way, I hope your birthday dinner goes well! =)

</div>

jezpez717

I had a fun long talk with one of my BM when we were driving to get my dress, while my FI was emailing me more.

My FI explained to me that he wasnt trying to yell at me, he was trying to vent and I am his go to person to vent about things. He just needed a sounding board for all the stress he was goign through.

I came home from my dress fitting and  just went up to him and gave him a big hug. He said "I think we are just stressing each other out"  While we drove to our dance appt we had a discussion about the DJ, and about trying to figure out our priorities.  By the time dance class was over it felt like we were back to normal.