Mother Meltdown

Tyelfe09

First and Formost I want to say hey to EVERYONR this is my first post and im a little nervous, Dont ask me why...so my mother has officially had a breakdown. My fiance's mom came in town and my mother felt like we were leaving her out. She went off on him and me the other night at dinner. She feels like im choosing between her and him. LIL backround, me and mom's have been together since she was 16.Im an only child and I think me leaving the house is a BIG deal to her. It's always been us and now theres another person in the equation...How do I let her know im not kicking her to the curb while trying to maintain a balance. ANY HELP PLEASE???????

lbarr088

This is a tough situation.  I am an only child and when I moved out to live with FI it was a HORRIBLE situation.  It was mainly for reasons that I was moving in with him and we weren't engaged yadda yadda, but the only child thing also had a huge effect.

I think the main thing is to talk to your mom.  Let her know exactly how you feel.  It's better to get everything out in the open then having an elephant in the room.  Agree to call every so often, or get together once a week, etc (that is at your level of comfort... still spending time with her but moving on towards your married life).  

Overall, it sounds like you and your mom are very close.  I'd let her know that you wouldn't be where you are today without her, that you love her a lot and you value the relationship you have.  Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you are gone.  It means you are starting a new life and she doesn't lose you... she gains a son as well.  

Best of luck to you

volleygurl0306

Sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart with mom.  Find out her concerns and how she's feeling.  Find ways to include her, even if it's just calling her once a week to tell her the wedding stuff you did that week.  Also, how well does she know your FI?  Maybe the 3 of you need to spend more time together so she gets to know him better and see what a great guy he is.  Every parent feels some sort of loss when their children get married.  It is an acceptance that we found someone else to put first.  It's not that they aren't happy it's just they know they officially aren't #1 like when we were little.  Especially since you and your mom have that bond, I think you need to cut her a little slack.  Maybe there is a wedding project she can take charge of or you can do just the two of you. 

mamameech

I can imagine your mom is feeling pretty overwhelmed and isn't really communicating her feelings with you as appropriately as you'd like. Talk to her; it would be good for both of you to lay it all out. It's unfortunate that you have deal with this but try to be understanding al the same. I can't even imagine how I"ll feel when my little man goes off and marries and leaves me... *sigh*

Welcome to the board!!!

smartlypretty

My mother and I really, really close but I live with FI now. I usually talk to my mom every day. If not on the phone, then by text message. We also try to hang out one night a week (usually on a Sunday), but it doesn't always happen every week. We've been going around to vendors lately, but if I don't have any appointments we'll go shopping or make cookies or something. Hope this helps. 

rbwashington2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_mother-meltdown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c5df3666-0409-4795-8232-ab8991b9465aPost:a2212096-69b0-4f73-9d41-b61db3abbceb">Mother Meltdown</a>:
[QUOTE]First and Formost I want to say hey to EVERYONR this is my first post and im a little nervous, Dont ask me why...so my mother has officially had a breakdown. My fiance's mom came in town and my mother felt like we were leaving her out. She went off on him and me the other night at dinner. She feels like im choosing between her and him. LIL backround, me and mom's have been together since she was 16.Im an only child and I think me leaving the house is a BIG deal to her. It's always been us and now theres another person in the equation...How do I let her know im not kicking her to the curb while trying to maintain a balance. ANY HELP PLEASE???????
Posted by Tyelfe09[/QUOTE]

Tyelfe09:

I feel your pain beyond words. My FI is an only child and instead of a mother breakdown, it's his father. Granted he has moved out of his father's place more than once, his father is having the same feeling of choosing her over him. FI and I have sat down as a couple and on different times, just one of us with him, to ease his mind about us getting married and maintaining a balance between the two. Its been a rocky few months, but it's getting better.

The best you can do is to have a good heart to heart talk with her. The "empty nest" feeling is just hitting her later than soon, same as my FFIL. As I told him, he is not losing a son, he is gaining a daugther he always wanted and a older "sister" for his son lol

Wish you the best with your wedding and things will get better with your mother, just going to take some time.

mcmeghan311

Hi there, and welcome.  Feel free to look us up and join our FB group if you'd like.

My mom is a lot like yours where she constantly feels upstaged by FI's parents, even if it's completely untrue.  Have they met yet?  I found that that was the point at which my mom started to relax a little.  When she actually met them and realized that they're nice people who don't wish to upstage or exclude her, she stopped freaking out over little things and started to come around.  
  The only child thing is probably a huge deal for her, but maybe sit down and have a heart to heart and let her know that it's hurting you and your relationship with her that she is acting this way.  It is kind of true that you are choosing FI over her in a small sense, since you are choocing to move out and get married, but it would also be ridiculous for her to assume you'd stay in her house and be her baby girl for the rest of your life.  It happens sometimes, but not in this case and she needs to embrace and accept that.  This is a time when you need your mother and would like to share hapiness with her, so her sour attitude is probably going to cause tension between everyone involved, including you and your FI.  
I hope you can come to an understanding and relax, it will make the next 7 months a lot more enjoyable!