Oh the Uninvited Guest

ashlidie

So I work in a lab for a professor as a graduate research assistant.  FI and I are trying to keep our guest list low, so we are each only inviting 4 work friends to the wedding.  If I add more, FI would have to add more.  The venue is already super tight, so adding more, times 2, equals very bad idea.

That said, my lab group has about 10 members in it, and some are married, some even have children, and then this doesn't even include my advisor himself.  Brief run down, we have 3 "post docs" who already have their phds, and then 7 grad students.  So I just decided to have 3 of the grads (who Im closest to basically, and this is clear we all go to lunch together and the others do their own thing too) and one of my best friends on campus to round out the 4 work buds.

The problem is one of the post docs came in yesterday saying how he hopes he can still be here for the wedding and how much he is looking forward to it because he is also hoping to get a job back in his home country by then.  CRAP, he is my superior, and has a wife and if I invited both of them, I can't ignore the other post-doc and his wife, and then can't ignore the visiting professor and his wife since they are all three on an equal ranking in our group.  AND then by doing that, I need to invite the remaining grad students and their spouses (ironically the ones im closest to are not married).  And then remember this means FI has to be treated fairly too, and add all his friends from work, and then theres still my advisor and his family...  you see where im going with this.

I don't know how to address it, I can't just hope he will have his job and not be around.  Problem is in his culture, in fact ive seen the video of his wedding, they have like 600 people there and invite EVERYBODY (well, his and his wife's families are also loaded).  And his upbringing has sort of made him uh, a little pompous lol, so he has both culture and personality basically telling him that he expects to be there lol.  But I really can't add on, we are literally spilling out of the venue and had to rent a tent to butt up against the back side of the barn because my dad decided to add 10 people to the list.

Pwease help :-)  I need a way to politely convey this to him without insulting him, he is a post doc, and thus like a supervisor in my group.

lovefuzzies

I think you might have to go the invite no one from work route (unless you've already invited them).  If you've already invited them I would just let him know you're very very sorry you weren't able to add him to the guest list but the guest list needed to be kept small because of the venue (the because is optional if you feel like you need to provide an explanation for your decision).  It sounds like he might end up hurt if for no other reason than him being from a culture that invites everyone to the parties they have.  But he'll be less hurt if he sees that others from the workplace weren't invited too.  Someone else might have a better suggestion than that, that's just what I've read on different boards.

cnf2013

For now I'd keep it pretty light with something like, "we haven't finalized our guest list yet". When it gets closer, if he's still bringing it up/not moved onto another job, just tell him that in our culture weddings are intimate, meaning family and closest friends only. Since he's a different culture maybe going about it from a cultural standpoint would work since obviously you both have different cultures. If not then be up front and say we don't have a huge budget and we've already maxed it out and cannot afford to invite anymore guests. Apologize for letting him down and don't bring it up if you can avoid it. That's what I'd do at least, I'm sure someone else has better advice, haha

sopraffina

I went to my boss with my uninvited guest problem. I originally wanted her to make a general statement at the meeting that people shouldn't assume unless they get an invitation, but she's not exactly tactful. She went to him and bitched him out. And there are hurt feelings, and it sucks, but he's not coming to my wedding, or the weddings of the two other girls here he invited himself to.

He had been talking about how he might be getting another job and he wanted me to have his phone number so his invitation made it to the right place. Yeah, I'm inviting former coworkers I don't even like. He wouldn't be invited even if I was inviting 600 people! He wouldn't be invited even if I was getting married at work!

ashlidie

lovefuzzies (almost used your real name lol) Unfortunately I have already sent out my save the dates, so my 4 work buddies have already received them..

soprafina, i will be sure not to bring it up to the bi gboss then haha!

cnf- ill probably stick to your method for now, maybe as time goes on i can better gauge if he will be back in his home country or not by the time the wedding comes.

UGH I just don't want to piss him off, he is a big asset to my work but our relationship is purely professional, while my guys here I see outside of work.

sparkles776

I also have an invite woe I will have to post about here or of FB later. I am such a pushover and alwyas worry too much about other peoples feelings over my own, I would probably just cave and invite him. But the problem is that your venue is at max capacity, so you really cant at all. I agree, just keep it really light for now. One thing that I personally dislike but is so common in my FIs work circle is that they only invite a few work people to the whole thing and tell everyone else to come after dinner. My FI was all about it, but I told him all of our guests would be invited to the whole thing.

aquari0216

Keep it simple and inform him that youre having a very intimate wedding and could only invite a few from work and theyve already been informed....dont go a CULTURAL route...its an open door for other issues to arise