Maids question.

brittanycurtisjohnson

I asked my sister to be my MOH in December. At the time she said yeah of course! Now with the wedding coming up she's like I may be there, probably not but maybe. I only have 1 bridesmaid and I think it's rude to be like oh your the MOH if sis doesn't show. Idk what to do or how to respond to anything on this situation. I guess I'll just have like an extra bouquet and like what about bm gifts? Do I just not order hers or what? I feel like its a waste of money if she doesn't show. I've tried being very understanding and offered her ways and help getting here but she's like not accepting them.

cnf2013

Has she already paid for her dress and anything else wedding related? Has she helped you at all? She's still your friend, right? Even if she ends up unable to be there that shouldn't change the fact that you're friends. I'd still buy her a small gift to thank her for helping if she did or to thank her for shelling out any money she already has. 

brittanycurtisjohnson

No she's my one and only sister who happens to live out of state. I let my 2 girls choose thier own dress. She hasn't bought hers yet cause she doesn't know if she's coming. She hasn't helped because she doesn't live here.

mrsjmwolfe

Give her a deadline. I would say (nicely and calmly) that there are many factors that depend on her attendance and you need to know by [enter date here] if she will be attending/an attendant. And I'd make that [enter date here] date ASAP!

cnf2013

Then I would suggest basing it off her reasons for not attending. Is she just blowing off because she doesn't want to go, or can she not swing it/have a conflict/etc?

brittanycurtisjohnson

I have but I feel horrible cause what if she finds out she is coming? She's always "Maybe". And do I replace her?

brittanycurtisjohnson

Her excuse is her dogs. My dad is paying for the trip, my mom is paying for her dress. Her dog isn't allowed outside and it's not potty trained so I don't want it in my house which has brand new carpet and tile I haven't even moved into yet. I did say she could stay in my backyard. And I've opened my home to her and her bf.

emilyb213

mrsjmwolfe has some good advice. And don't replace her. That makes her replacement feel like she is, well, a replacement, and it will make your sister feel expendable. It's okay to not have a maid of honor.

emilyb213

Why can't her dog go to a kennel for the time she's out of town?

NicoleMarcelle

Don't replace her.  You chose her for a reason, it's rude to her and to whomever you decide to put in her place.  Think of it as "second string."  If she comes, have her stand with you.  I would just purchase a small gift to her if you want to do that, to thank her for being MOH.  As for bouquet, let your florist know that she is a maybe, and once her transportation is set, let them know.  They may be flexible.  

Lastly, talk to your sister, figure out what her reasons are, and let her know it means a lot to you that she stand with you on your wedding day.  Since she's out of town, you should have a bit of notice once she arranges to go to your wedding. 

Good luck!

NicoleMarcelle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2013-weddings_maids-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f30b0bfc-508d-415c-bf59-ab83e327da37Discussion:dcd23074-27f6-425a-9834-77e6481b0f9ePost:ff75572e-8ade-4383-a8a5-faac022d9af5">Re:Maids question.</a>:
[QUOTE]Her excuse is her dogs. My dad is paying for the trip, my mom is paying for her dress. Her dog isn't allowed outside and it's not potty trained so I don't want it in my house which has brand new carpet and tile I haven't even moved into yet. I did say she could stay in my backyard. And I've opened my home to her and her bf.
Posted by brittanycurtisjohnson[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok, I just read this portion.  I agree with PP about a kennel/boarding place.  Honestly, as a pet owner, I would never let my dog sleep outside, especially in the summer, and would not leave the house for a trip if I haven't made arrangements for them to be cared for.  The dog could be potty trained in three months.  I don't know how your sister is as a dog owner, but it is definitely doable.  </div><div>
</div><div>As a dog owner, I know I can't travel unless I can make arrangements for my pets, and usually have friends come by and feed/walk my dog and feed the cat.  See if she can find a similar arrangement.  Boarding is a good option as well, we sometimes take my dog to a cageless day-care/boarding place, the only thing is it can get expensive (last time it was $30 per night, now it is more). </div>

heatherk2489

Definitely don't replace her. That would be rude to her and the person you replace her with would know they are the "runner up". 

Talk to your florist, I know my flower girl is a maybe, so it's in the quote/contract, but I can make that change any time. 

You said you have opened your home to your sister and BF, and you would allow the dog in the yard. What if the dog stays in its crate at night and when no one is home (typically dogs don't mess in the crate because it's their home), and on the tiled portions when people are home so it has some room to run . Trust me when I tell you that it can't do much damage to the floor be it tile hardwood or carpet. It's all cleanable. You have the back yard for when it has to go potty, seems like an ideal situation for a potty training puppy to me. 

That way she's not out anymore money, the dog isn't uncomfortable, and you have your maid of honor.

Edited for paragraphs. 

SpringintheCity

Is she trying to figure out arrangements for her dog? Is that why she's consistently a "maybe"? She has very little time to get a dress at this point (I guess she'll be buying something off the rack?). Cold you have a conversation with her about it...she may want to back out, but she might feel bad about doing so. Maybe have a conversation with her about how you would love her to be standing next to you, but if she's unable, then you understand, and ask her to let you know by (X date). But I agree with the girls...don't replace her.

Sjmiller418

All the PP have given good suggestions, a kennel nearby your place could be a good option so that its nearby for her to visit but not going to do any damage to your home.

3 months is a long time away if shes a responsible pet owner she could potty train her dog in a just a couple weeks crate training. Also like others said having the dog stay in the crate at night inside or even during the day while your gone if she really doesnt want her dog outside at all. FInd some baby gates at garage sales and section off the kitchen so if the dog has an accident then its only on tile which is super easy to clean.

If you really want her there there are several ways to make it work with her dog just have to communicate with her to figure out the best option and let her know you want to make it work.

blferguson1s

Her reason for being a maybe seems odd to me. I'm not sure, but I would wonder if there's something else going on.

Others have given you great advice to give her a deadline to make a final decision. If she ends up changing her mind afterwards, she can always attend as a guest.

brittanycurtisjohnson

Supposively she called her kennel there where she lives and for her 2 pitbulls would cost 700$ ( which seems ridiculous to me ). She has had her un-pottyy trained dog for at least a year so I don't see that happening soon. and we literally just put the tile and carpet in last week for move in on 1st of the month, we only plan on living there a little bit then resaling it after i finish school. She complains ALL the time about her dogs tearing up carpet and then wonders why I won't let them in. Plus she said her animals don't get along with people, and I completely agree with the whole deed not breed, but 2 agressive pitbulls in my house with all visiting wedding guests and my own cats (who poop in boxes lol). 

So she doesn't want to pay for a kennel (which is why we are all offering to pay for everything else). 

I felt the same way about replacing her with a friend. I couldn't and wouldnt have the heart to ask anyone else, but I am getting pressure from both moms to match #''s which I think is nuts. 

I did just finish my apt. with the florist and she said she would wait til a month before. I guess if she's not there she's not there. Just sucks cause I was going to work on programs with the cool meet the party stuff. Just seems like I am holding out on stuff cause of school and its spring break lol. I guess I can save her gift for a bday or christmas  

Just read about the kennels by my home, I'll look into that!  Thank you! 

I think we are being very generous and she is being too stuborn. 

Mikesgal419

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just cranky, but unless she gives you a definite, don't buy her a gift. What would you be thanking her for? My sister has been a maybe for a bridesmaid because she wasn't sure if she could buy her dress. I told everyone that I can't help out with the dresses since my other sister was buying hers too and I couldn't afford to buy everyone's. Finally she offered to watch my kids while FI and I are on our honeymoon if I buy her dress. I talked to Fi and my other BM and everyone agreed. I told my sis to call and get her measurements so we could order the dress, she hasn't done it. So, I had to tell her if she doesn't do it soon so we can order her dress, than she can't be in the wedding. I have a ton of non wedding stuff going on (that's another post), that I can barely remember to eat. It may seem nasty, but it's not like you just got engaged and JUST asked her to be your MOH, she has plenty of time to either potty train her dog or board it. I alwasy make arrangements for my pets, the second I know I'll be out of town.
I don't know if I helped or just came across nasty.
Either way, good luck.

brittanycurtisjohnson

also, she lives with my father, and so does her bf, so I suggested his family watch the animals since they used to live with them and I guess they won't even think about it (rude! since my dad takes care of thier kid!!) and my dad doesn't trust her bf to stay home by hisself while he is gone for the week. Ugh!! 

I really hope I don't sound too stuck up for not wanting the dogs in my house, but we seriously just put sooo much money in this house for them to be tearing up doors and carpet and they bark non-stop like they lost thier minds. I can't even talk to her on the phone so long before I get a headache from the background barking. 

brittanycurtisjohnson

Deffinatly not nasty, I meant thats almost the point I'm at. I have work school wedding and house/moving. I don't have time for her back and forth. I will give her a deadline and if she doesn't have a dress/no plans to come by the time the florist needs it I guess she can just be a guest. Which of course I'll get hell for from my mom and dad. It's like a no win situation for me lol. 

Sassenach1743

I really hope I don't sound too stuck up for not wanting the dogs in my house, but we seriously just put sooo much money in this house for them to be tearing up doors and carpet and they bark non-stop like they lost their minds. I can't even talk to her on the phone so long before I get a headache from the background barking. 

Definitely not nasty, I meant that's almost the point I'm at. I have work school wedding and house/moving. I don't have time for her back and forth. I will give her a deadline and if she doesn't have a dress/no plans to come by the time the florist needs it I guess she can just be a guest. Which of course I'll get hell for from my mom and dad. It's like a no win situation for me lol. 

Sounds like you already have your answer. Just move forward with your planning without her. She is the one who is not being flexible nor making any sort of effort to arrange for pet care or finding a dress. Seems her dogs are the priority and not your wedding... which is fine, we all know our weddings are not top priority to anyone other than us. But, she chose to adopt those dogs, which clearly sound out of control (not sure why anyone would want pets that they can't train or control, etc.). Sorry if that sounds nasty, but I'm just being honest.

Anyway, you have enough on your plate. Do not spend one more second worrying about her or those dogs. You've invited her to stand with you as your maid of honor, you've given her ample time to get it together and she hasn't figured anything out yet. At least you're being realistic enough to realize that she probably won't come through so just leave it alone.

If she finds a way to show up, then great. If not, then celebrate your wedding without her. She will be the one to regret it later because it's on her, not you. And if your parents get pissed that she's not coming you can tell them to deal with her directly because you've tried making suggestions and nothing has worked out... As the bride you don't have any more time or energy to deal with this. If they want her there, then let them figure it out. 

As far as both moms wanting even sides (e.g. bridesmaids vs. groomsmen) it doesn't matter! I know you've said that you are aware of this and they are the ones hung up on it... I'd let them know for the last time that you will not replace your sister, you are okay with uneven sides and to please let it go because they are stressing you out and you need them to stop making a big deal out of it. Seriously, I'd totally play the "I'm stressing out!!!" card, it should help to get them to back off. Besides, no one will know if your "one" attendant is a MOH or a BM anyway! Oh, and no, don't get your sister a gift if she doesn't show... no point. 

(Man, I know I sound mean in this post but I promise you that I'm not! I'm just being blunt and hoping that you will stick up for yourself because all of this nonsense is seemingly out of your hands and there is way too much baloney that you're being made to deal with. I'd be like, sorry I don't care about your dogs... they're your pets, so make arrangements for them yourself!)

I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with, but I hope you can get past it and just focus on having a fabulous wedding. And congrats on your new house! FWIW, I wouldn't those dogs in my house either!!! 

brittanycurtisjohnson

Thanks : Sooo since I'm giving her a deadline, what do I tell my parents if she does show and she isn't included? Like I already know my moms gonna be like "let's go get her a dress and flowers" 2 days before if she does show. Any thoughts?

Mikesgal419

You need to stick to your guns. If you sister doesn't have a definitive answer by the deadline you give her, then she isn't in it. Period. Keep your feet firmly planted and don't cave. The whole reason you are giving her a deadline is to release some of the stress of not having an answer from her. Maybe explain it to your mom and kindly ask her to respect your decision.