Church Frustrations

mc4dj13

I am having a pretty easy time with wedding planning (the date is Nov 9 2013) I am ahead of schedule on everything so that this summer I can just relax and enjoy the last few months of single girl-dom!

I am Catholic. Born and raised. My fiance and I have strict Catholic families and we have always planned on having a church wedding. We began the processes with our priest 8 months before the wedding date instead of the sugguested 6 months.

We have both received all the sacraments and have never been married before so I am pretty confident that I wouldn't have to worry about the church aspect especially since they are providing a coordinator.

Getting to my point...dealing with our church has been the MOST difficult part of it all.  Mainly the priest assigned to our wedding. This is my normal parish that I have attended for 20+ years and I am feeling so ignored! I have questions about the mass including specific traditions that i want to include and they refuse to follow up with me. I have left emails, voicemails, and hand written notes. The priest shows up late to our meetings, rushes us, and then cuts our time together short. 

The procedure for a catholic wedding requires us to go to retreats and to sign a lot of paperwork. I wish that the priest was better at being on task and showing as much attention to our wedding as we are! Everytime I call and actually get to speak to him he asks me "When Is your wedding? Well, you have SO much time still" This angers me because just because my wedding is in Nov and not June doesnt mean I have no right to ask questions!

It has been announced that this priest has been assigned to a new parish and will be leaving and will actually NOT be performing at our ceremony but i guess I have to tough it out and see who the new pastor in his place will be.

Please calm my mind and assure me I am not a Bridezilla! 

artbyallie

I realize that other lead-up activities are involved with a Catholic wedding, but there's no need for you to be planning the actual ceremony yet, especially if you don't even know the priest that will be performing it.

FWIW, even though I'm Baptist, not Catholic, my church got a new pastor about 4 months before our wedding, and he performed our ceremony. We were able to meet with him after he started at my church and make arrangements for the ceremony. IIRC, we did this roughly a month or less before the wedding.

With your wedding booked, there is really nothing else to do for your ceremony at 6 months out. Please try to relax and wait for the new priest.

lisabeats

I agree you deserve to be answered and expected and stuff, but from my experience you are just a little too far ahead of the game. My wedding is in August and we haven't talked about the ceremony at all. When we initially met with our priest (~10 months before) he said we really wouldn't until June. Also, if anything it's more complicated, because we're dealing with a priest where we live now, as brand new parishoners, but getting married in my hometown. However, our priest here said that he's handled that before and he will still work with us to put together the ceremony, and then we can take that to my home parish.

Of course, if he's not being helpful with other preparations, I would consider potentially talking to someone else. But at least there IS time, and hopefully will be still when the new pastor comes in.

MrsGandthebeag

I was very much like you annoyed at our venue coordinator for not getting back to me right away, etc.  But, there are so many weddings before yours that you need to chill out a bit.  I had to learn the same lesson.  

vanityink

Another person who understands the frustration about them not responding, but yeah, we booked our church 13 months in advance and started meetings with our pastor soon after, but we didn't discuss the actual ceremony AT ALL until 2 months out.

mc4dj13

Thank you everyone for your advice and sugguestions. The way I look at it is that I am paying this much money as a donation to my church just as I am paying my baker to bake my cake then they need to get back to me within reasonable time. When i meet with my wedding coordinator for the church in June I am going to tell her the experience I have had thus far.

FYI The priest took a vacation (not a vocational-related trip) for 2 weeks and we were not notified. 

I apologize as I am new the board and I havent spent a lot of time looking at the other sections of the forum. I will keep the church-related topicsexlusivley there!

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:a18be0d5-6c31-4276-86ba-4ba4b4f69d69">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advice and sugguestions. The way I look at it is that I am paying this much money as a donation to my church just as I am paying my baker to bake my cake then they need to get back to me within reasonable time. When i meet with my wedding coordinator for the church in June I am going to tell her the experience I have had thus far. FYI <strong>The priest took a vacation (not a vocational-related trip) for 2 weeks and we were not notified</strong>.  I apologize as I am new the board and I havent spent a lot of time looking at the other sections of the forum. I will keep the church-related topicsexlusivley there!
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

No one is required to give you their vacation schedule.  If he missed a meeting that was scheduled during those 2 weeks, I can see you being fussy.  But, you are really way ahead of yourself.  yes, you deserve a response, but it sounds like you have sent more than enough emails, calls, texts, whatever.  Give it a break for 3 months and then revisit this.

MairePoppy

Your first post makes you sound like an over eager bride, the second crosses into bridezilla territory.

Your church isn't like other wedding vendors. You're preparing for a sacrament, just like you prepared for reconciliation and first communion. To compare it to ordering a wedding cake is a bit disrespectful.

Keep in mind that during the last few months, your priests have been involved with Lenten and Easter observances, preparation for first communion, confirmation, RCIA, baptisms, funerals, and ministering to the sick. You're planning one wedding, the church is planning many. They have an order in which they do things. Try to relax.

If you have questions about what can be done during your wedding ceremony, you may be able to find some answers on the 'Catholic Weddings' board:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings

wittykitty14

I'm getting married in a Catholic Church with a full mass.  We first met with our priest 11 months out, just to set a date and cover the basics.  We've had follow up's here and there, and have discussed different things each time.  We started by doing the "Fully Engaged" questionaire, then reviewing our answers.  He gave us possible pre-cana dates, we did that 6 months out to make sure it was done.  We're exactly 3 months away, and we're just barely starting to figure out the details (readings, what happens when, etc).  The only communication we have done with him is in person.  Each meeting, we set up a time to meet again to figure out more.  We figure out nothing over the phone or by email.  The church shouldn't be treated like just any other vendor you have, like say, a cake baker, for example.

Calm down.  Chances are, you're not the only wedding in this church.  Weddings taking place before yours are given priority.  I agree with Marie-this is a SUPER busy time in the Catholic faith.  Those take priority, not your wedding.  I truly understand the desire to get things done early, I'm the same way.  But that needs to be kept in check. And so I don't forget to say it, I'll put it here. You said you want your priest to show as much attention to your wedding as you do. Learn this now: No one cares as much about your wedding as you do.

It's probably a good thing you'll have a different priest.  Maybe you'll like this one more!  Of anything you said, the only thing that sounds reasonable to be annoyed with is the fact that he was late to your appointments and cut your time short.  That would bother me more than anything else. 

Welcome to the boards!  The Catholic board is a pretty good resource for things like this!  Just relax, and trust that your priest has done these before. They know what they're doing.  It'll be ok.

bakerie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:a18be0d5-6c31-4276-86ba-4ba4b4f69d69">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advice and sugguestions. The way I look at it is that I am paying this much money as a donation to my church just as I am paying my baker to bake my cake then they need to get back to me within reasonable time. When i meet with my wedding coordinator for the church in June I am going to tell her the experience I have had thus far. <strong>FYI The priest took a vacation (not a vocational-related trip) for 2 weeks and we were not notified.</strong>  I apologize as I am new the board and I havent spent a lot of time looking at the other sections of the forum. I will keep the church-related topicsexlusivley there!
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]
Why on EARTH would you need to be notified?? I really think you just need to take a step back and calm down. What is so important that it needs to be figured out seven months out? Our wedding is in October and we haven't met with the priest once. We got a form letter from him confirming the date, and I think we'll meet up about a month out.

mc4dj13

Wow ladies, way to stick the knife in and THEN twist it 360 degrees.

I get it, this is all your opinions. Think about how you would be feeling if you were in my shoes and this was the most important day of your life that you had been waiting for for 9 years with the man you love. I am only having a Mass, ladies. I am having a dinner afterwards for our close family and friends. I am fully involved in the sacrament and i know that the church is not just a vendor. This is my wedding, and the only time In my life I am allowed to have such standards. This wedding is on my dime .We realize what is important. I wanted to vent because I was frustrated that the person presiding over the mass wasn't available when I had questions or concerns.

I will not have a first dance, a bouquet toss, a dollar dance...how about you tell me to get over myself now?

daria24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:0fe41a00-a581-4e94-a450-6d04521d308d">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ladies, way to stick the knife in and THEN twist it 360 degrees. I get it, this is all your opinions. Think about how you would be feeling if you were in my shoes and this was the most important day of your life that you had been waiting for for 9 years with the man you love. I am only having a Mass, ladies. I am having a dinner afterwards for our close family and friends. I am fully involved in the sacrament and i know that the church is not just a vendor. This is my wedding, and the only time In my life I am allowed to have such standards. This wedding is on my dime .We realize what is important. I wanted to vent because I was frustrated that the person presiding over the mass wasn't available when I had questions or concerns. I <strong>will not have a first dance, a bouquet toss, a dollar dance...how about you tell me to get over myself now?</strong>
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

<div>OK, I will. Lots of people don't have those things. I paid for my own wedding, and I didn't have a bouquet toss or a dollar dance or a grand entrance or a grand exit or a reception dress, I didn't even wear a garter let alone have my husband take it off me. </div><div>
</div><div>I get wanting answers RIGHT NOW but seriously...calm down. You have 9 months to get answers. You can get answers from the Catholic Weddings Board, many of the women down there are the wedding coordinators at their churches, they can help you out. It is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE, but your priest probably has 10 other brides who have THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THEIR LIFE happening before yours, he has parishoners that need to be buried in 2 days, not 8 months, he has babies getting baptized, etc. Call the Church office, make an appointment to meet with him to ask all your questions, and then set up an expectation of when you will talk again. </div>

lisabeats

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:0fe41a00-a581-4e94-a450-6d04521d308d">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ladies, way to stick the knife in and THEN twist it 360 degrees. I get it, this is all your opinions. Think about<strong> how you would be feeling if you were in my shoes and this was the most important day of your life that you had been waiting for for 9 years with the man you love</strong>. I am only having a Mass, ladies. I am having a dinner afterwards for our close family and friends. I am fully involved in the sacrament and i know that the church is not just a vendor. This is my wedding, and the only time In my life I am allowed to have such standards. This wedding is on my dime .We realize what is important. I wanted to vent because I was frustrated that the person presiding over the mass wasn't available when I had questions or concerns. I will not have a first dance, a bouquet toss, a dollar dance...how about you tell me to get over myself now?
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

... This is a website entirely dedicated to weddings and brides and all that. Do you not think this was/is the same for all of us? Also, the "good money you're spending on a donation" should be a DONATION, not a reason your church is owed to be at your beck and call. Also, if you wanted to vent, then don't ask for help, or be upset when the help is not the answer you want to hear.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:a18be0d5-6c31-4276-86ba-4ba4b4f69d69">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advice and sugguestions. <strong>The way I look at it is that I am paying this much money as a donation to my church just as I am paying my baker to bake my cake then they need to get back to me within reasonable time. </strong>When i meet with my wedding coordinator for the church in June I am going to tell her the experience I have had thus far. FYI The priest took a vacation (not a vocational-related trip) for 2 weeks and we were not notified.  I apologize as I am new the board and I havent spent a lot of time looking at the other sections of the forum. I will keep the church-related topicsexlusivley there!
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]
Donations should be a selfless act.


Take a deep breath and back away from planning your ceremony. You weren't exactly thrilled with this priest, right? So you should feel relieved that a new priest will be coming in. Hopefully this one will work with you in the way you expect him to.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:0fe41a00-a581-4e94-a450-6d04521d308d">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ladies, way to stick the knife in and THEN twist it 360 degrees. I get it, this is all your opinions. Think about how you would be feeling if you were in my shoes and this was the most important day of your life that you had been waiting for for 9 years with the man you love. I am only having a Mass, ladies. I am having a dinner afterwards for our close family and friends. I am fully involved in the sacrament and i know that the church is not just a vendor. This is my wedding, and the only time In my life I am allowed to have such standards. This wedding is on my dime .We realize what is important. I wanted to vent because I was frustrated that the person presiding over the mass wasn't available when I had questions or concerns.<strong> I will not have a first dance, a bouquet toss, a dollar dance...how about you tell me to get over myself now?</strong>
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

<div>I am not sure how this is relevant.</div>

vanityink

Yeah, another bride who didn't have a first dance, dollar dance, etc. We had a small reception with drinks and cake in church parlor after a simple ceremony. Not having a big reception does NOT mean that you can't be bridezilla-y over other parts of your wedding. They are hardly mutually exclusive, and thus not really relevant in this discussion...

ecarey123

The priest is allowed to take a two week vacation without notifying you! Seriously? I think you are being a "bridezilla." Your wedding is not the only thing going on in the priest's life. I am also Catholic and getting married in the church. Especially if this was during lent it is a very busy time for priests, he probably wasn't too concerned with your wedding since it is in November and he has plenty of thing to take care of that are occurring sooner. I would relax, wait to find out who will be the new person officiating the wedding, and wait a coup,e of more months before trying to plan the ceremony.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:53988112-da90-416d-8442-d779303430f9Post:3077e72a-01f2-46fa-91e1-cb8ceaece422">Re: Church Frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Church Frustrations : I get wanting answers RIGHT NOW but seriously...calm down. You have 9 months to get answers. You can get answers from the Catholic Weddings Board, many of the women down there are the wedding coordinators at their churches, they can help you out. It is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE, but your priest probably has 10 other brides who have THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THEIR LIFE happening before yours, he has parishoners that need to be buried in 2 days, not 8 months, he has babies getting baptized, etc. Call the Church office, make an appointment to meet with him to ask all your questions, and then set up an expectation of when you will talk again. 
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]



This! Squeaky Wheel: chill the F out. Your church likely has literally hundreds of weddings each year. Wait your turn!! How would you feel if you were 1 month out from your wedding day and you couldn't have your questions answered because some eager beaver getting married a year later was demanding your priest's time?