Ceremony and Vow Ideas

Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later

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Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later

  • edited April 2013
    yes they would be married which is why I said alot are having vow renuals instead of weddings because the service member can't get the time off to have a wedding with friends and family. But saying that because she chooses to marry a military man or that they and their family would like the big party to celebrate. Just like anyone else. I am not belittling people who hose to have a jop wedding I am simply saying it is a trend alot of ppl are doing in this situation because of the rules and guidelines with the military. there is nothing wrong with a vow renual celebration on an aniversary to have the wedding they could not have at this time. also that does not make her or anyone else having a vow renual wedding self intiteled or mean they are putting down or devalidating anyones marriage. some ppl do choose to have jop weddings and that is all because that is what THEY wanted others will choose to do more. it should not be called selfish to want more.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
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    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    yes they would be married which is why I said alot are having vow renuals instead of weddings because the service member can't get the time off to have a wedding with friends and family. But saying that because she chooses to marry a military man or that they and their family would like the big party to celebrate. Just like anyone else. I am not belittling people who hose to have a jop wedding I am simply saying it is a trend alot of ppl are doing in this situation because of the rules and guidelines with the military. there is nothing wrong with a vow renual celebration on an aniversary to have the wedding they could not have at this time. also that does not make her or anyone else having a vow renual wedding self intiteled or mean they are putting down or devalidating anyones marriage. some ppl do choose to have jop weddings and that is all because that is what THEY wanted others will choose to do more. it should not be called selfish to want more.
    Posted by dessiemarek
    a lot
    renewals
    choose
    a lot
    people
    renewal
    anniversary
    renewal
    self-entitled
    invalidating
    anyone's
    people

    And I dare you to post on Military Brides with this kind of mindset just to see how popular this line of thought makes you with the military ladies.

    lisabeats
  • manateehuggermanateehugger
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    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    yes they would be married which is why I said alot are having vow renuals instead of weddings because the service member can't get the time off to have a wedding with friends and family. But saying that because she chooses to marry a military man or that they and their family would like the big party to celebrateth. Just like anyone else. I am not belittling people who hose to have a jop wedding I am simply saying it is a trend alot of ppl are doing in this situation because of the rules and guidelines with the military. there is nothing wrong with a vow renual celebration on an aniversary to have the wedding they could not have at this time. also that does not make her or anyone else having a vow renual wedding self intiteled or mean they are putting down or devalidating anyones marriage. some ppl do choose to have jop weddings and that is all because that is what THEY wanted others will choose to do more. it should not be called selfish to want more.
    Posted by dessiemarek

    1. Usually military member can't get time off because they are in Basic, AIT, deployed, etc. In which case, the couple can just suck it up and wait on the wedding if they want a fancy one. Honestly, it's not that hard; we are planning as if my fiance will only have Saturday and Sunday off for our wedding. It only takes one day to have a big fancy wedding. We have military clauses in all our contracts in case something comes up and we have to change our date. You do realize that military generally gets WAY more leave around the holidays than most civilian jobs, right? 

    2. NO ONE said they can't have a big party to celebrate with their family. A good friend of ours found out that he was getting deployed; he and his fiancée (now wife) didn't want to wait, so they did a JOP before he left. After he returned home, they had a big party for their first anniversary. She wore a gorgeous but simple champagne-colored dress and they toasted each other, cut cake, did a spotlight dance, and then we all partied and had a fantastic time. If you need a big white poofy dress, flowers, a priest, and attendants to "celebrate with family," my family has been doing our Christmases all wrong forever.

    3. There are no rules and guidelines for getting married in the military. None. Do not point to the military as the cause of your poor planning and poor etiquette. Anyone trying to do so  is just trying to find an excuse to play dress up because they think they somehow deserve everything in life - i.e. self-entitled. Honestly, why would you need the big white bridal gown, the bridal party, the bridal shower when you are no longer a bride? 

    image
    [Deleted User]HuckSCGina0887
  • Out of curiosity, how old are you and your BF?  
    Anniversary
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    edited April 2013
    I'm sure you're dreading your fi leaving in two weeks. But you shouldn't feel pressured into making such an importantant decision, in such a short time. Your choices aren't limited to marrying him in two weeks or two years. There will be other times when you can have your wedding, with your family members present - maybe six months or a year from now. In the meantime, you can get familiar with the area where he is stationed, find out what kind of job and educational opportunities there are, meet some of the spouses or other fiancés. You'll have a better idea of what you're getting into.

    I understand that the benefits are important to you and your fi, but after looking at kmmssg's rundown, it doesn't look like you'll be ahead financially. There is a 'Military Brides' board on this site: 


    Some of the ladies there might be happy to help you sort through some ideas. Just don't approach them with the idea that you can have a 'paper' marriage now and a 'real' ceremony, later. They will tell you the same thing we have told you: Married is married. period. No do overs.

    Good luck with your decison.
                
    CLoGreenEyes
  • In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    In Response to Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later :  What would I do? It would be important to me to be able to spend my life with the person I love. That outweighs any party/vision of walking down the aisle, etc. Personally I would have the courthouse/JOP wedding, invite those closest to me and take them out to dinner afterwards. But you have the option of throwing a large anniversary party later on down the line with a DJ, meal, etc. But don't have a fake wedding, please. 
    Posted by daria24
     This
    image

    Anniversary
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : I understand the dislike for a "fake" wedding, and I can agree with it to an extent. But, I also see a wedding as more of a celebratory tradition for the occurence of a marriage. Weddings are not necessary for a marriage, we both pointed that out. They're just a formality that many (most) people like to use to celebrate and share with their families the union of two people and two families. So, really, it would be more of a ritualistic ceremony commemorating the marriage. Not announcing or making the marriage itself official (since, well, it already is). I guess what I'm trying to do here is just sort out my thoughts on it. I would like to have a wedding regardless, to share with my friends and families. Because, as you said, married is married, but I feel many would appreciate being able to partake in something like with me, my family especially.
    Posted by hailbird
    No, weddings ARE necessary for a marriage.  Big, elaborate weddings, however, are not.  A JOP wedding is still a wedding, and you can't have a wedding while you're already married. 



  • In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : I think this is one of the best posts I have ever read!  It should be a sticky for all military brides!
    Posted by CMGr
    Thanks CMG.  Those numbers are only good if my assumption of her BF being newly enlisted and not in the Officer Corps are correct.  I got every indication from OP that that would be right line of thinking, but assumptions can lead us astray.  Of course, as he progresses in rank, his pay will rise, but the lower enlisted ranks aren't busting at the seams with heavy paychecks.  

    How is your daughter doing?  Getting pretty close, I'm guessing?
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!)
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    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later:
    In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : I understand your concern. And I thank you. =) I also know that the idea is scary, but I believe the idea for marriage is scary at any point for most people. It's a huge event. But, I trust this man with my life and I know he would never do me any wrong, not if it's in his hands. So, where I might be leary with somebody else, I know we can make whatever work. I guess it's part of my philosophy on life speaking, too. You don't just find love, you work for it. And you have to have the courage to do something huge, otherwise you won't be able to do anything at all. So if it is the wrong choice, I may as well live and learn. Because, no matter if we marry fast or in time, if he's the wrong guy, then he's the wrong guy (he isn't =P but, just saying). Edit: To note, I could care less about the dependent benefits. Logistically they just make more sense.
    Posted by hailbird

    The idea of marriage wasn't scary for me.  In fact, it was quite exciting!

    I think you mean "I couldn't care less...."

    All that said, I wouldn't do this quite yet.  If he's the man you're meant to marry, you'll make it through the next couple of years and you can plan the wedding you want.  Because you can't get married now and get a do over in a couple of years.

  • My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    PickleJuiceSlurper
  • kyrissa87 said:
    My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    Be prepared for friends and family to be PISSED when they find out that you lied to them about being married and then invited them to a sham wedding where you expected to be given gifts.
    MandyLovesMarcstaar987imimbles
  • kyrissa87 said:
    My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    Disagreeing with what she is wanting to do (and what you and your FI have chosen to do) does not make us rude.  It doesn't make our comments negative either.  How do YOU think those "non-select" friends and family will feel when they find out you are already married?

    Can I ask, Is your husband military?
  • edited May 2013
    kyrissa87 said:
    My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    If you "don't consider yourselves married," then why did you, ya know, get married? Obviously you got something out of it or you wouldn't have done it.

    ETA: Don't know why the quote doesn't seem to be working properly.
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    My father was serving in the Air Force when he and my mother were married.  Originally they were going to be married in a traditional ceremony with a reception in NYC, where they had both been living, but he couldn't get leave.  My mother, grandparents, and aunts went to the Air Force base in Texas where he was stationed and they had a small wedding.  It wasn't what they'd dreamed of and planned for, but they were married in all senses of the word (civil, religious, military) and have never had regrets about it.

    I'm sorry that it isn't possible for you to have the wedding of your dreams, but please lose the phrase "legally married."  You won't be any less married than my parents or any other couple by getting married in the courthouse and then having a nice celebration when it's financially and otherwise feasible.  In fact, your posts seem to suggest that you're really not ready to be married at all, so I'd even consider holding off until you are.
    brielleinlove
  • Why can't you plan a wedding in a month-and-a-half? Given the circumstances, I'm sure your fiance could hand the reins over to you to plan it alone until he gets home. Just hit the phones/internet and I'm sure you could put something together. You won't get your ideal venue/time, but I can't imagine it would be impossible to find a restaurant or smaller room in a catering hall, possibly on a Friday or Sunday or Saturday during the day, within a few days. 
  • hailbird said:

    Now, before anybody warns me that it's frowned upon, or that we should just wait to do an actual wedding, hear me out. (I've done a bit of research regarding this, I just want to hear opinions on my particular situation.)

    My boyfriend is in the beginning stages of his military career which means he's away doing training, etc. He got his first assignment which will last between 2 and 3 years. How it works is that he must live on base where they assign him and he does everything from there. For me that means I can't be with him for those 2-3 years. Yet, he is determined that I go with him to his first base. I would love for this to happen, but logistically it just doesn't pan out. I would be living in my own apartment, working my own hours, and I would hardly get to see him or even spend time with him. I would be near him, but still alone, especially since I'll have left all my friends and family behind at home. 

    The only way that I know of to make it work would be for us to be legally married. It is only then that he gets housing rights and can live on or off base with dependents. He would also get a boost in his income because he has legal dependants and housing, etc. would be paid for. 

    So, that's where I'm coming from. Here's the concern. I have always dreamed of a beautiful wedding, not terribly expensive but still enough to set the magic for the occasion. Yet, if we were to get "legally" married I would be able to be with him, but that would leave VERY little time for an actual wedding (looking at today's date . . . that's about a month and a half, and I still can't see him until June. So, really, two weeks.)

    Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't dream of just signing the marriage license and going from there, but it's that or we have years to wait to even be together. (Unless there's some other loophole that I don't know about.) But, logically, this would make the most sense. 

    Now, I see a "wedding" after being legally married from two sides. On one hand, you're already married so why have a wedding? I can see where this would upset a lot of more traditional folks. But, on the other, where I come from, you have to have the license signed and official three days before the wedding (so you're already technically married before the ceremony). Putting it like that, you get legally married by the state and then the wedding is just a formal ceremony to celebrate the union (whether it be religious or not). 

    Here I leave it to you. What do you think?

    What state are you from? In NY you are not married upon signing of a marriage license. You are only married once a ceremony is performed by a licensed officiant and witnessed and you sign a marriage certificate. A marriage license is different froma certificate. A license means you have intent to wed. A certificate means that you are.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    kyrissa87 said:
    My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    The irony, it burns.



    staar987Dreamergirl8812MollyandD
  • KDM323KDM323
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    I had 7 uncles that were all in the military. They served in WWII, Korea and Vietnam. They were all Marines. Not a one of them had a big white wedding...and every single one of their marriages lasted to the "death do us part" A dress and a cake doesn't make you married...and I have 7 Aunts who would tell you that if you are more concerned with a dress and a cake then you are with your soldier, you don't have what it takes to be a military spouse.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
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    kyrissa87 said:
    My goodness, some people are just plain rude on here! I am sorry for all the negative comments. My husband and I are already legally married on paper but we do not yet consider ourselves married because all we did was sign a piece of paper. We didnt say any vows or anything. We only told a select few friends and family we are legally married. We are having a real wedding on June 1st and that will be when we celebrate our Anniversary, etc. Everyone has a right to do things in their own way. If you want to go ahead and do the legal thing and have a wedding later, go right ahead. It's not hurting anyone and since , hopefully, you only get married once, you deserve to also have a wedding celebration. Hope everything works out for you!
    ... Jesus wept.

  • glbelouglbelou
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    This is just stupid. Why can't she have a reception with all of her friends and family when he gets back? Having a wedding with the white dress and the whole shebang is her dream, so she should just do it. To hell with etiquette. If it makes you happy and you can afford it, DO IT! 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    glbelou said:
    This is just stupid. Why can't she have a reception with all of her friends and family when he gets back? Having a wedding with the white dress and the whole shebang is her dream, so she should just do it. To hell with etiquette. If it makes you happy and you can afford it, DO IT! 
    No, it's NOT stupid.

    Sorry, but "if it makes you happy and you can afford it, DO IT!" is advice that doesn't go over well here at all.  While this particular folder is not necessarily about etiquette, we don't offer advice that violates it or validate it.

    It violates etiquette because 1) it's lying about when one went from being single to married and 2) it cheapens that actual moment, even if it took place in a judge's chambers or some other non-romantic and "dream situation" for the big white dress and other aspects of a "pretty princess day" that are frivolous.  Sometimes life just doesn't allow for that kind of wedding, and one needs to accept that like an adult with big person underwear on-not pout with "it's my day and I'll do whatever the hell I want and to hell with you if you don't like it" little kid attitudes.
    brielleinlove[Deleted User]
  • SandraSandra
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    edited May 2013

    Get the married license now. You are right; the wedding is just a celebration. Do not waste your time with him, you can start planning the wedding you want after you got the married license.

     

    I´ll say go for it!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Sandra, if a wedding were "just a celebration," gay couples and many others would not be fighting so hard for the right to get legally married.

    It's not "just a celebration."  It means a social, religious, and legal change of status with special responsibilities as well as rights, and that means more than "just a celebration."
    brielleinlove[Deleted User]staar987
  • My fiance and I are both Active duty Navy Corpsman and I totally understand your reasoning about doing everything early. We actually are doing the same thing.
    PickleJuiceSlurper
  • My first question is are you getting married for love?  Or just as a matter of convenience?

    Nevertheless, my fiance and I are planning to do the same thing.  Marriage now, wedding later!  It's more important for us to be married, than to have a walk down the aisle. 

    In my event planning days, I did this for many brides who were military brides or just preferred a little more time to save.  Others did it for religious reasons.

    My brother, who is in the Airforce, did the same thing.  The marriage was more important to him than having a wedding.  And theyhave a beautiful marriage.

    What works for you, works for you.  Even if it's not the norm. 


  • What state are you from? In NY you are not married upon signing of a marriage license. You are only married once a ceremony is performed by a licensed officiant and witnessed and you sign a marriage certificate. A marriage license is different froma certificate. A license means you have intent to wed. A certificate means that you are.
    Close. In NY you're married once a ceremony is performed and witnessed. You get the marriage license up to 60 days (and at least 24 hours) before that ceremony, and that's what you sign. The officiant pronounces you man and wife, and you are married. Later, your officiant sends the license back to the clerk's office that issued it to you and files your marriage with the state -- but you're already married. A few weeks later you get a marriage certificate, signed by that clerk, not you; that's a legal document proclaiming you're married. But I'm just being nitpicky, you're more or less right.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
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    edited May 2013
  • Good Morning, I know your post was a month ago, but I figured I would still weigh in since I have experience with this.  I got engaged in november last year.  My man is in the Army and one day in Jan we decided that it would be best to go ahead and get married.  It worked out nicely because it allowed us to get all the logistics out of the way in order to have less stress of changing all the legal info later.  We did a "paper marriage" and got me into the Army's system.  We now have more BAH for rent, I get medical benefits (which is good because I haven't lived with my parents for a little bit now), I am able to move with him early next year and not have to pay out of pocket to transport myself.  We are having a big wedding in October and doing it right! I think you are in the same situation, but your's is more of a pressing issue! Don't listen to what people have to say that aren't in the same situation.  From experience it has been nice to be married already to a military man.  We have already gone on a very nice all-expenses paid marriage retreat at the beach and I have had other opportunities on post since I am a legal dependent now!
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