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Snarky Brides

Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here

Hello Snarkies,
I've snooped around your board,but this is the first time I've posted. I have a very old friend of mine, let's call her A. A and I have known each other for ten years. She is very dear to me, however, I can only handle her in small doses. Our personalities (I'm a modest tomboy  and she is a girly-girl) have a tendency to clash and if we talk to each other too much we end up fighting. I asked her to be a bridesmaid because I wanted to honor our friendship despite our many differences. Her response to my question was "Only if I'm chief bridesmaid"...that should've been a warning.
We have argued over everything. I sent the girls pictures of BM dresses (red and below the knee) and A sent back pictures of short black dresses and said "Black is sooo much classier". When I asked for her assistance in the seating charts, she gave me a lecture about how "guests don't want assigned seating, let us sit where ever we want" rather than advise me on who to sit with whom. Even when I explained to her that, for a plated dinner, the venue requires assigned seating with placecards, she was still no help. When I won't let her get her way, she threatens to bow out of the wedding. She's not engaged, but she wants to be and is presuring her BF to propose. Her boyfriend has recently told me that he doesn't like me and doesn't want her to be a bridesmaid. I suspect she may have put him up to saying that. It seems like she's hunting for an excuse to get out. All signs point to not having her be a bridesmaid anymore. But BUT, she is my oldest friend and we have had our differences, and regardless of her current behavior, I did ASK her. How do I do this gracefully? Or should I even bother trying to be graceful? Alternatively, Should I just suck it up and keep her as a bridesmaid even when she's threatening to bow out? What do you guys think? What would you do? This is why I want to ask my snarky brides, you guys are honest and blunt and I love it!
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Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2013
    Your wedding is in October. How are you doing seating and place cards now?

    You can kick her out if you are looking to end your friendship completely b/c that is what will happen. 

    Stop sharing your wedding details with her if you don't like her responses; don't ask her to help you with things b/c it's not her job to do so. If she threatens to bow out, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I guarantee you will call her bluff. If not, oh, well, then she takes herself out of the wedding. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • You can't ask her to not be a bridesmaid without essentially ending your friendship. She however, is more than welcome to quit at any point.

    BTW that's BS that her boyfriend said he doesn't like you.

  • "Your wedding is in October. How are you doing seating and place cards now"

    Another friend of mine, we grew up together and I've known him for twenty years, dated A and it wasnt a great break-up. I was asking her how comfortable she would be if I sat him within a few tables of her. I wasn't actually doing the seating chart chart, I was trying to feel her out to see how comfortable she would be around him. She broke up with him and is seeing someone else, but you never know and I was trying to feel her out.

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  • tlc35tlc35 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    At this point I would definitely not talk wedding details with her except on a "need to know" basis.  Explain that you want the red dresses and when you decide on a dress or guidelines tell them what they are and the order deadline if there is one.  Then drop it.  If she shows up in the dress, great.  If not then I guess she won't be a bridesmaid.
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  • In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here:
    Your wedding is in October. How are you doing seating and place cards now? You can kick her out if you are looking to end your friendship completely b/c that is what will happen.  Stop sharing your wedding details with her if you don't like her responses; don't ask her to help you with things b/c it's not her job to do so. If she threatens to bow out, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I guarantee you will call her bluff. If not, oh, well, then she takes herself out of the wedding. 
    Posted by AddieL73
    All of this. Especially the bolded.
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  • Kicking her out = ending friendship unless she's a complete welcome mat of a human being.  It's a public insult, and most people don't forgive it.  So if you don't want her as a friend anymore, then the choice is yours.

    Also, as the others have said, stop giving details of your wedding to her.  BMs don't need to be involved in planning details beyond their dresses at all.  If someone is being obnoxious with something, don't give them that something to annoy you with.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here:
    Your wedding is in October. How are you doing seating and place cards now? 

    First of all, I am tired of seeing THIS on this discussion board. There is no harm no foul in getting certian things planned early- especially if you have a small wedding like I am, and know exactly who will be attenting so - you go girl!

    Anyway. This bridesmaid of yours sounded like trouble from the beginning- and I think you may have included her in your wedding party out of obligation due to your long term relationship with her. Don't be afraid to change your mind. You still have lots of time to change the attendents. I agree it may sever or completely end the relationship, but unless you have major mutual friend or family ties then it won't be much of a loss

  • In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here:
    In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here : First of all, I am tired of seeing THIS on this discussion board. There is no harm no foul in getting certian things planned early- especially if you have a small wedding like I am, and know exactly who will be attenting so - you go girl! Anyway. This bridesmaid of yours sounded like trouble from the beginning- and I think you may have included her in your wedding party out of obligation due to your long term relationship with her. Don't be afraid to change your mind. You still have lots of time to change the attendents. I agree it may sever or completely end the relationship, but unless you have major mutual friend or family ties then it won't be much of a loss
    Posted by mc4dj13

    What an awesome friend thing to do.



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  • If she wants to quit, let her.  I think it'll be easier on the both of you.  And don't replace her if she does bow out.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here:
    In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here : First of all, I am tired of seeing THIS on this discussion board. There is no harm no foul in getting certian things planned early- especially if you have a small wedding like I am, and know exactly who will be attenting so - you go girl!
    Posted by mc4dj13
    I had a small wedding, too. And I was not able to do the seating arrangement until, you know, all the RSVPS were in shortly before the wedding, not 6 months prior before the invitations have even gone out.


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here:
    In Response to Re: Ok, Snarky Brides! Help me out here : First of all, I am tired of seeing THIS on this discussion board. There is no harm no foul in getting certian things planned early- especially if you have a small wedding like I am, and know exactly who will be attenting so - you go girl! Anyway. This bridesmaid of yours sounded like trouble from the beginning- and I think you may have included her in your wedding party out of obligation due to your long term relationship with her. Don't be afraid to change your mind. You still have lots of time to change the attendents. I agree it may sever or completely end the relationship, but unless you have major mutual friend or family ties then it won't be much of a loss
    Posted by mc4dj13
    Except maybe a life long friend. Once you've asked people to be in your wedding party, you can't change your mind without ruining a friendship. Hence, why we tell ladies not to choose their bridal party until 6-9 months out.

     

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  • I'm calling troll, since she's needed to have the last word on most posts for the last few days and gives terrible advice.

     

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  • Let her quit if she wants to quit, but don't kick her out if you want to stay friends with her. Just stop including her as much like pp said.

    I wouldn't trust her to help plan things like a shower or a bachelorette party either. If you are having either of those, make sure someone else is planning it. This girl is cray cray and her boyfriend is too!
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  • I think that weddings are stressful enough.  Your bridesmaids should be those who are your good friends and that are willing to help out.  Their role is to ease things and assist making your day run smoothly.

    I would suggest sitting down with your friend, have a heart to heart with her.  In a kind loving way express that this is your dream wedding and you have chosen all the bridesmaids because they hold a special place in your heart.  Although you appreciate her opinions it is ultimately your final decisions on matters that count. Express that you would like her to continue to be apart of the day but if she is persistent in keep saying she will bow out then this will result in affecting your happiness and the period of planning the wedding that should be enjoyed. Tell her that you would appreciate her support.

    She may not understand it all at the moment but when she is a bride everything will be very clear. 
  • I'm new to theknot, and the board, so please pardon any faux pas i may commit, BUT

    "When I won't let her get her way, she threatens to bow out of the wedding. She's not engaged, but she wants to be and is presuring her BF to propose. Her boyfriend has recently told me that he doesn't like me and doesn't want her to be a bridesmaid. I suspect she may have put him up to saying that."

    Sounds to me like A is jealous, and her "coping" mechanism is to try and run your wedding like it's hers.  The boyfriend, whether he was put up to it or not, doesn't really dislike YOU - he dislikes how the whole situation is making HER act behind the scenes.

    I agree with everyone who says that if you kick her out, you've lost a friend, but let's take a look at what kind of friend she is being, and whether or not you actually do want to continue the friendship with her. 

    This is YOUR day, YOUR wedding, YOUR life, and YOUR decision.  When she has her moment in the spotlight she can feel free to be as much of a Bridezilla as she wants, but not now.  The drama she is causing with all the in/out/do this/do that is not what a good friend OR bridesmaid should do.

    My best advice for you is to take a chance and have a candid talk with her - alone - be honest, yet firm about how you feel about her pushiness and drama.  If she really is a good friend, she will understand and take your feelings into consideration. If she's not, then maybe she wasn't that great of a friend to begin with - despite your past.

    Good luck regardless, and rock out with that seating chart if you want to!
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