Snarky Brides

Bridezilla Bridesmaid

I recently got engaged, and my fiance and I started planning our wedding (over a year away) right away. I have a bridesmaid who has been engaged for a couple of years, who also has just started planning her wedding that is coming up this October.
The problem is, that it seems to me that she has some jealousy issues. First of all, she started planning her wedding as soon as I started planning mine. There had been no mention of one before. It seems as if she is trying to compete with me with wedding planning. She picked the same colors as I did, and refuses to reply to any emails about MY wedding even though she's sending me things about hers. When I finally did get a reply to the email I sent out about bridesmaids dresses (this was after the 5th text and 2nd email I sent her), she called them generic and "pricey". She constantly talks down to me about spending money on things like invites and a caterer, because she is the DIY queen.
I would like to think that my engagement just made her realize that she should jump on wedding planning, and that the colors I chose are just popular (I have since changed them), but it's getting harder and harder to ignore the competitiveness in all of her correspondences with me.
What should I do? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I talk to her?
HELP!

 

Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid

  • In Response to Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    I recently got engaged, and my fiance and I started planning our wedding (over a year away) right away. I have a bridesmaid who has been engaged for a couple of years, who also has just started planning her wedding that is coming up this October. The problem is, that it seems to me that she has some jealousy issues. First of all, she started planning her wedding as soon as I started planning mine. There had been no mention of one before. It seems as if she is trying to compete with me with wedding planning. She picked the same colors as I did, and refuses to reply to any emails about MY wedding even though she's sending me things about hers. When I finally did get a reply to the email I sent out about bridesmaids dresses (this was after the 5th text and 2nd email I sent her), she called them generic and "pricey". She constantly talks down to me about spending money on things like invites and a caterer, because she is the DIY queen. I would like to think that my engagement just made her realize that she should jump on wedding planning, and that the colors I chose are just popular (I have since changed them), but it's getting harder and harder to ignore the competitiveness in all of her correspondences with me. What should I do? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I talk to her? HELP!
    Posted by kefryar
    If your BM has been engaged for "a couple years", how can you say there's been no mention of a wedding before? Perhaps eh weren't actively planning, but being engaged indicates there will, at some point, be a wedding. Her starting to plan (especially if they've set a date for six months from now) does not surprise me in the least. You are still over a year away. There is absolutely no reason to be looking at BM dresses yet. In fact, you shouldn't have even picked BMs yet. Did you ask each girl privately for a budget before you started looking at dresses? There is NOTHING your BM needs to be doing for your wedding right now. Nothing. Her wedding, on the other hand, is in 6 months - it doesn't surprise me that she is more excited about her own wedding that is happening much sooner than yours. If you're worried about her commentary and "stealing" your ideas, stop talking to her about your wedding details. Most of my BMs knew they needed a black knee-length cotton sateen dress from DB, the rehearsal was Thursday evening followed by dinner, and the wedding was Friday evening with hair/makeup Friday morning and that was it. They didn't know about the colors, flowers, DJ, invites, etc because I didn't see a reason to discuss any of it. So yes, I think you're overreacting. And I think you should let it go and stop talking wedding with her.
  • Planning now for an October wedding seems like a normal timeline.

    IF she talks down to you about your ideas, don't tell her your ideas. That was a novel idea to me at first but really, just because someone asks a question does not mean they deserve an answer. What kind of invites are you going to do? White ones, how's school/work/baby/life? There are people that have something negative to say about everything, and the best way to protect yourself is to not tell them ideas that you will be hurt if they talk down.

    Really, I do think you jumped the gun on the bridesmaids thing. I can't think of any reason for multiple emails already. There's no reason to be buying BM dresses over a year out, and certainly not an expensive one. Who wants to pay $100 for a dress they won't wear for a year? Also, she really should be able to wear something she likes and can afford. Did you ask her what her budget for the dress would be?
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  • I think you're right about her possible motivation(s) for jealousy. Unfortunately, people who act this way usually cannot be reasoned with. Its a shame that she can't be happy for you and be encouraging and supportive of your wedding, as I'm sure you are of hers. If you're good friends, it would seem much more fun to plan together and enjoy the process... but that's obviously not the case here. 

    Honestly I think you should just stop talking wedding with her all together. Is she in your bridal party? Seems like she may be... which, really it's too early to have a bridal party in your case (because your wedding is still a year out) but if that ship has sailed then I say lay off the bridesmaid decisions for awhile. Really, if your wedding isn't until next April, May or June and hers is this coming October, then you can safely wait until after her wedding to start the hunt for bridesmaid dresses. Maybe that would ease some tension. She's probably got a ton of things on her plate for her own wedding right now and can't think about what she'll need for yours yet.

    Is she being shitty in her attitude towards you? Yes, she sure is! And I'm sorry for that. But my best advice would be to just take some space from her. Let her focus on her wedding plans while you focus on yours. Don't give her any details for her to "judge" if she asks then say you're not sure yet or bean dip her (change the subject). 

    If she continues to be shitty for no reason other than to criticize or compare your weddings, just tell her (calmly) that her comments and attitude lately have been hurtful and that you're not interested in competing. Let her know how happy you are that she's getting married too and that you hope she can be happy for you. Tell her you're looking forward to celebrating her wedding with her in October and also having her help you celebrate yours.

    Sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people... even our own friends. Just take some space. It will all turn out alright. In the meantime, onward and upward with your own plans! Good luck and congratulations! :) 

    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    Let me clairfy, she did not set her date or mention any date until after I started planning. They have been engaged but not actively planning. I really don't understand the idea of not picking bridesmaids in advance, as most of them are going to have to fly into the state, I wanted to give them all ample time to plan for plane tickets, etc. I don't know how it is where you live, but wedding planning in my town has t o happen pretty early, as most places we looked at for next year are already booked up. Were all of your bridesmaids unemployed/living in the same state as you? I can't imagine not letting people know in advance-they have to take time off work, etc. Your point about her wedding being closer is valid, which is why I haven't been talking to her but my plans, but I thought it would be rude not to include here in something she'll be wearing. I also think that rude replies to emails are a little uncalled for. Lastly-you didn't think your bridesmaids should know about your wedding plans? Isn't that the point in bridesmaids? Also, If i can't "talk wedding" with someone, I don't really see the point of including them in the wedding at all. Thank's for the feedback though, might just be a better idea to scratch her from the list period.
    Posted by kefryar
    But you already asked her. That'd be really mean, and a friendship ending move if you didn't want her to be a BM anymore.

    My BMs all worked full time, and only one did not have to travel for the wedding. I asked them about 7 months in advance, but we didn't buy dresses until early February for the May wedding.

    The point of BMs is technically to confuse demonic spirits that might try to kidnap the bride or curse the marraige. The conventional purpose is to honor your closest friends by asking them to stand up at our wedding, not to have someone to listen to all of your wedding talk. Not everyone is interested in wedding talk, and that's okay. I had a BM who loves planning stuff and has similar taste to me, so I talked about the wedding with her, but I generally let other people guide the conversation so as to not over-do it.
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    Let me clairfy, she did not set her date or mention any date until after I started planning. They have been engaged but not actively planning. I really don't understand the idea of not picking bridesmaids in advance, as most of them are going to have to fly into the state, I wanted to give them all ample time to plan for plane tickets, etc. I don't know how it is where you live, but wedding planning in my town has to happen pretty early, as most places we looked at for next year are already booked up. Were all of your bridesmaids unemployed/living in the same state as you? I can't imagine not letting people know in advance-they have to take time off work, etc.

    But, I'd assume that even if they aren't in your wedding they'd still be invited. We aren't suggesting you wouldn't tell your friends about your wedding date, so they'd know about it. We are suggesting that relationships change, so picking them so far in advance can put you in a bind later if you find yourself not nearly as close to them as you once were. However, if you've already asked them, then the deal is done.

    Your point about her wedding being closer is valid, which is why I haven't been talking to her but my plans, but I thought it would be rude not to include her in something she'll be wearing.

    BM dresses only take about 2-3 months to get in. Which is why we suggest waiting till about 4-5 months out before picking a dress. In a year someone could gain 100 lbs, lose 100lbs, get pregant, have a baby and get huge boobs, anything... Plus, do you shop for a party a year in advance? Probably not. So it's one thing to look, it another to constantly ask your BM for feed back on what you are browsing. Also, the first thing you need to do before looking at any more dresses is ask each of them what their budget is. You take the lowest one and that's what you look for. But, again, this isn't necessary until about 6 months before the wedding. 

      I also think that rude replies to emails are a little uncalled for. Lastly-you didn't think your bridesmaids should know about your wedding plans? Isn't that the point in bridesmaids? Also, If i can't "talk wedding" with someone, I don't really see the point of including them in the wedding at all. Thank's for the feedback though, might just be a better idea to scratch her from the list period.

    Your FI is getting married too, right? Can't you talk to him about it? You include your friends as BM because you love them and want to honor them as special people in your life. Not so that they will sit and listen to you gush wedding stuff, or because you want them to do things for you. Some people just aren't into weddings, or have things in their own lives with stuff happening in less than a year. I get your excitement. Come here, the forums are great for this kind of thing.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • kefryarkefryar
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited April 2013
    Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I have a very type a personality, if i could have EVERYTHING planned right now I would. It's hard to reatrain myself but I guess most people aren't like that. I have since apologized, and I guess I was just taking words out of context, blowing things out of proportion, etc. It's hard for me to think that it's not happening till May of next year, but I guess I need to remember that.
    You guys would probably scream at me if you know that I already bought my dress, haha.

     

  • MayDay513MayDay513
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member
    edited April 2013
    Kefyar, there is nothing  wrong with buying your dress early. :)

  • I literally didn't talk wedding with ANY of my BMs with th exception of my MOH, and that was largely because she was getting married three weeks before me and I was her MOH so it was a lot of coordinating travel plans and lodging (we live almost 10 hours apart), dates, etc. If I wanted to talk wedding, I turned to DH (then FI, obviously) or I called my mom.
  • In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    Kefyar, there is nothing  wrong with buying your dress early. :)
    Posted by huynhette
    There is nothing wrong with buying HER dress early but she doesn't need to tie up her BM's money for a wedding that is over a year away.
  • I'm not saying they have to get it NOW, I'm just want them to know what they're going to need to buy.
    n Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid : There is nothing wrong with buying HER dress early but she doesn't need to tie up her BM's money for a wedding that is over a year away.
    Posted by kmmssg

     

  • In Response to Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    I recently got engaged, and my fiance and I started planning our wedding (over a year away) right away. I have a bridesmaid who has been engaged for a couple of years, who also has just started planning her wedding that is coming up this October. The problem is, that it seems to me that she has some jealousy issues. First of all, she started planning her wedding as soon as I started planning mine. There had been no mention of one before. It seems as if she is trying to compete with me with wedding planning. She picked the same colors as I did, and refuses to reply to any emails about MY wedding even though she's sending me things about hers. When I finally did get a reply to the email I sent out about bridesmaids dresses (this was after the 5th text and 2nd email I sent her), she called them generic and "pricey". She constantly talks down to me about spending money on things like invites and a caterer, because she is the DIY queen. I would like to think that my engagement just made her realize that she should jump on wedding planning, and that the colors I chose are just popular (I have since changed them), but it's getting harder and harder to ignore the competitiveness in all of her correspondences with me. What should I do? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I talk to her? HELP!
    Posted by kefryar

    First of all, I think it's totally fine to pick your bridesmaids early and start planning right away - I did the same thing! My personality is to plan everything way in advance and when it comes to weddings, I think that's a VERY good thing. I had my bridesmaids picked right away and if you know who you want, why wait? Nothing wrong with getting a headstart! :)

    To answer your actual question.. I think that I would let it go for now. You two clearly have different tastes and that's totally fine. I don't know what price range your dresses are, but maybe consider looking around for ones that are similar but a little more affordable. If she's planning a wedding too, I'm sure her money is tight. It's your wedding, so if her complaints are simply to do with the style, then personally, I think she needs to keep her opinions to herself. But if it's something to do with the price, it might not be a bad idea to shop around for something more affordable to accommodate your bridesmaids' needs, or if you're absolutely set on those dresses, to offer to help her pay for it. 

    If this continues to be a problem, I'd talk to her about it - not in an attacking kind of manner, but simply discuss the problem. Say something like "It makes me feel _____ when you do ____. Am I being sensitive, or is there a problem that we need to resolve?" 

    Best of luck with your friend! Hopefully, the problem is simply that you're both stressed out - planning a wedding is stressful! - and it will resolve in time. Remember - this is your big day, it's supposed to be fun! :) 
  • In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    I'm not saying they have to get it NOW, I'm just want them to know what they're going to need to buy. n Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid :
    Posted by kefryar
    Did you discuss budgets privately with each BM before beginning your search?
  • In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    Kefyar, there is nothing  wrong with buying your dress early. :)
    Posted by huynhette
    Exactly, I have my dress and shoes! Smile 
  • In Response to Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    [QUOTES She constantly talks down to me about spending money on things like invites and a caterer, because she is the DIY queen.
    Posted by kefryar[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I HATE women like this. They feel "empowered" that because they made their wedding dress out of coffee doilies and glitter that they need to push all of their ideas of DIY on other brides. Not all of us want to entrust our shaky,not-patient hands to invitations or wedding favors. So what you spend money? It's your day and you are spending money on things that matter to YOU and she needs to understand that and shut up. You have the peace of mind knowing you are not staying up until all hours of the night putting together tiny little wedding favors that people will probably throw away anyways. 

    I do declare- I think Bridesmads are worse than the Bride sometimes. One of the reasons I am glad I chose to have only my Fiance standing up with me.
  • First congratulations lovely girl!

    Oy vey!  I thought it was just me...I have a cousin who's a BM and she's a handful and more.  From saying no to 16 different dresses (16!!!) to wanting a brooch bouquet to not asking off in time for the Thurs rehearsalrehearsal dinner...bleech.  I feel your pain!  Look at it this way...if she is just a BM and not your bestest friend or MOH, stop talking about your wedding.  I asked my cousin to be my BM last year and backed off for months before talking about the dress, etc.  Thankfully I didn't have the "she's getting married around the same time as I am thing" but I'm dealing with the DIY stuff and the "I wish I had that at my wedding" thing or the "I can't believe you're spending that kind of money on that" thing.  You know what I decided?  I'M IGNORING HER.  I love my cousin, but I'm getting married in less than 3 months and I no longer have time for her wishy washy mess.  She planned her wedding and got married in 3 months when she did her wedding because that's what she wanted, and I can't help it if she didn't do what she wanted to for whatever reason.

    I saw something last year about weddings that made me think twice about who/how/when I'd talk about my wedding planning etc.  Basically "your wedding is really important to YOU...not everyone else."  It's not a slam on us brides, but a reminder that not everyone will 1) be happy for you 2) not try to run your day because they think they can or 3) that some folks just don't give a darn. 

    I too started planning almost a year out so I do understand how you feel.  And I agree with whoever posted that at a year out she has nothing really to do for you--be her friend and help her if she asks.  I'm not saying that there's not some jealousy going on there--it's quite possible that she's been dragging her feet and now she's in high gear.  Or maybe that's just how she is as far as planning.  But don't, and I repeat, DO NOT LET HER STEAL YOUR JOY!

    Take a breath, a step back, and relax darling girl.  I will tell you that you don't want to overplan (yes it's really possible!).  Relax, enjoy the glow of being newly engaged and happy, and know that on that day, the only thing that matters is you and your man telling each other that you want to commit to one another.  You'll have plenty of time as your day grows closer to get the bridal shakes.  She's getting married in October?  Trust me she needs help--if she asks.  If not, relax, relax, relax!
  • In Response to Re: Bridezilla Bridesmaid:
    Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I have a very type a personality, if i could have EVERYTHING planned right now I would. It's hard to reatrain myself but I guess most people aren't like that. I have since apologized, and I guess I was just taking words out of context, blowing things out of proportion, etc. It's hard for me to think that it's not happening till May of next year, but I guess I need to remember that. You guys would probably scream at me if you know that I already bought my dress, haha.
    Posted by kefryar
    iM JUST PRAYING YOU DONT HAVE DRES REGRET! IM HAPPY THINGS WORKED OUT FOR YOU
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
  • I am so confused to why people don't talk to their BM about the wedding plans!! Aren't these people your closest friends?  

    Granted, that is not the ONLY thing we talk about. But, I make a point to include my BMs in my decisions, choices, and have them go with me to bridal shows etc (I pay for them to come because I don't want them to spend any more money, but I also want their input!!). I guess that is just me. 

    I respect and understand that they all have other things going on in their lives, we all do. This is just one day, one event. A huge one. But at the end of the day, I want it to be special for everyone that is involved. I asked my BM to be a BM because they are special to me, so of course I plan on asking for their advice and talk to them about my FI and I's wedding. 
    RaineH
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I am so confused to why people don't talk to their BM about the wedding plans!! Aren't these people your closest friends?  

    Granted, that is not the ONLY thing we talk about. But, I make a point to include my BMs in my decisions, choices, and have them go with me to bridal shows etc (I pay for them to come because I don't want them to spend any more money, but I also want their input!!). I guess that is just me. 

    I respect and understand that they all have other things going on in their lives, we all do. This is just one day, one event. A huge one. But at the end of the day, I want it to be special for everyone that is involved. I asked my BM to be a BM because they are special to me, so of course I plan on asking for their advice and talk to them about my FI and I's wedding. 
    We are not saying that you can't talk to your friends and BMs about your wedding.  I know I did and my friend who got married recently talked my ears off sometimes.  What we are trying to say is that some brides take it to the extreme.  They forget that their friends have lives and that the year (or however long) leading up to the wedding is not the only thing that matters.  They tend to look at their friends as only BMs and not friends that they still hope to have after their one day is over with.

    Talk with your friends about your wedding.  It is a big thing happening in your life, but brides need to remember to balance all that out with keeping up with their friends lives and what they are doing and what things that are going on that are important to their friends.

    Finally, as long as you aren't forcing your BMs to do wedding related stuff with you and are only asking if they want to tag along that is fine.  But some brides see their BMs as their own personal assistants that should be busting their butts helping them plan.

  • Maggie0829: I agree with you 100%.  I want mine to enjoy my wedding just as much as I do. I feel sorry for the BM's that have brides that are that way. 

    Like I mentioned, It is just one day. This shouldn't change a friendship with someone or how a person is. It makes me so sad that there are brides that act that way.  
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