Registry and Gift Forum

Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents

Hi All,

Please help!  My mom is paying for our wedding.  My fiancee and I own a small home in CA.  We want to travel and so have registered at Traveler's Joy for 2 trips, one to Africa after the wedding and a 2nd on our anniversary next year.  My mom and step father are appalled at the registry and think asking $7k in gifts is rude when our current home is small and doesn't have alot of kitchen space so we don't have nice dishes, glassware etc.  They think we are not taking the right steps to save for a bigger home and a proper future.   I feel she has judged every decision we have made thus far.  She's obviously entitled to her opinon especially because she is footing the bill but I'm lying awake stressed at night b/c I don't feel I'm disappointing her.  But if I choose her route, I'm unhappy.  The only thing she likes is my dress.  I don't know how to keep her happy while moving forward with what we want.  Are we asking too much with the honeymoon registry?  The only other place we are registered is Walmart for 6 small items.   Please help!!

Re: Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents

  • Honeymoon registry wont sit well on TK either
  • It wouldn't matter if your HM Registry was for $70 or $7k, it doesn't sit well with many people. It's a blatant request for cash, and it is also deceiving to your guests. Your registry says "pay for a special dinner" but really, you just get a check for the amount given, minus a fee. 

    I would remove your honeymoon registry and just ask them to spread through word of mouth that you are saving up for your HM. We didn't even tell anyone we wanted money and we had a smallish registry and we still got 90% cash at the wedding. 
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  • I do not like HM registries.  All you are doing is asking for money, as you do not have to go on the trips at all.

    I owned my own small condo. I get not needing stuff.   Our social groups are "gifts for showers, money for weddings".    We still registried to upgrade some things or added stuff we would like to have, but didn't want to spend the money for them.  That was for the shower.   

    I would say 90% of the guests gave us cash at the wedding. Without us even asking.

    If you do not want gifts I suggest not having a shower. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'm with mom. HM registries are deceiving. It's the same as asking for cash which makes them rude and tacky.
     
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-not-sitting-well-with-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6d4edbf-2eb3-4838-b934-addb8971125fPost:830769f9-31ac-4da0-b201-76307bd07d3b">Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi All, Please help!  My mom is paying for our wedding.  My fiancee and I own a small home in CA.  We want to travel and so have registered at Traveler's Joy for 2 trips, one to Africa after the wedding and a 2nd on our anniversary next year.  My mom and step father are appalled at the registry and think asking $7k in gifts is rude when our current home is small and doesn't have alot of kitchen space so we don't have nice dishes, glassware etc.  They think we are not taking the right steps to save for a bigger home and a proper future.   I feel she has judged every decision we have made thus far.  She's obviously entitled to her opinon especially because she is footing the bill but I'm lying awake stressed at night b/c I don't feel I'm disappointing her.  But if I choose her route, I'm unhappy.  The only thing she likes is my dress.  I don't know how to keep her happy while moving forward with what we want.  Are we asking too much with the honeymoon registry?  The only other place we are registered is Walmart for 6 small items.   Please help!!
    Posted by Sarahlynn799[/QUOTE]

    <div>Honeymoon registries don't sit well with many people.  They are very rude and deceitful, not to mention full of logistical problems.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Even if they were acceptable, registering for $7,000 of gifts is outrageous.  Take down the registry.  If you don't want any physical items, don't register.  </div>
  • All I read was the title and agreed with your parents. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Wait, you registered for 2 trips?? What happens if you don't get enough to go on either one? What if I gave you money to go on your second trip and then you changed your plans?

    I'm with your parents, totally rude.

     

  • mc4dj13mc4dj13 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    9/10 People will say it is rude but unfortunatly for them the truth is that asking for cash is just so much more convenient than gifts in any case. Perhaps change it from honeymoon to saving up for a larger home?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-not-sitting-well-with-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6d4edbf-2eb3-4838-b934-addb8971125fPost:cd4a98d5-e6c6-48bf-bab9-440527926122">Re: Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]9/10 People will say it is rude but unfortunatly for them the truth is that asking for cash is just so much more convenient than gifts in any case. Perhaps change it from honeymoon to saving up for a larger home?
    Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is absurd.  You know that it is rude, but do it anyway because you think it is convenient?</div><div>
    </div><div>BTW, registering for a larger home is just as rude.  It's the asking for cash part that is so distasteful.  </div>
  • I agree with your parents. And I can't get over that you not only registered for your honeymoon, but for another trip for your anniversary.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-not-sitting-well-with-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6d4edbf-2eb3-4838-b934-addb8971125fPost:830769f9-31ac-4da0-b201-76307bd07d3b">Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi All, Please help!  My mom is paying for our wedding.  My fiancee and I own a small home in CA.  We want to travel and so have registered at Traveler's Joy for 2 trips, <strong>one </strong>to Africa after the wedding and<strong> a 2nd</strong> on our anniversary next year.  My mom and step father are appalled at the registry and think asking $7k in gifts is rude when our current home is small and doesn't have alot of kitchen space so we don't have nice dishes, glassware etc.  They think we are not taking the right steps to save for a bigger home and a proper future.   I feel she has judged every decision we have made thus far.  She's obviously entitled to her opinon especially because she is footing the bill but I'm lying awake stressed at night b/c I don't feel I'm disappointing her.  But if I choose her route, I'm unhappy.  The only thing she likes is my dress.  I don't know how to keep her happy while moving forward with what we want.  Are we asking too much with the honeymoon registry?  The only other place we are registered is Walmart for 6 small items.   Please help!!
    Posted by Sarahlynn799[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I am not a fan of honeymoon registries personally, but that's not the big problem I see here.</div><div>
    </div><div>You registering for <strong>two </strong>trips looks very greedy.</div><div>
    </div><div>People are smart. If they see that you only have a very, very small registry, they will give you money (and the ones who won't give you money weren't going to fund a honeymoon registry in the first place).

    </div>
  • Your parents are correct.  Honeymoon registries are tacky.
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I think TWO trips is absolutely obnoxious.  While I don't agree with honeymoon registries...that's what it is...a HONEYMOON registry, not a "lets have our wedding guests fund multiple vacations" registry.

    Don't do it. I'm sure you can find things for the home.
  • Sorry but your parents are right, this is incredubly rude. I don't understand couples thinking it's alright to ask for cash for their sex vacation. Lose the honeymoon/anniversary registry and keep your small one. People will get the hint and give cash.
  • Your mom is right. Lose the honeymoon registry. If people ask (and they will), tell them you're saving up for a fun honeymoon, but registries asking for money (whether it's a honeymoon or a gift card) come across as rude and money-mongering, even if it's not your intention.

    And, while I know you don't seem keen on getting presents, some people will prefer to spend their money on gifts, not on cash, so think about whether there are a few items you'd like to add to your registry so that they have ideas on your style/interests.
  • FancypantsamyFancypantsamy member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-not-sitting-well-with-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6d4edbf-2eb3-4838-b934-addb8971125fPost:cd4a98d5-e6c6-48bf-bab9-440527926122">Re: Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]9/10 People will say it is rude but unfortunatly for them the truth is that asking for cash is just so much more convenient than gifts in any case. Perhaps change it from honeymoon to saving up for a larger home?
    Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Congratulations! You're old enough to be getting married yet have been able to avoid understanding that a gift is not a form of income! That's like an accomplishment in entitlement. </div>
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    Since PPs have addressed the honeymoon registry aspect of your post, I'm going to address another aspect: your mom not thinking you aren't saving for your future.

    While people have different approaches to money, you need to ask yourself if she is correct.  My basic priorities in spending are:

    1) Taxes
    2) Student loans (can't be discharged in bankruptcy)
    3) Retirement
    4) Emergency fund
    5) Bills/spending/credit cards/rent
    6) House savings fund
    7) Travel fund

    So if I don't have enough for a travel fund, that gets cut first.  Then if I don't have enough to put away for our house downpayment, that gets cut second.  And then if I don't have enough for that coach purse I really want to buy, my spending gets cut.  And if I can't pay any of my bills my emergency fund gets cut, and so on and so forth.  Notice that travel is at the very bottom of the list.

    Planning a trip to Africa this year plus another trip next year, in which guests must fund the entire thing for both, indicates to me that your mother is correct and you and your FI aren't being financially responsible.  As much as we'd all love to take that vacation of a lifetime for a honeymoon, a honeymoon is ultimately just a trip that happens to occur during a time in most people's lives when money is tight.  Plenty of people take minimoons or staycations or other variations on that theme (or nothing at all) in order to keep their spending under control. 

    These boards will ALWAYS tell you to take the vacation you can afford.  What this means varies for each couple.  For H and I, it means we take that vacation after our other 6 ategories are funded and accounted for.  Going into debt in order to take a vacation is one of the worst possible things you can do to start your marriage.  And asking guests to pay for it is incredibly rude and tacky.


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  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-not-sitting-well-with-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6d4edbf-2eb3-4838-b934-addb8971125fPost:c83b1ab8-2bc4-44f7-ac87-dec24af21baa">Re: Honeymoon registry not sitting well with parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]This may sound rude and/or insensitive but I will proceed, what's wrong with saving for your own honeymoon trip if your parents are footing the bill for your wedding? If i was able to do that I would have been flown on a private jet to wherever we wanted to go...  I second everything @hoffse said plus additional thoughts... I have some good insight on saving since DH and I just saved a substantial amount of money to pay for our wedding and honeymoon.   <strong>We saved at least 1500+ dollars a month, following a strict budget</strong> and using a tiered system much like hoffse's 1. Living expenses & bills 2. Emergency fund 3. wedding <strong>it was all about cutting costs on everything and it all paid off.   We just spent 10 days in mexico at a very nice resort, plus we even saved so much we could upgrade to first class.  It was well worth it.</strong>   So my advice.. create a small registry of things you need / want to upgrade and your guests will get the message.   Seriously we had an ample registry and we only got 2 actual presents at our wedding..
    Posted by clovester[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>All of this, especially the bolded.  OP, part of being an adult is affording your lifestyle.  That means that you don't get instant gratification whenever you want it.  Frankly I think a honeymoon to Africa sounds awful anyway because you lose at least 15+ hours traveling each way after a really exhausting event (we are soooo excited about our resort that's just a 3 hr flight away), but if that's what you want to do then you need to cut other things out of your life to make it happen.  That does NOT mean failing to pay your bills, going into debt, or stopping your retirement (assuming you have it, and if you don't you should start).  It means cutting out the starbucks, staying away from online shopping, etc.  If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to accept the realities of a budget and live by it. </div>
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  • The HM registries are not only rude, they're silly.

    All you're doing is letting a corporation dip into your pockets and take your money because you're being too lazy to follow the traditional method of asking for cash gifts.

    They take a percentage from each 'gift'.  That's YOUR money.  You going to let them just walk off with your money?  For what?  Saving you a little talking?  

    Nope, silly.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • I don't get cought up in what's rude or not personally I'm not very traditional so things like a HM registry doesn't make me bat an eye.  However, my concern about these are what if you don't get enough funds and yes I think 7k is a lot (and don't think it should have the price tag on there) I have known many people who have given as a gift (not asked by the bride though) the gift of a honeymoon.  While I can see why people dislike them just make sure if anything you have other options and a back up plan for if it doesn't get funded.  I also agree with above just take the cash they would of gave you and plan your own trip yourself!  Be realistic here.  
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