Advice with my mother

lauralboone

I know that problems with mothers are a very common issue when planning a wedding but I'm starting to really be offended and hurt by my mother's actions. I am my mom's only child and I know she has looked forward to helping me plan my wedding for a while now. However, everything I have chosen my mom has criticized. I chose satin tea length bidesmaid dresses...she said my wedding pictures won't look nice. We took engagement photos and she didn't like those because we didn't dress up. We wore jeans. She was unbearable while shopping for a dress. The consultant was about to kick her out because she was so frustrated with my mom. The biggest issue is that my FI and I plan to have dancing and alcohol, mainly wine and champagne at our wedding reception. My mom is a conservative Christian. I am also a Christian but believe that having a drink once and a while is not bad as long as it is not done in abundance. She has told me that she is disappointed in me and that I am going down the wrong path just for wanting champagne at my wedding reception. I have told her that she does not have to drink or dance but I would appreciate her support. She seems to think that by supporting me will cause her to miss Heaven. On top of all of this, we have been looking for a mother of the bride dress. She doesn't know much about computers and the internet but she found some dresses she liked on this website that looks like a scam. I showed her some really bad reviews that I found on google and told her not to order a dress from there. Well, come to find out that two days after I showed those reviews to her she not only ordered one dress but TWO DRESSES and they are both ugly and not appropriate. One is a long tulle gown which is almost as dressy as mine. It is just tacky and the other looks like a dress you would buy at Walmart. Nothing against Walmart but $328 is a bit much to spend on something of that quality. I asked my mother if she found a dress and she flat out told me that she did not and and would not have the money till November to buy a dress. She flat out lied to me and when I confronted her about it she would not admit that she lied. I just find it so disrespectful that my mother would do something that I specifically asked her not to for my wedding. I'm just hurt by all of her comments and her lies.I just don't know what to do at this point. I want to enjoy this whole process and I want to share it with my mother. I would love any advice anyone can give me on this subject! Thank you!!

MairePoppy

I'm very sorry your mom is being difficult.

You didn't mention who's paying for your wedding. If it's your mom, then you'll have to forgo the liquor. You can't expect her to pay for something that goes against her religious beliefs. 

If you're paying, you can do whatever you like. You should plan without her and only give her information on a needs to know basis. If you'd like to compromise, then you could hold off on the bar and dancing until after dinner. Your mom could attend your wedding and dinner without being offended. After that, she could leave if she is offended by other adults drinking alcohol. 

The moms get to pick thier own dresses. If your mom's dress looks ridiculous, it's a reflection on her, not you.

lauralboone

My FI and I are paying for the wedding. Thanks for the advice!

erinlin25

It's ok to disagree with your mom, just try to be nice and get out her opinions and then nicely say you and FI have gone a different route.  Especially if you are paying it is absolutely OK to host the wedding how you would like.  Just because there is alcohol does not mean your mom needs to drink it.  And let her know you are offended that she thinks poorly of your decisions when you are in fact a nice person.  My FBIL/FSIL had this same issue with my FMIL-- she does not drink due to her conservative christian ways and through a fit when FBIL was planning their wedding with alcohol and dancing.  She was not paying for the wedding and FBIL/FSIL sat her down and stood up for themselves and their choices.  Now that me and FI are planning our wedding she has not said anything and knows there will be an open bar.  She definitely likes to give her little digs not directed at us and the fact we enjoy a drink here and there, but my FI has always stood up to her and has not let her bully him into thinking he is a horrible person just because he likes to drink.  We remind her we drink responsibly and it should not reflect poorly on our character because we do. 

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0d559d2-1368-45af-bc52-8d257d64b4eePost:6f048532-7ca8-4059-9f37-55fd2dadbbe9">Re: Advice with my mother</a>:
[QUOTE]About the champagne, how does your mother explain that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine to celebrate the wedding at Cana? About the dress, she can wear whatever she wants.  You don't get to choose for her.  Good luck. At my mother's last wedding, there was a Protestant punchbowl (non-alcoholic) and a Catholic punchbowl (alcoholic).  My conservative aunt got into the wrong punchbowl.  She delivereed a wonderful temperance sermon while downing cup after cup of the alcoholic punch.  "Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine!  I must ask Susan for this recipe.  It's delicious!"  No one had the heart to tell her the truth.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm a terrible person because this gave me the giggles ^_^.</div>

MairePoppy

CMGr - 

I grew up in a very Catholic family and have never been to a wedding where the alcohol wasn't flowing. The term 'dry wedding' is an oxymoron to my family : )

Thanks for the laugh.

AddieCake

Hahahaha!

kmcclelland7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0d559d2-1368-45af-bc52-8d257d64b4eePost:6f048532-7ca8-4059-9f37-55fd2dadbbe9">Re: Advice with my mother</a>:
[QUOTE]About the champagne, how does your mother explain that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine to celebrate the wedding at Cana? About the dress, she can wear whatever she wants.  You don't get to choose for her.  Good luck. At my mother's last wedding, there was a Protestant punchbowl (non-alcoholic) and a Catholic punchbowl (alcoholic).  My conservative aunt got into the wrong punchbowl.  She delivereed a wonderful temperance sermon while downing cup after cup of the alcoholic punch.  "Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine!  I must ask Susan for this recipe.  It's delicious!"  No one had the heart to tell her the truth.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>I laughed out loud at this.  Great story :-)</div>

saric83

I totally agree with PP's about not sharing plans with her and not having a say in her attire.  But I just wanted to add that by pushing your opinions on her with her dress, you're doing the exact same thing to her that you're frustrated with her for doing to you....just something to keep in mind.   

mc4dj13

In Response to Re: Advice with my mother:
[QUOTE]LOL, mc4dj13!  Maybe designated one of the bathroom stalls as a confessional for her! Yeah, she's being ridiculous.....I hope she doesn't want to bring Fred Phelps as her +1.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Finally someone who gets my humor! 

nycrose2013

I find it ridiculous that someone actually thinks that being at a wedding with alcohol will cause them not to go to heaven. Some people will do anything to be sanctimonious