Gay Weddings

Name change?

While I understand that this is a 100% personal opinion, I'm looking for advice or at least other opinions on the name-change matter.  My FI and I are struggling with what to do about our last name.  I don't want to take her last name as it may reinforce the "butch/femme" stereotypes that her incredibly non-understanding family tries to assign us.  She's not completely open to taking my last name either.  Hyphenating just sounds.. odd (neither of us have a particularly short last name).  She suggested we both keep our maiden names, but I think for me part of identifying as a family will be a shared last name.  When we have children (which we want), I don't want the last name to be an issue at that point.

I know at the end of the day this is our decision together.  And we've talked about it often and still not reached a decision.  Just wondering if anyone else has encountered similar struggles.
Knottie659244a910fb6dc1

Re: Name change?

  • My fiance and I are not changing our last names. His last name is fairly common and sounds well; I'm part of a legacy and I don't want to break that chain by changing my last name. That said, I know of a couple who hypenated and another who changed both last names to form something different.

    If neither of you want to take the others last name, then either you keep what was given to you or make up something different.

    Sunday, May 18, 2014 - Baltimore, Maryland

    "Each time you love, love as deeply as if it were forever" - Audre Lorde

  • I took my partner's name. I don't believe it reinforces any butch-femme stereotype unless that is what you want to do.  My partner is butch, I am femme. I wanted to change my name. My partner didn't.  We explained that to people. They either accepted that as fact, or they didn't.  I wouldn't let what you think other people are going to think or not think sway you either way.  They are probably going to think those things anyway.

    You are right though. This is a very personal decision.  If you don't want to change your name, don't. If you do, do.  You will have to address the "what name will our kids have" issue, but straight couples who choose not to change their names deal with that as well. 
    Sunshine312SP29
  • edited April 2013
    I will be changing my name for a few reasons. One, I always intended to since our family name is still being carried on, two, she doesn't want to, three, her last name is better than mine, and four, we had no intention of hyphenating. However, this is our decision. Maybe you could use letters in each and create a new name....
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  • When I was little I always dreamed of taking my partners last name. Course I had dreamed that it was like Smith or Adams and not the alphabet blender that is my FI's last name. Either way once we're married I'll be taking her name.  
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    Knottie659244a910fb6dc1
  • 2dBride2dBride
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited April 2013
    Neither of us changed her name.  Then again, I didn't change my name in my first marriage (to a man). The custom never made any sense to me.  You end up losing everyone you have known your whole life unless they know your partner's name, losing any reputation you have built professionally, and going through a lot of hassles in the name change process itself.  Believe me, it is a lot less trouble just to have separate last names!
  • In Response to Re:Name change?:
    Neither of us changed her name.nbsp; Then again, I didn't change my name in my first marriage to a man. The custom never made any sense to me.nbsp; You end up losing everyone you have known your whole life unless they know your partner's name, losing any reputation you have built professionally, and going through a lot of hassles in the name change process itself.nbsp; Believe me, it is a lot less trouble just to have separate last names! Posted by 2dBride
    I didn't have this experience at all. The entire name change process took me a half a day to complete and was really no big deal. I'm still searchable on linkedin and facebook under my old last name, so I didn't lose any professional contacts.
    Knottie659244a910fb6dc1
  • My partner and I will be hyphenating our names. We have one daughter whose adoption will be final this summer. We have found that in having kids it makes things easier if your names match. Since Colorado just approved Civil Unions we are getting "married" at the court house on May 13th. We are actually having a wedding ceremony on what we consider our anniversary date of August 26th. We can legally change our names in the state of Colorado but they will not be recognized Federally. We still have to do separate legal name changes so our passports and social security cards match. Since we will have a Civil Union we will be able to adopt our daughter at the same time. Otherwise we would have to each adopt her separately and she would have 2 separate birth certificates. Now she'll have just one with both of our names on it. Most importantly to us is that we will all have the same last name!
  • I am changing my last name to my FI's last name. She is the only one with her last name that can "carry it on" so to speak. We also want children and live in a state where second parent adoption isn't legal (yet!) so it makes sense for us to have the same last name to reinforce the family-ness that we want to create. But of course, it's totally up to you! 
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  • I am the femme and she is the butch, but she is taking my name because that's what sounds better to both of us.  We also considered that my family is much more supportive than hers and would welcome her taking the family name.  The process was easy.  Just take your DP certificate to the social security office, along with your passport and birth certificate and file the name change then go the the DMV and do the same.  It was easy to change the name on the bank account and credit cards once she got her new ID and SS card.  I am not fond of hyphenated names.  That's just my opinion.  For me, this was a very important and personal decision.  I even checked with my mother and father to inquire if they would welcome the change, and they did.  That sealed the deal!
  • sdg2502sdg2502
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
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    I am going to take my partners name.  My partner is a cop and so is called her last name as part of her title at work, uses it when she goes to court etc etc.  I am not bothered about my last name one way or another.  Plus, I get really excited at the thought of having her name :D  I felt like keeping our own names wouldn't feel like we'd got as married as some people get, which probably sounds a bit ridiculous! 
    My friends are going another way though, they are both taking a new name.  In their case, one of their mothers maiden names, since it wasn't carried on to their generation.
  • I am keeping my last name my fiance will take mine. I am the "girly" one in the relationship, so it doesn't matter. The reason for me to keep my last name is that my sister and I are the only ones left to carry it on. Plus my fiance hasn't talked to her parents in years.
  • How did you go about the legal name change?
  • edited June 2013
    @Mctaerin It's different from state to state, but where I live I had to petition the court and I will go in front of a judge next month to explain why I want to change my name and hopefully the judge grants my request. 
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    Mctaerinmelbelleup
  • @Mctaerin It's different from state to state, but where I live I had to petition the court and I will go in front of a judge next month to explain why I want to change my name and hopefully the judge grants my request. 

    The judge cannot deny your request unless they have a valid reason. When you do a court name change, they do a background check on you.  Unless the judge finds that you are changing your name for shady reasons (to try to escape prosecution in another state, or avoid bills or child support), there is literally zero reason a judge can deny your name change. 
    MctaerinmelbelleupSunshine312adk19
  • I've never liked my last name, so I am WILLINGLY taking on my fiancée's last name. I came into the relationship with 2 children and so when she adopts them we plan on getting their last name changed as well to hers. 
  • We have decided that I will take her last name, but that I am hyphenating it with mine. My name means a lot to me, but her name means a lot to her as well. The idea of neither of us changing our name wasn't working, so the compromise was for me to hyphenate, which I am totally ok with! I like the way it sounds when it rolls of my tongue... LOL.

    You all have to do what makes sense to you, regardless to what people think it's supposed to look like.

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  • I will be taking my partner's last name. Here in Oregon you can opt to change your name when you register your domestic partnership without having to go through a separate process. I am not taking her name because she's the butch and I'm the femme but because her last name means a lot to her. Neither of us wants to deal with hyphenating, so this is the best option for us.
  • We're keeping our last names. Our names wouldn't be good to hyphenate, and we both feel they are connected to our professional reputations in a way that would be too laborious to alter.
  • I know several couples that combined their names. I like that idea, and that's what my FI and I are trying to work out now.
  • I'm taking her last name as my last name and she's taking my last name as her middle name. She didn't want to change her last name but she still wanted mine, and I wanted to change my last name, so we compromised. That was the one thing I was most confused, but she figured it out for me and I love it.
  • I currently have a hypenated last name, and I cannot wait to change it to my fiance's.  We live in Michigan though, and since same sex marriage is not legal, we will have to petition the court and pay all the fees to do it.
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  • I'll be taking my Partner's last name because:

    1. I have always had a hyphenated name and I HATE it

    2. Her family is awesome and I love the idea of becoming one of "them"

    3. though it upsets others we accept our "roles" I am a femme and she's butch. We like the idea of me becoming her Mrs. I see her in the same way a straight girl would see her Husband.
  • we are going to hyphenate our names.  We are both a little older and settled in our jobs, but we also want a family and think it is important that our family has one name.  So this seemed like the best solution.  I also just can't wait till we have one name and our clearly a family.    
  • We will both be changing our last names. My last name hasn't ever meant much of anything to me, as there is no family history or heartfelt tie to it. Initially the idea was for me to take her last name. Then we got to thinking about it and her last name really doesn't make her happy either, as it belongs to a biological father who was never in her life. That's how we came about our current plan, which is that she will change her last name first, before the wedding, to her stepfather's last name. Her stepdad (who she just refers to as her dad) has raised her and her two sisters since she was 5. He was the one who cooked, helped with homework, and learned to braid hair for them. He never had any biological children and his brother never had any boys, so there is no one to take on their last name. So she will be taking the name, and then I will take her last name as well and that's the name we will give to our children.
    SheMarie82adk19SP29yelibin1999
  • My partner and I are going to each keep our last names. Would I love for her to have my name? Of course, but it is here decision. She likes her last name, I like my last name, so we are keeping them. However, our children will have my last name (we agreed on that). She did mention that once we have kids, she might want to change her last name so that it matches them. Hyphenating is not an option because neither of us like it. Personal preference I guess. I would say keep your last names and discuss what you want your children's last names to be. 
  • My fiancee and I have decided to pick our own last name! While we both love our families, we just don't have an emotional attachment to either of our last names. So. . . we figured -- why not just create pick our own family name! 
    april&amanda
  • @abbyandjade I am so happy for you guys!!!! That is really nice idea!
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  • My fiancée and I have decided to kind of do our own thing. I have no emotional attachment to my current last name (my Father's last name) and have always wanted to change it to my Mother's maiden name but my fiancée wanted me to have her last name. There was no way my fiancée was changing her last name as she lost her father just a few years ago and that is essentially her tie to him now. We have compromised and I'll be hyphening and she will keep hers.
  • My fiancée is taking my last name. Her mom isn't so happy about it but we thought it is for the better. I'm the only one out of my siblings to marry and I'd like to carry on my dad's name. (Plus, my name is mispronounced a lot and they'd end up calling us Fester Addams if we hyphenate it.)
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