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2 engagements, 2 weddings, 1 family

I need advice.  I have been with my man for about 7 years now.  We have had a ring for about 2.  We are pretty "out-of-the-box" people where we have been planning our wedding since around november, un-announced to anyone in the family.  My boyfriends sister just got engaged in february with her boyfriend of about 3 years.  It was a complete suprise to everyone and kind of out of the blue.  I had continually asked her when she was expecting it since i knew i was planning mine and she always acted like it was years away.  We both have settled on September of 2014.  Mine is because my parents got married in september and i would like to also have the same month.. Also we would like an outside ceremony and there are only so many months in St. Louis where the weather is tolerable.  She is wanting to buy a house and get married next year. She originally told me summer/fall of next year but now that i told her september it seems like she is all huffy puffy that SHE wanted september and how dare we do this Just because we are not "officially engaged" she is having a fit about having to plan around our events.  She doesnt want to have to worry about our events when she is trying to plan her batchelorette, shower, etc.  Im really upset considering we have been planning for a while now, but because we were not 'official' about it, she feels that she has the right of way since she was "engaged" first.  I dont know how to handle this. All i would like is for me and my boyfriend to be married first since we have been together so much longer and im not getting any younger. Can someone give me some advice on how to handle this.  Im sooooo stressed over this.  Help!!

Re: 2 engagements, 2 weddings, 1 family

  • edited May 2013
    You each get ONE day. If they is a week apart, so be it. Neither of you will outshine the other. Your weddings will be different because they are yours. You shouldn't plan anything around her or the other way around. 

    It sounds like you both need to grow up a little and get married when you each want to. 

    ETA: Also, no one officially sets a date until deposits are sent in. Have you put money down anywhere?
  • bakeriebakerie member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I don't understand, if you have a ring and are planning a wedding how are you NOT engaged?
  • is he "your man, your boyfriend, or your fiance"?   You get a day. She gets a day.  Plan your wedding and let her plan hers.  My first bit of advice is stop calling him "your man".  It makes you sound juvenile.  My second bit of advice is, since you were planning a wedding in secret, you don't really get to be pissy that she is getting married before or around you.   You should have made your plans known to her.
  • Ditto PP. Pick a day and be happy. I really don't get why brides get so up tight about having "their own month" my FSIL and FBIL are getting one day after us. We are postponing our HM just to be there.
  • First, I don't understand how you can have a ring and be planning a wedding yet not be engaged. There's no gray area with engaged - you either are or you are not. Second, until the deposits are down nothing is set in stone. Third, you each get one day. My FBIL is getting married three weeks after FI and myself. In the same month. Sure, it pissed some OOT family members off, but that's just the way it happened. Forget about who's older and who's been dating longer - it doesn't matter.
  • You lost me at "my man" and boyfriend...
     
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  • In Response to 2 engagements, 2 weddings, 1 family:
    [QUOTE]I need advice.  I have been with my man for about 7 years now.  We have had a ring for about 2.  We are pretty "out-of-the-box" people where we have been planning our wedding since around november, un-announced to anyone in the family.  My boyfriends sister just got engaged in february with her boyfriend of about 3 years.  It was a complete suprise to everyone and kind of out of the blue.  I had continually asked her when she was expecting it since i knew i was planning mine and she always acted like it was years away.  We both have settled on September of 2014.  Mine is because my parents got married in september and i would like to also have the same month.. Also we would like an outside ceremony and there are only so many months in St. Louis where the weather is tolerable.  She is wanting to buy a house and get married next year. She originally told me summer/fall of next year but now that i told her september it seems like she is all huffy puffy that SHE wanted september and how dare we do this Just because we are not "officially engaged" she is having a fit about having to plan around our events.  She doesnt want to have to worry about our events when she is trying to plan her batchelorette, shower, etc.  Im really upset considering we have been planning for a while now, but because we were not 'official' about it, she feels that she has the right of way since she was "engaged" first.  I dont know how to handle this. All i would like is for me and my boyfriend to be married first since we have been together so much longer and im not getting any younger. Can someone give me some advice on how to handle this.  Im sooooo stressed over this.  Help!!
    Posted by Ren1822[/QUOTE]

    This sounds very immature.  It is not a competition.  I would seriously question your motives to get married.   You don't sound mature enough to handle such an important life event quite yet.

  • In Response to Re: 2 engagements, 2 weddings, 1 family:
    [QUOTE]You lost me at "my man" and boyfriend...
    Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

    You and me both.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    Hi Ren. I have some questions that your OP doesn't answer - why was your planning a secret? Why don't you consider yourselves "officially engaged" if you're actively planning, working on setting a date, etc.? With the information you've posted here, I feel like it's a little late to be upset with FSIL for picking a date in September - how was she even supposed to know?

    I think it would be good for both of you to take a step back and remember that, like the ladies above have all said, you both get one day. It's not called a wedding "month" for a reason. Your wedding will be meaningful and special to you regardless of when hers is, so there is really no need for either of you to stress over it. What you both should keep in mind is that you are going to be family after the weddings are over. Even if you aren't close, being considerate and polite when you see each other is guaranteed to make everything a lot smoother. I hope that you will both keep this in mind as you go about planning.
  • While I do agree it's immature to want the whole month to yourself, I can still sympathize. Let's be honest, we all have our selfish moments when it comes to being a bride. If you want the month to yourself THAT badly, push yours back to October. You've already waited 2 years, I don't see what the problem with another month is. October is GORGEOUS. In September, you still run the risk of a very hot day. Move your date, ANNOUNCE it, and be done with it. And be the bigger person, don't bully the other bride into moving hers. That's bad karma, and you don't want bad karma going into your wedding day!
  • Why are you planning in secret? If you have a ring, doesn't everyone know, and wouldn't they be wondering what your plans are?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • efmcc67efmcc67 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Like PPs, I'm not sure what you mean by "officially engaged." What does that mean?

    Do you have a venue booked? You haven't really set a date until you've talked to your VIPs and booked a venue. Ours changed at least three times due to various factors.

    Dating longer does not mean that you get to get married first. FI and I started dating in October 2001. A lot of people who started dating after us got married first, including several members of my family. You can't really be jealous about that, especially if you've been making plans "unannounced."
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  • How much planning have you done, OP? Do you have a venue deposit paid? If you've just been looking at vendors without actually booking anything, it's no surprise your FI's sister (you ARE engaged- you have a ring and are planning a wedding) is confused. 

    As PPs said, both of you get one day. It'd be nice for the families if they weren't a day apart, but that's something the two of you will have to work out together. Pick what's best for you and your VIPs, and let the cards fall.
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