Asking for help - etiquette

qnashley90

I am hoping to do a lot of DIY for the wedding.  One of the articles on theknot mentioned "if you know someone who has sweet skills at something get them to help."  What is the ettiquette on asking people to help you with the wedding.  Obviously we would pay for their help.

For example, a friend of my fiance's is great at baking.  I'd love it if she baked our wedding cake.  Is it okay to ask someone to do it?

Another example, I have a friend who is a visual designer and works for a advertising company.  Would it be acceptable to ask her to help design invites to the wedding?

The reason being, I don't know if it is okay or not is another article on theknot mentioned don't ask people to help, wait for them to offer? But how does that work?

Like if I wanted to have some of my bridesmaids or family help me assemble centerpieces or bouquets??  As you can see I am all about the DIY.  I have a long engagement so we have time to put all of this together ourselves. 

Kate61487

ditto Kristan - if you want to ask someone to be a vendor for your wedding (special talent. you pay them) Then ask if they'd be willing / able and what it would cost.  Be sure to mention money when you ask; this lets them know you're hiring them, not asking for a favor.

If you're not wanting to hire them to do a job (i.e. asking for help with favors, centerpieces, etc.) then don't ask at all.  Anyone who wants to help will say "hey is there anything I can do?"  then you say "actually we're going to be assembling centerpieces this weekend, would you want to come over?"

lindanp

I asked a question similar to this a while back and one knottie advised me to ask baker, graphic designer, etc. if they had anyone they would recommend to do cake/invitations. This gives them an opportunity to offer to help if they were already considering it without you flat out asking them for help. Then, if they can't or don't want to help, they can just tell you who is best in the field or even offer to score you a deal with their connection.

We did this with our friend who is a photographer. She recommended her friend who is a great deal (about 1/2 the going rate in Boise) because she only been doing weddings for a couple years but since a photographer who's work we love signed off on her work it seems like a pretty sweet deal.

We also asked Fi's little sister who she would recommend in her field to do my hair/makeup and she offered to do it on the spot. So for me, it worked both ways and wasn't awkward at all.

STARMOON44

There's nothing wrong with asking someone if you can hire them to do something for you. I'd have an idea of what a reasonable fee is first. You have plenty of time to do it yourself, so do just that. Don't ask people to do things for you as a favor, let them offer.

SJM7538

In Response to Asking for help - etiquette:
[QUOTE]I am hoping to do a lot of DIY for the wedding.  One of the articles on theknot mentioned "if you know someone who has sweet skills at something get them to help."  What is the ettiquette on asking people to help you with the wedding.  Obviously we would pay for their help. For example, a friend of my fiance's is great at baking.  I'd love it if she baked our wedding cake.  Is it okay to ask someone to do it? Another example, I have a friend who is a visual designer and works for a advertising company.  Would it be acceptable to ask her to help design invites to the wedding? The reason being, I don't know if it is okay or not is another article on theknot mentioned don't ask people to help, wait for them to offer? But how does that work? Like if I wanted to have some of my bridesmaids or family help me assemble centerpieces or bouquets??  As you can see I am all about the DIY.  I have a long engagement so we have time to put all of this together ourselves. 
Posted by qnashley90[/QUOTE]

She is great at baking or she is a baker? As in that is her occupation. There i a huge difference. My little sister is a fantastic baker but I would never fathom asking her to make a wedding cake. That is a HUGE task. Also, have you booked your venue yet? Some venues won't let you bring in outside food or drinks or they charge you. My venue asks that they make our cake/cupcakes otherwise its a $2.50 per person plating/cutting fee so in the end its not worth it going elsewhere.

I think if you're planning on paying your friends its fine to ask, especially if it is what they do for a living because then its really just like any other vendor. I would just be leary of having contracts/money when it comes to friends. If they do something you don't like or want then it can get sticky and effect the friendship.

As far as friends and family helping assemble stuff like centerpieces ect. I think you need to use your own judgement on that one. I needed help with a wedding task that my FI is just no good at (it involved baking) so I asked one of my BMs. She was more than happy to help. But I also know her very well and knew that she wouldn't mind.  

Simply Fated

For example, a friend of my fiance's is great at baking.  I'd love it if she baked our wedding cake.  Is it okay to ask someone to do it?
Baking a wedding cake is a huge job. You'd have to pay her like any other vendor. There also the added stress of having to get the cake to the venue while still being a guest. Also, there could be liability issues if someone gets sick.

Another example, I have a friend who is a visual designer and works for a advertising company.  Would it be acceptable to ask her to help design invites to the wedding?
I think this is okay as long as you're there with her, without micromanaging. Again, you mentioned paying them and this is something you should follow through with.

The reason being, I don't know if it is okay or not is another article on theknot mentioned don't ask people to help, wait for them to offer? But how does that work?

Like if I wanted to have some of my bridesmaids or family help me assemble centerpieces or bouquets??  As you can see I am all about the DIY.  I have a long engagement so we have time to put all of this together ourselves.
If they offer to help, ask them if they'd like to help assemble centerpieces or what ever.
I think it's okay to ask for help. I mean, if you need help, ask. Offer them to come over one night for some wine and pizza and bang out a couple of centerpieces.
But either way, always expect that they might say no. And then the DIY projects are all on you and Fi. Always plan that you might have to do these projects yourself.

 

SJM7538

In Response to Re: Asking for help - etiquette:
[QUOTE]For example, a friend of my fiance's is great at baking.  I'd love it if she baked our wedding cake.  Is it okay to ask someone to do it? Baking a wedding cake is a huge job. You'd have to pay her like any other vendor. There also the added stress of having to get the cake to the venue while still being a guest. Also, there could be liability issues if someone gets sick. Another example, I have a friend who is a visual designer and works for a advertising company.  Would it be acceptable to ask her to help design invites to the wedding? I think this is okay as long as you're there with her, without micromanaging. Again, you mentioned paying them and this is something you should follow through with. The reason being, I don't know if it is okay or not is another article on theknot mentioned don't ask people to help, wait for them to offer? But how does that work? Like if I wanted to have some of my bridesmaids or family help me assemble centerpieces or bouquets??  As you can see I am all about the DIY.  I have a long engagement so we have time to put all of this together ourselves. If they offer to help, ask them if they'd like to help assemble centerpieces or what ever. I think it's okay to ask for help. I mean, if you need help, ask. Offer them to come over one night for some wine and pizza and bang out a couple of centerpieces. But either way, always expect that they might say no. And then the DIY projects are all on you and Fi. Always plan that you might have to do these projects yourself.  
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This exactly! I wish all brides though like this and didn't just expect their bridal party to basically be free labor!

qnashley90

Thanks a lot!



In Response to Re: Asking for help - etiquette:
[QUOTE]I asked a question similar to this a while back and one knottie advised me to ask baker, graphic designer, etc. if they had anyone they would recommend to do cake/invitations. This gives them an opportunity to offer to help if they were already considering it without you flat out asking them for help. Then, if they can't or don't want to help, they can just tell you who is best in the field or even offer to score you a deal with their connection. We did this with our friend who is a photographer. She recommended her friend who is a great deal (about 1/2 the going rate in Boise) because she only been doing weddings for a couple years but since a photographer who's work we love signed off on her work it seems like a pretty sweet deal. We also asked Fi's little sister who she would recommend in her field to do my hair/makeup and she offered to do it on the spot. So for me, it worked both ways and wasn't awkward at all.
Posted by lindanp[/QUOTE]

qnashley90

I want to clarify, I would be willing to pay all of these people for help. I am not expecting anything to come free. 

As far as the bridesmaids helping, like another poster said, my idea was invite them over for dinner and maybe some wine (or other beverages) and get it done in one night like making a party out of it. But my biggest concern was asking people for the big stuff like cake and invites (once again paid service).

No she is not a baker, it is one of her many hobbies.  She is a stay at home mom and post pictures all the time of her own creations.  I probably won't ask just because of the responses from everyone, I am guessing I should just consult a baker.  I worked for a couple years in high school at a banquet hall (worked like 30+ weddings) and the cake (despite what theknot says) is always the least important part of the meal.  It is like pulling teeth getting people to take cake at the end of dinner. Most of the time it goes in the garbage or home with the bride and groom.  So I really don't want an elaborate one, which is why I considered just a simple homemade one. 

With the graphic designer, I'll treat her like a vendor and get a quoted price from her or at least a recommendation to go to someone to design them for me.

Thanks for the advice! Very new to all of this.

SJM7538

In Response to Re: Asking for help - etiquette:
[QUOTE]I want to clarify, I would be willing to pay all of these people for help. I am not expecting anything to come free.  As far as the bridesmaids helping, like another poster said, my idea was invite them over for dinner and maybe some wine (or other beverages) and get it done in one night like making a party out of it. But my biggest concern was asking people for the big stuff like cake and invites (once again paid service). No she is not a baker, it is one of her many hobbies.  She is a stay at home mom and post pictures all the time of her own creations.  I probably won't ask just because of the responses from everyone, I am guessing I should just consult a baker.  I worked for a couple years in high school at a banquet hall (worked like 30+ weddings) and the cake (despite what theknot says) is always the least important part of the meal.  It is like pulling teeth getting people to take cake at the end of dinner. Most of the time it goes in the garbage or home with the bride and groom.  So I really don't want an elaborate one, which is why I considered just a simple homemade one.  With the graphic designer, I'll treat her like a vendor and get a quoted price from her or at least a recommendation to go to someone to design them for me. Thanks for the advice! Very new to all of this.
Posted by qnashley90[/QUOTE]

I think that is doable as long as your wedding isn't that big. Even if the cake is simple and homemade making a cake for 200 people vs 50 people is a big task no matter what.

We opted for cupcakes and are providing take home boxes

tammym1001

I used to run an in home bakery. I no longer do this, but I have had close friends ask me to do their wedding cakes. I was never offended at them asking and they always offered to pay me at which point I would respond I would love to make it for you as your wedding gift. I don't think that asking someone in your family or a close friend to help you with something is a horrible thing to do. As long as you aren't rude or mad if they say no. My family asks me for favors all the time and I ask them for favors also. That's part of being a family or friends. You help each other when you need it.

Jen4948

In Response to Asking for help - etiquette:
[QUOTE]I am hoping to do a lot of DIY for the wedding.  One of the articles on theknot mentioned "if you know someone who has sweet skills at something get them to help."  What is the ettiquette on asking people to help you with the wedding.  Obviously we would pay for their help. For example, a friend of my fiance's is great at baking.  I'd love it if she baked our wedding cake.  Is it okay to ask someone to do it? Another example, I have a friend who is a visual designer and works for a advertising company.  Would it be acceptable to ask her to help design invites to the wedding? The reason being, I don't know if it is okay or not is another article on theknot mentioned don't ask people to help, wait for them to offer? But how does that work? Like if I wanted to have some of my bridesmaids or family help me assemble centerpieces or bouquets??  As you can see I am all about the DIY.  I have a long engagement so we have time to put all of this together ourselves. 
Posted by qnashley90[/QUOTE]

To be honest, I wouldn't ask friends or family to "work" your wedding if they are already on your guest list.  They should be able to just enjoy themselves without having to worry about the goods or services they or their companies are providing to you.

If you do, though, I think you should be willing to pay them what you would pay another professional to provide and have a contract.