what if I can't afford an open bar?

QueerFemme

I'm with @liatris2010  I'd much rather go to a dry wedding than a wedding where the host is trying to provide something outside of their budget.  And, asking your guests to subsidize your fancy venue by paying for something that you are serving IS subsidizing your wedding.

QueerFemme

PickleJuiceSlurper said:

"Etiquette" ranges so vastly.

Your etiquette and how to behave and act ranges between you and I because we grew up in different families, and probably different social classes, what is acceptable behavior to you, may be unacceptable to my family and I. What is correct to you, may not be correct to me.  

If I were an etiquette Nazi, I would tell you that you have poor etiquette for trying to argue with me via internet and pushing your views and opinions on me, when you aren't going to change how I view cash bars. 

Well, we can't save everyone.  We have to hope that people will understand that their plans are tacky and rude, and want to properly serve their guests. But, unfortunately, not everyone gets it.

LDubHawksFan

I married in CA and if we had chosen to do top shelf all night, it might have been about $45 or so per person.....but we did unlimited beer and wine for around $20/person. You have to consider these things when choosing a venue. Throwing up your arms later and making your guests pay for the bar is terrible hosting and just bad planning.

MuppetFan

I don't like paying $6 for a half glass of wine at a wedding so I agree that a cash bar is basically a dry wedding to me. Here though, "dry" is a very literal statement. Most cash bars make me pay for soft drinks which really drives me bonkers. I can't tell you how many times I've had to chase down a glass of water that isn't even filtered. bah.

Now I am thinking of Bonkers candy. Remember that?

banana468

Muppet, I also had the experience of having to fork over money for a diet Coke.   I almost greeted the waitress with "Are you f*cking kidding me?!" when I was told that it was $3.50. 

JoanE2012

PickleJuiceSlurper said:

You're really misinformed. a reception is about the celebration of a union. NOT about catering to your guests. 

Maybe my middle class must be lower class, because 75% of weddings ive been to has been cash or ticketed. 

It isn't being rude to guests, it's being practical. IMO. 

Actually, I think you're the one misinformed.   The reception is a "thank you" to your guests for attending the ceremony.  It's not about you.  If you don't want to cater to your guests, elope.  It's really quite simple.

MuppetFan

banana468 said:

Muppet, I also had the experience of having to fork over money for a diet Coke.   I almost greeted the waitress with "Are you f*cking kidding me?!" when I was told that it was $3.50. 

Yeah. That's normal here. It pisses me off. It's like, dude, I don't even need alcohol but please let me wash my meal down. The drinks are expensive in general. I remember as a kid my dad looking really deflated once when he got a soft drink for me, my mother, my grandparents and a mixed drink for himself and had nothing left from a $20 after he tipped the bartender.

I've only been to 2 or 3 weddings in my life that were open bar. One was this weekend. None were in New England. Most of them had a 100% cash bar, one had drink tickets, several had a cocktail hour.  I always have to come prepared.

Oh I did go to a BYOB wedding once. Not sure if that's rude, it was at a house in Maine and they did serve softdrinks.

NYCBruin

PickleJuiceSlurper said:

Muppet,  I get what your saying, having a cash bar is also not what im having, im not asking to have anyone pay for any part of my wedding but having people pay for optional alcoholic drinks at a wedding doesn't bother me and I think it a hosted bar is something they can't afford but they want to accommodate their guests better then a cash bar is better than a dry wedding, but that's if you ask me, you can ask someone else and they'll have a completely different opinion.

I was trying to tell the OP that there are plenty of other options out there, and I was also saying no matter what you do, you'll never be able to please everyone, but at the end of the day, it's your wedding so do what you want and want to be apart of your wedding. 

I do think its ridiculous that the other woman is charging her guests $75 food charge, and would decline the invite, but that is a completely different debate than having a cash bar, no one says they have to open their wallet at all unless they want a drink.

We could argue this all day, but at the end of the day, we are all going to have our own opinions and if we all gave the same advice on this board then we would all have the same wedding and no one would get a variety of opinions and advice and then the people reading these debates would be sitting bored at work. 

Does this mean I can have those awesome cupcakes I want?!  I mean, I'll just charge my guests because according to your logic they don't have to open their wallets unless they want a cupcake.  What about a raw bar, since guests wouldn't have to pay unless they wanted seafood?  What else can I charge for?  It sounds like you understand that doing either would be ridiculous and rude.

Can you please explain why you think that alcohol is different than anything else at a wedding?  Seriously, I really don't get it.  

Jen4948

niki&rob said:

PDKH said:

niki&rob said:

drink tickets are for the bartenders so that they know whos drinks we are paying for, pretty common in Canada. Don't knock it.  glad i don't live south of the border where you would rather go dry. Dry weddings are boring and Canadians would never go that route. Unless of course you had different religious beliefs. I really do not think charging your guests for their liqour is rude either, i really think that it is a major bonus if booze is free, and i would much rather spend money on food that your guests will talk about for years, the awesome DJ you had, The beautiful venue and all the little details the bride spent so much time on.  I know these are the things i remember from weddings i have been to.

Liatris2010 said:

niki&rob said:

Where i am from it is pretty typical for guests to pay for their own alcohol, whether it be $2.00 or full price @ $6.00 - $7.00.  My venue offers a whole dollar off for a host bar,  which works out to be $5.50 a drink.  Thats too expensive considering the party animals we have coming lol.  I am putting out bottles of wine one the tables and i am going to ask for a signiture drink that we would pay for, i am also going to give drink tickets to my bridal party and randomly hand them out to friends and family.

Your plan sounded lovely until the bolded. No drink tickets, and especially no buying some guests drinks and not others.

Kschaefer90 Obviously you missed the whole point of the analogy, so let me explain it more simply. You cannot, as a host, consume something in front of your guests without also making it available to them. Yes you are hosting kegs. That is fine. But it would be rude of you to sip your Grey Goose martini while your guests are drinking Natty Light. No one suggested you spend more than you can afford. Rather, host what you can afford, and don't offer your guests the option to buy something else.

Drink tickets shouldn't let the bartender know whose drinks you're paying for because you should pay for everyone's drinks. 

My sister had a dry wedding. Funny, I don't think anyone thought it was boring. 

Would you charge your guests for their forks? Every song request they made to the dj? For an additional serving?

Give it up!  Obviously not everyone can afford an open bar, i would love to, unfortunatley where my Fi is from, nobody has open bar an he is not willing to pay for it.  I have been to several weddings where i have to purchase drinks beyond the table wine,

Go back to the beginning of the thread.  Sorry, but not being able to afford an open bar does not excuse having a cash bar.  If you don't want to pay for alcohol, *don't offer it,* regardless of culture or what people expect or want or what you've experienced.  Your guests deserve not to be expected to pay for drinks.  If the only free drinks you can offer are not alcoholic, then serve those!  Stop being defensive about your desire to offer drinks that you don't want to pay for.  For the last time, IT IS RUDE!

Dreamergirl8812

It's ok, your friends and family won't think less of you for charging them for your dream wedding *head pat*

MuppetFan

@knotporscha Is my gif spam? I got an abuse point for it.

[Deleted User]

@MuppetFan Nope. It isn't showing on my end right now because of a glitch in our system, but once I can review it, it will be removed.

cofkel

I have been in 11 weddings and have been to 9 others in the last 3 years. One of them had a cash bar, and I got to not drink because I was a bridesmaid and did not even have a purse on me so no cash. It never even crossed my mind. I was pretty disappointed when my friends were all drinking (and thankfully one of the guys bought me a drink, but cash bars are NOT the normal at all where I live and not even an option at my venue. It is either all or nothing. I would prefer dry then watching people drink.

easilyunamused

I have a question for those who have cash bar/or approve of them. As a bride, will you be carrying cash on you to pay for your drinks? Or are you going talk your guests into buying your drinks for you as well?

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

Would you charge your guests $3 to eat a cupcake from your dessert table? Would you charge $15 to the guests who would prefer steak over the free chicken? No you wouldn't so why treat alcohol any differently then the rest of what you are offering to your guests? You host what you can afford. That doesn't just go for alcohol but food as well. You shouldn't offer lobster if that means guests have to pay for it. You shouldn't offer a full bar if guests have to pay for mixed drinks. If your budget allows for chicken and beer/wine that is what you offer. You shouldn't offer things to have the wedding you want only to make your guests pay for it for you.

Thank you for explaining it like this I honestly was having a hard time understanding why everyone had such a problem with offering a limited bar and cash for everything else until I read this.

ksblumb

For what it's worth, I live in the Midwest and all but 2 of the weddings I have attended have been open bar.

One of these there was beer and soft drinks at the bar and a couple small bottles of wine of each table. Which was fine until ( before dinner even started ) word started to spread that the legs were almost empty and that was all there was. People were frantically trying to get up to the bar to get some beer before it was gone. By the end of the night, the only thing there was to drink was diet sprite. OP, if you do choose to supply the alcohol yourself, please make sure that you buy enough to supply your whole guest list for the entire evening.

The other one had tickets (2 per guest). The groom would come around and give extra tickets to his buddies and the wedding party, and everyone else was trying to bum tickets off of others or off of those who didn't drink. It was just weird, all of it.

My vote would be to switch to a cheaper venue so you could properly host alcohol, or just have a dry wedding. Any sort of limited or cash bar is just rude.

mrsbizzz

ksblumb said:

For what it's worth, I live in the Midwest and all but 2 of the weddings I have attended have been open bar. One of these there was beer and soft drinks at the bar and a couple small bottles of wine of each table. Which was fine until ( before dinner even started ) word started to spread that the legs were almost empty and that was all there was. People were frantically trying to get up to the bar to get some beer before it was gone. By the end of the night, the only thing there was to drink was diet sprite. OP, if you do choose to supply the alcohol yourself, please make sure that you buy enough to supply your whole guest list for the entire evening. The other one had tickets (2 per guest). The groom would come around and give extra tickets to his buddies and the wedding party, and everyone else was trying to bum tickets off of others or off of those who didn't drink. It was just weird, all of it. My vote would be to switch to a cheaper venue so you could properly host alcohol, or just have a dry wedding. Any sort of limited or cash bar is just rude.

I agree a cash bar is rude, but a limited bar is not rude if you specify that you are hosting a limited bar. Just be clear that you are only hosting soft drinks, beer, and wine or whatever you chose.

ksblumb

drmrs2014 said:

ksblumb said:

For what it's worth, I live in the Midwest and all but 2 of the weddings I have attended have been open bar.

One of these there was beer and soft drinks at the bar and a couple small bottles of wine of each table. Which was fine until ( before dinner even started ) word started to spread that the legs were almost empty and that was all there was. People were frantically trying to get up to the bar to get some beer before it was gone. By the end of the night, the only thing there was to drink was diet sprite. OP, if you do choose to supply the alcohol yourself, please make sure that you buy enough to supply your whole guest list for the entire evening.

The other one had tickets (2 per guest). The groom would come around and give extra tickets to his buddies and the wedding party, and everyone else was trying to bum tickets off of others or off of those who didn't drink. It was just weird, all of it.

My vote would be to switch to a cheaper venue so you could properly host alcohol, or just have a dry wedding. Any sort of limited or cash bar is just rude.

I agree a cash bar is rude, but a limited bar is not rude if you specify that you are hosting a limited bar. Just be clear that you are only hosting soft drinks, beer, and wine or whatever you chose.

I agree with this entirely. I mean limited by amount/time, not by drinks. I don't care if I'm at a wedding and they are only offering lemonade and tea, but there better be enough for everyone.

SP29

Whoa, whoa... cash bars are NOT a Canadian thing.

Have I been to weddings with cash bars? Oh yes. Did I particularly like that? No. 

Host what you can afford. Just because you can't afford an open bar, doesn't mean you can't have any alcohol. 

Nicole684

do just wine and beer.

kcnolan21

So, just out of curiosty?  How does this "ticket" thing work...  Like is the Bride and Groom the holder of the tickets?  I am a guest who wants a drink, your dancing with your new husband, do I just tap you on the shoulder and ask for a ticket?  

It sounds so bizarre, I never been to a wedding with tickets.  I have been to a Dry wedding, a Cash bar wedding and Open bars.   And I will tell you, at the cash bar, I was pissed that I stocked the card with a $300 gift and then had to spend another $50-75 in drinks for me and MY GUEST.  After all, I invited him as my guest!   The dry wedding was fine, we had fun, wasn't the best wedding I was ever at, but it was within reason and we were happy to be there.  NOW, if I was at a wedding were some guest were getting tickets and some were not (I being one of the NOT)  I would polietly say "good night" and leave to the nearest bar to finish my night of drinks and dancing. 

I agree with the majority and say, host what you can afford and don't ask your guest to pay for food, drinks, dessert, etc.. 

P.S.  "I would like a piece of wedding cake" -  Sure no problem - "3.00 for one or 2 for $5.00"? 

mmkipper

I have a lot of alcoholics in my family. We are having a bar and if people want adult beverages they must pay for themselves. Im not asking them to pay they are choosing to drink something other than what is given to them. We are providing water.

 

Simply Fated

mmkipper said:

I have a lot of alcoholics in my family. We are having a bar and if people want adult beverages they must pay for themselves. Im not asking them to pay they are choosing to drink something other than what is given to them. We are providing water.

 

So, you're even charging for juices and sodas?


@kcnolan21 Usually the tickets are with the invitations. So if you forget them at home, you're SOL.
Sometimes the tickets are given out at the reception, either when the guests go in or at some point before the reception starts. Someone needs to be given this shitty job if the venue doesn't provide a person.
Drink tickets are ridiculous and they logistically don't make sense.


Anyways...
I don't see the point in cash bars or limited cash bars. Don't be a bad host, just offer what you can afford. You wouldn't charge guests in your home for a glass of wine or a mixed drink, so why would you do it at your wedding reception, of all places?

erika610

Kschaefer90 said:

It doesn't have to look tacky or bad when you don't have an open bar.  I also kind of hate when people say that people shouldn't pay for any alcohol at a wedding.  People usually say, you wouldn't invite people to a party at your house then make them pay for a drink...Well usually at most parties I go to and/or host, you bring your own alcohol so essentially, you are paying for your own drinks.  I can't think of a wedding I've been to where the bar is a completely open bar, simply because people don't have the money.  With that said, I think we're going to pay for unlimited pop and then get a few kegs (maybe some wine) for the night.  Everything else people will have to pay for.  

This. I'll be hosting an open bar for cocktail hour and it will switch to cash after. It's pretty common around here (the Boston area) to do that. At every party and family gathering I've been to, generally it's BYOB. The host will provide food and entertainment, and if you want alcohol bring what you like to drink. One party I went to that had a couple of kegs was $5 for a cup, unlimited refills. It will cost me $12/pp to have an open bar for cocktail hour, but $32/pp for a full open bar. We're talking a difference of thousands of dollars. Doing beer and wine would be a bit cheaper ($26/pp for the full event) but most of the people I know that drink will be having mixed drinks. The wine will go untouched. The wedding will be in a relatively rural area with extremely low police tolerance. They will be waiting for my guests to leave. If I gave unlimited alcohol and someone had last call on my dollar and was pulled over, I would feel awful. 

*Edit to add that cutting the guest list also is not an option. I refuse to tell our family and friends they can't come because I want to serve free drinks to those who made the cut. 

suzyk723

Having wine or champagne bottles on each table would be fine.

crunchymamaof2

Alcoholics will find a way to drink whether you provide it or not. Having a cash bar for those few people (or even many people) is just punishing all the other guests.

I'm also so sick of reading people go crazy about not having an open bar and how they can't afford it and it's not all or nothing blah blah. Not one single person on here has ever said you were a bad host/person for not having an open bar. Not being able to afford a full open bar does not equal having to have a cash bar. Either skip the alcohol all together or just offer beer and wine or some other cheaper option. It's not all or nothing.