Luxury Weddings

When people comment on the price of your wedding...

What do you do? 

I'd never bring this up around anyone who isn't directly involved with the budget and is, therefore, already in the know, but I've noticed that some people, especially those who are in no position to ever have a luxury wedding, due to finances, tend to bring it up. I'm actually trying to keep our budget a secret, because most people I know can't afford that sort of thing these days... but apparently they want to discuss it. For example, if I ask where I can find a certain type of charger (and we're not talking expensive ones, either), it's, "Oh, your wedding is going to be so expensive," and if I talk venues with another bride (we went to school together, and her wedding is also in September, but this year instead of next year), it's "Hah! We don't have the kind of money for THAT sort of venue," when all I do is say that we're looking for an airy, indoor-outdoor venue.  

It's just really awkward for me, and it's not like I can even respond, "Yes, well, we saved up," as we haven't saved up, and we don't *need* to, in order to afford a really nice wedding.

What's up with this? Are they really just making small talk, or are people saying this sort of thing for other reasons? I mean, I can't imagine the people saying these things as ever wanting to hurt me, but it's just strange that it keeps being brought up, when I'm ever-so-careful to avoid that sort of thing. 

How do I get them off-topic? 
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Re: When people comment on the price of your wedding...

  • I deal with this a lot. Sometimes people make these comments about my every day life as well, not just my wedding.
    We're buying a house that's pretty expensive and I get "wow, why do you need such a big house!? It's a lot to clean!"
    Really?...
    We even get comments about the size of our tv.
    Since we're getting married on a private island and we know the area is very expensive, we decided to pay everyone's way (including food, the resort, airfare etc.). The way we see it is if we want our family to be there... We pay. Simple as that. But we constantly get comments about why we even bother... It gets irritating. We chose it because that's where he proposed and it means a lot to us.
    I learned to not even bring anything up anymore. It sucks thati can't even talk about it without someone making a snarky remark, but I've decided to keep my money business to myself. When I get those questions I just change the subject quickly. I really don't think anyone means any ill will though. :)
  • Gotcha. As unfortunate as it is for us to deal with this sort of situation, I'm glad it's not just me! ;) I mean, I'll be blatantly honest: We are probably at the lower price point for "luxury weddings," and we still get this. It's ridiculous! 

    When I wanted a white marble floor for our apartment, I got the same "it will show dirt so easily and  you'll have to clean it every day" remark. I even got it about fingerprints on our cherry-finish doors! (Why someone would be smearing their hands all over expensive doors is beyond me, but that's beside the point.) I just took that for laziness on the commentor's part. I have the floor and the doors, and that person has had to eat her words, as the apartment now looks lovely. 

    *solidarity hug*
  • This is why I was SO glad to see a "luxury weddings" board when I started planning my second wedding. I got ripped to shreds when sharing the details of my first wedding on here. I got away with not having to deal with it the second time around because I told very few people about the wedding and there weren't any guests. Noone, not even my mom, knew any of the finer details either. (We did this on purpose- long story, but had major drama at my first wedding with family.) Anyway, I used to get really upset about it. I would get lashed for wanting a DJ instead of a band because "that's not what wealthy people do" so I must be a fraud. I posted a pic of my veil once and it showed my bed in the background. I don't keep a bed skirt on the bed because my cats rip them up, but since I don't do that, I must be lying about my wedding. When asked about my HM costs, people would just say that is outrageous and noone does that. Really? Cause I'm pretty sure I just cut a check for it! Lol anyway, something I learned from the process and in life is that people are always going to be nosy and/or envious if they think you have more. Honestly, most people only seem like they have more anyway. So, I just live my life and and planned my second wedding doing what I wanted. I saved money where I thought something didn't matter and splurged where it was important. If someone said something to me, I would just reply and say "it's really important to us so we wanted to really make it special." Everyone has a different idea of what is important and noone can judge. I don't have a terribly large home (imho), butit's just the two of us, we're not having kids, and I prefer to spend my money on travel and to save for retirement. Some people probably would even think about retirement at my age (I'm in my early 30s) but it's important to me :) i think you just have to let it all roll off of your backs and move on because anything can happen at any time and noone really had the right to complain, judge, or critisize anyone's life or choices.

     







  • Jells2dot0 YES! Exactly! People THINK I "have" more than them. This is probably the problem. -.-
  • It's thinking someone has more when it's really just priorities. I spent a freaking boat load on my first wedding, only to be divorced two years later. So, this time around, going all out on a large ornate wedding with a ton of guests was not top priority. Focusing on my relationship rather than keeping everyone happy is how we looked at things. We spent ort money on the travel rather than the actual wedding (well, some parts of it anyway!) Also, another example of priorities is that I hate clothes shopping, so I buy what I think is comfortable and what looks decent on me. Sometimes that means I carry a louis vuitton purse and sometimes I carry a free gift bag purse I got at the spa. In fact, I'm carrying that free purse right now. LOL I really wanted to splurge on certain things on my wedding and in other areas, what I wanted ended up being not so expensive.  I like to think it's "I do what I want, when I want, and what makes me happy." I'm fortunate to be able to think that way and live my life that way, but I work REALLY, REALLY hard and made certain choices. At the end of the day, I just want everyone in my life to be happy, no matter how they find their happiness and peace, but I will NOT tolerate poor, rude, ignorant behavior for no reason. I have cut people out of my life because of it.

     







  • I have to say that I'm so relieved I found this board! I can relate to all of you. I stopped talking about the trips we take, even to family, cause I get this sense that they just don't care. I'm not bragging by any means but I believe they are envious and I don't want to make someone feel that way. I even lied about the cost of my gown to not have to deal with the "why the hell would you spend so much on a dress you wear once!?" speech.
    I have 2 children from my first marriage and so the house meant a lot.. for them. We make sure my children will never need for anything and they get the experiences of traveling as well.
    Awesome to finally be around people who 'get it'! :)
  • I love you ladies so much. You all understand me, and not many people do. This is the best board on The Knot. <3
  • @lynda- you said it! I'm right there with you. I think there is a mix of people n the board and since we're all anonymous (for the most part) sometimes people forget that not everyone is 22, just out of school, or doesn't own a home. I'm still kinda young (ish) LOL, but I'm in the same boat- no loans, own a home (actually 3 right now. Arg. We're getting ready to sell one and move into the home we just purchased), max out our 401ks, and pay off my CCs each month. Then again, I'm married to someone a bit older than me and getting ready to retire in 5-10 years, so we are focused on that. Again, I think it's just people assume everyone is in the same boat, and there is nothing wrong with being young and a little broke, but not everyone is the same.

     







  • @Jells2dot0 agreed!! This will be my second wedding. My fl and I started our business from the ground up. We work our asses off and have for almost 4 years now to get where we are today. Its horrible, but it feels like I have to apologize for doing well. But if we can afford a luxury wedding... Why the hell not!
  • I had a coworker the other day ask me how much my ring was! She said if you don't mind me asking, "how much was it?"  I should have just said I don't know, but I went into a discussion about how all the diamonds were family diamonds from different relatives and I should have just said, "I don't know". People are so tacky!
  • @poodle- that is just silly! I get "how many carats is that?" And think that is just as bad. I just say I don't know, but I do since I helped set up the insurance.

    Oh, how I wish this board was around for my first!!! It sounds like a lot of your weddings are similar to my first and I would have loved to share my planning with the group!

     







  • cofkelcofkel member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    I have many of these issues. My Fiance owns his own business and does pretty well for himself, we are in our early 30's and own a large house, two new cars and are planning a pretty big wedding. Some of my "friends" spend a lot of time making rude comments about our choices and how "lucky" we are. We are not lucky! Hard work has nothing to do with luck! My fiance works 60-80 hours a week for what we have, that is not "lucky". But the upside is we have more money, so you know what I will take it. We aren't ballers running around dropping cash on stupid shit, we buy what we need and we are glad we are able.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I guess you could say our wedding was a "luxury wedding" by TK standards.  When I was planning I was constantly judged for things on here and getting unnecessary things like a dessert table, raw bar, etc.  What people don't understand is that weddings vary by location. We had a very typical Jersey wedding with all the bells and whistles but it was done on a budget- therefore I considered myself a budget bride.  I've done many battles on here with that point.  My main issue with these boards is people assume you can have a backyard wedding/ feed 200 people for $3k anywhere in the country.
     
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    @lynda- you said it! I'm right there with you. I think there is a mix of people n the board and since we're all anonymous (for the most part) sometimes people forget that not everyone is 22, just out of school, or doesn't own a home. I'm still kinda young (ish) LOL, but I'm in the same boat- no loans, own a home (actually 3 right now. Arg. We're getting ready to sell one and move into the home we just purchased), max out our 401ks, and pay off my CCs each month. Then again, I'm married to someone a bit older than me and getting ready to retire in 5-10 years, so we are focused on that. Again, I think it's just people assume everyone is in the same boat, and there is nothing wrong with being young and a little broke, but not everyone is the same.

    Yes to all of this! H and I are completely debt free. We completely own our home and cars, no student loans, contribute to retirement accounts etc. People were shocked at our honeymoon and felt the need to tell us we were being foolish this our money. Well, unless you have seen my bank accounts you have no right to comment on how I spend my money!

    I will take it one step farther, H and I are beginning to think about starting a family. And I am considering not working after our first child. Everyone feels that they have the right to comment on that. I wouldnt quit if I wasnt completely sure that we would be more than financially stable on one income.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I agree it's no one's business how much you spend on your wedding. We pulled off a beautiful (probably not considered luxary wedding thought) for a lot less then what people would think. We got lucky with timing and pricing of items and several things were gifted to us due to contacts we have. But it was a beautiful event. If you are a guest, just enjoy the things people spent money on to make it a event.

  • KatWAG said: 

    Yes to all of this! H and I are completely debt free. We completely own our home and cars, no student loans, contribute to retirement accounts etc. People were shocked at our honeymoon and felt the need to tell us we were being foolish this our money. Well, unless you have seen my bank accounts you have no right to comment on how I spend my money!

    I will take it one step farther, H and I are beginning to think about starting a family. And I am considering not working after our first child. Everyone feels that they have the right to comment on that. I wouldnt quit if I wasnt completely sure that we would be more than financially stable on one income.

    I don't understand that at all. We're not having kids, but most of my friends who did have kids decided to be stay at home moms. To me, it's pretty darn normal!  My mom did the same for me until my parents got divorced. Yes, they probably do without some things and they live in high cost areas, but good for them if they can make it work. I know that if I was a mom, I would want to be home with them and we'd plan accordingly with our finances to make that work.

    FWIW on the honeymoon- I spent more on my first HM (and even more on my second) than most people on TK spend on their weddings. Even though the marriage didn't work out, I still would not do it any differently. It was worth every penny and will continue to look back at that trip fondly. So, again, different people, different priorities. And to that end, I need to get ready to head to the beach since I'm currently on vacation ;)

     







  • We did too Jells.  Not that I think one has to have an expensive HM.   I don't regret our HM at all.  We are trying to find ways to go back to Ulusaba.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I really haven't had anyone comment on the cost of my wedding IRL. I do try to downplay it though. I was excited to find this board because like PPs have said, the boards seem to favor budget weddings. My wedding is in a month. I wish I could have found this board sooner so I could have used it for planning help.
  • It's always good to save money. Heck, I try to use coupons where it makes sense. But, isometimes, it's worth splurging I don't agree with some of the splurges I did for my first wedding, but at the end of the day, it's up to the couple and the couple alone. It would have been very nice to be able to share ideas when I planned my wedding,

     







  • W
    What's up with this? Are they really just making small talk, or are people saying this sort of thing for other reasons? I mean, I can't imagine the people saying these things as ever wanting to hurt me, but it's just strange that it keeps being brought up, when I'm ever-so-careful to avoid that sort of thing. 

    How do I get them off-topic? 
    I think people want to hear something like "we got it at a discount" or "we are having it there, but in some small room that's really for business meetings." 
  • W
    What's up with this? Are they really just making small talk, or are people saying this sort of thing for other reasons? I mean, I can't imagine the people saying these things as ever wanting to hurt me, but it's just strange that it keeps being brought up, when I'm ever-so-careful to avoid that sort of thing. 

    How do I get them off-topic? 
    I think people want to hear something like "we got it at a discount" or "we are having it there, but in some small room that's really for business meetings." 
    But... why should we lie? x-P 

    Besides, it's none of their dang business! Either come to the wedding and just eat the dang food, or... well, you weren't invited for a reason!! xD 

    Kinda cool how long this thread got. I'm impressed. :-P
  • @Rachel-Elise, I'm not saying to lie. I'm just saying I think they ask it because they are hoping to hear that. Some people thrive on coming up on top when comparing themselves to others, and this is hard for that type of person to rationalize. So, they are hoping to be able to console themselves by saying, "She may be having a wedding at [insert fabulous private island location], but it's only because she cleans the bathrooms there on weekends." KWIM?
  • At the end of the day, I still don't get why anyone has to ask for $$ figures or give $$ figures for anything. It's different if someone on TK is asking "I want to go to X for my HM, how much did you spend if you went?" That person is trying to legitimately plan for something. However, if someone attending the wedding or family asks just because they are nosy, I think that is tacky. I very much keep things like that to myself about everything in my life except if I'm on here and someone asks something very wedding specific. I am also a very low key person, though. I've got nothing to prove as I am very content with my life and what I have. I think AndreaJulia was right- some people just thrive trying to out do everyone in their life. I think that it's also a sign of immaturity. I agree with just trying to change the subject or even just telling a white lie, depending on the subject/person.

     







  • @Rachel-Elise, I'm not saying to lie. I'm just saying I think they ask it because they are hoping to hear that. Some people thrive on coming up on top when comparing themselves to others, and this is hard for that type of person to rationalize. So, they are hoping to be able to console themselves by saying, "She may be having a wedding at [insert fabulous private island location], but it's only because she cleans the bathrooms there on weekends." KWIM?
    Well, I was teasing. ;) I do know what you mean; unfortunately, I know a LOOOT of people like that. It's quite asinine.
  • @AndreaJulia, hey... I'm having my wedding on a private island and I never cleaned their bathrooms! ;) I have 2 kids (boys) so I've cleaned my fair share of toilets but not the resort! Lol
    @Rachel-Elise, I agree, it is no one's business but I as well know many people who ask and think it's ok to do. It's beyond me why anyone would think that's polite in any way. Just change the subject and move on :)

    We keep our finances private but people do get curious.. It's human nature... But keep it to yourself!
  • I got married on a private island as well, but it would be way too hard for me to clean those Australian toilets from Arizona! Lol ;) Too funny! Though I wouldn't mind cleaning their toilets to be able to live in paradise! :)

     







  • I've only ever cleaned my parents'/grandpa's/own toilets... but ya know, I'm very un-glamourous in other ways, as I'm a dancer (NOT "that" kind, lol!), and it's not all glitter and stages! x-P 
  • @Rachel-Elise, I'm not saying to lie. I'm just saying I think they ask it because they are hoping to hear that. Some people thrive on coming up on top when comparing themselves to others, and this is hard for that type of person to rationalize. So, they are hoping to be able to console themselves by saying, "She may be having a wedding at [insert fabulous private island location], but it's only because she cleans the bathrooms there on weekends." KWIM?
    We did all the new plumbing at our venue. That's like cleaning the bathrooms kind of. LOL Too bad we still didn't get a discount. I think they might have even charged us more to make up for how much they had to pay us for plumbing.
    image
  • @Rachel-Elise, I'm not saying to lie. I'm just saying I think they ask it because they are hoping to hear that. Some people thrive on coming up on top when comparing themselves to others, and this is hard for that type of person to rationalize. So, they are hoping to be able to console themselves by saying, "She may be having a wedding at [insert fabulous private island location], but it's only because she cleans the bathrooms there on weekends." KWIM?
    We did all the new plumbing at our venue. That's like cleaning the bathrooms kind of. LOL Too bad we still didn't get a discount. I think they might have even charged us more to make up for how much they had to pay us for plumbing.
    Oh no! :-P 
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