Catholic Wedding & Groom's Step-Father

biancanicole41

My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship and have been for nearly four years, and would like to get married in a couple years once we have completed college and have stable jobs. I am Catholic and am expected to get married within the Church. He is not, and his parents are divorced with his mother remarried. His father and mother have a good relationship. However, we want to keep the integrity and tradition of marriage within our wedding, especially from my family members. We are concerned about how to handle this within the ceremony, reception, and invitations. Our thoughts are these:

For the invitations have his parents line say " Mrs. X and Mr. Y, and Mr. X the parents and step-father of (son).."

Have his step-father not be apart of the parents walking down the aisle and just have him sitting in the front row, with the biological father walking his ex-wife down the aisle. We would also have his mom sit in between her current husband and ex-husband. 

For the reception, his father would again escort his mother in, with his step-father walking directly behind them.

My grandmothers are uncomfortable with his step-father being included in any part of the wedding. They were both married to my grandfathers for years before they both passed on, and are very devout Catholics. My parents have also been married for years Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? 

aurianna

Invites:
You only need to put the people hosting on the invites. So unless his parents are hosting you can avoid them on there completely. Or you could do the "together with their families" instead of listing them by name.
If you DO list them by name, I don't think you'd do that second and. You never link divorced couples with an and.

Mrs. Biological Mom and Mr. Step Father
Mr. Biological Dad

Though again, if they aren't hosting you don't need them on their at all.

As far as the ceremony goes... I don't know... His mother has a new husband and I'm guessing she'd rather be escorted down the aisle by him. I'd check with her first.

His dad could escort your mom or one of the grandmothers.

I think it's great that everyone in your family has been married so long. But your FMIL has a different husband and I know if it were me, I'd be hurt if my husband couldn't walk me down the aisle because someone's grandparents were judging me and my divorce.

Seriously just my opinion though. I don't know what tradition actually dictates.

ETA:
Ah. I forgot this was a few years down the road. I'd worry about this more in a few years. But make sure to take in your boyfriend's input (especially if he's close to his stepparent(s)), your FMIL's, and mention your concerns to the priest. They'll all have good guidance.

Jen4948

I think your family needs to get over it.  Regardless of how devout they are, they need to accept that not everyone lives their lives the same way they did.

Stepparents can be just as big a part of their stepkids' lives as their biological parents, and the stepkids have no control over the marriages and divorces of their parents.

It's really not up to your family how your FI's stepfather participates.

Simply Fated

I think you have a few years to accept that his family is different from your family. Not worse different, just different.
His mother should be escorted by her current SO, not former. Downplaying their divorce could potentially make them uncomfortable.
If your parents or grandparents judge his family, that's their problem and you should support your husband.

loca4pook

First of all, SLOW DOWN. You aren't engaged yet so you are worrying about this now, I can't imagine how stressed you will be when you actually plan the wedding.

 

Second of all, I agree with others. You need to support your BF's family and not belittle them

 

I once had a boyfriend tell me he didn't "approve" that my parents were divorced..WTF? ummmm.. My response was "umm..Okay, I will tell them to get remarried for you" then we quickly broke up....as clearly, he wasn't accepting of the family I came from...not to mention, it was ridiculous as I had ZERO to do with my parents decision to get a divorce..LOL.....

 

(moral of story---accept your boyfriend's family situation or your story might end like mine)

 

 

tiny speck

Why are you worrying about this now before you're even engaged?

Weezy56

If you were engaged and planning a wedding my advice would be:

You need to ignore your grandparents' ridiculous judgements on your boyfriends family. Having his father walk his mother down the aisle is rude and insulting. His parents' divorce is not your family's business. My parents are not divorced, but if my H had ever tried to pull this on me during wedding planning we would have had some serious issues.

arendiva

I don't see how having a divorced couple walk down the aisle together is more respectful of the sanctity of marriage than having a married couple walk down the aisle together. Let your FMIL walk with her husband.

southernbelle0915

It's very fun to be excited about the possibility of getting engaged. However, it sounds like you're letting it consume you by planning things before he's even proposed. That puts a TON of pressure on guys - many have a deer-in-the-headlights look anyway when you're actually engaged and starting to talk wedding. For the poor man's sake, please stop planning details of your wedding with him. He's probably terrified. Slow down and just enjoy dating. Finish college. You both will be so much happier just enjoying your time together.

If/When you do get engaged, I would refrain from making this all about you and pleasing your family (leaving out your FI or his family). Weddings/Relationships are all about compromise. If he's willing to get married in your church (it's probably going to mean he'll have to jump through A LOT of hoops to even get married there) because it means a lot to you, you should thank him. It's about the bringing together of two families - not about his family putting on a show and abandoning their beliefs to please yours. I would try to keep that in mind and not get "caught up" if/when you do plan a wedding.

biancanicole41

Thank you all for your advice. 

Unfortunately, my boyfriend agrees with my family. He is traditional like my family and has always said that he will marry for life. All three of his parents have been placed in the same position before with the weddings of his two siblings and four step-siblings (his step-father's ex-wife is remarried as well). The Catholic church does not recognize divorce, and definitely does not recognize divorce when one of them is remarried. So unfortunately, even if we planned for his step-father and mother to walk down the aisle, the Father of my Church would not allow the step-father to participate. Even if it wasn't the religious aspect, it is the cultural as I am Hispanic and he is white. This has been a point of contention since we became serious about getting married, so his family is aware that he agrees with me. We accept his mother's choice to re-marry, and they are fine with us getting married in the Church, but since we're having a traditional ceremony, we plan on having a non-traditional (traditional for his family, not for mine) reception. The Catholic Church does allow one of the spouses to not be Catholic as long as one of them is Catholic, so there is no problem there. There have been quite a few arguments recently, and his mother and step-father have threatened to kick him out, while his father is supportive of our decision as he was raised Catholic. After all, my boyfriend is the one who brought this up to me a year ago when we started getting serious because he does not want his father to be left out and does not wish to have him 'replaced' as he feels his mom has tried to do for the past thirteen years, with contact with his father being less and less until he turned 18. He is really the one being the most judgmental, not my grandmothers. My grandmothers may not approve, but they aren't constantly voicing their opinion like my boyfriend is. I graduate from college in December, he graduates next May, so we don't have long to go until we're done with school. 

As far as the planning ahead when not even engaged yet, we plan to get engaged very soon. We've started to pick out rings, and due to the economy, our families are trying to anticipate any and all costs and have started to save money.

Jen4948

I'd let him worry about this then.

OliveOilsMom

Your second post raised some questions in my mind:

1.) If your FI was raised Catholic, was he also baptized?  If so, he is Catholic.

2.) I have attended a wedding in a Catholic Church where the parents of the Groom, while both previously divorced and re-married (groom was product of current marriage), were allowed to walk in together.  Do you belong to a seriously conservative parish?  I don't think FI's mom & step-dad should have any issues walking in together, especially since they are not Catholic themselves.  You should not disrespect FI's mom & SD's current relationship, by making it seem like his bio parents are still together.  If you don't want them walking together, may I suggest that you have an Usher escort MOG in, with her husband walking behind them. This is very common.

MairePoppy

@biancanicole41 Have you actually discussed this with the priest? I have never heard of a priest refusing to allow a divorced parent to be escorted down the aisle by his/her present spouse. The divorced and remarried parent won't be allowed to receive communion, that is the church's official response to the situation. Assuming FOG is not remarried, he will be allowed to receive the sacrament. MOG, who is remarried, will not be allowed. **ETA: Reading fail for me. I just noticed that your FILs aren't Catholic. Neither of them will be allowed to receive communion in the Catholic Church. 

If fi wants to include his father, he could ask him to be best man or have him escort him to the altar, the same way you would have your father escort you. The mothers aren't actually part of the processional; they are seated immediately before the processional starts. Let them choose their escorts, even if the MOG chooses her husband. 

You could also post this on the Catholic Wedding board. It would be interesting to get their opinions on this situation. Here's the link: http://forums.theknot.com/categories/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings

On invitations, use only the hosts names or the "together with their families."

At reception and during ceremony, everyone should be seated with their spouses. If you would like to introduce the parents, have the MOC announce them from their tables before the wedding party is introduced. Each parent can stand and wave as their names are called.

biancanicole41

I didn't know there was a Catholic wedding board! Thank you! Yes, his father was baptized, but has since strayed from the religion due to personal convictions. I didn't think of the attendant idea, thank you. 

My parish is actually becoming a little radical in my mind, and my mom herself, who has known the Father for a long time, says that she doubts he would allow for his step-father to participate in the ceremony. 

Simply Fated

scribe95 said:

Just to be clear, escorting his wife to her chair is not "participating in the ceremony."

I was curious about this, actually. I'm not sure if escorting in the Catholic tradition means something more than just walking next to a person.
If it's just walking next to a person, that's not participating in the ceremony, really, and I can't see why any religious leader would care about that. I mean, it's just walking. If it was a random usher escorting the mother, would people care that she and the usher aren't married in the church's eyes?

aurianna

During my wedding in a Catholic church, performed by a Catholic priest, my step-mother was escorted down the aisle as part of the processional.
My mother was escorted by her fiance.

This was not even a question. My priest never said that step parents could not participate.

Are you just assuming your priest won't let this happen or have you actually spoken with him over it?

Also, if they aren't Catholic, then I'm assuming that his parents weren't married during a Catholic Sacrament. Shouldn't that make a difference?

Also... the processional isn't even part of the mass. So I don't get why it matters if they are divorced or not.

I'm skeptical here.

But if it's true that the priest really won't marry you if your FMIL walks down the aisle with her husband (or let your FFIL walk down the aisle with his wife if he remarries), then I wonder if this type of talk is appropriate:

Your Fiance: Mom, getting married in the Catholic church is very important to Bianca and me. We want to honor you and your husband in the programs and the processional during the ceremony. However the Church rules are strict. In their eyes you are still married to Dad and can't walk down the aisle with your actual husband. We realize it would be awful of us to want you to process down the aisle, honoring our marriage, when in turn we are not honoring yours. So if you are comfortable with it, we will pay for your annulment to Dad so that the church no longer views you as married, so that you can be escorted by your husband. We are so sorry for the inconvenience. Please let us know what you'd prefer and what would make you the most comfortable.

Something like that. Though maybe even suggesting an annulment steps over a huge line. Other ladies here should input on that...

Xstatic3333

Hmmm, my understanding, which mostly comes from TK, is that paying isn't enough for an annulment, there have to be other special circumstances related to the original marriage.

OP, I hope that when the time comes your priest will allow your FI's mom and SF to walk together. I think suggesting otherwise could be hurtful to them. Good luck.

Kate61487

I have never heard of a Catholic Church giving any opinion on who walks who down the aisle.  Aside from H and I having to prove we were baptized, confirmed, never married, and active members of a church no one else in our wedding party was questioned on their religious or relationship standing.  And I thought my church was pretty conservative on the spectrum....

 

I suppose when the time comes you'll need to ask your priest, but I honestly would be tempted to not even mention it.  They have absolutely no business caring about the marital status of anyone but you and your BF.  You could also always have your BF walk in with both parents.  Both my parents escorted my brother in for his wedding; they're still together but even if they weren't they're his parents.  his step-dad could be seated like any other guest.

tammym1001

I think you need to wait until you talk to the Priest. My FI and I are getting married in the Catholic church and he's divorced. Obviously he will be participating in the ceremony as he's the groom. Your Mom may be going by rules that are no longer observed in the Catholic church so I would check for sure.

As for the walking down the aisle, if the church truly won't allow the new husband to walk the MOG down the aisle please, please, please DO NOT have her ex-husband escort her down the aisle. They aren't married anymore and this is disrespectful to them and her new husband. I would have an usher escort her in this case and just have her husband sitting in the pew and she can come down and sit next to him.

aurianna

As for the walking down the aisle, if the church truly won't allow the new husband to walk the MOG down the aisle please, please, please DO NOT have her ex-husband escort her down the aisle. They aren't married anymore and this is disrespectful to them and her new husband. I would have an usher escort her in this case and just have her husband sitting in the pew and she can come down and sit next to him.

Agreed.

(And yes I know more goes into annulment than paying for it. tammym1001 can probably shed light onto that as I assume her FI will need one).


You have time. Don't get yourself or the families spun up over this anymore. Wait until you're engaged, then have a long talk with your priest. I'm guessing it will work out.

tammym1001

There is more to an annulment; however, if the parents weren't married in the Catholic church then they can't have it annulled in the Catholic church. I'm assuming if the Mom is remarried and her first marriage wasn't already annulled then this may be the case. Of course, there's a whole list of criteria for different circumstances, but my opinioin is asking a divorced couple to go through the annullment process so they can walk down the aisle at their child's wedding seems ridiculous.

MairePoppy

@aurianna  - One doesn't pay for an annulment. It's a long, tedious procedure that requires a lot of soul searching. When my husband had his previous marriage annulled, he and his ex had to answer many personal questions, get witness statements and documents. The priest assigned to his case presented that information to the marriage tribunal, who then made a decision. There has to be a reason beyond wanting to present your husband formally at someone else's wedding.There is no guarantee that the annulment will be granted and our diocese doesn't accept payment for the process. They do, however, send a letter suggesting a donation would be greatly appreciated - after all is said and done. 

aurianna

Oh I do not disagree that it's completely ridiculous to ask an ex-couple to get an annulment to walk down the aisle at a wedding.
I just meant that IF the Church's rule was firm on this, and IF FMIL wanted to walk with her husband at her son's wedding, then annulment would be the only option.

But I agree with PP that I'm guessing there are other ways around this. I don't see this really being an issue and time will tell in the future after actual discussions with the priest.

As to the annulment process, thanks for the deets. But I'm wondering if it's different depending on the parish/situation? My Dad managed to get his 16-year marriage to my mother annulled 10 years after their divorce without her having to go anywhere or do anything (except maybe sign something). The grounds? "He didn't feel truly married in his heart when they wed." So I guess that trivialized my view of the process. Apparently that's not always the case.

loca4pook

biancanicole41 said:

Thank you all for your advice. 

Unfortunately, my boyfriend agrees with my family. He is traditional like my family and has always said that he will marry for life. All three of his parents have been placed in the same position before with the weddings of his two siblings and four step-siblings (his step-father's ex-wife is remarried as well). The Catholic church does not recognize divorce, and definitely does not recognize divorce when one of them is remarried. So unfortunately, even if we planned for his step-father and mother to walk down the aisle, the Father of my Church would not allow the step-father to participate. Even if it wasn't the religious aspect, it is the cultural as I am Hispanic and he is white. This has been a point of contention since we became serious about getting married, so his family is aware that he agrees with me. We accept his mother's choice to re-marry, and they are fine with us getting married in the Church, but since we're having a traditional ceremony, we plan on having a non-traditional (traditional for his family, not for mine) reception. The Catholic Church does allow one of the spouses to not be Catholic as long as one of them is Catholic, so there is no problem there. There have been quite a few arguments recently, and his mother and step-father have threatened to kick him out, while his father is supportive of our decision as he was raised Catholic. After all, my boyfriend is the one who brought this up to me a year ago when we started getting serious because he does not want his father to be left out and does not wish to have him 'replaced' as he feels his mom has tried to do for the past thirteen years, with contact with his father being less and less until he turned 18. He is really the one being the most judgmental, not my grandmothers. My grandmothers may not approve, but they aren't constantly voicing their opinion like my boyfriend is. I graduate from college in December, he graduates next May, so we don't have long to go until we're done with school. 

As far as the planning ahead when not even engaged yet, we plan to get engaged very soon. We've started to pick out rings, and due to the economy, our families are trying to anticipate any and all costs and have started to save money.

NOT true. My family is in the same boat and I am getting married in the next few weeks and my stepdad is walking my mom down the aisle..

MairePoppy

aurianna - no, it's the same in our diocese. If one party doesn't want to participate, the investigation goes on without any input from him/her. 

LAM524

 I was christened and raised Catholic. 5 years ago, I was baptized Christian. IMHO, Catholic churches are about rules. Christian churches are about heart. I respect both...To each his own. But boy, isnt heart what its all about....not rules! Where is grace in this Catholic Church? Arent we suppose to be Godly? Arent we commanded to love one another?

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I dont want to start a debate on religion, I know there are scripture about rules also. I also dont want to seem like a "holy roller" either. I am not. There are posters here giving testimonials that they got married in a Catholic Church regardless of having divorce in their lives/families. No punishments were suffered for making choices in their lives that Im sure were extremely painful and believed to be absolutely necessary. Nobody is perfect. The perfect one died on the cross for our sins. Doesnt that say something about the "sin" of divorce!

Maybe you should consider another Catholic church.

MairePoppy

@LAM2228 - Catholics are Christians.

LAM524

@MariePoppy...exactly...just with different rules and beliefs/obedience in those rules.

LAM524

@MariePoppy...I guess this is where "all Catholics are Christians but all Christians arent Catholic" comes in.

lalaith50

@LAM2228 - since you're quoting scripture... 

So you were "christened" Catholic... I assume that means you were "baptized" Catholic, since Catholics do not have a ceremony of "christening" except for baptism, but then you were "baptized?"

ok, what do you say about Ephesians 4:5 - "there is one Lord, ONE baptism..." ?

LAM524

@lalaith50...Yes, I was christened Catholic meaning baptized. I am aware that scripture does not mention christening. I personally tend to use "Christened" when Im speaking about Catholicism because of the ceremonial differences but I do realize they both remove types of sins. With Christening there is sprinkling of water and a name given but with baptism an adult immerses in water in a commitment to Christ. Interestingly, my original baptism certificate says 'Christened on" such and such date.

Regarding your question about Eph. 4:5...There is a difference between being baptized as baby vs getting baptized as an adult. As babies, we receive cleansing thru baptism by the choice of our caregivers (another Catholic ceremonial difference) so to "erase" generational sin. To be baptized as an adult, we take action  to repent from our natural sin. Its basically a personal, conscious decision about having a personal relationship with Jesus. Calling on Jesus for forgiveness (something we cant do as babies)  Hence, "born again"...dying to your old self and becoming new in accepting Jesus as our Savior in a personal way. We cant personally accept Jesus as babies.

Ephesians 4:5... "There is one Lord, one baptism." So it is written.  If I take into consideration that unless we are "born again" we will not enter into His kingdom, then I believe there is a need for adult baptism. I believe this is the one baptism. Jesus, as an adult, was baptized. We are suppose to follow His example.

So, I had 2 baptisms. One for cleansing of original sin and one for cleansing of natural sin. Im good with that!