The Not-So-Evil Stepmother

kes166

My fiancé's family is a bit troubled. His parents had a messy divorce a few years ago, and his father recently remarried. His new wife is a very nice woman, but because of the unpleasant relations between everyone (his dad is kind of on the outs for many reasons), my fiancé and his family really do not like her (and no, his dad did not cheat on his mom with this woman - or any other, to my knowledge). I told my fiancé that we could handle the situation however he would like to concerning the guest list for the wedding, since this issue is far more sensitive for him and his family than it is for me, and he has decided to invite his stepmother but not her children. We have not told her or his dad this yet (and I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous about how they're going to take this news), but it is his decision and since he is my fiancé, I'm going to stand by him on it. 

My newest worry with this issue is the guest list for my bridal shower (which, it should be noted, isn't going to actually happen for several months - I tend to worry about things WAY in advance, haha). My sister (the maid-of-honor) is planning it, but I will be letting her know who to invite from his family and from my group of friends. Obviously, my fiancé's mother and sister will be invited... but I'm not sure if I should invite his stepmother and stepsister. He's not close with either of them and I've only met each of them a few times over the 4+ years that he and I have been together. At the same time, regardless of how everyone gets along, after June 20, 2014, she is going to be a part of my family, and honestly, she's a very lovely lady. She'll be a grandmother to my future children and I would like to get along with her. I think that inviting her to the bridal shower would be a good way to make her and her daughter feel included. At the same time, I do not want to make my fiancé's mother and sister feel uncomfortable, and having his stepmom and stepsister there definitely will. I understand why there is so much animosity towards his dad and his wife, but since I wasn't dating my fiancé when his parents divorced, I do not have harsh feelings towards them like everyone else does. I'm in the incredibly awkward situation of offending my fiancé's mom and siblings or offending his dad and stepmom - I can't see a way to make this situation comfortable for everyone. 

I could really use some help with this! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

aurianna

Well I definitely would not invite his step sister to the shower if she isn't invited to the wedding. You can't invite anyone to a gift-giving event and then not invite them to the actual wedding.

I also wouldn't "break the news" that you aren't inviting her children anytime soon. You might change your mind over time. (also, if he and his wife are contributing to the wedding at all, I'd really reconsider this...)

The next bit of advice won't be that helpful... but as the shower probably won't be for nearly another year, I'd just wait. See how your relationship with them evolves.

Simply Fated

Don't invite the stepsister if she isn't being invited to the wedding. I promise you, it won't make her feel included, it'll just be salt in the wounds.

As for the stepmom, it's your shower, but his stepmom. Talk to him about it.
She can always sit at separate tables from his mom at the shower, if that helps.

Jen4948

Maybe your best course of action before is to make friends with his stepmother and stepsister in situations that don't involve his other family members.  For example, you could shop with them, have a special lunch or dinner with them that don't include the other relatives, or something like that.

As the honoree, you really shouldn't host your own shower.  Let someone else do that.  You could put all names on the guest list you give the hostess, but if you're worried about making your FMIL and FSIL uncomfortable by having the step-relatives there, maybe just have two events with different people there (again, someone else would need to host it) so that his biological relatives are not together with the steps.

kes166

Thanks so much for the advice! I definitely will be waiting to send out the invitations, haha, I just am a huge worry wart, was stressing tonight about this for some reason, and was like, "I know! I will ask people on The Knot!" so I will definitely keep thinking about this and won't make a concrete decision until sometime after Christmas or so. But if things continue as they have been, his stepsister will not be invited and I will talk to him about his stepmom  

Thanks again so much for your help, both of you!  

kes166

@Jen4948 - that's a good idea, I'll definitely think about it! And I'm actually not hosting my shower, my sister (the maid of honor) is, as stated in my original post I'm just helping her with the guest list. Thanks for the advice!

Jen4948

Happy to be of help.  Best wishes!

misssunshine17

You're having a shower in a few months and you're not getting married until June 2014??

Jen4948

misssunshine17 said:

You're having a shower in a few months and you're not getting married until June 2014??

A shower can take place at any time during an engagement.  I don't think there's a time frame on showers the way there is with picking attendants or sending invitations or save-the-dates.

musicalcanadianbride

My shower happened well before my wedding invitations went out and the earth did not come to a shuddering halt. The shower will happen when whichever generous person who decides to host it decides to have it. 

misssunshine17

I don't think it has to be after invites go out, but a year out is a bit much. 

kerbohl

There are always exceptions to the rule for when the shower happens.  I'm getting married a month after Christmas, so the month of December is out.  So my shower, should someone be so kind to throw it for me, will probably be at least two months before my wedding, most likely three months at the latest.   

artbyallie

kerbohl said:

There are always exceptions to the rule for when the shower happens.  I'm getting married a month after Christmas, so the month of December is out.  So my shower, should someone be so kind to throw it for me, will probably be at least two months before my wedding, most likely three months at the latest.   

Which is not the same as nine months before.

misssunshine17

I'm with Allie. I would roll my eyes at a shower more than 5-6 months in advance. 

Jen4948

RetreadBride said:

A shower can take place at any time during an engagement.  I don't think there's a time frame on showers the way there is with picking attendants or sending invitations or save-the-dates.

No, showers happen closer to the wedding, to ensure that no non-wedding guest is invited to the shower.  Circumstances can change, and may affect the guest list.  Registries can also change because items are discontinued. 

Traditionally, showers are held in the final 6-8 weeks before the wedding, after the invitations have gone out.  It's become more acceptable to host them within the "last trimester" before the wedding, or a few months earlier, if there are schedule conflicts.  Six months or a year in advance is much too early.

It's pointless.  The bride can't use the items until after the wedding anyway.

Showers take place whenever someone chooses to give the bride one-at whatever stage of the engagement that might be.

Jen4948

Sleeper2013 said:

RetreadBride said:

A shower can take place at any time during an engagement.  I don't think there's a time frame on showers the way there is with picking attendants or sending invitations or save-the-dates.

No, showers happen closer to the wedding, to ensure that no non-wedding guest is invited to the shower.  Circumstances can change, and may affect the guest list.  Registries can also change because items are discontinued. 

Traditionally, showers are held in the final 6-8 weeks before the wedding, after the invitations have gone out.  It's become more acceptable to host them within the "last trimester" before the wedding, or a few months earlier, if there are schedule conflicts.  Six months or a year in advance is much too early.

It's pointless.  The bride can't use the items until after the wedding anyway.

Showers take place whenever someone chooses to give the bride one-at whatever stage of the engagement that might be.

They can but its not proper etiquette, per Emily Post.

Emily Post sucks for etiquette-she and the Posts of today got a lot of things wrong.  It's really not gracious for a bride to turn down a shower because it's not close enough to the wedding date.

Simply Fated

The bride can have a say in the date. If she feels it's too far out from the wedding, she can speak up and request a date closer to the wedding.

Jen4948

Unless it's a "surprise" shower.

kes166

Wow, I really was not expecting all of these replies!! Haha, thank you for all of your input, ladies. I'm not sure exactly when the shower will be;  my sister is hosting it. From what she's said, it will not be until either right after Christmas or March, due to the fact that she is in college and we'll need to work with her schedule. It honestly doesn't matter to me when it is, as I'm grateful to have a shower period! If it ends up being several months before the wedding, yes, that is a bit unorthodox, but it doesn't change the fact that it's extremely kind of her to throw one for me, as well as for people to come. So I feel that the fact that it could potentially be months before the wedding is irrelevant.

A huge thank you to @StageManager14 for your input, especially! I was really hoping that someone who might be in my fiancé's position would respond to this. I have a completely different family situation than he does - my parents have been happily married for 25 years and I have never seen them fight, ever. So learning how to handle his family situation has definitely been challenging for me, because no one in my family has ever been divorced and I'm honestly at a complete loss as to how to handle things. So thank you so much for your advice! 

Simply Fated

Sleeper2013 said:

Jen4948 said:

Unless it's a "surprise" shower.

Do those actually happen? And if so, how do the hosts get the guest list? What if a couple is still undecided about who to invite or even how many they are able and can afford to host? A shower so far out gives them less flexibility on changes that may need to be made and cuts to the guest list. And that's just plain not smart.

Those happen.

The MOH or who ever offers to throw it, but doesn't say exactly when it'll be. This way a guest list can be given and a time frame can be discussed.
Just surprising the bride a year before is bad form on the hosts' part.

Jen4948

Sleeper2013 said:

Unless it's a "surprise" shower.

Do those actually happen? And if so, how do the hosts get the guest list? What if a couple is still undecided about who to invite or even how many they are able and can afford to host? A shower so far out gives them less flexibility on changes that may need to be made and cuts to the guest list. And that's just plain not smart.

Yes, they do happen.  The hosts choose to give a shower and get guest lists from the MOB or her sister or someone very close to her who can get their hands on it.  It's up to them to decide all the logistics, including how many people get invited and everything else.

It may not be smart, but if planning the shower isn't up to the bride but the hosts, it's really their prerogative and not hers to pick the date.

LAM524

I think your heart is in a great place for wanting to respect the family dynamics, standing by your FI in his decision and respecting your FSMIL's role as a grandparent.

 Please dont take this rudely, but I really don't see the step sister as part of this equation, with the exception that she is the daughter. If you have only met her a few times over the years, it doesnt seem that she is or will be an active part of yours and yours FI's family unit. To include her in anything, just for the sake of making her feel included, is not worth the stress to you or your FI's family.

However, I would approach the step mother issue because she will be the step grand parent and Im assuming an active grandparent. Honestly, if the people in question (his mom & sis) don't expect her to be included, its ridiculous! She is his fathers wife and whether they (father & fam) are on the "outs" or not she should be respected as such. Besides, "outs" dont USUALLY last forever unless insult is added to injury. Not including her could add to the injury! If they are uncomfortable in this innocent woman's presence then that is on them. They need to grow up and play nice!

Choose your battles on this with your FI, but I feel step "grandparent" is a great point to "battle" at the appropriate time....closer to the shower date.

Just curious, as of right now, will his father even be invited to the wedding? If so, then will his wife not be included because mom and sis will be there? Childrens bday parties? Graduations? Any special anythings? Like lots of knotties point out, a wedding is just one day...they are going to have to share the same space at some point!!

kes166

@Lam2228 - thanks for your kind words! I'm definitely trying to follow my FI's lead on this one. I wasn't really sure how to handle the shower as he will not be attending. Thanks for your input as to how to deal with the stepsister - I wasn't really sure what to do with her. To be honest, my FI and I don't even know her name, I met her in passing one time, and he never talks with his stepmother's kids. 

Honestly, I agree with you - it IS ridiculous that they don't want to include his stepmom. Actually, there was a bit of a tiff about that already: his mom didn't want her to even be invited to the wedding. But my FI put his foot down. While he is much, much closer with his mom than his dad, he is one of the only people in his family who are on semi-decent terms with his dad and he is making an effort to improve their relationship. Not inviting his stepmother to the wedding would have definitely been backtracking, and his dad wouldn't even go if we didn't invite her. So yes, his dad will definitely be at the wedding - it's really important to my FI that he is there. We're still trying to figure out if his step-mom will be honored in the same way that his mom will be (for example -- will she be getting a corsage? Will she be escorted into the church with the same type of ceremony and prestige that his mom will be?). If it were solely up to me, I would say yes, because one of my grandmothers is technically a step-grandmother (my dad's mom passed away and my grandpa has since remarried) and she has played a very prominent role in MY life, so I want to honor her like I would my grandma on my mom's side... but if his step-mom isn't, then would my step-grandma be? 

It's all just very complicated, haha. I wish everyone could just get along!  

kes166

@NYUgirl100 - actually, even though we don't have kids, my fiancé and I have already discussed this point. Because we intend to try to be on decent terms with his dad, his step-mom is going to be an active grandparent. Obviously, I will absolutely defer to my fiancé's wishes if that were to change, but as of right now, they are going to be a part of our family and we would like to be on as good terms with them as possible. 

LAM524

Im happy for you!!  Seems like its settled, really! No stress about the step sister, FI and dad are on decent terms and growing! Dad & Stepmom will be at wedding. The realization that excluding stepmom would cause further damage with dad is a great motivator. Your mom knows that you have a close relationship with your "step" grandmother, something that you can point out, (if she brings it up again) and something she can understand. Because of this fact, she could also understand your desires for your future children and the need for peace, for her and your future family. If she doesnt, and chooses to never be around, then its up to her to decline your invite.

As far as whether or not to honor step mom at wedding, you are having your wedding at a church so Im assuming there is spirituality within the family. Scripture says "love knows no bounds."  So to act in a "loving" way speaks volumes about someones heart and integrity. You obviously have integrity and it sounds like your FI does also.  But whether you are spiritual or not it also sets a magnificent example...and tone. Having said this, give this woman a corsage. She deserves it. Since you are honoring Moms...in her own rights, besides respecting she is his fathers wife, she is in a "mother" position. Make it a different color then your Moms... hopefully avoiding any insult or hurt. They would both feel special and you and FI will feel great about it.

The same holds true for escorting her into church. Besides, it goes without saying that if you are having guests escorted in, you certainly couldnt have escorts throw their arms up and stop at step mom. You didnt mention intros at reception, but if you are doing parental intros, she would be introduced with your dad, rightfully so.

I think the important thing here is to do what feels right in your heart...with good motives and intent...integrity. Its your day, and your future. ("your "meaning you and FI).

LAM524

NYUgirl100...I assumed it because OP desires it and Im sure FI will too...especially knowng he has a relationship with his dad.

kes166

@LAM2228 thank you so much for all of your help! I really appreciate it  

Storm29

I personally feel (and there is plenty of time to worry about this later) that stepmom should be given the same flowers as mom, but doesn't need to be seated as part of the processional same way, she can just take her seat (with her husband...if he is in family seating, she should be too) quietly beforehand.

Really, though, you have lots of time for this situation to settle and adjust before the wedding. A good rule of thumb is that you can leave stepmom out of "mother of FH" honors (like a mother-son dance)...except for when they disrespect her as FOG's wife (like seating them apart).

LAM524

You are welcome. Best wishes!

allispain

@karaelaine1991 Honestly, I would set all of this to the side for awhile, until it gets to the point when you and your FI are making the final guest list. 

As the child of what I like to call a "surprise divorce" (no on saw it coming, except my dad - who initiated it - and the woman he had been cheating with), when I first got engaged I didn't think I would even invite him to my wedding (this was less than a year after the "surprise"). After several months, when it was time to finalize the guest list, I decided to invite him and his new wife. I was going to have them in the processional with my mom and FI's parents and treat them just like everyone else, because I didn't want to be the snotty kid who treated them like crap. (I will note, I did not invite her adult children since I've never met them.) It's a moot point now, since they declined attending, but I came around to something that I never would have considered right at the start.

Your FI's feelings towards his SM and his SSs might change in the next few months, or they might not. Worrying over whether or not to invite someone to a shower that won't take place for at least 6 months, however, will just stress you out needlessly. I know, because I too over-think and over-plan way in advance. Save yourself the headache :-)

kes166

@allispain thanks for the advice!! will definitely keep it in mind!