Help with friends and family living ALL over the country.

kadee410

My fiance and I have friends and family from coast to coast (most of which can't afford to travel for our wedding). We have come up with the idea of doing like a "known" elopement or "private" destination wedding in Wyoming where my Grandparents own a lodge we would stay at. My question is, how would I even explain that to people in announcements or whatever? We do however want to make a road trip from Salt Lake City, Utah (where my family lives) back to South Georgia (where we live and where my fiance's family lives) and have little receptions with my family in SLC, our friends and family in Dallas, Tx and back home in South Georgia. It seems like so much, but there are over 200 people who we all cherish and wish to spend this moment with. I'm new to the whole planning thing as we just got engaged this week but being the perfectionist that I am, I'd like to get the ball on the road and be prepared! Any ideas or suggestions would be MUCH appreciated. 

alithebride

oh christ. everyone has friends and family all over the place. your situation is not unique.

have one wedding at the lodge and call it a day. that's it.

niki&rob

Our family and friends live coast to coast in Canada, my family in the west and fiance's is in the east.  We chose to have our wedding in wine country in the west, one of the most beatiful places in canada.  were treating it like a destination wedding, we live 10 hours awayfrom there.  I just sent out save the dates (a year in advance) so that family and friends could have time to save, on my website i included all types of accomodation including camping, there are options for everyone.  we know that not everyone can make it, we wil still end up with a 100 guests and all the people who are the most important to us are making the trip.  Bonus is, much more cost effective with less people!!

Jen4948

Have the wedding and issue an announcement afterwards.

But if you want them there with you, issue invitations to them and plan for 100% attendance.  Let them decide whether or not they can come.  BTW, you can party with them later, but none of the post-DW parties will be "wedding receptions."

AddieCake

Ditto everyone above.

kadee410

By no means does ANYONE have to be snooty with me. I repeat, I JUST GOT ENGAGED THIS WEEK. I have NOOOOOO idea how I'm suppose to do this. Seeing that my parents live in Utah, grandparents live in Texas, Fiance's grandparents live in Ohio and parents live in Georgia I just feel STUCK. Thank you to those who were kind with their suggestions and advice, I REALLY appreciate it. I just don't know where to start or go about it being in a situation such as this. 

calliopeia2013

kadee410 said:

By no means does ANYONE have to be snooty with me. I repeat, I JUST GOT ENGAGED THIS WEEK. I have NOOOOOO idea how I'm suppose to do this. Seeing that my parents live in Utah, grandparents live in Texas, Fiance's grandparents live in Ohio and parents live in Georgia I just feel STUCK. Thank you to those who were kind with their suggestions and advice, I REALLY appreciate it. I just don't know where to start or go about it being in a situation such as this. 

I think people kinda took your post the wrong way; happens sometimes on the internet.  I think it came across looking a little special snowflake-y when you didn't mean it that way at all.  The thing is, as PPs said (with varying degrees of snark) what you're describing is the case with almost every wedding.  We sent invites to folks in five or six different states, the Caribbean, and Europe.  That's pretty typical.

Usually what you would do is have your wedding in the place that's either the most central, or has the biggest contingent of guests.  A lot of people (more than you might think) will go out of their way to travel for you.  (My husband's grandmother hadn't left her little rural Arkansas town in nearly 20 years, but traveled up to DC for our wedding.)  If there's really no central location, I think the strictest interpretation of old-fashioned tradition is to have the wedding in the bride's hometown.  (But I think that's a holdover from when the bride's parents were expected to pay for the wedding, which obviously isn't the case anymore.)  Other things you could consider are who among your VIPs has the most or least flexible work schedules, or ability to travel.  Or which location is the easiest/cheapest for guests to travel to.

Part of the reason people reacted badly to your original post is that having lots of mini-receptions would, I think, look a little show-off-y: either gift grabby, or like you were trying a bit too hard to be the center of attention.  Like, turning your wedding into a rock-star-style tour, KWIM?  I really wouldn't recommend this.  Have one big central wedding, taking into account the things I mentioned above.  If there are VIPs that can't make it, absolutely go visit them sometime soon after your wedding.  You can bring an album and show them pictures and have a nice visit- but don't make it a mini-reception.

I promise, almost everyone has to go through this.  And almost everyone has to deal with the disappointment of some of their loved ones not being able to make it.  That would happen even if everyone you cared about lived in the same city.  Good luck planning!

kadee410

Thank you! This is the perfect post, and it really does help me a lot. 

jarednmegan

My brother was living in New Mexico when he met my SIL. They had a ceremony in Albuquerque with close friends and immediate family.

My SIL is from the east coast, and her family owns a farm in New Hampshire. Several months after the ceremony, they had a big reception-type party at the farm and all family and friends were invited.

I'd say 90% of those who were at the ceremony could make it to New Hampshire. I'm sure my bro and SIL broke an etiquette rule or two, but they did what worked for their unique situation and no one seemed to object.

That's not to say I agree with what you and FI are planning...seems like an awful lot of traveling. If your loved ones really want to come to your wedding, regardless of where they live, they'll at least make the effort to attend. And if they can't, remember that it's not because they don't want to be there.

lttlkasa

I second the "pick one place and have a DW there" school of thought. 

I'm originally from Arizona, FI is originally from Tennessee (with most of our families living in those respective states), and the two of us now live in Massachusetts, so I feel your pain! We ultimately chose to have it in MA, and I had a very close friend drop out of the wedding party because she couldn't afford to fly across the country. It stinks, but I knew when we picked our venue that things like that could happen.

We basically weighed our options and figured no matter where we chose to get married, someone would have to travel, and for us, the lesser of two evils was to treat both sets of family/friends equally. I still feel bad that so many of our guests have to hop on a plane to get here, but like you, we were in a tough position. 

The good news is that your guests may take the opportunity to treat your DW like an extended vacation. Many of our guests are arriving earlier in the week to sightsee before our wedding. I'm not really familiar with Wyoming, but your guests might appreciate the chance for some R&R from their daily lives before they celebrate your wedding day! Maybe they can't afford the trip just for your wedding, but they might combine it with their annual vacation, know what I mean? You could also consider venues near tourist destinations that you think might appeal to family and friends.

Best of luck with your planning, and congratulations on your engagement.

Tami87

My family is also spread across the country. My parents live in NC, one set of grandparents in IL, other grandfather in AZ, uncle in CA, another uncle in WA, two of my bridesmaids were in KS, one at grad school in OH, a cousin in CN, other family in TN and we are living in MD.

All of my husband's mom's side of the family (which is huge) lives in St. Louis, MO and he also has a uncle in VA and an Aunt in FL. As previous posters pointed out many people have family that live far away that doesn't mean you should have multiple receptions.

When deciding where to have the wedding we considered where is a location where the majority of the guests would not have to travel (or at least could drive vs. flying) and what would be the most convenient for our VIPs like grandparents who would have the most difficult time flying. We ended up having one big wedding in St. Louis. Not everyone we wanted there could make the trip but we still had a great turnout. And some of my family did treat it like a vacation and stay a few extra days.

Since you are newly engaged one of the first things you should do is set a budget and make at least a rough guest list. I would then consider what location is going to be the most convenient for the majority of your guests, your VIPS and whoever is contributing financially. Even if all your family lived in the same state not everyone you want there is going to be able to make it so you just have to do the best you can.

manateehugger

Yeah, we're getting married in St. Louis, but have guests coming from literally all over the country. And the majority of my fiance's friends are military, so who knows where they will be or if they can get leave. Oh, not to mention that over half of my family lives a lovely 19 hour flight away in India. 

Just pick a place, and try not to get disappointed if people can't make it. 

kadee410

Thank you to all of your kind suggestions and GREAT advice! This has all helped me more than anyone knows!!