Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

I want to stay Ms. Maiden name - what are the hassles?

I am getting married in a few weeks and I am so excited to start our lives together but the name change is something I haven't decided on yet. Any thoughts would be appreciated! I have been going back and forth thinking I'll just take his name, I'll hyphen, no I'll keep mine etc. Below are the random thoughts bouncing around my head and I don't mean to discredit anyone's choices, a name is a very personal thing which is why I think I"m having so much trouble but everyone makes the best decision for them I'm just curious about how other women have handled this. 

Why do women have to be categorized by marital status? A man stays "Mr." regardless but a woman is expected to advertise her availability/ unavailability to complete strangers by Ms. Miss. or Mrs. and change our name to show we are no longer our father's problem but our new husband's? I know that's the harshest way to look at it and don't get me wrong, I smiled when a holiday card came addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname and I think the Mr and Mrs luggage tags from a friend are incredibly cute but these things come from close friends and family who know me and love me. So I kind of want to remain the same to those prying eyes of the outside world and stay Ms. Maiden name. My fiance, friends and family know how much I love him and want to start a family and while our marriage is a huge commitment and will defiantly change my life for the better I am still the same person I was, I am still part of the family I was before too etc. i am not losing that family, just gaining more and they know I have no problem with being called Mrs. Hislastname by them.

My concern is what if the worst happens and I'm not admitted to my husband's hospital room because I don't share a last name? What if the school questions me picking up my own children from school? What if I am never seated with my husband traveling because of the two different last names. On the other hand, if my grandma writes a check to Mrs. Hislast name I won't be able to cash it? There are pros and cons to both, has anyone else gone through this?

Have any ladies kept their maiden name, no hypen, no taking a second middle or last name? Pros and cons? 

Could I take his last name as my second middle name? That way all documents would still identify me as Ms. Maidenname but in a tight situation my Driver's license would have both?

Thanks for any input!

Re: I want to stay Ms. Maiden name - what are the hassles?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You'll need to check the jurisdiction of wherever you are planning to live.  If there are no restrictions, you can use whatever you'd like as your name, whether that's keeping your name as it is, hyphenating it, or using your maiden name as your last name.

    In general, though, most places of business don't go by whether or not you have the same name in deciding whether or not to serve you.  If someone needs proof that you are married, they'll ask for a copy of your marriage license.  I'm not aware of hospital rooms or schools denying you access because of different last names.

    When you fly, though, your last name on your ticket does need to match the last name on your ID.  That doesn't have to be your husband's last name; it just has to be whatever your legal last name is.  And when you bank, you can endorse a check written to Mrs. MarriedName and just write the name you used to open the account on under it.
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm 100% not changing my last name, so whatever hassles there are to face, you wouldn't be alone!!
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  • tiny specktiny speck member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited May 2013
    I don't think it's as bad as you're anticipating. Plenty of women keep their last name and it's not an issue. If you don't want to change your name, then don't; I think you are over-thinking this. :)

    ETA: I am taking H's last name but keeping my maiden name along with H's name for my career (I'm in academia and have publications associated with my maiden name). I haven't begun the official name change process yet but I don't see anything being too much of a hassle.
  • Yeah, I don't think you'll encounter many hassles at all. My mom doesn't share my last name, so there were a couple of random school issues growing up, but nothing major. 
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  • daria24daria24 member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2013
    I've been married a year and haven't had a single issue with having a different name from my husband. Granted I live in NYC where keeping your maiden name is more common, but it really is a non-issue. I also work with several women who socially use their H's name but their legal name is still Ms. Maiden, and they've never complained about having any trouble

    ETA: I've gotten checks addressed to DariaHisName and its never been a problem depositing them, each bank has a different protocol for handling this issue, but I've never even be asked for marriage license.
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  • Ms. does not indicate one way or the other about availability. Plus, where I'm from, women who teach elementary or Sunday school tend to go by Miss Firstname regardless of their status, for what that's worth.

    You're right about the check part, though none of the other things are likely to be problematic. Plenty of women have different names from their husbands and/or children in this day and age. And you can talk to your bank about any Mrs. Hisname checks. It's possible they will let him deposit it or let you do so if he also signs it. Or they may allow you to deposit it if you show your marriage certificate, depending on their policies. Or, you know, hand it back to Grandma. "Grandma, I'm not taking my husband's name. Could you rewrite this with my maiden name please?"
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  • I've only been married about 6 months, but I haven't had any trouble being a Ms. Maiden Name at all, other than, you know, occasionally people addressing letters and stuff to the wrong name.

    Most of the things you're worried about are non-issues- hospitals don't really ever check ID, and to the extent that they would have to (identifying next-of-kin, legal kind of stuff), they'd make you show paperwork whether you had the same last name or not (since just because people have the same last name doesn't mean they're married).

    When you register your children for school, you'll fill out paperwork that includes your and your husnband's full names, and the names of other people authorized to pick up your kid- the school will know based on that, not based on your last name.

    I've never had a problem cashing a check written to Mrs. His Last Name. 

    Airlines don't use last names to assign seats; they assign them based on who registers together; the only time it would become an issue is if you're changing flights working directly with an airline representative.  I actually have had a problem with that once- I was flying with my husband and my SIL, who has the same last name as my husband.  We had to change flights at the desk, and so the airline rep assigned us seats in person.  He seated my husband and SIL together assuming they were married, and me seperately.  My SIL and I just switched seats.  NBD.  If it had just been the two of us, the guy would have seated us together since it was clear we were travelling together. 

    Really, there are no serious cons to keeping your name.  And, honestly, you seem way more chill about the whole deal than I do- I DO get pissed off when family members call me Mrs. His Name, since they KNOW it's not my name.  The way I look at it is that my name is a big part of my identity, and my identity didn't change when I got married.  A lot of people don't feel attached to their names in that way, and so they don't mind changing their names when they get married. 

  • So I do have experience in ALL of those scenarios. When I got married the first time I changed my name completely to exD's name. Mainly so I would have the same last name as my children. I always felt judged by others that I didnt have their last name. However, when we split up I realized how much I missed my maiden name. So, when we divorced I took mine back, but kept it hyphenated to still have the same name as my kids. For the second marriage, I wanted to keep my maiden name. I didnt want my ex's name anymore, but hated my future H's name. But his family threw such a huge fit, I ended up hyphenating. When we divorced I went back to my maiden hyphentaed with my kids dads last name. It is such a huge PITA! In work I only use my maiden. Kids school, I go by my maiden. I did end up adding my last name to my kids last name a few years ago though, so they will always have my last name.

    Anyway, this time FI was actually joking about changing HIS name to match my maiden, lol. But he also knows that I will hyphenate again.

    My name is very important to me. It is my heritage. It is from my dad. I love my name and what it represents. Fi gets that. Plus, lets be honest, not all marriages last unfortunately, so unless you plan on never remarrying, or remarrying but keeping the exes name, eventually your name may be different than your kids.

    So, just input from someone who has done it all!

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  • I'm not changing my name either and was worried about all the things OP said - really relieved to hear that it's not as much of a hassle as I thought!
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  • SKPMSKPM member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    Re: the hospital room scenario -- last name does not denote marriage status. People with the same last name can just as easily be siblings, cousins, or parent/child. If someone truly needs proof of next-of-kinship, your marriage license will prove that, as will any advance healthcare directives.

    Flights are based on who's on the same reservation. I kept my maiden name, and my H has booked flights for us on the same transaction/reservation, which means we are then seated together, can check-in together, etc. As PP said, just make sure your ticket matches your drivers license/passport.

    We have been married just under a year and I have not changed anything legally. In CA anyway, you have 2 years from the wedding to change it with SS, so I consider my options still open. But I am leaning more toward just keeping my name.

    Honestly, the biggest "hassle" for me is people I know in person who won't acknowledge that I didn't change my name. I am happy giving anyone a "free pass" who addresses wedding invitations, Christmas cards, and other social correspondence to "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast," but I always deliberately RSVP with our separate names and use return-address labels that say "Ms. MyFirst MyLast." Anyone who doesn't get it after that point makes me feel irritated at best, and flat out disrespected at worst.

    I deliberately went through and made sure to address all of our wedding invitations and subsequent correspondence properly, and I appreciate when others do the same.

    ETA: depositing checks-- we haven't had any issues with checks to "Mr. and Mrs. HisLast" or "H and Me HisLast". Maybe because we use a local credit union, or because we have a joint account that clearly lists both of our full names; not sure but I don't ask questions since the tellers haven't asked either.

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  • I wrangled with the name change a long time.  Before I got married I felt like I would be losing my identity.  I had been SoAndSo for so long how could I be anyone else.  I worried about the impact on my career.  My husband didn't care what name we ended up with, he just wanted us to have the same last name.  He was willing to take my last name, his mother's maiden name, or my grandmother's maiden name.  I ended up changing my last name to his.  Since then I haven't felt like I have lost any part of my identity.  I don't feel any less a part of my family.  And it hasn't been a problem for my career.
  • Granted I don't have children, but after four years of marriage with my own name, I've never encountered any of these issues.  If you have kids, the school should know that you are their mother because of the registration information, so that shouldn't be a problem.

    With checks, I've had no problem depositing to joint or even to my first his last if I put them in our joint account.  

    On a side note, I think you are misunderstanding the titles for women.  Miss means a woman of any age who is not married.  Mrs. means a woman who is married.  Ms. was invented to be the female equivalent of Mr.  It is appropriate for any woman of any age regardless of marital status.  That's why Ms. is always the correct title in business context.  A woman's marital status is irrelevant in the professional world.  You would properly be called Ms. Maiden or Ms. Married.  (Although Ms. Married is rarely used socially.)  
  • DH and I each kept our own names, and we have not had any problems in nearly 2 years of marriage (no kids).  It's not an issue that the last names aren't the same when we go to a hotel where DH made the reservation and I'm the one to hand them my ID and credit card to check in (or vice versa).   I generally agree with the points made by PPs, especially the fact that if you actually have to prove that you're the wife or the parent, you'll need some kind of documentation, not just the same last name.  
      
    FWIW, I asked my aunt who has been married probably 20+ years, has 3 kids, and did not change her name when I was making my decision, and she said she has never had a problem, although she does take a copy of her marriage license if they're traveling.  
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