Catholic Weddings

Catholic Wedding and Groom's Step-Father

My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship and have been for nearly four years, and would like to get married in a couple years once we have completed college and have stable jobs. I graduate in December of this year, he next May, and would like to get married in 2015. I am Catholic and I do plan to get married within the Church. He is not, but he has agreed to get married within the Church. However, his parents are divorced with his mother remarried. His father and mother have a good relationship. However, we want to keep the integrity and tradition of marriage within our wedding, and he is adamant his step-father not be included because he thinks that would disrespect the institution of marriage. Although he is Baptist, he wants to respect the Catholic Church's stance so as to not disrespect my family. The only problem is, we are concerned about alienating his family. We are concerned about how to handle this within the ceremony, reception, and invitations. Our thoughts are these:

For the invitations have his parents line say " Mrs. X and Mr. Y, and Mr. X the parents and step-father of (son).."

Have his step-father not be apart of the parents walking down the aisle and just have him sitting in the front row, with the biological father walking his ex-wife down the aisle. We would also have his mom sit in between her current husband and ex-husband. 

For the reception, his father would again escort his mother in, with his step-father walking directly behind them.

My grandmothers are uncomfortable with his step-father being included in any part of the wedding. They were both married to my grandfathers for decades before they both passed on, and are very devout Catholics. My parents have also been married for several decades and are becoming more devout. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? 

I know that we're not even engaged yet, but due to the economy, our families are trying to see if they can even afford to give us a wedding in a couple years, and that is why these concerns have popped up. I say this because I posted this on another board and was told I was jumping the gun and to wait. However, my parents have their concerns as to how to approach his family about this and while they are consulting the Father of our parish, I thought I would try on here. Thank you! 

Re: Catholic Wedding and Groom's Step-Father

  • I don't have any advice for dealing with your family, but my parents are also divorced and have been remarried since I was young. My step parents are a part of my family and I would never consider having them not be part of the wedding. In fact, my dad and step mom are divorced, yet she is invited to the wedding and her daughters will be in my bridal party. I have decided that for the processional, my stepdad will escort my mom and my dad will escort me following them. FI and I are all about the integrity of marriage, I do not consider this to be an insult to the institution of marriage. I see it as honoring it, since even though my parents are divorced, my mom and step dad have been a wonderful example to me of what a healthy marriage is.

    If FI's family has an issue (which I know they don't) with my stepdad, who I have lived with since I was 9 and considers me his daughter, being part of my wedding, then they don't have to come.
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  • I would like to add that in my parish, my step dad isn't even just walking down the aisle with my mom, but the priest also does a "blessing this family that is about to be joined" thing with the bride, groom, and parents. So he's actually involved in the ceremony and it's fine.
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  • Tami87Tami87 member
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    It seems really extreme and insulting to your bf's step-dad and mother to make a point of excluding his step-dad in this way.

    For invitations if the bride's family is hosting often they are the only ones listed. Or you could always go the together with their families route. But I agree that invitation wording is not something you need to even begin to think about yet.

    I would also not force your bf's parents to walk in together or be introduced together. I think that you should show respect for bf's mom and step-dad even if you don't agree with their relationship. While I also take the vows I made very seriously and intend to be with my H as long as we both shall live I would never dream of trying to exclude my friends and family members who are divorced and remarried.
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  • First, I would agree that, while thinking about budgets and money is one thing, worrying about the invitation wording really is getting ahead of yourself. Think about it. Dream. But don't get ahead of yourself planning little nitty gritty details until you are engaged. Really, it's not worth the stress yet. Additionally, when the time comes that you are engaged, your parents could easily give you and your then-fiance a lump-sum of whatever they can afford and you can work from there and supplement if you need/want.

    Second, not getting married in the Church would be a way, way bigger problem and a much bigger insult to the Catholic teachings on marriage than involving a step-parent. The latter, in my opinion, is a non-issue. He's important to your FI and his family! Include him! Getting married outside of the Church, on the other hand, removes you from communion with the Church, so that you cannot receive the sacraments, and means you will not be married validly in the eyes of the Church. Way bigger deal. Why do you think you don't want to get married in the Church?
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  • I agreed with a lot of the advice that you were given on E.  It shouldn't matter that your FMIL is remarried -- that has no bearing on YOUR marriage.  I also agree that it would be a huge insult (and probably really uncomfortable for everyone) to ask your FFIL to escort his ex-wife.  As for your grandmothers, I'd say they're just going to have to deal with it.

    I also agree with what PPs have said.  It's definitely important to be considering your budget, but the little details like invitation wording come together at the time of your wedding.  

    Also, (and I've rewritten this next statement over and over to come up with the best wording) maybe you shouldn't be counting on your parents to pay for this.  You seem to have the right idea -- to graduate and work for a little while.  This is what my husband and I did, and we paid for most of our wedding (around $25K).  It can certainly be done, especially if it's a few years down the road and you begin saving now (we dated for seven years before we got married).  We had some help from both our parents, but we went into planning fully expecting to pay for everything on our own.

    I think you're not looking at the right things.  Instead of worrying about the little details of your wedding, you and FI should begin looking into the spiritual aspects of preparing for a wedding.  Interfaith marriages are sometimes difficult, and this would be a great time for the two of you to begin working out how your faith will work into your everyday lives.  I would look into catholicweddinghelp.com for some basic information on preparing for your wedding, and even pick up some books on marriage to make sure the two of you are really ready when you have graduated and sorted out your finances.

    I'm not saying you should sign up for Pre-Cana right this second, but you both need to understand what is important to the other (even if you think you know, it is always best to talk it out BEFORE you start making plans).
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