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Very sad and hurt by FI.

Ugh so upset with FI right now. Ive been showing him DOC prices and list of what they do. He still isnt sold on the idea so I wrote up a smallish list of what they would do specifically for us. He thinks its ridiculous to pay them $700 for doing a few things. Really? He isnt the most organized person, considering he is a scientist, and I have been doing most of the planning. Well all really, all he does is tell me "whatever u want". I even asked if I have really asked for anything and he said no. I told him i didnt appreciate him calling something that I feel I need ridiculous...Im so hurt and angry right now :(.

Here is the list of the things I can think of right now:
 
Run the rehearsal.
 
Decorate chapel. Only have ½ hour to do this. Including setting up guest book, bubbles, programs, card box. Put on tulle... bows or plain tulle on aisle chairs. Also set out map cards.

Deliver bouts from Brendas house to hotel for Tony and guys

Deliver and set up reception decorations:
• Flower petals for around the centerpieces, and set them out. Flowers for cake topper
• Place rocks in bowls
• Set out wedding favors
Take down ceremony decorations.only have chapel til 530 so needs to be done while pics are being taken. Want to head to Riverwalk for pics
Gather family members for pics
Make sure gifts and cards, along with card box and guest book, get from ceremony to reception and then to us at the end of the night. Set up escort cards.
Gather up leftovers from reception
Will make sure all vendors are on time and know order of events. Give info to them and be point person for questions or issues.
Will pay vendors so we don’t have to.
Help with timeline for day of for me, family, and vendors
Will fluff my dress before I walk .

Is that ridiculous to pay someone $700 for?
 
He will probably suggest having him and the guys do it all. I love FI, but he isnt the most go to it guy. Very much a procrastinator and not really into detail, again surprising since he is a scientist, lol. But he is looking at me like i am being unreasonable.

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Re: Very sad and hurt by FI.

  • If he is telling you to do whatever you want, why is this up for discussion if what you want to do is hire a DOC?
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    shaylagirl
  • If he is telling you to do whatever you want, why is this up for discussion if what you want to do is hire a DOC?
    No, for everything else he has told me to do what I want to make me happy. I always ask his opinion though since it is his wedding too. Since this is more $$, I asked. He actually surprised me when he said it was ridiculous.

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  • If he is telling you to do whatever you want, why is this up for discussion if what you want to do is hire a DOC?

    No, for everything else he has told me to do what I want to make me happy. I always ask his opinion though since it is his wedding too. Since this is more $$, I asked. He actually surprised me when he said it was ridiculous.


    I'm sorry he's putting his foot down on this, of all things. :(
    image
  • I don't think it's ridiculous, but I do think you're overreacting. Are you going to get "sad" and "hurt" every time you guys disagree over buying something? I just finally won a 4 YEAR debate on getting a new bed. If I had been that angry and that hurt everytime I brought it up and H called a waste of money, we'd be divorced by now. I get being frustrated, but don't take it as a personal insult or criticism. Have a glass of wine and a bubble bath, get a good night's sleep, then discuss it again tomorrow when clearer heads prevail.

    No not at all. We argue all the time, lol. It may be because he is always so easy going and could be the meds Im on and Flo is in town, who knows. I just know it did rub me the wrong way. Or it could be Im getting stressed cause it is less than 2 months out and I realize all of the little things that need doing and I cant figure out how in the hell we will get them done!!! Ugh, but yea, I think taking a night will be good. Maybe he will see it my way, or he will come up with a good solution on how it can be done by us.

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  • I don't think it's ridiculous, but I do think you're overreacting. Are you going to get "sad" and "hurt" every time you guys disagree over buying something? I just finally won a 4 YEAR debate on getting a new bed. If I had been that angry and that hurt everytime I brought it up and H called a waste of money, we'd be divorced by now. I get being frustrated, but don't take it as a personal insult or criticism. Have a glass of wine and a bubble bath, get a good night's sleep, then discuss it again tomorrow when clearer heads prevail.
    I agree.  And also, try to price shop around a little.  A DOC for $700 sounds a little high to me, but it may be good for the area.  Contact your venue and make sure they don't offer it as an add-on.  My church offered it with the venue cost and my reception venue was handled by my family.  If you come to him and say "it's something that's really important to me," you can find some money in the budget, and you've done your homework and gotten a good deal, he may be more willing.  I always make a Plan of Convincing for anything I go to H with.

    Stage, you beat me by a year with the bed thing.  I finally gave an ordered list to him when we moved.  He finally caved.  

    I have price shopped, and this was the cheapest!! Most were over $1000 which was way over the top!!! The venue or chapel doesnt do anything like this. I wish they did. Now, if we went with another venue in the group, maybe, but ours doesnt. The wedding is fully paid for, UNDER budget I might add, so it wouldnt be taking away from anything else, just something more. Actually it would take the place of the photo booth we were planning on but decided against. Oh well, ill see what plan he comes up with and find a way to counter. We have til the 7th to decide before her price goes back up to $800.  Thanks for the input!

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  • I also think you are overreacting to feel hurt and angry about this.

    I do see how they are useful and I think $700 is a reasonable price. I'm not using a DOC and most people I know haven't used one so it can be done without. All the stuff you have listed aren't all that big, mostly emptying a box. Do you think you can get someone to help you with it at the chapel? The photographer will gather who he needs for photos. The card box I think should just be at the reception... and normally the venue has someone to help with the reception things

    These aren't all that huge if you have things set up in advance. I'd probably ask my aunt to help me and give her a thank you gift. My aunt is someone who genuinely loves to help.

    My FI would get hung up on the dress fluffing on your list and ask me if I really needed to spend the money on dress fluffing. 
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    I agree this is definitely not something to get "hurt" about. 

    Also, I can see hiring a DOC if you really and truly don't have time or resources to get that stuff done, but my 2 bridesmaids and my aunt did all the setting up for us, which was easy b/c I had everything well-organized for them, and then a bunch of us, including my husband and myself, took things down/cleaned up after. All our vendors were paid before the wedding day. It really wasn't as overwhelming as it seems. 

    Are you getting married in San Antonio?  


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • $700 is an extremely reasonable price. I don't know how you would get the stuff you listed done yourself and you can't ask other guests.
  • You are also paying a DOC to handle any problems/issues should they arise.  Handle them in a way, you the bride are not even aware they are occurring.  In my opinion, that is worth every bit of 700.00
  • Hiring a DOC was a decision that I made on my own because I understood the value and was paying for it myself. J rolled his eyes at the cost (which was more than twice what your quote is), but ask him today if she was worth it and it would be a resounding YES every time. After the wedding, he was able to see all of the work she did. Beforehand, it was just a list of things where I laid out that she would be doing. If I were to put 'set up the reception venue' on a list, it doesn't seem like such a daunting task. Break it down into each individual thing that has to be done to actually set up the space and we're talking about 2 hours of labor. Once he could visualize it all, it made more sense. Could you ask your venue if you and your FI could come visit their space during an event set-up so that he could see what goes into getting everything ready? I think that would help change his mind. Sometimes seeing is believing--if he is a scientist, he probably has a 'prove it to me' approach to things like this.

    For me, the most invaluable thing my DOC gave me was piece of mind on my wedding day. I was confident that everything would be set up the way we wanted, which left me stress free.

    Don't let this bother you too much--if you feel that it is a necessary wedding expense, tell him that and just move on from there.

     

    wittykitty14
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Ditto Lia.  Are you able to hire non-professionals to assist?  I think I read on here once that the bride's sister's co-workers were paid to perform, just about all that you want.  Your officiant should be running the rehersal.  Every rehearsal I have ever been to was run by the officiant.
  • Thanks ladies. Lets see if I can answer all the questions/comments.

    Yes, I agree it is a silly thing to get hurt over, I guess maybe just the way FI stated it. I felt that he was kind of belittling all of the work I have done until now, and not realizing that even though I havent stated it, it is very stressfull and hard to coordinate everything. Or maybe its because I have been off of work for over a week now and had 2 surgeries in a week and was in pain/on meds, so Im emotional. And bored.

    The venue will help a little bit with setting up, but I have a feeling something went wrong with another wedding because they changed their policy on setting up a year ago. The coordinator at the venue said since I am out of town, she will do more. I guess I will email her with everything that needs to be done and see how much they will do for us.

    My dad is ill and has a "helper" that is almost family to him and my mom. She is even invited to the wedding. My mom told me yesterday that the helpers sister does this as a job and charges $30 an hour with a minimum of $200. I just dont know her, have never met her, so Im not sure how good she is and all of that.

    Because we havent lived up there for years, I really dont know any high school aged kids in the area. My mom had already said that she would be happy to do all of that, but between getting herself ready, and helping my dad get ready, I dont want to put anymore stress on her.

    I was in a friends wedding and the night of the rehearsal we all went to the site and decorated with her. I had no issue with that, and I dont think my WP would either, the issue with that is I dont know, and wont know until the week of, when we can get in there to decorate.

    I can contact the florist and see if she can deliver to the venue and sprinkle the petals. I guess I was excited to be saving on the cost of delivary since my sister's, where the flowers will be dropped of, was a free charge since its only 5 minutes from her store. But, I guess saving the delivary charge and then paying $700 is kinda silly.

    @addieL73, no in Illinois, a suburb of Chicago.

    Thanks again for the input. I guess just having someone else take the "what-ifs" off of my plate sounds wonderful!

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  • MsYeckMsYeck
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    I would use the helpers sister for $30 hr. the stuff on your list is easy. I would just maybe do a mock-up of your vision for the gal.
  • I am clearly in the wrong market. $700+ to deliver some flowers, tie bows on chairs and handle some calls is quite lucrative. I didn't have a DOC, never even crossed my mind and it was never an issue. We did just fine on our own
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  • I think we have decided to do it ourselves. We will just have to be very organized on that day. And most of it will fall to FI since his getting ready will take 20 minutes as opposed to mine which will be a few hours!

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  • I saw on Pinterest that people arrange their centerpiece at home, take a photo, put all components in their own plastic box for each table and stick the photo on the box.

    I will be doing this at mine. JIC, though mine are pretty simple.  My first wedding - I don't know how they could've gotten it wrong, but it was all wrong.
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  • Yea, I talked to the reception lady and since it is very simple she said she can do everything we need the day of!! She just said they dont and cant do things that will take a few hours to set up!!

    So relieved! And saved us $700!

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  • No DOC for us. We actually have the advantage in being able to decorate the day before though. Florist will deliver the flowers, my dad is going to hand out envelopes and pay vendors during the wedding and we will help to clean up afterwards.
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  • runpipparunrunpipparun
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited June 2013
    Yeah, no DOC for us either. We're doing all the reception set-up ourselves. Definitely doing the picture thing for centerpieces. Will probably text it to the friends who we will bribe with donuts to help out, just so they have some reference.

    At the same time, our church doesn't allow outside flowers and decor (saying it distracts from the natural beauty of the space), so I feel like we have less to do than other wedding parties.

    ETA: The fact that your FI is a scientist and not detail-oriented is not surprising in the least, particularly depending on the type of "scientist."
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  • Yeah, no DOC for us either. We're doing all the reception set-up ourselves. Definitely doing the picture thing for centerpieces. Will probably text it to the friends who we will bribe with donuts to help out, just so they have some reference.

    At the same time, our church doesn't allow outside flowers and decor (saying it distracts from the natural beauty of the space), so I feel like we have less to do than other wedding parties.

    ETA: The fact that your FI is a scientist and not detail-oriented is not surprising in the least, particularly depending on the type of "scientist."
    Really???? Most scientists I know are very detail oriented! He is a physicist BTW. Works with lazers right now and taught at colleges for years.

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  • Ditto Stage. I worked at Google for awhile. Software engineers are super detail oriented when it comes to writing code. Outside of work... Egads.
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