NWR: Rude houseguest

mercimarie

Hey all. Wondering if I can get some advice so I don't stick my foot in my mouth.

FI has a friend who immigrated from Italy 4 years ago and they've known each other about as long. Let's call him Stefan. FI has had Stefan over to the house several times in the 4 years and every time he's been over, I dislike him more and more and it's starting to show.

The first time Stefan came over, he got settled in on the couch and asked me to make him a sandwich and a drink. I brushed it off that he was new in Canada and probably didn't realize that it's done a little differently over here. It rubbed me the wrong way but I brushed it off.

The next few times, he completely cleaned us out of snacks. Chips, crackers, more sandwiches, old, stale cookies from the Narnia regions of the pantry... I feel like I have to stock up when he comes over. I want to be a good hostess but seriously.

Recently he has gotten more comfortable with other friends and the last few social gatherings we've had, he's made other guests uncomfortable with his very strong opinions and frankly his weird personality. He bums cigarettes off of guests when they are outside and tries to hijacks every party by trying to turn it into a jam session. Sometimes it's not the right crowd, but he nags until he gets his own way.

Lastly, he doesn't know when to call it a night. It will be 1am, FI and I will have dropped several hints that the evening has been lovely but we're very tired and he will be there, munching away on the remnants of whatever snacks have been left out.

I was not so bothered about things like raiding the cupboard or overstaying his welcome, but when I start having guests inquire if Stefan will be there before they RSVP to a dinner or party, I feel I must intervene. Has anyone been in this situation before? Asking FI to speak to him is an option, however he is very uncomfortable with confrontation and always seems to pass off Stefan's behavior as him not knowing any better. We have many foreign national friends. They are not like this.

TL;DR FI has weird Italian friend who is eating us out of house and home, and freaks out our other friends.

Simply Fated

I was in a similar situation. I'm sorry to say I had no backbone at the time.

I don't think this is an Italian thing so much as this is a rude guy thing.

Limit your snack selection when you're expecting him over. Offering snacks is good, but you do not have to offer a buffet of endless treats.

Be more blunt about him needing to leave at the end if the night. "It's time to call it a night. We have work in the morning." And remove the snacks from reach and clean up.

As for when others are invited... be blunt with your Fi. "Our friends are literally not coming over because of him. We're either not inviting Stefan or you and Stefan can go elsewhere while company is over the house." He doesn't have to confront Stefan this way.

[Deleted User]

Simply Fated said:

I was in a similar situation. I'm sorry to say I had no backbone at the time. I don't think this is an Italian thing so much as this is a rude guy thing. Limit your snack selection when you're expecting him over. Offering snacks is good, but you do not have to offer a buffet of endless treats. Be more blunt about him needing to leave at the end if the night. "It's time to call it a night. We have work in the morning." And remove the snacks from reach and clean up. As for when others are invited... be blunt with your Fi. "Our friends are literally not coming over because of him. We're either not inviting Stefan or you and Stefan can go elsewhere while company is over the house." He doesn't have to confront Stefan this way.

I like this. When someone is acting that inappropriately, you can treat them like a two year old. Guide them and distract them. They will typically go with it and you can usually get them to do what you need them to do.

mercimarie

Guide and distract. I like it. Hopefully I don't have to implement it for a while as I've definitely had my fill of him lately but I will most definitely put this into action next time we are 'graced' with his company.

jessicabessica

Where was your FI when Stefan asked you to make him a sandwich and drink?  That should have been met with him saying, "Mercimarie has other things to do, but if you're hungry, we can go into the kitchen and make something ourselves."  

I would transition Stefan from being a friend that hangs out with both you and your FI to a friend that primarily hangs out with your FI.  I also agree with Simply Fated's advice.  The raiding your pantry thing would drive me crazy.  I think it's reasonable to say, after you've provided the food you planned to provide, "we actually need the rest of that bread/juice/crackers/etc. for this week--we need food to bring to work and will be crazy busy so won't have time to restock."  

southernbelle0915

I laughed out loud when I read this because I can totally relate. FI has a "Stefan" friend. He never asked me to make him a sandwich because I think he knows I would have throw him out of my house, but he was equally as imposing, obnoxious, and socially inept. It was like he dealt with social discomfort by being extremely loud, offensive, and rude to people. FI said he was only like that when he was around women or groups of people (ummm.....?). I dealt with him by coming to an agreement with FI that "Stefan" could absolutely hang out with him whenever he wants, but due to how uncomfortable he made me and other people, he was never to be invited to social functions or parties we host. Sorry. FI was on board because it was seriously affecting our friendships with other people. 

To be honest, it's been a couple of years and "Stefan" has done a complete 180 - I think it's because he stopped being invited to things and realized people don't put up with that BS. He's actually pretty cool now. I can't believe I just said that...

[Deleted User]

I would say since FI agrees with you, to avoid confrontation, just stop inviting him to parties where there will be issues. When he comes over & asks for food. Just put a set amount of food and once it's gone and it's gone. If he tries to go through cabinets, tell him to please stay out of the cabinets, a lot of that food is already planned for meals. If he says something, then FI needs to stand up and say my wife isn't your waitress. Or if you want to have fun with it, give him a bill at the end of the night and when he questions it, well you treat me like a waitress while your here, so here's you're bill. OK I know that is really bad, but so is his behavior...lol.

harper0813

Just don't invite him to parties. If FI is dying to hang out with Stefan, they can go get coffee or drinks somewhere outside of your home.

We has a German exchange student like that once - she was sweet, but she always "forgot" her money so we had to pay her way everywhere (we volunteered to host her, as we always did with exchange students, and we were not reimbursed), including movies, train tickets, meals out - whether she was with our parents or just my brother and/or me. She had an issue with binge-eating and would sneak out of bed at night to raid our cabinets and fridge. The candy she brought back from Germany to give to us as thank-you gifts... she ate it all. We found the wrappers in the garbage and she gave us no gifts at all. But we also knew from previous experiences with exchange students that it was not a typical German thing.

winelover123

My roommate's BF was like this for awhile - I ended up hiding my food and then labeling it. I think he finally got the hint when there were no more snacks around. Don't invite him to parties and if you have him over, have FI tell him to not go into the cabinets.

mercimarie

Thanks for all of the great advice. I spoke with FI about this over coffee this morning and it seems as though this past incident with Stefan was the proverbial straw that broke FI's back. I told FI that I was pretty bothered about S's behaviour at the last party, and he wholeheartedly agreed that at this stage of the game, S should know better and that unfortunately he isn't welcome at dinners or parties anymore. He says that he will talk to him if necessary but we're hoping that much like southernbelle's experience, he'll start to catch on to why he is just not being invited anymore. It's a shame, because deep down he is a nice person, he is just terribly socially inept and frankly is a liability to our reputation as hosts. I love to entertain and I don't want people to associate our parties with S's behaviour. I'm glad I was able to avoid a blow out because the temptation to read S the riot act was getting too great. It seems it can now be avoided, at least for now!