Can I change my mind and NOT have a bridal party?

sarabopp

My FI hemmed and hawed at having a bridal party. We are doing a Quaker-style wedding and a wedding party is necessary. I felt torn and asked my best friend and sisters what they thought- the consensus was that they would help me with whatever I needed whether or not they had a title during the wedding. I sort of caved in and decided to go with a bridal party. This includes a junior BM and two ring bearers (niece and nephews). It wasn't until after I asked my sisters, best friend and FI's sister to be in the wedding that FI mentioned that he would've preferred that we didn't have a WP and keep the wedding simple.
Fast forward- there are 2 1/2 months until the wedding. I've come down with mono and can barely stay awake, am falling incredibly behind at work and lack energy to plan a wedding (unfortunately cannot afford a wedding planner). FI has stepped up after I got sick- even he is surprised at how much there is to do!
My MOH (sis) and I found a great dress that is reasonable in price and can definitely be worn again by all. FSIL has not tried on the dress. BF recently moved out of state for a new job can't realistically plan too much. My sis is a single mom struggling financially, FSIL is young, doesn't drive and can be unreliable (she's not mean, just sort of in her own world). I was ok with doing most of the planning myself but suddenly feel that I am not able to complete it all. My mom is one of those people who needs to be told exactly what to do, making decisions isn't her things so she's admitted that she isn't good with planning, esp. a wedding.
I feel that there is a lot to do with the wedding party, more than I initially realized: dresses, accessories, hair, make-up, shoes, flowers, gifts, parties, etc.... 
I don't really want to deal with it any more. I just want to sleep and get better. Is there a tactful way to back out of a having a wedding party? I feel that I would saving myself a lot of sanity and money, and be able to concentrate on the things that I feel up to accomplishing.

aurianna

You can't kick out bridesmaids. It's usually a friendship ending move.
Also, I'd drop the "junior" from junior bridesmaid. Some girls find it insulting and it's not like she's doing anything less than the other girls at the wedding (aka walking down an aisle and standing beside you).

Having bridesmaids does not need to cause stress.
"dresses, accessories, hair, make-up, shoes, flowers, gifts, parties, etc.... "

This can be very, very, easy.
Dress: I'm unclear on your post on if this was decided or not. But if not... pick a color. Say "just get any dress you like in this color." Done.

You do not need to plan anything with hair or makeup. Just let the girls do their hair and makeup however they want. Let them wear whatever jewelry/accessories they want.

Parties shouldn't be an issue. If any of them offer to throw you a bridal shower or a bach party, it is up to them to plan and host it, and not you. Or, you could graciously decline if you're not feeling up to it. No harm, no foul. If no one offers to have one, then you don't have one and it's one less thing to worry about.

For having bridesmaids, the only things you need to do is get them gifts and something to hold during the wedding. What they could hold can be as simple as a single statement flower (a rose, a lily, etc). These can be picked up from your local grocer the day of the wedding. Or they could get a fun accessory like a fan.

So really gifts are the only thing that take any thought on your part. I think with 2 months to go you can think of something nice for each girl.


ETA:
I had a bad case of mono myself a few years back. I don't envy you. Feel better soon!

aurianna

DP

artbyallie

sarabopp said:

My FI hemmed and hawed at having a bridal party. We are doing a Quaker-style wedding and a wedding party is necessary. I felt torn and asked my best friend and sisters what they thought- the consensus was that they would help me with whatever I needed whether or not they had a title during the wedding. I sort of caved in and decided to go with a bridal party. This includes a junior BM and two ring bearers (niece and nephews). It wasn't until after I asked my sisters, best friend and FI's sister to be in the wedding that FI mentioned that he would've preferred that we didn't have a WP and keep the wedding simple.
Fast forward- there are 2 1/2 months until the wedding. I've come down with mono and can barely stay awake, am falling incredibly behind at work and lack energy to plan a wedding (unfortunately cannot afford a wedding planner). FI has stepped up after I got sick- even he is surprised at how much there is to do!
My MOH (sis) and I found a great dress that is reasonable in price and can definitely be worn again by all. FSIL has not tried on the dress. BF recently moved out of state for a new job can't realistically plan too much. My sis is a single mom struggling financially, FSIL is young, doesn't drive and can be unreliable (she's not mean, just sort of in her own world). I was ok with doing most of the planning myself but suddenly feel that I am not able to complete it all. My mom is one of those people who needs to be told exactly what to do, making decisions isn't her things so she's admitted that she isn't good with planning, esp. a wedding.
I feel that there is a lot to do with the wedding party, more than I initially realized: dresses, accessories, hair, make-up, shoes, flowers, gifts, parties, etc.... 
I don't really want to deal with it any more. I just want to sleep and get better. Is there a tactful way to back out of a having a wedding party? I feel that I would saving myself a lot of sanity and money, and be able to concentrate on the things that I feel up to accomplishing.

It's rude to tell them they're not in the wedding any more after you already asked. You've picked a dress, right? Or just pick a color and let them get whatever. You don't pick accessories, hair, make-up, or shoes, so that's all up to them individually. (If you do pick those things, it's only right that YOU pay for them.) Get them each a gift card for their favorite store. You are not to be involved in planning any parties except the wedding (and rehearsal dinner if you have a rehearsal--if there's no rehearsal, you don't have to feed people, so I advise skipping it), so if they want to throw a shower or bachelorette, it's on them. If they don't, you just don't have those parties. So really, gifts and flowers are all you have left to worry about.

Sucks about the mono, though. Hopefully you'll be feeling more up to snuff in a week or two, and you'll still have plenty of time to get things done.

MairePoppy

There is one way that you can get out of having a wedding party - elope. If you do that, you should reimburse anyone who has paid for the dress that you asked them to buy for your wedding. 

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. 

sarabopp

Thanks for the input.

My tiny niece just turned 10 and is super excited to be a junior bridesmaid. She is a flower girl in my brother's wedding in July. She is very proud of being a JBM- it is adorable! She told me that she feels very grown up to be a junior bridesmaid. If my niece was a little older or if she seemed the slightest bit turned off by her title, I would absolutely have her be a BM. She asked if she could pick out her own dress and I said yes, of course!

The BM's have dresses- they are all the same. I bought my BF and FSIL their dresses. My sis was ok with buying her own because she has two other events in mind where she is going to wear it. BF liked the dress a lot. It is a short navy blue cotton dress from Talbots- very tasteful- the three girls each have different body issues and the dress does a great job of highlighting their favorite body parts, while covering the flaws. It came in women's, regular and petite. And the dress has pockets!
I bought a couple of sizes for FSIL to try on and have been trying for more than a month to get together with her. I offer to meet her after work, drive to her, pick her up, make her dinner, sleep over, etc. My FI has also called her to make arrangements to hang out and also try on the dress with no luck.

I don't think that it would be a friend-ending move. My sister is my sister and a great friend and my bf is incredible. I'm beginning to think that it may not phase FSIL if I change my mind about the wedding party.

I don't think that I understood fully the Quaker-style wedding before asking the BP. I feel a little embarrassed to have a WP and a Quaker-style wedding- like I am defeating the purpose of the simplicity and uniqueness of the Quakers.

I feel that it should be easier too and I shouldn't have to worry about the BMs. For example, my BF is really into fashion and once a week sends me pictures of hair styles and accessories and asks which one. I said that I am happy with whatever she decides and if she thinks that it would look good on the others, to pass along the information and they can get it if they like. Her new thing is peacock feathers for the hair. I appreciate that she asks my opinion but I am ok with anything. Its the same with shoes. My sis and bf send me pictures and my request is that I want them to be comfortable- any color is good. The shoes can be a pair that they already own!

Initially I was going to have a MAU and hair dresser come to the venue to help me get ready. There was a minimum cost so I asked the BM, my oldest sis, and the two moms if they were interested in either. The response was pretty much, whatever you want us to do. I decided to go to a salon and was able to hold a bunch of time slots for hair and makeup, no obligation for either, and told everyone the prices and said that if they would like one, two or no services to let the salon know. The salon offers mimosas and breakfast and they can hang out even if they do their own getting ready.

My oldest sister and mom got into a huge fight about the bridal shower which is being held at FMIL's house. My family members both called me very upset and complaining about the other.

My BF keeps asking me about the bridal shower, wedding shower and bach party. Even though we've talked about it half a dozen times, she gets them confused every time we talk. I tried to explain that if she wants to throw a bach party, I'd low a low key time with her, my sisters and FSIL. No crazy bars or penis pops- maybe wine and cheese party. I'm super appreciative but too exhausted for a big hoopla.

I don't think that my friends and family, as wonderful as they are, realize what I am going through.
I am happy that they want to help and support all decisions. I just wish that they would make decisions. They will all look great no matter what they wear or how they accessorize. I would be content with or without a bridal or bach party.

I brought up the idea of not wanting a BP to FI and he mostly heard me out but didn't say either way. Erg!

I mostly want to sleep (and sleep some more!) but need to worry about the other details of the wedding and not the BP.

Maybe I just needed to vent, and thank you all for letting me.

sarabopp

I've asked FI if we can elope- he really wants the wedding with all of our friends and family there to celebrate.

MairePoppy

Then you should explain to the bms that all you're asking is that they wear the dress and show up on time for the wedding. Since they're your good friends, they should understand that your illness is sapping your energy, so they will have to decide about their own hair, shoes, accessories etc....You need your rest, right now. I hope you're feeling better for your wedding.

aurianna

If your niece is that excited about being a junior bridesmaid, imagine how excited she'd be about being a bridesmaid. They all walk down the aisle and stand next to you. There really is no need for the "junior" distinction. It's not a big deal. Just something to think about (aside from her being younger is there any other reason to make her junior? And if not, why not make her even happier?)

Based on what you've said, I'd really, really not kick out the bridal party. It sounds like everyone is just really excited about the wedding and wants to make sure you approve of their choices. They might feel that they're kicked out of the wedding for caring too much. Yes, you're sick, but I know if I were a bridesmaid it would take me a while to come around to that as the reason. I'd be very upset that you just kicked me out instead of taking one more chance to talk to me. You're going to have epic hurt feelings... and I really think you can avoid those hurt feelings very easily.

I only went to three years of Quaker school, but I remember a big message was treat other people as you would yourself and as you would God, as God made us all and we all have a piece of his spirit. I think it's more in line with Quaker values to keep your promises and not hurt these girls if at all possible, even at the sake of some simplicity.

I'd just tell your girls something like this, "Sorry if I've seemed unresponsive or will be in the future. I'm just very tired and ill. I trust all of you completely to make decisions on hair, makeup and accessories that best suit your own styles and I'm looking very forward to being surprised by them on my wedding day.
I want to make sure I'm at my best so I can celebrate with you on the day so I'm going to lay very low for the next few weeks and rest up. If you have any questions about wedding day logistics, my fiance will be happy to help. I can't wait to hang with you guys at my wedding!"

Turn your phone off and only check your email every so often. Don't ignore them completely, but don't feel compelled to respond to every single styling question if you've already told them "do you what you want."

aurianna

*sigh*

hockey20

If you and FI are really set and don't want a WP, I'd pull your girls aside and talk to them, let them know where things stand, find out if it's something that would be a problem. Let them know that it's not that you don't absolutely love and adore them all, definitely make sure that is clear. If you go this route, make sure you do something for them when you're feeling better, take them out to dinner, just something that says 'hey, thanks so much for understanding, you're truly awesome friends'. Though everyone else is right, you really cannot un-ask someone to be in your BP.

Now, if you've decided you're OK with a WP this could be a blessing. If your BM's really want to help, this is the time to sit and talk with them and find out where they are willing to help. Let them know you've been dog-tired and just sick as can be right now, so you've pretty much done as little as you can humanly get away with, any help they are willing to offer, would be fantastic, but don't expect help and don't start handing out tasks left and right.

Now, as for junior bridesmaids... if the niece really does love the idea of being junior bridesmaid, and she loves the junior in her title, it's all hers. I just about had a JBM in my own wedding, but my FI's niece (11 years old) is SUPER excited to be our FG. Title is not what matters, it's that they are standing up there with you, no matter their age. 

Peledreamsofrain

How are you more ok with publically slighting and shunning your bridal party than you are with just postponing the wedding for when you feel better?  I'm honestly confounded.

sarabopp

Thank you everyone for your input!  It is good to see in writing, what I knew in my gut- that I can not go back on having a BP. In the end, I know that it will be great t have a BP. I was at wits end for a few days and stressing myself out. I am much calmer now! And even feeling a teeny bit better (health wise).

In my original post, I did mean that a wedding party is NOT necessary. FI wants the Quaker-style wedding and I am trying to learn more about it to be respectful. I do not follow any organized religion. I am used to weddings being one way and he has another vision of weddings so we are figuring out how to communicate those visions to each other so that we are both happy.

I talked to my best friend and she is going to take care of some of the things that had me stressed. I think that she is more understanding now about how showing many options was wearing me down more. She has even taken the phone numbers of the other people in the bridal party to communicate directly with them. That alone felt like huge burden lifted!

I appreciate the comments from RetreadBride about the NC Quaker community and aurriana's message about what she learned in school. I certainly don't want to offend anyone. I think that the Quakers offer a beautiful message and am trying to live in positive way.

Hockey20- thanks for understanding that I'm not trying to put down my niece but rather celebrate her!

Peledreamsofrain- I came on here to get candid advice. I never planned on shunning the important people in my life. They would be supportive of any decision which is why I wanted them to stand for me in my wedding. Financially, it would cost a lot to postpone the wedding and a lot of people have already arranged flights, etc.

 I was confused about what to do and the comments were helpful to give me a different perspective from other ladies who are also deep in the wedding planning process. I am thankful for this forum!