The Great Cat Debate :-/

relliotts

A little backstory - I used to be married to someone I would classify as a borderline hoarder, including animals.  I grew up with animals and am an animal lover, but his "collecting" of animals was just way beyond anything I had ever experienced.  I tried to keep things as normal and sane as possible while I lived with him, but it was hard.  All in all, even though I am a huge animal lover, it just was not pleasant and when I left him I swore I would not have pets again because it had been way too much while I was with him and left me sort of traumatized.  Plus, I was in transition and didn't really have the stability for pets.  I haven't had a pet in about 5 years.

When I met SO, we were both of the mind that we didn't want pets.  Now, 5 years later, I've moved beyond being traumatized and realize that I really do miss having a cat.  My kids also really miss having a cat.  I am now in a stable place financially and with my housing, and would like to rescue a cat to add to my family.  Just one cat - not a horde of cats!  I have an opportunity to rescue a really nice 1 year old boy from a local rescue organization.  He's mellow and a total lover, and I would really like to adopt him.

SO does not like cats.  Actually, I think SO just has himself convinced he does not like cats, because any cat he knows in person he seems to get along with famously.  But he is insistent he hates them.  He is also mildly allergic.  He does not want me to get a cat, and he's pretty adamant about it.

SO does not live with me.  That will not happen for, at minimum, another year.  It's my house.  My children and I are the ones that have to live there, and would be sharing the house with the cat.  At the same time, I don't really feel like it's fair to just say "F you, SO, it's my house and I'm adopting a cat!" So... I'm not sure what to do here.  Any thoughts?

southernbelle0915

I can see it both ways - you're not engaged, you're not married, you're not living together, your kids want one, you want one, you found one you love... what's stopping you? But, if you're planning to move in w/ your SO and he is truly allergic, it's kind of a bad move.

FI was always talking junk about how he didn't like cats. "Cats are the worst, so boring and impersonal." Then along came a rescue kitty. They are in love. I'm hardly in the picture anymore (joking). Maybe take him to meet the cat, see what he thinks. 

itzMS

Since it appears that your SO and you are not married, you're right that what you do in your house is your choice.

That being said, like your SO, I get along with pretty much every animal (cats included). So does DH. Cats are a dealbreaker for us though. We aren't cat people and will never have one in our house. So just be prepared that your SO will not be thrilled and may not come around much anymore.

QueerFemme

Get a dog.

relliotts

LingerLonger1 said:

If you intend to stay with your SO for the long haul his input absolutely matters, and when it comes down to this there's no compromising so you will have to decide if your SO or having a cat is more important to you.  If you don't intent to stay with him long term get the cat.

Hehe the last line made me laugh out loud

Yeah, I know that logically.  Sigh.  I wouldn't ever just run out and get a pet of any sort without his input.  I think I just wanted to whine a little.

runpipparun

Liatris2010 said:

Why don't you foster a cat from a local rescue. It isn't a long term commitment, so you won't have to worry about SO living with a cat, but for now, you and the kiddos get a cat, and a cat gets a nice home while waiting for its forever home. Win-win-win.

I like this idea. I have friends who foster kittens every year. It's all they can take because they're allergic.

Otherwise, yeah... I dunno what I'd do. Depends on how much I liked the SO, because I loooooove my pets. I'm lucky my FI is a veterinarian. When I met him I had a dog and 2 cats. Now we have 3 dogs and two cats. It's GREAT!

relliotts

Liatris2010 said:

Why don't you foster a cat from a local rescue. It isn't a long term commitment, so you won't have to worry about SO living with a cat, but for now, you and the kiddos get a cat, and a cat gets a nice home while waiting for its forever home. Win-win-win.

That sounds like it might be a great compromise! I'll talk to him about it. Thanks!

Peledreamsofrain

My H was a devout dog person and swore he hated cats until the day Soma crammed herself onto his lap and 'talked' to him. He's smitten.

Jessa617

I feel your pain. I used to have 5 cats with my ex and miss them all terribly (the cats). I've asked H if we could get a kitten and he is absolutely adamant about not having one. He is also allergic. Allergic to the point where he would need shots. I've accepted the fact that I will never have a cat ever again, but we've compromised and have had other pets. Right now we have a hamster and we used to have ferrets as well.

relliotts

StageManager14 said:

How old are your kids?  I ask because fostering is wonderful, but it's pretty rough emotionally because you spend months and months with this animal, loving it, and then one day it's just gone.  I wouldn't put children through that.  

I do, however, think you need to have a long discussion with your SO about why he does not like/want a cat.  H swore he would never ever have a cat again after a bad roommate with one.  He was never a big pet person, didn't have them growing up, and hated the mess and the hair.  When we first got serious enough to move in together, he assumed I would leave my recently adopted kitten with my parents.  He was shocked when I informed him that where I went the cat went, and if that meant we continued dating while living in separate places for the next 20 years, then I could handle that.  

We've now been living together almost 8, have 2 cats of our own and have fostered 5 others, including a couple of baby strays dumped in our neighborhood this past winter.  I swear H loves those cats every bit as much as I do and has actually voluntarily taken over about 75% of their care.  I am NOT saying you should expect your SO to magically come around, but there really isn't a halfway between cat owner and non-cat owner.  You need to figure out a few things and then rationally approach the situation.

Has your SO ever lived with a cat before?  

What are his concerns about living with a cat?  Cost? Cleanliness? 

Are these concerns avoidable, i.e. the litter box is absolutely scooped daily, the furniture vacuumed regularly, etc?

How bad are his allergies?

Can they be easily treated or will he always have some level of suffering?

Is there a certain breed or pet other than a cat that won't trigger his allergies?

All in all, you need to take the idea of "it's my house" straight the fuck out of it and begin behaving as if you guys own it together in the case of long term decisions that affect you both.  Then you need to establish communication and guidelines for how to handle said decisions.  And at the end of the day, if he is adamant that he doesn't want a cat, you don't get to have a cat.  

My kids are 17 and 14, so older, and would understand the concept of fostering.  That being said, it would still be difficult and I would rather be able to have a pet that is "ours". 

SO has lived with cats.  In fact, he had cats growing up and speaks of them very fondly - but they were outdoor cats.  And he is perfectly fine with me having an outdoor cat, but I live on a busy road and don't want to put a cat at risk.  Plus, to me, one of the things I love about having a cat is being able to curl up with the cat on the couch or chair etc.  I want to interact with the cat in my daily life.  I want it to be part of the family.

He also lived with a roommate for a few years who had cats.  One of the things that he brings up when we talk about his distaste for cats is that one of these cats had a health issue that caused it to vomit fairly often.  He would then find the vomit by stepping on it etc.  Not pleasant, which I totally get.  I don't know enough about the situation to say whether the issue could have been avoided had the cat owner been more diligent.  I just know this soured SO on cats.

His allergies are not that severe.  In fact, he hangs out in homes where dogs/cats reside for extended periods of time without having any issues.  When they do act up, they're manageable with loratadine.  He doesn't like taking loratadine because it makes him feel "dried out".  I can't blame him for that. 

 

runpipparun

relliotts said:

StageManager14 said:

How old are your kids?  I ask because fostering is wonderful, but it's pretty rough emotionally because you spend months and months with this animal, loving it, and then one day it's just gone.  I wouldn't put children through that.  

I do, however, think you need to have a long discussion with your SO about why he does not like/want a cat.  H swore he would never ever have a cat again after a bad roommate with one.  He was never a big pet person, didn't have them growing up, and hated the mess and the hair.  When we first got serious enough to move in together, he assumed I would leave my recently adopted kitten with my parents.  He was shocked when I informed him that where I went the cat went, and if that meant we continued dating while living in separate places for the next 20 years, then I could handle that.  

We've now been living together almost 8, have 2 cats of our own and have fostered 5 others, including a couple of baby strays dumped in our neighborhood this past winter.  I swear H loves those cats every bit as much as I do and has actually voluntarily taken over about 75% of their care.  I am NOT saying you should expect your SO to magically come around, but there really isn't a halfway between cat owner and non-cat owner.  You need to figure out a few things and then rationally approach the situation.

Has your SO ever lived with a cat before?  

What are his concerns about living with a cat?  Cost? Cleanliness? 

Are these concerns avoidable, i.e. the litter box is absolutely scooped daily, the furniture vacuumed regularly, etc?

How bad are his allergies?

Can they be easily treated or will he always have some level of suffering?

Is there a certain breed or pet other than a cat that won't trigger his allergies?

All in all, you need to take the idea of "it's my house" straight the fuck out of it and begin behaving as if you guys own it together in the case of long term decisions that affect you both.  Then you need to establish communication and guidelines for how to handle said decisions.  And at the end of the day, if he is adamant that he doesn't want a cat, you don't get to have a cat.  

My kids are 17 and 14, so older, and would understand the concept of fostering.  That being said, it would still be difficult and I would rather be able to have a pet that is "ours". 

SO has lived with cats.  In fact, he had cats growing up and speaks of them very fondly - but they were outdoor cats.  And he is perfectly fine with me having an outdoor cat, but I live on a busy road and don't want to put a cat at risk.  Plus, to me, one of the things I love about having a cat is being able to curl up with the cat on the couch or chair etc.  I want to interact with the cat in my daily life.  I want it to be part of the family.

He also lived with a roommate for a few years who had cats.  One of the things that he brings up when we talk about his distaste for cats is that one of these cats had a health issue that caused it to vomit fairly often.  He would then find the vomit by stepping on it etc.  Not pleasant, which I totally get.  I don't know enough about the situation to say whether the issue could have been avoided had the cat owner been more diligent.  I just know this soured SO on cats.

His allergies are not that severe.  In fact, he hangs out in homes where dogs/cats reside for extended periods of time without having any issues.  When they do act up, they're manageable with loratadine.  He doesn't like taking loratadine because it makes him feel "dried out".  I can't blame him for that. 

 

Aaahh, my FI had cats with his ex, and they had bad potty habits, as in, they went outside the box a lot. They were also pretty nasty. He was skeptical of cats as pets in general when he met me, but I knew he'd like mine. (I raised my cats by the Kittens for Dummies book when I adopted them, and they're SUPER sweet. Never bite or scratch... Awesome kitties.) He's fallen in love with my guys. He says they're the best cats ever. He even loves trimming their nails because they're super docile.

You just have to have the right cat, and make sure it gets some exercise.

But I'd have to ask about the vomiting issue. Probably nothing more than hairballs. Butter clears that up better than anything, according to FI's boss.

Blue & White

I actually am allergic to cats and my allergies started off mild. Last Christmas, my lip started swelling up after a visit to my now fi's house. Aka much more severe reaction than "mild".

I would just keep In mind that a cat could be reason enough for your bf to stay away. Not now, but maybe later if the allergies intensify.

lyndsay782

My FI claimed he disliked cats when we started dating. Then he met Princess.  No one ever successfully dislikes Princess.  It's impossible.  My cat is awesome.  She claimed him as her other human after our 4th sleepover, and now considers him "dad".  Especially when she needs food/treats/attention and I'm busy.  

Once I came home and managed to catch them full on asleep together...  One of my favorite pictures ever. 

Jessa617

I'd be careful with butter. The fat content is not good for cats. I'd also recommend keeping cats indoors. There's a lot that can happen to a cat outside that you have no control over. Bigger animals, vehicles, diseases, weather etc etc.

Jessa617

I second Stage on this ^ Vomiting can be caused by a slew of problems/diseases. It can really be anything. The only thing to confirm what is the cause is x-rays and bloodwork, and even then sometimes it's difficult to find the source.

GetThePointe77

I'm not entirely sure if this is good advice, but my vet told me to give my cat vaseline if she had hairballs (she would VERY occasionally, it wasnt a big chronic problem, if youre having a big issue with this I would suggest you get them checked out). I would scoop a bit on my finger, and weirdly enough my cat would just lick it off without any fuss. It might be worth a try. 

TKzilla

I will never understand why people think they can dole out medical advice for pets when they are doctors... I get talking about training tips and stuff but... if you aren't a vet, don't be telling people what someone else told you to do for your animal. It's not safe.

d2va

I have two cats and a dog, so I too... would feel like I needed an animal. 

The suggestions to foster are great! You would be saving lives and helping out your local humane society or rescue.

My only concern about you just getting a cat and binging it home is that if and when you will move in together... he will say that he doesnt want to keep the cat, and then what would you do? Surrender it to animal services so it would be put to death?  

Peledreamsofrain

The only thing I've ever given to my cat was cod liver oil, and that's only to one cat that has surgical scars in her stomach that make hair management difficult on occasion.

Any other cat that starts vomiting all over the place in my house goes straight to the doc. Soma gets a day after a dose, then goes if she doesn't improve.

relliotts

This thread has lived on much longer than I expected it to!

Just to clarify, the vomiting cat was not mine or SO's.  It belonged to an old roommate of his, and is part of what has helped to form his opinion of cats in general.  I have no idea how it was/was not treated medically.  If I had a pet that was vomiting, I would take it to the vet.

I would never, ever just bring a cat home without having some sort of meeting of the minds with SO.  It hasn't happened yet and is appearing unlikely to, so I guess that means no cat.

MuppetFan

At this point in my life, a cat would've been a deal breaker to me. When dating online, I actually omitted anyone who showed evidence of a cat on their profile. When talking to someone and I found they had a cat, it quickly fizzled.

Firstly, I'm highly allergic and end up with serious asthma. But in addition to that, cats I've lived with threw up a lot, had TONS more hair than dogs, weren't cuddly (except for one), peed on things.. I know there are cats that are perfectly fine but i just don't like them.

If I was with someone that got one when they knew I was against them, I'd break it off. They can find someone that appreciates cats.

The allergies are a pretty huge factor here tho.

MuppetFan

I hear ya.

My one exception to hating cats was one I rescued that was basically a dog. I loved him.

But he still marked our couch, puked a lot, CRIED because he was a food addict and wanted more, stole the dog's food, got me to the point where I had to get him a bowl meant for a german shepherd and put 1/4 cup of food in it at a time with toys to make him slow down when he was eating.

I almost took him back when I moved back from CA but I spent 5 minutes in a room with him and I couldn't breathe. That's when I realized that my years of asthma didn't simply go away because I moved to CA....it was because I left the cat.

relliotts

MuppetFan said:

At this point in my life, a cat would've been a deal breaker to me. When dating online, I actually omitted anyone who showed evidence of a cat on their profile. When talking to someone and I found they had a cat, it quickly fizzled.

Firstly, I'm highly allergic and end up with serious asthma. But in addition to that, cats I've lived with threw up a lot, had TONS more hair than dogs, weren't cuddly (except for one), peed on things.. I know there are cats that are perfectly fine but i just don't like them.

If I was with someone that got one when they knew I was against them, I'd break it off. They can find someone that appreciates cats.

The allergies are a pretty huge factor here tho.

I totally understand this, and these are actually a lot of his reasons too. 

One thing I am sort of struggling with is that it's not just cats - as I am finding out, this sort of encompasses all animals for him.  So a dog is also out of the question, as are most other pets.  He has his reasons, and I can't really fault him for the fact that he is just not an animal person, but at the same time I am struggling with the idea of never having a pet ever again.  Aside from the last about 5 years since my divorce, I've never not had a pet. 

Viczaesar

Lobster1987 said:

I say, get the cat. You are not engaged, you have no immediate plans to move in together. Get the kitty, but do remember you will be his furrrrever home, and please don't get rid of him if you decided to marry SO. This cat will be a part of your family for the remainder of his life.

 

ETA: I have three cats...yep...Cat lady in the making My FI knew this coming into it that I am a package deal, and he is perfectly okay with it. He has grown to love my cats, even though they sometimes have difficult personalities.

Doesn't getting the cat pretty much preclude her marrying him while the cat is still alive?

Ajuliana

FI's brother married SIL and she had two cats.  They were all a happy family until they decided to have a baby, and got rid of the cats.  They literally posted it on facebook, dropped them off at some people's house, and never checked in on them again.  I don't even like cats, but I just thought that was the most screwed up thing ever.  

...now they want a puppy.  

Chipmunk415

FI and I adopted his late aunt's rescued cats. The one who hissed at me during first meeting is now my cuddle bug baby. The one who let me hold her is now a total daddy's girl and mostly comes to me just for food. She also hates being picked up now, and wants attention "on her terms." I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm the one that does the brushing, combing, holds her down to check ears, paws, teeth, and eyes (she has a bit of an issue with too many tears in one eye, and both previously had ear infections). I'm also responsible for checking claws. Every time she complains, I meow/complain back at her. She was alpha kitty, and is finally starting to realize she's not the alpha girl anymore.

She did manage to scare the crap out of my dad at their first meeting (involves him turning around to see mini tiger (shes a tabby) LEAPING up at the cat stand platform right next to him at the window). She loves to get and give attention when we're laying in bed.

Next bath time, I'm having a friend record the chaos, and will attempt to post here or on a new thread.

[Deleted User]

Man, my cat is awesome.  I'm the only person she likes and that is JUST FINE with me.

My kitty Eleanor is what I refer to as a "preexisting cat."  I had her for a few years before I even met FI.  He's slightly allergic (to be honest, I think he's gotten used to it.  He was really sniffly in the beginning and not so much anymore), but mostly just HATES CATS.  Absolutely hates them, and would probably be thrilled if Ellie disappeared.  The feeling is mutual.  He's the only person she's ever hissed at.

 

But she's not going anywhere. I love her too much.  We had a big blowup at the beginning of our relationship and he realized how much it woudl crush me.  So while he hates her, and is open about that, he'd never ask me to get rid of her.  We've just had to compromise.  She used to sleep in bed with me.  Not anymore.  We have a giant basement in the new house.  It's a walkout. I put her table in front of the windows so she can look outside.  When we're not there or asleep, she hangs out down there.  She has a tendency to get into stuff if we're not there-- I caught her on the counter.  Bad kitty.

The point is: The cat was already there.  But if I had met FI first? No. I wouldn't have gotten a cat. I would've been really sad, but I wouldn't have gotten an animal he hates and is allergic to.