Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Brother standing in for Parents who have passed.

I lost my father in 2010 and my mother last summer. My wonderful brother will be giving me away in their place and since I can not have a father-daughter dance, I will be sharing this dance with him. I have no idea what song to choose for this. The only one I can think of will literally leave us in a ball of tears on the floor (Dance with My Father Again by Luther Vandross). Has anyone encountered this and have any suggestions?
Thank you,
Samantha

Re: Brother standing in for Parents who have passed.

  • I burst into tears during every father/daughter dance at weddings because of this. My wonderful brother-in-law will be giving me away, but I've elected not to have any kind of dance with a stand-in would-be father figure. It would be way too upsetting, doing it and actively noticing it's not my dad I'm dancing with.

    If you feel like the dance would upset you too much, I advise not doing it.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    @samantha91275, Are you 100% positive that your brother will want to do the dance? Remember, that the "spotlight" dances are not required. DH & I both have complicated family situations, so we skipped the dances entirely. No one missed them.
  • If you're worried about it being an overly emotional moment, you could look into doing a more funny/goofy song. I just went to a wedding where the groom and his mom danced to Chubby Checker's The Twist instead of a more emotional song and just had fun with it. 

    It fit their personalities and was very cute. 
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  • I'm very sorry to hear about your parents' passing. I think it's beautiful that your brother is there for you during this special time, and I think whatever you both agree on will be perfect. I think if I was in your shoes I would want the dance, but I agree with what others said in that you should be certain and sure you can handle it that day, and if not, there's nothing wrong with that at all. Best of luck!
  • I know how you feel! My father passed away in the Scottish military when I was a year old. Therefore, my brother will be standing in for him when I do the father/daughter dance. My choice of music is ' I loved her first'. However, I believe that your parents would be proud of you - whatever you choose to do. So talk it over with your brother and see what he thinks, before rehearsing it if you can. Best of luck! :)
  • My parents have passed so my brother gave me away. We didn't have a dance but he did give a speech. In it he told my husband that he knows in his heart that our parents would be proud to call him a son as he was proud to call him brother. I still get misty thinking about it and trust me I cried when he said it. Just wait until you have to deal with inlaws, it makes being an orphan feel like you got the bad end of the bargain. Surely my occasional crying for my late parents isn't as bad as dealing with his.
  • I feel the exact same way. My dad passed away when I was 15. My oldest brother is giving me away in October and I thought of doing a dance with him, but I think it would hurt too much. So we are skipping it altogether. And my fiancee doesn't want me to feel left out so he isn't doing a dance with his mom. He explained the situation to her and she's going along with it. I just think the day will be hard enough without him, I don't want to dance with someone else and think "god, I wish this was my daddy."
  • wabanziwabanzi member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    I've lost both of my parents as well.  We decided on a "family dance" with five couples on the dance floor that will follow immediately after our first dance.  

    It will be a single song song in which FI will dance with his mother, while I dance with his father, then we switch partners --FI with his stepmother, me with his stepfather, then we end with me and my brother, him with his sister. The song is longish, so it will be a little over a minute with each partner. 

    We liked this solution.  It takes the spotlight off of me missing my parents, and pays tribute to all four of his.  We each have only one sibling, so it works out.

    If I were to just stand by and watch him dance with his parents, I think I would lose it. I already know I will be missing my mother so much on that day. Therefore, I would rather highlight the family I am gaining.
    20130121-125529.jpg 
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  • SandraSandra member
    5 Love Its First Comment

    I´m so sorry for your lost, and I do understand how important is for you to remember you father and Mother that day. The idea that your brother gives you away in the altar is greater.

    However I will avoid the dance. It is hard enough to do it with your dad in front of you, I can´t imagine how it will be if is not actually there. 

  • wabanzi said:
    I've lost both of my parents as well.  We decided on a "family dance" with five couples on the dance floor that will follow immediately after our first dance.  

    It will be a single song song in which FI will dance with his mother, while I dance with his father, then we switch partners --FI with his stepmother, me with his stepfather, then we end with me and my brother, him with his sister. The song is longish, so it will be a little over a minute with each partner. 

    We liked this solution.  It takes the spotlight off of me missing my parents, and pays tribute to all four of his.  We each have only one sibling, so it works out.

    If I were to just stand by and watch him dance with his parents, I think I would lose it. I already know I will be missing my mother so much on that day. Therefore, I would rather highlight the family I am gaining.
    I love the idea of combining both! 
  • My brothers are standing in for my father who passed away suddenly when we were children. We're using Rainbow Connection since The Muppet Movie was so big in our house when we were little.    Whatever you choose, I recommend listening to it a few times.   I'm still breaking down every time I hear it....and have 50 or so days til my wedding.....
  • Louis Armstrong - Wonderful Life???
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