dramaz to liven up the board

cgyvhu

I'd love some opinions/advice on some recent WR dramaz in my life...

I'm in a wedding in June.  There is a MOH, another BM, and me.  BM1 offered to plan the bachelorette, and I'm busy as is MOH so that was all fine.  But BM1 took a month's vacation abroad, and has been MIA.  I emailed her regarding planning the bachelorette plans awhile ago, no response.

A week ago, the bride's fiance emails everyone saying "bachelorette/bachelor parties are may 13th in Vegas".  #1 - 4 weeks notice is not that much .  #2 - it's $500 just to fly and I can't afford that.  #3 I leave for China a week later, so that much travel will drain me.  So I replied saying I can't go, and told the bride we could do something else the week of the wedding but not Vegas.  Apparently, the other girls all felt the same way.  I already told the bride I'd take charge of a smaller bachelorette the week of the wedding in Boston, and emailed everyone about that.

This morning, the brides fiance emails me, MOH, BM1 and a couple other friends and chews us out for not going to Vegas.  His direct words were "You better figure out a way to make this up to her."

Am I wrong for thinking he is WAY out of line for emailing me?  I think it's not his business to get involved in and that even if it was, I'm not obligated to plan anything as a bridesmaid.  Or am I being a brat?

Also, wwyd now?  My plan is to not respond.  Would you respond? do something else?

jlbaxter33

That dude sounds like an *ss. First of all, who says, this is when my b-party is and it is in Vegas?? You can't do that! I think that is ridiculous.

Did you call the bride and explain the situation, or did you email? Email, as I'm sure you know, can be misinterpreted, so you may want to call her and clear the air. I wonder how many girls she has going to Vegas?

I'd be so annoyed if I was you. Eff that guy. he sucks.

needavacation

Wow. 

Um, you don't have to make anything up to anyone.  Last time I checked, agreeing to be a bridesmaid does not mean agreeing to any command performance in any part of the country that the bride or groom demand.  Yikes.

As I see it, you have two options.  The smart option would probably be to let the email slide and continue to discuss the alternate local bachelorette plans with bride, which will hopefully reassure her that you still want to share in the celebration with her, you just can't rearrange your life and your finances for this particular party.

Now, I've never been known for picking the non-confrontational option, so I would probably respond to the groom.  Let's give him the benefit of the doubt & assume that he's at home with a weepy bride (-zilla?) and he's just feeling protective.  Whatever.  That doesn't change the fact that you have nothing to feel bad about.  In a very polite way, I would make it clear to him that you want to do whatever you can to make this time special for your friend, but this is just not something you can do.  You're sorry if she's upset but you do not owe her anything other than your friendship and to be there for her on one of the biggest days of her life.   Anything else (wedding dress shopping, helping to address invitations, pre-wedding parties) are extra and should be appreciated, not demanded. 

::steps down off soapbox::

I am so glad I've been married 5 years & I have just one friend left to get married.  I forgot about all the pre-wedding drama!  Good luck!!

pantherRN

M, I'd be pissed. He's way out of line for more than one reason. He shouldn't have just decided that the b-parties were in Vegas, he should have given more notice, and he shouldn't have emailed you chewing you out.

That said, I would call the bride and talk to her. See if she feels the same way he does and then take it from there. I would not respond to him.

In the end, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. She should understand that. I think trying to do something the week of, in Boston, is a great idea and should be more than fine.

cgyvhu

Thanks guys, I was starting to think I went crazy.  I've gchatted with the bride about the Boston option and she seemed ok with it, but i'll call her too - that's a good idea.

J and B- none of the girls are going to vegas... no one could make it work on that short notice! And I feel bad that Vegas isn't happening, but I don't see it as my fault, nor as my obligation to ensure everyone scrapes money together for vegas.  I'm happy to plan something that fits everyone's budgets and time schedules...which would be Boston, week of.

pantherRN

I think it is a great idea to call her. Like J said, internet communication can be misinterpreted.

gmc22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_dramaz-liven-up-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:9459c40b-5d5c-4734-a056-e0da18a2ff86Post:1a6e699f-0c85-4ad8-baaf-dcce46112c98">Re: dramaz to liven up the board</a>:
[QUOTE]That dude sounds like an *ss. First of all, who says, this is when my b-party is and it is in Vegas?? You can't do that! I think that is ridiculous.<strong> Did you call the bride and explain the situation, or did you email? </strong>Email, as I'm sure you know, can be misinterpreted, so you may want to call her and clear the air. I wonder how many girls she has going to Vegas? I'd be so annoyed if I was you. Eff that guy. he sucks.
Posted by jlbaxter33[/QUOTE]

This. I would call your friend and explain your situation to her. One of two things are going on here - either 1) your friend is truly upset and voiced her opinion to her FI and he, in turn, emailed you  or  2) your friend said nothing to her FI but he felt the need to email/call and yell on her behalf.

IMHO, this guy is a total a-hole and doesn't deserve your time (i.e. response) however, I do think you should call your friend and talk with her over the phone rather than email - words get misconstrued very easily over print.

I honestly don't think you should feel bad for not being able to go. IMO it's unreasonable to ask people to spend that much money on such short notice (if at all)... So sorry you are going through this!

Flowerstar1023

I didn't read the other comments on here yet, but I'd be super upset about the email from her fiance and the idea that you could just rearrange your schedule with 4 weeks notice (not to mention your finances). I would CALL the bride about not being able to go to Vegas and NOT RESPOND to any more emails from the fiance. 

What is up with all of these people who suddenly decide that since they're getting married they can act like brats and throw temper tantrums? "It's my day, it's my day..." Okay, sort of but every other day that doesn't come with months worth of notice is negotiable in my opinion and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about having a life that can't drop everything for an expensive last minute trip. This shouldn't be the litmus test for friendship, bridesmaid or not. /rant over

Good luck!

carcrashheart

Did I completely read this wrong-I must have-I thought you said BM1 was planning the Bach party. So where did this Vegas idea come from?

If it hadn't been discussed prior to the email that went out with the details, then I would not feel obligated. That's a lot of money to expect everyone to spend and it deserves advanced notice/planning. Two weeks is not enough!

cgyvhu

cch - BM1 was supposed to plan the party, in Vegas.  But then left the country on short notice for a month and didnt respond to my emails asking about a firm date.  The first time I got a firm date was 6 days ago for ~3 weeks from that date.

thanks guys, i feel better about it all.  I know when ppl get close to their wedding stress runs high - I was just thinking that either I was crazy or that was out of line.

MRads

That's crazy.  This is exactly the behavior that makes me hates weddings.  I'm curious as to what will happen as the wedding gets closer.  Keep us updated!

carlyanne05

Yikes!  I feel your pain...I once was placed in a similar situation and it escalated to the point of me dropping out of my best friend's wedding because of how I was treated and the two of us not speaking for a year and a half (there were many factors that all lead to this)!  I don't regret voicing my concerns about her FI and the situation but I do regret a year and a half of lost friendship, missing out on her wedding and the birth of her first baby.  I would suggest just talking directly to your friend.  I hope it all goes smoothly for you!