Drama continues

[Deleted User]

I feel like i'm the only one dealing with something like this.  I have way too many opinions from people that aren't contributing financially, and should have no say yet it keeps coming up and getting worse.  So here is the run down; my parents are paying for the wedding ceremony, and reception. 115 guests, only 5 people above the age of 12 and younger then 18 are invited.  No kids otherwise.  fiancee is paying for the rehearsal dinner, not his mom. We told everyone no kids in August of last year, recently its been coming to our attention that no one was paying attention to what we had said.  Our jack and jill shower is in July, small and intimate.  His family members all want to bring kids.... WHY DO YOU WANT KIDS AT THE BRIDAL SHOWER? COME ON?!?!?! This has been driving me insane.  My sister and Aunt are hosting the Bridal Shower, and if kids were to come that's 16 total. Im not sure, but to me that sounds more like a kids birthday then a bridal shower.  Well a few nights ago a huge argument happened, and my fiancée broke down and told me that all this drama with his family trying to rule the situation is giving him migranes, and he even suggested that we just elope because the drama has just gotten out of hand.  I feel so bad for him, and don't know what to physically do.  I want to protect him, but he doesn't want me to stand up to his family.  I asked him to say something to everyone, yet I think he is scared of the conversation.  I am really bothered by their need to want to control the situation.  I understand this is about his nieces and nephew, but honestly why would we want a bunch of hyper kids on the dance floor.  We want our day to be ours, and not have to be watching the kids.  I sound selfish, but its our wedding day.  WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR DAY!  My parents and family are totally supportive of the no children at the ceremony, wedding and other bridal activities.  For whatever reason, his family just is trying to push their demands into every corner.  With all this negativity, I feel as if they don't support us, and im really sad to say that if they continue this behavior they will lose their son and brother... not my words his.  Am I the only one going through this stuff?

 

Peledreamsofrain

I'm a bit confused as to WHO exactly is insisting on the kids and who is hosting the wedding.  That will change my answer a lot.

Here's the thing with money: it comes with strings and control.  If the people who are financing the wedding are the ones who are insisting on children, then I'm sorry, you don't get to tell people how to spend their money.   It may be 'your day', but it's their blood, sweat, and tears, along with years of hard work that earned that money.  They have a right to say how it's spent.  For a wedding that you have 100% the right to control, you pay for it yourself.

Now, if the scenario is that your parents are not hosting (ie have nothing to do with planning and just tossed cash at you) and are not the ones requesting the kids, then that is the point where you have the right to put your put down.  You are not alone with family members trying to control weddings.  It happens to nearly every single bride.  I know it happened to me.

The secret is to share less details with everyone, and be firm (but not aggressive or crazy).  "I'm sorry, no" is short, and irrefutable.

[Deleted User]

My parents are paying for the wedding. 

His sisters, brother, and mother are the ones who need the kids to come, to all events.

 

Its funny, we said no. We've said no to a lot of things, yet some people still think they can push through that.

MuppetFan

Asha3988 said:

I feel like i'm the only one dealing with something like this.  I have way too many opinions from people that aren't contributing financially, and should have no say yet it keeps coming up and getting worse.  So here is the run down; my parents are paying for the wedding ceremony, and reception. 115 guests, only 5 people above the age of 12 and younger then 18 are invited.  No kids otherwise.  fiancee is paying for the rehearsal dinner, not his mom. We told everyone no kids in August of last year, recently its been coming to our attention that no one was paying attention to what we had said.  Our jack and jill shower is in July, small and intimate.  His family members all want to bring kids.... WHY DO YOU WANT KIDS AT THE BRIDAL SHOWER? COME ON?!?!?! This has been driving me insane.  My sister and Aunt are hosting the Bridal Shower, and if kids were to come that's 16 total. Im not sure, but to me that sounds more like a kids birthday then a bridal shower.  Well a few nights ago a huge argument happened, and my fiancée broke down and told me that all this drama with his family trying to rule the situation is giving him migranes, and he even suggested that we just elope because the drama has just gotten out of hand.  I feel so bad for him, and don't know what to physically do.  I want to protect him, but he doesn't want me to stand up to his family.  I asked him to say something to everyone, yet I think he is scared of the conversation.  I am really bothered by their need to want to control the situation.  I understand this is about his nieces and nephew, but honestly why would we want a bunch of hyper kids on the dance floor.  We want our day to be ours, and not have to be watching the kids.  I sound selfish, but its our wedding day.  WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR DAY!  My parents and family are totally supportive of the no children at the ceremony, wedding and other bridal activities.  For whatever reason, his family just is trying to push their demands into every corner.  With all this negativity, I feel as if they don't support us, and im really sad to say that if they continue this behavior they will lose their son and brother... not my words his.  Am I the only one going through this stuff?

 

Just say no and change the subject.  Refuse to let anyone discuss it with you. You have power over that.

NYCMercedes

As far as invitations to the wedding, only invite the adults. If people ask about kids, say no. Same for the rehearsal dinner. You didn't say who was hosting the shower, but it is up to the hosts to Invite only the adults. That all said, your FI needs to bring this up with his mom, explain his issue, and put his foot down. Your family is different from mine, of course, but if our mom told us to lay off a sibling about a certain subject, we would.

wittykitty14

Also, even though you're not hosting the shower, you're still within your right to make the guest list (within reason of the hosts budget constraints).  If you don't want children there, that's OK.  You're allowed to say no to that too.  Plus, it makes perfect sense not to invite them to the shower, since they're not invited to the wedding. 

AddieCake

Every time you say no, you need to change the subject and/or also say "this topic is closed."  I understand your fiance not wanting to speak up and upset his family. However, if he won't do it for this, is he also not going to do it when you want to buy a house and his family has comments, suggestions, ideas of their own, etc?  When you have kids? Do they plan to butt in with the parenting while he sits idly by?  

MairePoppy

You should encourage your Fi to grow a backbone. If he doesn't, his family is going to ride roughshod over the two of you, every time they don't agree with your decisions. This is a great time to get some relationship counseling, so he can learn how to draw some boundaries for his family. 

The people who are paying for the shower and the wedding get to decide on the guest list and whether or not children will be included. Your FILs need to understand that. One question though - are the children in question close to your Fi? I wonder if he wants some of those children there and that is why he's having a problem with the 'No' word.

pink34562000

Since your parents are paying and they are fine with a no kid wedding, you don't have to invite kids. Now since your in-laws are not paying, they have no say in how you spend your money and make sure you don't accept any money or anything from them in regards to the wedding because they may feel entitled to change your plans.

The challenging part is the invitations, but it can easily be resolved with correct wording. Let's say Mr and Mrs. Smith have 4 kids, and you only want to invite the parents. This is how you will address the invitations and response cards.

First on the envelope, address it to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. If you address it to the Smith family, you will be including the kids.

Next, the response card wording would say.

We have reserved 2 seats for Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.
Mr John Smith  _____accepts   _____ declines
Mrs John Smith  _____accepts   _____ declines

You may have people contact you or write in extra people. If this is the case, you can say "I'm sorry, but the invitation is meant for you and your husband. But, we would love to invite you, your husband and the kids over sometime after the wedding." Most people will understand and respect your decision. You may have a few people back out if they can't bring their kids.