Need to vent - etiquette related

jcrmc

FI has 4 nieces/nephews. One is his brothers from a past relationship, and she lives with her mom (is 7). Before asking any of the kids to be in the WP, we asked the parents for permission first. In the case of this little girl, I asked her dad (FIs Bro) to please clear it with her mom before I asked. He came back and said it was OK, so I went ahead and asked, and she was pleased as punch!! Yay, right?

About a month or so ago I had two dresses for her to try on, and we picked one tentatively, unless I could find one that better coordinated with the other girls. A week after that, dad texts me that her mom wants to get going on buying shoes and wants to know what I wanted (black or white or red sandals or shoes...im easy!)

Fast forward to tonight, when I came home and checked the mail and found the RSVP card from her mom was written as both she AND the daughter were not attending. Told FI to get on the phone to his bro NOW and find out what is going on!!

Turns out mom is pissed that WE (FI and myself) didnt go to her directly for permission, and is therefore not letting her be in the wedding or even GO. FIs bro says he will be telling her that daughter WILL be going as HIS daughter, and if she (mom) does not want to go that is her business.

I love all the nieces and nephews that we have (6 between us) and they all have a part in the wedding...oldest niece is my BM (my sis as MoH), the oldest nephews are one year apart and will be walking the moms down the aisle to their seats, the two little girls (7 and 5) are flower girls, and the youngest nephew (5) is the ring bearer. It would break my heart to have ONE of the kids not be in the wedding. She was really looking forward to it, it seemed to me anyway, and this is just mean.

Mom of niece has NEVER liked my FI. He is blue-collar, doesnt take shit from ppl, and she just has it in for him. I have never had issues with her on the few occasions (family dinners etc) and she has been pleasant enough.

What the hell do I do if FBIL cant make the mom come to her senses? My FI told his bro that if niece isnt at/in wedding, he will never be in the same room as her mom ever again.

This just really sucks. Had a hard enough day seeing my friends newborn girl who might not make it more than a couple days, and then to come home to this....ugh....sorry for the lengthy ramble.....and for bad spelling..my apostrophe key is broken!

courtneythesquid

It's really sad that she would prevent her daughter from participating in something she was so excited about.  But the bottom line is, you haven't done anything wrong, and it's not a situation you have any control over.  If it would make you feel better, you could call the mother and tell her that it was never your intention to offend her, and you are sorry if you did. But this does not sound like a reasonable woman, I suspect that she has shown her true colors, and nothing you can say can make her behave in a rational manner.  I also suspect that something like this was going to go down sooner or later, some people just go looking for trouble.

It sounds like you are under a ton of stress right now, I'm so sorry!  Hang in there, and keep in mind the serenity prayer... there are some things you just cannot change, and you have to let go.

amalama

Does he have partial custody? If he does, do you know yet who's weekend it will be? If it's his, then the whole thing is no problem. If it's her's, even though I don't think you did anything wrong, maybe you should call the woman and apologize if there was any confusion, and say that you and niece were both really looking forward to her being a part of the wedding. If that doesn't work, I think you're kind of stuck, even though it sucks. I would still get her whatever gifts you were planning on so she knows you didn't intentionally leave her out.

clg1213

While you do NOT have to do it, it might help if you called the mom and said you got your wires crossed and were sorry you hadn't spoken directly. Mention that the girl was excited and you wanted to see what you could do to help see that she gets to join the celebration and gets to feel like family (though the last part is tricky and might not work....mom may not WANT her to feel part of the other family, although one would hope she'd understand the importance!).  Throw in some of the reasons you love the girl....always helps to praise a kid when you are talking to their parent! 

It isn't something you need to do at all, you've done nothing wrong.  But from the sound of things, it might help accomplish the goal of having the niece in the wedding.  I hope your wedding turns out lovely!  It sounds like the type of ceremony where even the most removed guests just smile the whole time since it is such a celebration of family and life.

daisey18

jcrmc said

 Had a hard enough day seeing my friends newborn girl who might not make it more than a couple days, and then to come home to this...

  "this" seems pretty unimportant, considering the above sentence. Unless maybe you are a NICU nurse and used to it.

 It sounds like your FI really dislikes your nieces mother- I would wonder if that more than anything else is contributing to her withdrawing her permission. As a mother, she may not want her daughter bonding with someone who may be talking crap about her behind her back- it's enough of a pain to deal with an ex who hates you, let alone the exes BROTHER.

BTW- I am NOT saying that your FI ever would say something nasty about her within the kids earshot- I'm saying that the mother might know just enough idiots to worry about it. It's hard for people to consider that other adults will act with respect when they know those other adults dislike them. I hope you're able to talk with her and work this out.

jcrmc

So apparently the mom is upset because she believes in the tradition of the bride asking the mom of the flower girl for permission to ask the girl herself....I have never heard of this tradition...I *did* ask one of the parents (dad) and asked him to clear it with the mom before I asked the girl...which apparently he did, but there was some sort of confusion, and now she wants me to formally ask her for permission.

Fine. Whatever. I will. It just pisses me off that a) she never said anything to anyone until now and b) she even asked the dad to ask me what kind of shoes to purchase to go with the dress...ugh. Just another little headache. I know people have way worse s**t than this to deal with in their wedding...one of my bosses at work has in-law issues rising that are causing major strife - and they get married in 21 days!!

Im SO glad I love FI as much as I do...I never want to have to plan another wedding again!! lol


(as for the baby thing, daisey18, we knew about the birth defect for months and I had myself steeled for the day so I could be strong for my friend...coming home to the rsvp just made me lose it emotionally - the proverbial straw, as it were)

LAM524

I see nothing wrong with your approach. In the least, being that she is your FL brothers daughter, it was convenient! She is choosing to make an issue out of this and NOT putting the child first! If your FBIL can't make this work, maybe you can give her a call...apologize for "not thinking"  and site the convenience factor. I hope she is just bluffing, although knotties have pointed out to me that people don't change just because of a wedding and you've said there have been adult issues (something is off if she has already purchased things). If you approach, keep in mind it may be personal and she may not care how you and FI feel about her daughter.  I would make it all about her 7 year old who already knows and would be heart broken otherwise.

It might help if in your approach you dont treat it as an "issue." Hi so and so, I am so sorry we didnt contact you first. In all the excitement, we just asked so and so to make sure it was ok with you. So & so (niece) is so excited to be in the wedding. What type of shoes did you end up getting her?"

Curious...she responded that both her and her daughter won't be attending. Did you invite her?

jcrmc

Ended up sending a card to her, saying i was sorry about the miscommunication etc. Have not heard back as yet.

Both daughter and mom were invited - would not have excluded mother unless there was serious reason to ie: baaaaaaaad relationship with father of her child aka FBIL. They are still friendly - they met each other thru FI and FBILs uncle.

FBIL has assured FI that she (kid) will be there - I just really dont want to give the mom any reason to hate FI/me more than she already does (dislikes me because she dislikes FI from years ago thru no fault of his own...she just thought he was beneath her etc...but whatever)