A poll on sensitivity, to see if I'm crazy

ReturnOfKuus

Here is a post from ML:

I have body issues, hell, most of us do. I've been the brunt of many jokes all of my life about my weight, and its always been a sore spot. H knows that I have low self esteem, which is why I'm having a hard time laughing it off. Tonight, we were getting ready to watch a movie, and he was pinching my side. I laughed and asked him to stop pinching my fat. He says, "If I wanted to squeeze fat, I'd squeeze your belly."

I think it was a case of not thinking before he spoke, and I know he feels bad, but man..that's a serious blow to the self esteem. He's asleep, and I'm sitting here feeling gross. I hate that I don't have enough confidence to not give a shit.

Read more: http://pandce.proboards.com/thread/194727/put-foot-mouth-tonight#ixzz2XWNqKMqM


Now, I don't think this is a case of just speaking without thinking. So say we all, or... not?

Oface4eva

So what's the verdict, @ReturnOfKuus ?  Are you crazy?

ReturnOfKuus

Looks like I'm not crazy, but a lot of ML is.  And, apparently, so are two buffoons here.

Oface4eva

LOL.  You are not a robot afterall. 

ReturnOfKuus

I am a little shocked that Gary Johnson isn't getting any support.

baconsmom

I voted Gary Johnson. But I have follow-up questions: Does he *know* how sensitive a subject this is for her? If yes, then it's obviously mean. If no, then he's dumb - and maybe a little mean, seeing how most women in the world don't want to be called fat. 

ReturnOfKuus

He knows.

ReturnOfKuus

But even if he didn't... who SAYS things like that, to anyone, ever?

baconsmom

Well, my H. But he's complimentary, and it doesn't bother me: "I love your big belly, it's so soft", stuff like that. 

FTR, I don't think *she's* being oversensitive. It bothers her, so he shouldn't say it. Period. 

dharmabunny

ReturnOfKuus said:

But even if he didn't... who SAYS things like that, to anyone, ever?

Like what BM said. If he knew, he's just mean and damn well what he said. if he didn't, it's a tad of the Paula Dean line of colloquialisms. Like, "did the Civil Righs movement decades ago not clue you in?" level of questionable naivete obliviousness.

AuntFlo

I voted for the first one - because men say stupid things and I don't think they put a whole lot of thought into the things they say or do, period.  Women are the ones who say things that have hidden meaning, so they tend to read too much into things. (in general)

Also, I guess I just have a hard time understanding the whole body issue thing - and being sensitive about it around your spouse.  Your body is what it is - and if you have a problem with it, do something about it.  There are very few people who DON'T have a little fat in their belly area or side anyway.  If things are so bad that one little comment sends her into a funk and she can't sleep - I hope she's in counseling.

PMeg819

AuntFlo said:

I voted for the first one - because men say stupid things and I don't think they put a whole lot of thought into the things they say or do, period.  Women are the ones who say things that have hidden meaning, so they tend to read too much into things. (in general)

Also, I guess I just have a hard time understanding the whole body issue thing - and being sensitive about it around your spouse.  Your body is what it is - and if you have a problem with it, do something about it.  There are very few people who DON'T have a little fat in their belly area or side anyway.  If things are so bad that one little comment sends her into a funk and she can't sleep - I hope she's in counseling.

This. I'm sorry- but all you have perfect S/O's who would never ever say such a thing out of stupidity? Really?

ReturnOfKuus

Some people in this thread have, as dharma put it, Paula Deen-level stupid husbands, apparently.

PMeg819

So a one-off saying your wife is fat around her midsection is now the same as a history of being derogatory towards an entire race? Okay then.

ReturnOfKuus

Did you read what Dharma said before commenting?

AuntFlo

Is there more to the story with the OP and her husband that we don't know about?  I don't see a reason for you to be all "DTMFA" about it.

ReturnOfKuus

I didn't say DTMFA.  I was just shocked and aghast not only that such a thing would come out of the mouth of a guy who had up until now seemed relatively sane and normal, but also that people thought this was just the kind of thing people say without thinking, as though it requires thought and effort not to say something this rigodsdamndiculous.

tawillers

I don't think kuus is saying DTMFA.  She thought the comment was mean, ML is all "oh, he's just a man" and she wanted to know what we thought.

I wonder how the poll would look if the wife had teased the husband about his baby penis.  Mean?  Or "oh, she's just a blonde housewife doing dishes with baby at her feet.  She don't know no better."?

VarunaTT

I feel like a one time screw up is something you say, Hey, that hurt my feelings, don't do it again, and work on moving on. If he's never done something like this before, I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think she's being oversensitive, but a conversation needs to be had. I'm quite a one-liner type person and sometimes I fark it up. If this is a sustained campaign of fire about her being fat, then yeah, he's being mean and dumb and hurtful on purpose.

AuntFlo

I know you didn't say DTMFA, but I think you're overreacting.   Shocked and aghast?  That a man would say something stupid?  

I'm shocked and aghast that a grown woman would marry a man, and have 2 kids with him (based on her sig pic) and still doesn't  feel comfortable around him.   

PMeg819

I did read. She and you said Paula Deen level which indicates this is something colossally stupid but constantly ongoing. FYI- the Paula Deen outrage isn't just over the one time n word use but the other racist comments she has said in recent years as well. OP doesn't indicate her husband is always saying stuff about her weight. It sounds like he said it in a joking manner and she got butt hurt about it. Dude, I joke with DH about his weight or say he has a small d!ck. It's a joke. I don't taunt him constantly or shame him. He does the same to me. He didn't come to her and say "I'm I attracted to you because you're a porker." And I stand by what Aunt Flo said; if this bothers her so much and it sounds like she had a rough childhood over it then why isn't she getting help?

VarunaTT

S/O: The Paula Deen case is bigger than just her racism. She also actively practiced classism and sexism in her hiring and pay practices (the female manager was paid less and didn't receive benefits and was told that she should be happy with what she was making b/c it was more than any other woman ever had). She allowed her son to get away with viewing pornography at public computers in the restaurant and drinking at work, sometimes as early as 10 am and he's apparently a violent drunk. Reading the original complaint is pretty damn eye-opening and there are way more problems that her just saying the "n" word. Her deposition was ridiculous. S/O finished.

gpeeples

See, I don't think there's a right answer, because it depends on the relationship.  My husband and I have the kind of relationship where he'll be completely honest with me about how I look, and I appreciate it!  If I ask him how a dress looks on me, he might say something like, "I'm not sure if that lays right on you."  Some of my friends would cry if their significant other said that, but I appreciate it.

I also understand his sense of humor, and it doesn't bother me.  Years ago I told him that I always wear earrings when I go out because I think they make me look pretty.  One day recently I wasn't wearing earrings, and he said, "Why are you ugly today?  Where are your earrings?"  My sister-in-law heard and thought it was mean, but I laughed.  It really depends on the couple.

GBCK

Do I think it's assy and probably mean?  yes.
DO I think the Kuus-level 11 shock is over-reaction?  yes.

Because I've said mean things.  TO people I love.
Not often, not habitually, but, eh, people have bitch moments where "this is funny in my head" doesn't translate.
It's not a 'men say stupid things' bit...it's a "people sometimes are stupid and mean" bit.

pesematology

It depends on whether he views the belly fat as a good or bad thing. If he views it as a bad thing, or if he has *ever* in his whole life said that he wanted you to lose some weight, then he was pointing out something "bad" about you for no reason, and is an asshole.

But it's quite possible he thinks your belly fat is cute and/or arousing, or just doesn't think of it as its own separate thing from the rest of your body. If he feels generally positive about your body and doesn't want you to change it, then he could easily have said something that to him had positive or neutral connotations, without thinking about how it might be hurtful to you. If he loves your belly and touches it frequently on purpose and doesn't suggest that you lose weight or ever mock your body in any way, then it might be good for you to try to take the comment in that spirit, since it could help you feel better about your body.

Either way, if it continues to feel hurtful when you think about it, then tell him the next time that you talk to him that jokes about your fat are off-limits. If he's not a complete moron and/or jerk, he'll only need to be told once.

ReturnOfKuus

AuntFlo, I feel like you conjured this.

AuntFlo

ReturnOfKuus said:

AuntFlo, I feel like you conjured this.

I'll take the blame.  

FWIW, I find your belly fat arousing and your husband should, too.

Dreamergirl8812

If a belly pooch, a tiny dick, and Paula Deen had a love child, it would be this thread.