I wasn't invited, but should I send a gift?

MayberryAfterMidnight

I invited my cousin and her fiance to our wedding (which was last weekend) and they declined. She and her fiance are getting married next week in Vegas, but DH and I weren't invited. That's fine - I know weddings aren't tit-for-tat. BUT, my cousin and her fiance sent DH and me a check for $150 as a wedding gift. I realize they're a little more well off than DH and I are, but I was stunned that they would send a gift, let alone such a generous one. Since it was so generous, I'm wondering - should I send them a gift for their wedding too, even though DH and I weren't invited? I've already written them a very nice thank you note - and I think I can and probably should leave it at that - but the size of their gift just has me feeling a little guilty. I know one never HAS to send a gift, and I'm also aware that sending a gift of any kind in this case could maybe be read as passive-aggressive, since I wasn't invited...figured I would throw it to the Etiquette Board (you all have served me well in the past).

radleyboo

If I wasn't invited, I wouldn't send a gift.  That's just me.  

itzMS

If it's a close friend or family member, yes, I will send a card and gift...usually from the registry.

 

s-aries8990

You aren't obligated in any way but if it would cause a family rift (which would be stupid because you weren't invited) or you feel compelled to, you aren't wrong to send something small.

Pookieson

If I am not invited, I do not send a gift.  That being said, maybe I would if it was a close friend, but not just because they got me a really nice gift

Pookieson

I take that back, I did send a wine and cheese basket once to good friends who had a JOP ceremony.  I saw it on facebook.  They weren't registered and I knew they were wine people, so voila!  Now they have more wine.

krizzo17

I think something small off of their registry with a "thinking of you on your special day" note would be nice. I sent a gift like this to a friend's sister, who I knew growing up, but certainly didn't expect to be invited to her wedding (although my parents were, since our parents were friends). She ended up coming to my wedding as my friend's "date" since her boyfriend couldn't make it at the last minute, and the check they gave us was from her bank account. The sister's wedding was later that same summer, so I purchased a small gift (I think <$20) off her registry.

I also received a gift from a neighbor of my parents who wasn't invited at all, I think it was just a friendly gesture and we didn't feel awkward about it at all.

MayberryAfterMidnight

Thanks for the responses! She's actually a second cousin (I come from an extremely small family), and honestly, we're not close at all. I see her maybe once every few years and I really only invited her to my wedding because I invited all my cousins/extended family. She's having a very small destination wedding in Vegas, but my parents were invited and are going. I think I'll double check with them to make sure it won't cause a rift or something - I seriously doubt it - but I think I will just leave it at the thank you note given that we're not close. I really appreciate the advice!

ETA: spelling

s-aries8990

MayberryAfterMidnight said:

Thanks for the responses! She's actually a second cousin (I come from an extremely small family), and honestly, we're not close at all. I see her maybe once every few years and I really only invited her to my wedding because I invited all my cousins/extended family. She's having a very small destination wedding in Vegas, but my parents were invited and are going. I think I'll double check with them to make sure it won't cause a rift or something - I seriously doubt it - but I think I will just leave it at the thank you note given that we're not close. I really appreciate the advice!

ETA: spelling

If she didn't invite you and you aren't mad, then not sending her a gift shouldn't make her or her parents upset.

TheBaysideBride

if you can find something small and personal, it would probably make her day. our first engagement gift was from a friend who isn't even invited to the wedding. Being thoughtful is never wrong!!

Teddy917

Just my two cents. If you do send a gift, I would advise against sending a check. Because then it's plainly obvious that you spent more or less or the same as them. If you spent more, they might feel guilty. If you spend less, they might look down on you (if they're decent people they shouldn't, but still). If you spend the same, it looks like your just giving back the gift they gave you. If your wedding wasn't so recent, I would say don't worry about it. But since it was, then it's likely to still be noticed.

tesskerr

What about sending a bottle of bubbles to their hotel room, with a wee thinking of you note?