Do we have to let my fiance's brother come to the wedding?

ninamarie1591

My fiance and his brother have never gotten along, but recently, they have been very on edge with each other. It got to the point where his brother was texting him physical threats and when we were all brought together due to a major family event, he ended up assaulting my fiance and ruining the event. My fiance is non-confrontational and wanted to just avoid his brother, but he wouldn't let him. We are getting married in just two weeks, and my fiance wants to un-invite him to our wedding. He is concerned that he won't be able to control his temper and will end up causing a scene on our wedding day. His parents are very upset with my fiance for not wanting his brother there and think that he should let him come no matter what because they are blood. They are guilting us, saying that we will hurt them too much by not letting him come, but is it really worth risking him keeping his temper in check? He is very aggressive and easily set off. I don't want him there either, but I want to do the right thing. Is it fair for us to un-invite him?

OliveOilsMom

This should be up to your FI (and not his parents).  He must know that this could seriously impact any future relationship he has with his brother.  But if he was assaulted at this recent family event, I think that your FI has every right to un-invite this brother.  However, if you decide to let his invitation stand.  Seat him as far away from you as possible at the reception.  Tell the reception venue, brother can be asked to leave at any moment.  I would aslo have some keep an eye on him all night to avoid any potential conflict.

Pookieson

Usually I'd say you can't uninvite.  However, I start to find some gray area in areas of violence.  That being said, this is your FI brother, he should know if his brother can keep his temper in check and behave appropriately at his wedding.  Un-inviting his brother will probably put some HUGE strain on their relationship and finally destroy it. 

What kind of event did he assault your FI at last time???

ninamarie1591

Thanks for the advice. I've been so stressed out about what to do. My fiance does know his brother and fully expects him to lose his temper, especially because he will be drinking since there is an open bar. We are both scared to death that he will intentionally ruin the event, as he has made several comments about it.

When he assaulted my fiance, we were at their cousin's bat mitzvah. It was a very formal event held at a country club that everyone flew from out of state for. He did it in front of everyone, including his four year old daughter. 

The night of the incident, I told his mother I was so afraid this was going to be our wedding. She told me not to worry and that she would completely understand whatever decision we made regarding un-inviting him. Now suddenly, two days later, she is sympathizing with his brother and saying we can't possibly not invite him. I have no idea why.

I feel like at the very least, we should not allow him to come to the rehearsal dinner. This will be held in a small banquet room and will be very intimate. I feel like that is a recipe for disaster.

LavenderHoneyBee

Can we rewind a bit, what's the brothers problem? Is he mentally disturbed? Or is there some feud btwn the brothers? I would definetly uninvite at this point and have security on hand at the reception. 

MsYeck

I personally in that situation would disinvited and remind family why he is not allowed. I also would make security well aware of the situation....since I suspect this person might still try to go

itzMS

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Can we rewind a bit, what's the brothers problem? Is he mentally disturbed? Or is there some feud btwn the brothers? I would definetly uninvite at this point and have security on hand at the reception. 

I agree with this.

A grown man should be able to behave himself in public. There has to be more to the story here, because causing a scene and physically or verbally fighting with someone in public is never okay.

itzMS

CMGr said:

It would be extremely rude of you to "un-invite" anyone.  This would make you look very bad.  Don't do it.  If brother misbehaves, it will make him look bad, not you.

But he doesn't "misbehave"...he is violent and has threatened violence...I think there's a little bit more to this...

Hopefully the OP comes back to explain.

Pookieson

I agree.  With out her answering my question about what constituted "violence" and where they were at I can't make an objective decision on "un-inviting" anyone

kmmssg

Physical violence goes beyond misbehaving and I think you can uninvite him.  My question to his parents would be, "How hurt and devastated will you be when he makes good on his threat to ruin my wedding?  How hurt and devastated will you be if he attacks someone again, like he attacked me last time?  Where are the priorities here, Mom and Dad?"

Physical violence opens a whole new can of worms and I do not tolerate it or open the door to expecting those who threaten it (and have acted on it) to behave themselves for my sake.

gmcr78

Why on earth would a man who wants to physically assault his brother even want to come to his wedding?

Uninvite that asshole and hire security to make sure he stays out.  I don't care what the reasoning behind the conflict is.  Being physically threatened (especially when he made good on that threat in the past) completely absolves the etiquette breach. 

daria24

If it's a choice of being  "rude" and uninviting someone who physically assaulted me, and potentially spending my wedding night in the hospital because said person assaulted me again, I'm choosing to uninvite the person. 

If FBIL was contrite and begging forgiveness for his actions, I would be more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But if he's threatening to do it again-put someone at the door and keep him out (IF your FI 100% doesn't want him showing up at the wedding).

Dreamergirl8812

OP I still want the full story. Why are they feuding and what constitutes assault?