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Umm, what?

Just got an email:

Hello,
We are looking forward to coming to your wedding.
Please put us down for 4 people. Might have 5 but unlikely.
The family that is included on this particular invitation is 3 people: Dad and 2 kids, who really are no longer kids. The Mom passed away a couple years ago, after losing her 4th battle with cancer. They're close family friends, although since the Mom passed on, they don't keep in nearly as close contact. At any rate, the Dad has had a new girlfriend for about a year now, and I'm guessing that she has a child as well. They are not invited, as my Mom does not want her there, and considers it to be an insult to her friend's memory. I don't want to hurt feelings, but need to tell this man that it's only him and the kids who are invited. Words of advice?
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Re: Umm, what?

  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    If he's dating someone, she should be invited.
  • The girlfriend needs to be invited, and if you invited his 2 kids it's pretty rude of you not to also invite the girlfriend's one kid.
    wittykitty14
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Please invite the GF.  If you want them to celebrate your relationship, you should be willing to celebrate their's as well
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    CLoGreenEyeswittykitty14
  • MissMollyMissMolly
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2013
    I would be OK with that, but my parents would not be (my Mom especially). On the invitation, I included the names of Dad, Daughter, Son. I do not even know his girlfriend's name, or if she even has a child. I haven't a clue who the mystery 5th person is. My parents are paying for the dinner, so they have say in the guest list, and this is what they've said: "only the Schmeegel's are invited; not his girlfriend".
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  • The GF should be included.  If your mom doesn't want to pay for her dinner, you and your FI should cover her plate.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    mcda04CLoGreenEyeswittykitty14MuppetOverlord
  • He's subtly telling you where you can take yourself for trying to exclude his SO.
    I'm sorry, I don't understand this. Can you clarify please?
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  • NYCBruin said:
    The GF should be included.  If your mom doesn't want to pay for her dinner, you and your FI should cover her plate.
    That's not the issue. The issue is that he started dating someone just months after his wife died, and my Mom doesn't agree with that. This is not my battle; I would be OK with her coming, or someone else if he's now dating someone else. To be honest, I don't even know if he's with the same woman. That's one issue. The other is that the invitation was addressed to 3 people, and now potentially 5 are coming. If I got a wedding invitation addressed to Alesha and Hubby, there's no way that I would take it to mean that us and our 4 children were invited. Note: we don't have kids, but this is a hypothetical scenario. The invitation is for the people whose names are written on it. Not them and other people.

    So, pretty much, I need to invite the GF, the mystery fifth person (I haven't a clue who this even is), and tell my Mom that she has to suck it up and deal with them being there. In turn, hurting my parent's feelings.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Your parents don't seem to mind being rude or hurting anyone's feelings, though.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    wittykitty14FizzySips
  • He's subtly telling you where you can take yourself for trying to exclude his SO.
    I'm sorry, I don't understand this. Can you clarify please?
    He's making a very clear stand with rewriting the invite. "Invite all of us or none of us." Many people get extremely upset when you try to exclude their loved ones. Good on him for standing by his new family.
    Awesome, I wish I'd have known this years ago! A friend got married, and didn't invite guests for any of her single friends. I started dating someone a few months before her wedding, and would've loved to take him along. I wish I'd have known that I could've. I just got an invite to my cousin's wedding. It's a small affair with just immediate family and close family/friends. It was just addressed to me, even though FH and I will be married at that time. I guess I can also take him along even though he's not included on the invite. Three cheers for etiquette!
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  • KDM323KDM323
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    He is letting you know he has an SO....with a kid.

    Your mom is wrong to exclude that person.

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    @Alesha1978, to get a better idea of this from another perspective, go to the Etiquette board, and read "What is plus-one etiquette?"






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    Liatris2010keochan
  • NYCBruin said:
    The GF should be included.  If your mom doesn't want to pay for her dinner, you and your FI should cover her plate.
    That's not the issue. The issue is that he started dating someone just months after his wife died, and my Mom doesn't agree with that. This is not my battle; I would be OK with her coming, or someone else if he's now dating someone else. To be honest, I don't even know if he's with the same woman. That's one issue. The other is that the invitation was addressed to 3 people, and now potentially 5 are coming. If I got a wedding invitation addressed to Alesha and Hubby, there's no way that I would take it to mean that us and our 4 children were invited. Note: we don't have kids, but this is a hypothetical scenario. The invitation is for the people whose names are written on it. Not them and other people.

    So, pretty much, I need to invite the GF, the mystery fifth person (I haven't a clue who this even is), and tell my Mom that she has to suck it up and deal with them being there. In turn, hurting my parent's feelings.
    It's very rude to judge other people's relationships.  Even if he had started dating this woman while his wife was still alive we would tell you she needed to be invited.  If your mother didn't want to include the gf then the entire family shouldn't have been invited.  You cannot split up social units (couples).  

    Children are not part of the social unit.  It is perfectly acceptable to invite a couple without their children.  I think in this case though since you are including HIS children it would be rude to not invite HER child.  


    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • edited August 2013
    Post removed due to GBCK
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

    PrettyGirlLost
  • NYCBruin said:
    NYCBruin said:
    The GF should be included.  If your mom doesn't want to pay for her dinner, you and your FI should cover her plate.
    That's not the issue. The issue is that he started dating someone just months after his wife died, and my Mom doesn't agree with that. This is not my battle; I would be OK with her coming, or someone else if he's now dating someone else. To be honest, I don't even know if he's with the same woman. That's one issue. The other is that the invitation was addressed to 3 people, and now potentially 5 are coming. If I got a wedding invitation addressed to Alesha and Hubby, there's no way that I would take it to mean that us and our 4 children were invited. Note: we don't have kids, but this is a hypothetical scenario. The invitation is for the people whose names are written on it. Not them and other people.

    So, pretty much, I need to invite the GF, the mystery fifth person (I haven't a clue who this even is), and tell my Mom that she has to suck it up and deal with them being there. In turn, hurting my parent's feelings.
    It's very rude to judge other people's relationships.  Even if he had started dating this woman while his wife was still alive we would tell you she needed to be invited.  If your mother didn't want to include the gf then the entire family shouldn't have been invited.  You cannot split up social units (couples).  

    Children are not part of the social unit.  It is perfectly acceptable to invite a couple without their children.  I think in this case though since you are including HIS children it would be rude to not invite HER child.  


    I didn't know she had a kid!! I don't even know if they're still together. For all I know, the extra people could be 2 buddies of his. This man doesn't keep in contact anymore, and the only contact I have is with his kids through the very occasional FB message.
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  • He's subtly telling you where you can take yourself for trying to exclude his SO.
    I'm sorry, I don't understand this. Can you clarify please?
    He's making a very clear stand with rewriting the invite. "Invite all of us or none of us." Many people get extremely upset when you try to exclude their loved ones. Good on him for standing by his new family.
    Awesome, I wish I'd have known this years ago! A friend got married, and didn't invite guests for any of her single friends. I started dating someone a few months before her wedding, and would've loved to take him along. I wish I'd have known that I could've. I just got an invite to my cousin's wedding. It's a small affair with just immediate family and close family/friends. It was just addressed to me, even though FH and I will be married at that time. I guess I can also take him along even though he's not included on the invite. Three cheers for etiquette!
    It wouldn't have been a polite way to handle it, but if you were pissed off at the slight and really wanted to tweak the bride for it, that would be the perfect route.
    Actually, in my mind, this would be the exact same thing that he's doing for our wedding day.
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  • Oh my God, I'm so sorry that I posted this post. All I want to do is keep those close to me happy that day, and I seem to be on the road to failing miserably. Yep, my family has been on the fast track to rudeness during the planning of this day, but I love them. They are the people that I don't want to slight that day. This man was invited because my parents wanted him and his kids there. I didn't put him on the guest list, they did. I don't know what to do to keep everyone happy and sane that day, and at this point, a month out, I really don't care. I cannot wait until the stupidity of this day is done, and hubby and I will be on a plane to our honeymoon destination, and we can forget all the drama, have a great time, and then get on with our lives.
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    [Deleted User]wittykitty14NerdyLucy
  • edited August 2013
    Post removed due to GBCK
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member
    edited June 2013
    Oh my God, I'm so sorry that I posted this post. All I want to do is keep those close to me happy that day, and I seem to be on the road to failing miserably. Yep, my family has been on the fast track to rudeness during the planning of this day, but I love them. They are the people that I don't want to slight that day. This man was invited because my parents wanted him and his kids there. I didn't put him on the guest list, they did. I don't know what to do to keep everyone happy and sane that day, and at this point, a month out, I really don't care. I cannot wait until the stupidity of this day is done, and hubby and I will be on a plane to our honeymoon destination, and we can forget all the drama, have a great time, and then get on with our lives.
    Trust me, I understand your frustration.  We are very early in the planning process and have already had to relatives tell us "not to worry" about doing something they want to do that is against etiquette.  Of course we still love them.

    However, it is still our wedding and we want to make sure that we do our best to comply with etiquette.  So while our families are the ones requesting the rude idea, we're ultimately look like the rude ones if we follow their misguided advice.

    Edited to delete bad advice.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • tarratall said:
    If the kids are not really kids, maybe they are bringing SOs.  It really only affects your headcount and if you are doing assigned seating, escort cards.  The thing to do is to email back and say "Great!  We'll look forward to having you there! Any dietary restrictions we should be aware of?" and then if you're doing escort cards I'd suggest something like - "I'm assuming the RSVPs are for you, Joe, and John, but I don't have the other two names, would you sending them for the escort cards.  I'm sorry I didn't include them on the invite, I'm so glad that they will be joining us."

    Again, if you are NOT doing escort cards, DON'T ASK.  You and your parents will NOT CARE the day of.  They will be too busy being OUT OF THEIR MIND happy, hopefully.
    Here's hoping. I just can't wait until the day is here, then 2 days later, we leave for paradise. We get on a plane soon, we get on a plane soon. It's soon over, thank God its soon over. My mantra. That, and please God, let this next month friggin' fly by.
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  • tarratall said:
    If the kids are not really kids, maybe they are bringing SOs.  It really only affects your headcount and if you are doing assigned seating, escort cards.  The thing to do is to email back and say "Great!  We'll look forward to having you there! Any dietary restrictions we should be aware of?" and then if you're doing escort cards I'd suggest something like - "I'm assuming the RSVPs are for you, Joe, and John, but I don't have the other two names, would you sending them for the escort cards.  I'm sorry I didn't include them on the invite, I'm so glad that they will be joining us."

    Again, if you are NOT doing escort cards, DON'T ASK.  You and your parents will NOT CARE the day of.  They will be too busy being OUT OF THEIR MIND happy, hopefully.
    Actually, disregard my previous post.  This is a much better idea.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Yeah, we aren't having escort cards. That's more work for graphic designer me, and I'm done.
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    [Deleted User]
  • Talked to FH, and he agrees that the girlfriend should be invited. I still have no idea who the mysterious 5th person is, but I'd be fine to have them there too. Talked to my sister who said that mom should be embarrassed. This afternoon, mom told me to tell the emailer that due to space restrictions, we can only invite the 3 of them. I replied that I'm not comfortable with lying, and that if he would like to bring a date, I'm okay with that. I also told her that since he's a friend of my parents, it would be best if they handled this. They know how I feel, they know that this is their issue, and whatever happens, happens. I'm done stressing about garbage like this, and would like to enjoy the last month of engagement, since I really haven't gotten much chance to do so since we got engaged last October.
    Well done!!
  • While I'm really glad that you understand now it's right to invite the GF, pushing this response onto your parents sounds like you know your mom still wont invite the GF but now you wont be held responsible for it.  =\  I hope that doesn't happen.
  • pesematologypesematology
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited June 2013
    How about maybe you call him and talk to him? If you don't know anything about his life nowadays and don't want to talk to him but still invited him to your wedding, that seems odd. Don't even mention the wedding (or do, just as a conversation starter), but ask him how he's doing and just catch up with him.

    Or if your mom is the one who knows him, suggest that she do the same.

    The thing about wedding planning that I'm enjoying the most so far is that it gives me an excuse to call my friends and family way more often.
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
    Sassenach1743
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