February 2014 Weddings

Long distance wedding HELP!

Well this may get confusing and I'm sorry but if you make it through to the end and can give me a little advice or tell me if it sounds crazy I'd appreciate it! 

Apologizing in advance for the run on sentences and lists with no commas my comma key is not working for whatever reason.

My mom and I don't have the best relationship but I do love her and I want her to be at my wedding. However she doesn't think it's fair of me to plan the wedding for in Illinois and expect my family members who don't have a lot of money to spend on travel and such to fly or drive up there and pay for hotels or rent a house for the weekend they would be there. So I was at first looking at ways to help them with travel and lodging costs. I even looked up renting a travel bus to drive them there and back and then the only thing they would have to pay for is their hotel but it all comes out as more than we can afford to budget for it and still have a good celebration with good food and all the things that we want. So I started looking at ways to cut costs and see if we could manage to keep it under our budgeted amount to still help each of them out and we can't work it that way. We had just resigned ourselves to the fact that most of my family was just not going to be able to come. *We are paying for the wedding ourselves no contributions from my family and only labor contributions from his. They offered to help cook for the reception and his sister/SILs have offered to help me with flowers and decor* We feel that Illinois is the better option for us financially. We aren't trying to insult my family but they are taking it as an insult that I don't want the wedding to be down here. His sister will have a 3-4 month old baby at the time of the wedding and the rest of his family would do as much as possible to make it easier on us but there are more of them than of my side and until recently my mom was fine with the Illinois wedding and everything. It's only recently that she has decided to question everything and tell me that I'm being selfish for wanting my wedding to be what and where I want it.

FI and I have been trying to figure out the best way to do this long distance wedding thing and while I was falling asleep the other night I thought of having 2 separate celebrations. Everyone would be invited to both and could go to one or both or neither if they so choose. We would have a justice of the peace wedding at the end of December here have our celebration with my family and have a nice party with the ones who choose to come here and then in February we would renew our vows and have the big celebration that we have been planning on having (because we already put down non refundable deposits on the photographer and the church and the baker) we don't want to loose our money and we don't want to have anyone in either family or set of friends miss out. We talked about this in length this morning and I brought it up to my mother and she told me that we were being ridiculous and just need to wait until they have enough money to travel (which wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that she's losing her job in September and won't have extra money for years because she's wanting to go back to school) and that she would tell us when she could be there so we could plan it. She doesn't want to contribute anything to the wedding other than her presence and I don't care if she doesn't want to help pay for anything. I went into this knowing that FI and I would be paying for this on our own. That isn't the part that bothers me. What bugs me is that she thinks she has a right to tell us when we can get married and what and how to spend our money. If she was helping pay for it I would be perfectly fine with her saying that the wedding needs to be in Texas but it's not cheap to get married and I could not find any place I liked that would be able to stay under budget and my church doesn't have a home so we couldn't do it there like we are with FI's church. We would have been spending a lot more money on the venue than we are and we wouldn't have the money for the other things we want or need (like food and music) I don't mind having two celebrations to make it easier on my family to attend and share in our happiness but I feel like that's also just weird and not done. I hate the long distance planning and the confusing crap I'm having to deal with and sometimes (like right after talking to my mother today) I tell FI I just want to elope and not invite anyone and just tell them when we get back and have a party then but then I see my wedding gown hanging in my closet in it's dress bag and I want to have the fancy celebration that FI and I have been planning and I tell him we can't elope. *He won't elope anyway he says it would feel like we were hiding something or like we were scared they would stop us* I want to give him the day he has been waiting for and he wants to give me the things I want and we both want our families there but one way or the other someone is going to end up left out of the wedding unless we have two celebrations. 

So does having two make sense in our situation? I've been looking up prices for marriage license and catering here and they are drastically cheaper than transporting my family up there and we could work it into our budget without having to cut many things out and still have most everything we've been wanting. Anyone ever heard of someone doing this? I've never had any long distance relationship friends get married so I don't know if this is normal or crazy talk for me to even think of it! HELP!! 

Re: Long distance wedding HELP!


  • Well this may get confusing and I'm sorry but if you make it through to the end and can give me a little advice or tell me if it sounds crazy I'd appreciate it! 

    Apologizing in advance for the run on sentences and lists with no commas my comma key is not working for whatever reason.

    My mom and I don't have the best relationship but I do love her and I want her to be at my wedding. However she doesn't think it's fair of me to plan the wedding for in Illinois and expect my family members who don't have a lot of money to spend on travel and such to fly or drive up there and pay for hotels or rent a house for the weekend they would be there. So I was at first looking at ways to help them with travel and lodging costs. I even looked up renting a travel bus to drive them there and back and then the only thing they would have to pay for is their hotel but it all comes out as more than we can afford to budget for it and still have a good celebration with good food and all the things that we want. So I started looking at ways to cut costs and see if we could manage to keep it under our budgeted amount to still help each of them out and we can't work it that way. We had just resigned ourselves to the fact that most of my family was just not going to be able to come. *We are paying for the wedding ourselves no contributions from my family and only labor contributions from his. They offered to help cook for the reception and his sister/SILs have offered to help me with flowers and decor* We feel that Illinois is the better option for us financially. We aren't trying to insult my family but they are taking it as an insult that I don't want the wedding to be down here. His sister will have a 3-4 month old baby at the time of the wedding and the rest of his family would do as much as possible to make it easier on us but there are more of them than of my side and until recently my mom was fine with the Illinois wedding and everything. It's only recently that she has decided to question everything and tell me that I'm being selfish for wanting my wedding to be what and where I want it.

    FI and I have been trying to figure out the best way to do this long distance wedding thing and while I was falling asleep the other night I thought of having 2 separate celebrations. Everyone would be invited to both and could go to one or both or neither if they so choose. We would have a justice of the peace wedding at the end of December here have our celebration with my family and have a nice party with the ones who choose to come here and then in February we would renew our vows and have the big celebration that we have been planning on having (because we already put down non refundable deposits on the photographer and the church and the baker) we don't want to loose our money and we don't want to have anyone in either family or set of friends miss out. We talked about this in length this morning and I brought it up to my mother and she told me that we were being ridiculous and just need to wait until they have enough money to travel (which wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that she's losing her job in September and won't have extra money for years because she's wanting to go back to school) and that she would tell us when she could be there so we could plan it. She doesn't want to contribute anything to the wedding other than her presence and I don't care if she doesn't want to help pay for anything. I went into this knowing that FI and I would be paying for this on our own. That isn't the part that bothers me. What bugs me is that she thinks she has a right to tell us when we can get married and what and how to spend our money. If she was helping pay for it I would be perfectly fine with her saying that the wedding needs to be in Texas but it's not cheap to get married and I could not find any place I liked that would be able to stay under budget and my church doesn't have a home so we couldn't do it there like we are with FI's church. We would have been spending a lot more money on the venue than we are and we wouldn't have the money for the other things we want or need (like food and music) I don't mind having two celebrations to make it easier on my family to attend and share in our happiness but I feel like that's also just weird and not done. I hate the long distance planning and the confusing crap I'm having to deal with and sometimes (like right after talking to my mother today) I tell FI I just want to elope and not invite anyone and just tell them when we get back and have a party then but then I see my wedding gown hanging in my closet in it's dress bag and I want to have the fancy celebration that FI and I have been planning and I tell him we can't elope. *He won't elope anyway he says it would feel like we were hiding something or like we were scared they would stop us* I want to give him the day he has been waiting for and he wants to give me the things I want and we both want our families there but one way or the other someone is going to end up left out of the wedding unless we have two celebrations. 

    So does having two make sense in our situation? I've been looking up prices for marriage license and catering here and they are drastically cheaper than transporting my family up there and we could work it into our budget without having to cut many things out and still have most everything we've been wanting. Anyone ever heard of someone doing this? I've never had any long distance relationship friends get married so I don't know if this is normal or crazy talk for me to even think of it! HELP!! 
    Whew! That was a lot! But congratulations!

    You are right about a lot of things in your post (particularly the bolded) and your first instinct is good. Your mom does not get to decide how you spend your money. Also, it is weird and it shouldn't be done.

    The bottom line is that YOU are paying for your wedding, so YOU get to decide the when, where, and how. It is not your responsibility to transport and house your guests although it was sweet of you to try. Invite the people you want to and if they can't make it let them know you'll miss them.

    All that being said, you get ONE day. Not three. Do not have three separate ceremonies. Do not get have a JOP wedding and then "renew your vows." Why would your vows even need renewing after 2 months...?

    What you can do without making a big faux pas, is have your wedding where and when you want. Wear your pretty dress, have your WP, and get legally married. Then you can have a party (no ceremony, no white dress, no WP) to celebrate your marriage with your mother in Texas.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Lissa1213Lissa1213 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    Oh my. Sorry I only read about half of this  My mind starts to wonder too much after that. 

    You have the right to get married wherever you want!!!! Don't let your mom guilt you into changing your day around just to please her and family that you never see. 

    I am doing a DW and not even inviting anyone but my parents and sister.  I don't care if people can't afford it and think that it is rude, the reason I don't care: I didn't invite them.  It will be small and secluded and that is exactly what I want.

    Now I know that gas is creeping up and can be expensive for long drives, HOWEVER if she really wants to be part of this she will find a way to deal with the financial issues on her own instead of putting it off on you.

     

     

  • I read most of your post, and I just want to let you know, the wedding is about you and your fiancé. 
    Don't let your family stress you out.

    I have family all over the place, and none of them are in the state I live in. I'm still having my wedding here (where I live). Fiancé and I are footing the bill for ours too and there was no way we were going to be told what/when/where/or who. I'm inviting my family, and those that come, great! Those that choose not to come, that is ok too. Besides,  it's not about making your wedding convenient for everyone else. Ultimately it is about you and your hubby to be having a great and memorable day. Make the plans that will make the 2 of you happiest!

    Also, don't worry about being "weird". If your heart is really set on something you should go for it (as long as it does't break the bank or compromise something else you may want or need)

    Best of luck with your plans! 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards