My dad is ruining everything :(

lajones2013

I feel very sad, at what supposed to be the happiest time of my life. My dad, I am soo disappointed in his conduct, I got engaged earlier this year and planning for my wedding in November, and now to find out he has been having an affair. My mom, sister and I are so upset and I feel like he has ruined the whole experience for me. My mom and everyone is going through with it and he still plans to help finance the wedding, but clearly this whole thing is messing everyone up. 

I feel very sad and awful for my mom and I  am angry that he has done this to her after 34 years of marriage. I hope my future husband does not put me through this. Sorry to share such awful news, but this is the reality that many of these soon to be brides will have to face, the thing is, what are you going to do about it if / when it happens.

Redbride801

I'm so sorry that you and your family is going through this heartache.

ashwise

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  What's supposed to be a happy time in planning a wedding is tainted by his actions.  However, I wouldn't let his actions step on your wedding.  I know what he did is devastating, especially after 34 years of marriage.  But, I would try and forgive him.  Talk to him, figure out why he did what he did.  Perhaps he's really unhappy?? Maybe this is something your parents can work out.  I'd also talk with him about how this makes you feel, and how it will impact your wedding.  Will him and your mom still walk in together, pretend that they're still together (if they're splitting up) etc.  I know this sucks, and you feel awful--but don't let it ruin your big day, or consume your thoughts before then.  You have a lot to worry about in the next couple of months with planning that he should take a backseat.  Also, the wedding planning might be a good distraction for your mom.  Know that these things happen, and you WILL get through this, I promise.  Don't let him ruin the happy wedding day or planning, you don't want to give him that satisfaction.   

thejucheidea

ashwise said:

Talk to him, figure out why he did what he did.

I don't think it's the OP's place to go asking her dad why he had an affair. That's something that's between him and her mom, and if they want to go there and have counselling, that's their prerogative. Confronting her dad isn't going to accomplish anything but will certainly cause more strain.

VarunaTT

I can't get passed that your thought process about your father having an affair has anything to do with your wedding.  Step away from the wedding industry and concentrate on your family for awhile, sans wedding.  

SBmini

VarunaTT said:

I can't get passed that your thought process about your father having an affair has anything to do with your wedding.  Step away from the wedding industry and concentrate on your family for awhile, sans wedding.  

This! He's not ruining your special day, he's ruining your mother's life. His affair has nothing to do with you or your wedding. You need to be there for your mom, first and foremost. By the time of the wedding the raw feelings that you are feeling now will settle. 

kiddodarling

thejucheidea said:

ashwise said:

Talk to him, figure out why he did what he did.

I don't think it's the OP's place to go asking her dad why he had an affair. That's something that's between him and her mom, and if they want to go there and have counselling, that's their prerogative. Confronting her dad isn't going to accomplish anything but will certainly cause more strain.

I agree that the reason he had the affair is between your father and your mother, but I think your dad owes you a massive apology. He should apologize for hurting his family and then making you question if it could happen to you. It's not about you, but it does involve you and definitely shatters your world. 

My dad did a similar thing, he had an affair a week before his and my moms 25th anniversary with a close family friend. He went back to my mom only to have an affair 3 more times during the same month with the same woman, finally leaving my mom for her. I haven't spoken to him since and he was not invited to my wedding or my brothers. He never apologized to us.

ChiGirl2013

I'm sorry you have to go through this at what should be the happiest time of your life.  I don't think that confronting him is the right thing to do, though - at least not now.  Your emotions are too raw and you're still too upset.  Nothing he can say or do is going to make you feel better so why pour salt onto the open wound?  Be there for your mom and focus on your wedding.  Don't let your dad's actions ruin what you have with your FI. Remember, your FI and your dad are 2 totally different people.  Just because your dad did something wrong doesn't mean that your FI will as well.  Don't blame your FI for your dad's mistakes. 

As far as your dad goes, let the dust settle and go from there.  In a few weeks or months, you will probably look at this thing with different eyes and be more rational about it.  Right now is not the time.  Best of luck to you.

Jean0715

lajones2013 Im so sorry that this is happening. I can completely relate. The day my FI and I got engaged my parents told me that my mom was having an affair and that they're getting a divorce...Yes the phone call went exactly as you think. "Oh my God dad Im engaged! He asked!" "Great. Dont end up like my marriage. Your mom has been cheating on me for 3 years and we're getting a divorce." (I have yet to get a congratulations) Oh and this was the day before Christmas Eve Day. 

ANYWAY... I know it sucks. It will get better. promise. Just remember that you have an amazing FI and that you are starting your own family. It is such a hectic time for you and your FI with the wedding planning, and now dealing with all of the family drama.I have learned to tell BOTH my parents that I have a limit to how much 'divorce talk' that I can handle and once they reach that max, they need to just stop.  Your best bet is to focus on your relationship with your FI. There are some days you are going to let it get to you and thats ok. You have every right to be upset, but try not to dwell on it. Just work on leaving the divorce drama at the front door and focus on nothing but the love that you two share. 

hmonkey

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/os-family-fight-dad-critical-son-arrested-20130708,0,1383811.story

KaySea6213

I imagine that it's really hard to have faith in the whole premise of marriage, let alone your own, with an affair tainting a love you may have looked up to your whole life. I'm really sorry that you have to go through such a thing.

All of my parents and grandparents have been divorced and remarried a couple time, because of that I always swore I wouldn't get married. It was my relationship with my husband that truly changed my views. I know now that you can't compare your relationship to another, you can only put everything you have into your own. Let this time of confusion and hurt in your life, help build your relationship. Discuss your feelings, your hopes and your fears, with your FI, but don't let your hurt cloud your judgement. You said yes to your FI because you love him and you want to be with him.

Aside from that though, take the time to be there for your family in this rough patch. Put all the wedding talk on the back burner (at least with them) and make yourself available to help. After something like this a family can only heal with the help of each other.

lajones2013

Thanks everyone for your replies, this is very hard....I barely talk any wedding talk with my mom because I don't want to upset her, the time I spend with her, I listen to her and encourage her. I also feel like I don't care about my wedding much these days. My FI is very sweet and supportive, he is truly my best friend.

I haven't properly spoken to my dad since we found out about the affair, I didnt ask him why or anything like that, and there has been no apology from him up till now. I honestly don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, so our conversations these days are extremely superficial at best, if there is any.  I am just trying to come to terms with this, my mom still doesn't know what she will do. 

I told her the other day I not even sure if I want him to walk me down the aisle (although he is sponsoring a major part of this wedding and I mean, he is my father) and she vehemently said I shouldn't let him, but then again, I know emotions are still raw and running high, so hopefully maybe by then feelings will change. I cant even begin to imagine what she is really going through, as she is married to this man since before I even came into this world!

Sigh, we will see. I actually just feeling like whatever happens, happens,  however the wedding turns out, I just operating the best I can. I REALLY just want my mom to be happy again, she doesn't deserve this at all.  I wish he didn't do this, my mom is so beautiful and she is the best.  I hate seeing her in this pain, it breaks my heart so badly.

lajones2013

Wow, and that story with the son beating the father when he found out his dad  was having an affair...wow I could imagine how he felt, but I just trying to be mellow as much as possible, and also my dad is bigger than me lol lol