marriage = forever?

NYCCleopatra

I know this is probably a terrible topic in a very happy place like 'the knot' but i really need advice from people who are happily about to be married and are excited.. I'd love to know why you feel this way.

 I'm 2.5 weeks away from my wedding and although I'm happy about it, i'm definitely not 'bouncing off the walls' nor even very excited. It's a small but extremely beautiful event and wasn't crazy to plan as very intimate. But after 5 years of VERY long distance (circumstantially unavoidable) with my fiance we broke up last year as he wasn't ready to be married. I knew he was The One since day we met. Although we reconcilled only 3 months later as he realized he couldn't let me go, i haven't gotten over his ability to do this and now have a hard time believing anything can be 'forever'. (Doesn't help my parents are divorced and all close girlfriends single). I don't want my wedding to be just a party...it was always supposed to mean so much more (only few months ago we were able to finally live together). Maybe I'm just freaking out?

NYCCleopatra

After a few months back together we became officially engaged in December, and he moved to the U.S. in April when we were finally able to live together and truly date. It's been absolutely wonderful and i do want to spend my life with him and can't imagine it ever beng anyone else. I just want to feel that same 'excitement' about marriage as everyone else seems to. But isn't the whole excitement because of the presumption it's forever? I hate having lost that.

We are doing premarital counseling and you're right, it has been a very good experience as long distance definitely takes a severe toll.

TKzilla

I would worry less about your excitement level and how it compares to other brides. I'd worry MORE about your fear of your FI walking out on you again because it sounds like there's a trust problem.

daria24

My parents actually broke up at one point while they were dating, and then my father realized he couldn't live without my mother (her words...she might be taking some liberties), they got engaged a few months later, and now have been married for almost 40 years. It's not unusual to break up and get back together, however only time (and possibly counseling) is going to help you feel secure that he isn't going to walk away again. It doesn't sound like you've had enough time for you both to feel ready to take this step. It's not like he broke up with you because the distance was too much to handle, he broke up with you because he wasn't ready to get married. And now suddenly he's ready less than a year later? I would have a hard time believing it too.

In another post you mentioned you are having a Catholic wedding-I think the best thing you can do is discuss your feelings and reservations with your FI and your priest, and decide where to go from there. 

RedJacks25

My ex and I had been together for 2 years. Literally and completely out of the blue he broke up with me. There had absolutely been no signs on my end that it was going to happen.

A few hours later that exact same night he called me and told me how much of a mistake he had made, how sorry he was, and how much he wanted me to give him a second chance. I did. But I was never able to forgive him, even though it had only been a couple of hours that we had been broken up. It was a serious betrayal of trust to do that to someone you love and who you plan on spending your life with. We stayed together only a couple of more months before we split it off for good.

My point is that I personally never would have been able to get to the point of trusting him to not walk out on me again. Maybe eventually, with counseling, I may have been able to move on from it, but I feel like I would always have it lingering in the back of my head, and that's not something I would have wanted for the rest of my life.

Maybe you're different, but I can definitely understand your hesitations. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you think you can trust this man again.

Sorry to be a downer.

[Deleted User]

32 years married here.
All I know is how IN LOVE I was when we first got married.  I counted on remembering those feelings during the very difficult and stressful years when raising teenagers.  For a few years we were both miserable, with them and with us.
Now it's just the two of us again.  I don't have that IN LOVE feeling like I did in my twenties, but I DO have a deep love and respect for the balding/chunky man who still makes me laugh.  Plus whenever I look at him, I still see a muscular guy with wavy black hair.
JMO but if you don't have those strong feelings in the beginning, how will you get thru the not so great times?

itzMS

NYCCleopatra said:

I know this is probably a terrible topic in a very happy place like 'the knot' but i really need advice from people who are happily about to be married and are excited.. I'd love to know why you feel this way.

 I'm 2.5 weeks away from my wedding and although I'm happy about it, i'm definitely not 'bouncing off the walls' nor even very excited. It's a small but extremely beautiful event and wasn't crazy to plan as very intimate. But after 5 years of VERY long distance (circumstantially unavoidable) with my fiance we broke up last year as he wasn't ready to be married. I knew he was The One since day we met. Although we reconcilled only 3 months later as he realized he couldn't let me go, i haven't gotten over his ability to do this and now have a hard time believing anything can be 'forever'. (Doesn't help my parents are divorced and all close girlfriends single). I don't want my wedding to be just a party...it was always supposed to mean so much more (only few months ago we were able to finally live together). Maybe I'm just freaking out?

If I remember right...you're the Catholic bride.

Divorce, like Marriage itself, is not taken lightly in the Catholic Church. Can you go in and talk to your priest privately to make sure your fears are just jitters?

NYCCleopatra

Thank you guys so much.. I guess this really is one of those major life decisions. I really truly beyond love him, and have since we had met. Took us 6 days together to feel it, and we endured 5 years of being thousands of miles apart and getting through it. daria24, it's a little of both -he ended it because he couldn't take the distance anymore and our only option was the fiance visa & immediate marriage, which he was not ready for as he'd have no job here even and be able to 'provide'. As fate would have it, all these circumstances changed a few months after he came to regret everything. I don't know however, if I will feel any differently in another few months, years, ever. Trust is such a fragile thing and I've been far from perfect as well, but I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Just terrified of it not being forever I guess and being hurt again. (Today's divorce rates definitely don't help!) 

And yes - our deacon has been very helpful, even more so as he's happily married for over 40 years : )   I wish there were more stories out there of long happy marriages, but I guess sadly, those don't make the tabloids.

southernbelle0915

NYCCleopatra said:

Thank you guys so much.. I guess this really is one of those major life decisions. I really truly beyond love him, and have since we had met. Took us 6 days together to feel it, and we endured 5 years of being thousands of miles apart and getting through it. daria24, it's a little of both -he ended it because he couldn't take the distance anymore and our only option was the fiance visa & immediate marriage, which he was not ready for as he'd have no job here even and be able to 'provide'. As fate would have it, all these circumstances changed a few months after he came to regret everything. I don't know however, if I will feel any differently in another few months, years, ever. Trust is such a fragile thing and I've been far from perfect as well, but I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Just terrified of it not being forever I guess and being hurt again. (Today's divorce rates definitely don't help!) 

And yes - our deacon has been very helpful, even more so as he's happily married for over 40 years : )   I wish there were more stories out there of long happy marriages, but I guess sadly, those don't make the tabloids.

Too true. 

kking1982

Im my faith marriage is defined "as long as the love shall last", not "till death to us part". It all depends on your personal beliefs.

artbyallie

kking1982 said:

Im my faith marriage is defined "as long as the love shall last", not "till death to us part". It all depends on your personal beliefs.

Point, except that OP is Catholic, and thus required to vow faithfulness til death.

I do think it's a little telling that he wasn't willing to stay together through difficult times, which is of course another of the marriage vows. So he didn't like the distance and didn't want to get married and move without a job, but once those things were looking up he suddenly changes his mind again? I mean, hopefully that's because he realized he is willing to stick through possible future hard times, but if it doesn't, OP, your fears may be for good reason.

rel1988

I understand a little where you are coming from as far as the cold feet go. I love my FI more than anything, but in a way premarital counseling has freaked me out a little. There aren't any divorces in my or FI's immediate family...I'm glad we have such positive role models for healthy relationships, but at the same time I look at his parents who yes are married, but bicker and snap at each other right in front of me. I do not want to end up like that. Obviously you go into an engagement knowing marriage is forever, but premarital counseling has further dug into our faith and what marriage really represents. It is a huge deal! That combined with wedding stress....I'm just looking forward to the HM at this point!

I would consider talking with your deacon privately to air our your feelings and concerns. I can completely understand your anxieties especially due to your previous breakup. As you are getting married in the Catholic church, I'm assuming religion plays a part in your life. At the risk of sounding preachy, I would also suggest praying. Pray for guidance and wisdom in making the best decision for you.

kking1982

@art, oops I missed where she said she was Catholic. Sorry That changes things a bit.

thisismynickname2

I feel compelled to chime in. I had similar jitters prior to getting engaged. My fiance is Catholic (well, we both are) and is divorced. He married at 22 and was divorced at 26, but they got the marriage annulled.  Although it would have meant a lot to me and my dad for me to be married in the Church, I flat-out refused to do so. A) Don't say vows to me that you already said to someone else, and broke; I cannot say "till death" since I already know that's not true for him.  

Since getting engaged though, what's mellowed me out is that he's matured (he's nearly 34 now) and he knows what he wants. He learned a lot from that experience. I'm not worried that I'm another bad decision of his. 

So, OP.... believe in forever. If people make mistakes, learn, and mature, and have the maturity to communicate well.... You'll get forever. 

HisGirlFriday13

NYCCleopatra said:

After a few months back together we became officially engaged in December, and he moved to the U.S. in April when we were finally able to live together and truly date. It's been absolutely wonderful and i do want to spend my life with him and can't imagine it ever beng anyone else. I just want to feel that same 'excitement' about marriage as everyone else seems to. But isn't the whole excitement because of the presumption it's forever? I hate having lost that.

We are doing premarital counseling and you're right, it has been a very good experience as long distance definitely takes a severe toll.

So did you get engaged BEFORE you truly dated? I think I'm confused in your narrative. How long were you physically in the same geographic location before getting engaged? I think that long-term LDRs can be beneficial -- you certainly learn to communicate well and effectively! -- but I also think they can be hard. And if you broke up and then got back together, that can only compound your worries.

I think that maybe you want to postpone your wedding. I know from your other posts that his family is coming in from Egypt, and they've probably already booked their plane tickets, but if you're having ANY reservations, you should postpone. Also, talk to your priest, and bring this up. See what he has to say.

Good luck!!

daria24

thisismynickname said:

I feel compelled to chime in. I had similar jitters prior to getting engaged. My fiance is Catholic (well, we both are) and is divorced. He married at 22 and was divorced at 26, but they got the marriage annulled.  Although it would have meant a lot to me and my dad for me to be married in the Church, I flat-out refused to do so. A) Don't say vows to me that you already said to someone else, and broke; I cannot say "till death" since I already know that's not true for him.  

Since getting engaged though, what's mellowed me out is that he's matured (he's nearly 34 now) and he knows what he wants. He learned a lot from that experience. I'm not worried that I'm another bad decision of his. 

So, OP.... believe in forever. If people make mistakes, learn, and mature, and have the maturity to communicate well.... You'll get forever. 

Huh? This makes zero sense to me. First, it doesn't sound like you are very committed to your faith if the fact that the once had a Catholic wedding is enough to override your beliefs. Second, there are a few different options for vows in a Catholic Church, you could choose different ones from the ones he used in his first marriage. 

And honestly if you can't trust him to keep a vow of "until death do you part" then why are you marrying him anyway?

KDM323

Are you rushing into marrying this guy because he isn't American and needs to be married to live here? Something about him changing his mind and then moving to the US and then having a wedding so quickly is giving me the impression that this marriage may be more about immigration than it is love and commitment.

KDM323

I know you said circumstances changed from the fiancé visa....marriage thing...but what is his current visa situation? Does he have permanent residency without you marrying him?

NYCCleopatra

Thank you guys so much...you've all really given me a lot to think about. I think the more time I spend with him, as we've eased into the relationship and living together, it's gotten better. Funny enough but the same day i posted, my job threw me a surprise bridal shower - the positivity was beautiful. And as much as i'd like to give it more time before the wedding, my negativity tells me "he said he couldn't live without me for 5 years before ending it and i believed it..so would it take another 5 years or more to prove he's serious this time?" I think with time and positive things in our relationship happening, that trust can build.

And while the Catholic belief is forever, it's not my mind I'm worried about being changed but his. Too many people take those vows with a grain of salt and i'm certain their partner never expects things to change. Yet they break them anyway. 

@drexelcathy - we've been together 6 years now so if it was immigration, I think he'd find a much easier target lol. Once he realized his mistake, he began saving to move here no matter what and proceed with fiance visa...and as fate would have it, his job agreed to move him to their US office for a few months. We decided to see how things would work before truly agreeing to go forth with the marriage, which would have to occur in this duration.

@hisgirlfriday13 - We never could really date... we had been long distance this whole time (due to finishing school, unemployment, job movies between countries & not being able to find job in same country, etc..) and so could only spend a few weeks every few months. if anyone would have ever told us it would be this long, we certainly never would have signed up. But circumstantially, it was alwas 'a few more months'. And somehow we made it - which i guess is what i need to keep in mind : )