Worst wedding/marriage advice ever...

samwise1127

Desperation leads to crappy advice!  That advice was given to me (as it was given to them by someone else, and so on).  Through not by the same person whose given me the Valium advice.... I have great friends who give some really bad advice....

I can't wait to see what more 'gems of wisdom' pop up!

Chipmunk415

Worst advice so far in planning and for marriage:

Register for stuff you don't need/register for doubles so you can return and get money!

Put registry cards in with the invites! otherwise, how will people know?

Have cameras on the tables for guests! (my own mother did that one, I politely explained why it was a very bad idea)

No matter what, sign a pre-nup.

Ask for cash, you've said you don't need anything anyway.

Make your friends do stuff for you.

ShesSoCold

When we got engaged, his grandma tells me, "Well, you know what they say - if you don't take care of your man, someone else will!". Uhhh...thanks..?

I'm currently trying to talk the same grandma out of having a 50 person shower before the 15 person wedding. She's certain that "they'll understand and want to give me a gift".

wittykitty14

cmiles89 said:

Whenever BF's dad says, "Son, you'll soon realize that the only words you need to say in marriage are 'Yes Dear'", I get stabby. So I get stabby often. My deal is that this just lends credence to the whole getting married is the end of the husbands life thing.

Anyone who says that sex isn't important in a happy marriage can suck it. This is total crap.

Also (and this is going to start a riot), I think some of the BEST advice for me that I've heard is that loving your husband more than your kids is normal and perhaps healthier (therefore the inverse would be bad advice in my book). After I read this article it totally changed my perspective on the wife-husband-children triangle. A lot of people don't agree with this or say it makes her a bad person, but I think it makes sense if you can be open to what she's saying. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1185105/A-mothers-confession-Hate-I-love-husband-MORE-children.html

Ditto.  I hate that line of thinking as well, and people joke around about it all the time.  I hate the stereotype that wives are bossy, controlling, and don't give the husband a say in anything.  Really hate it. 

FI and I though, we joke about this all the time-it doesn't bother me at all.  We'll joke about it with his parents, and again, it doesn't bother me.  I think I'm ok with it because these people know our relationship well enough to know that's not how it is.  But other people we are friends/acquaintances with make jokes about it, and it hurts a little.  They're all joking, but I don't appreciate it when these people don't know our relationship that well and make these comments.

moosette113

My all-time favorite worst advice came from my very Italian step-grandmother before FI and I became engaged. She told me to "watch out" because "Jewish men only date gentiles for practice" and that he would leave me when he found a nice Jewish girl to marry. Good thing we're having a Jewish ceremony after "practicing" for 6 years. 

In a close second was my dad telling FI that I wouldn't be the same person once we are married. Though to be fair, my dad is on his third wife and is therefore the authority on being married. 

samwise1127

In and of itself, making sure to marry someone you don't find repulsive isn't bad advice, it's more the fact that given by itself (well above and apart from any other criteria in the book) it seems to imply that physical beauty is the primary criteria for choosing a partner.  While an entire section of several pages is dedicated to finding a physically pleasing partner there are only a few lines dedicated to the many other aspects of a person.  The tone it takes is that choosing a partner is akin to looking through a book of head shots and picking the one you like.

I'm wary of ANY sole criteria for choosing a partner (money, looks, etc.).

I also find it funny because neither by FI or I are attractive marriage material based on that criteria, but we're perfect for each other.

s-aries8990

StageManager14 said:

samwise1127 said:

In and of itself, making sure to marry someone you don't find repulsive isn't bad advice, it's more the fact that given by itself (well above and apart from any other criteria in the book) it seems to imply that physical beauty is the primary criteria for choosing a partner.  While an entire section of several pages is dedicated to finding a physically pleasing partner there are only a few lines dedicated to the many other aspects of a person.  The tone it takes is that choosing a partner is akin to looking through a book of head shots and picking the one you like.

I'm wary of ANY sole criteria for choosing a partner (money, looks, etc.).

I also find it funny because neither by FI or I are attractive marriage material based on that criteria, but we're perfect for each other.

Sorry, but I think finding a partner that is physically pleasing to you IS highly important.  If you and your FI honestly don't find each other physically attractive, or are not sexually compatible, then I would recommend you rethink your wedding.  I think that people rag on this stuff because they take it to mean "find a partner that's hot, because that is what is important".  But what it means is "find a partner that YOU find hot, because that is way more important than people care to admit".  And it is.  No one likes to admit it because it makes them feel shallow, but finding a partner that makes your heart race and sets your loins on fire is incredibly important to a successful marriage.

ETA:  Also, the fact that the book doesn't offer enough good advice in other areas doesn't really make that line bad advice.  

I 100% agree. Wanting to jump his bone/her taco the second you lock eyes isn't important,  but having the hots for your SO (once you get to SO status) is SUPER important. Good sex and intimacy are necessary.

monkeysip said:

cmiles89 said:

Whenever BF's dad says, "Son, you'll soon realize that the only words you need to say in marriage are 'Yes Dear'", I get stabby. So I get stabby often. My deal is that this just lends credence to the whole getting married is the end of the husbands life thing.

Anyone who says that sex isn't important in a happy marriage can suck it. This is total crap.

Also (and this is going to start a riot), I think some of the BEST advice for me that I've heard is that loving your husband more than your kids is normal and perhaps healthier (therefore the inverse would be bad advice in my book). After I read this article it totally changed my perspective on the wife-husband-children triangle. A lot of people don't agree with this or say it makes her a bad person, but I think it makes sense if you can be open to what she's saying. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1185105/A-mothers-confession-Hate-I-love-husband-MORE-children.html

I agree completely with this advice.  I mean, in some ways, I think it's completely natural to love your children more than your spouse because they're from your flesh, they're your children and you're meant to take care of them.  If a bus was coming, you'd save your child over your spouse (obviously you'd try to save both... but you know what I mean).

But it is important that spouses love each other and put their RELATIONSHIP first, before the children, because having two parents who have a great marriage is the best foundation for the children.  If the parents are happy and loving, the children will see that and be happy too.  They will feel secure and loved as a result.  It's not like it's really either/or, it's more that you can help love your children through loving your spouse and putting your marriage first.

To the bolded, I agree. Having a bad marriage is worse than having a great non-marital co-parenting relationship. It's important to see two parents having a strong bond with their significant other and their co-parent (regardless if the two are the same person) because it teaches children about appropriate interactions between adults and allows them to see positive, productive relationships. I couldn't agree with that statement more.

samwise1127

What I intended was to ask was a funny question to see how well-meaning people can be when they give very odd advice.  As the conversation is evolving into something else I am letting it continue without me.  For the record my FI and I think that we are anything but repulsive and are very much in love with each other.

Thank you for the 'suggestion' that you are going to post horrible gifs if I didn't respond to the question.  I responded, you don't have to post the gifs.  

efmcc67

Chipmunk415 said:

Worst advice so far in planning and for marriage:

Register for stuff you don't need/register for doubles so you can return and get money!

Put registry cards in with the invites! otherwise, how will people know?

Have cameras on the tables for guests! (my own mother did that one, I politely explained why it was a very bad idea)

No matter what, sign a pre-nup.

Ask for cash, you've said you don't need anything anyway.

Make your friends do stuff for you.

Gotta disagree with you on that one, @Chipmunk415. I wouldn't get married without having a pre-nup. I found an awesome lawyer who's working with me to draft a pre-nup that respects my wishes, and also takes FI's needs into account. In essence, our pre-nup will enable us to live our life in the way we choose, particularly regarding finances. It defines what's marital property, and what property remains in our separate hands. FI will also consult his own lawyer before signing, to make sure that the document reflects his needs, as well.

I am 100% in favor of pre-nups. It's a myth that you're just planning for divorce or trying to "stick it" to your future spouse. I feel like our pre-nup will give us a lot more security and flexibility than we'd have otherwise.

efmcc67

StageManager14 said:

Chipmunk415 said:

Worst advice so far in planning and for marriage:

Register for stuff you don't need/register for doubles so you can return and get money!

Put registry cards in with the invites! otherwise, how will people know?

Have cameras on the tables for guests! (my own mother did that one, I politely explained why it was a very bad idea)

No matter what, sign a pre-nup.

Ask for cash, you've said you don't need anything anyway.

Make your friends do stuff for you.

Gotta disagree with you on that one, @Chipmunk415. I wouldn't get married without having a pre-nup. I found an awesome lawyer who's working with me to draft a pre-nup that respects my wishes, and also takes FI's needs into account. In essence, our pre-nup will enable us to live our life in the way we choose, particularly regarding finances. It defines what's marital property, and what property remains in our separate hands. FI will also consult his own lawyer before signing, to make sure that the document reflects his needs, as well.

I am 100% in favor of pre-nups. It's a myth that you're just planning for divorce or trying to "stick it" to your future spouse. I feel like our pre-nup will give us a lot more security and flexibility than we'd have otherwise.

See, I think there are plenty of reasons to get a prenup other than planning for divorce, but I don't think that means every couple should get one "no matter what". There was zero reason for H and I to get a prenup. So while it made total sense for you and absolutely does not mean you're trying to stick it to your husband, it doesn't mean it's good advice for every couple.

I agree, and you're right that you don't absolutely have to sign one "no matter what." However, a lot of people seem to shy away from pre-nups without really knowing what they are and what they do. I do believe that anyone who's planning to get married should research what exactly a pre-nup is and what it does, and decide together whether or not you need one. If you don't need one, then you don't need one, but unfortunately it seems like a lot of people rule out a pre-nup without having all of the information in hand. ETA: corrected typos. Stupid autocorrect...

Chipmunk415

I can see the different viewpoints here regarding the prenup.

 However, the person who told me to get one "no matter what" had been through a bitter divorce that resulted in her having to return to the workforce about 3 years ago.

 Whether we decide on a pre-nup or not is to be our private decision. The way it was stated by this person, I had the distinct impression of "marriage doesn't work, yours won't either; make sure he doesn't get half your stuff- scream MINE MINE MINE MINE!!"

wittykitty14

StageManager14 said:

I feel ya, Harry. Neither of us have children or any asset over $1000, except our toy collection which is jointly owned anyway. We own no property, nor do we ever plan to own more than MAYBE a home. There is no foreseeable income disparity unless one of us stays home with kids in the future (if we have them). Neither of us has any aspirations to own a business and there is no impending inheritance on either side. Our debt was all jointly accrued except for student loans, which aren't susceptible to a prenup anyway. And we both have wills in place for final wishes and whatnot. Prenups make sense for a lot of couples, but for poor theatre folk like us, it made no sense.

If you swap out poor theatre folk for poor musicians, then you'd have FI and I.  And yeah, for all the reasons you mentioned, a prenup doesn't make sense for us either.

rajahmd

NYCBruin

We are not having a prenup for the same reasons PPs listed.  I think they are a "must" for some couples, a good idea for couples, and a complete waste of money on attorney's fees for other couples.

I view it the same way I view how a couple handles their finances; there isn't one "best" way.  What works for the couple will depend on the couple.

Chipmunk-when I read your first post I totally pictured it coming from a bitter divorced person who had been burned by not having a prenup. 

AddieCake

samwise1127 said:

What I intended was to ask was a funny question to see how well-meaning people can be when they give very odd advice.  As the conversation is evolving into something else I am letting it continue without me.  For the record my FI and I think that we are anything but repulsive and are very much in love with each other.

Thank you for the 'suggestion' that you are going to post horrible gifs if I didn't respond to the question.  I responded, you don't have to post the gifs.  

Calm down. Everyone was having fun in this thread. 

CharlieKay10

I agree with a pre-nup not being necessary. FI and I met in college and we basically have grown/saved/purchased nearly everything that we have jointly. The only thing worth protecting to me is my second-hand and vintage decor/furniture that I know FI would want nothing to do with. None of it is worth any money. However, I do agree that prenups are worth it for some couples. But coming to that conclusion can be a problem. A friend of mine is going through this discussion right now where her FI does not want a prenup and she does. It is making for a difficult situation.

As far as bad marriage advice - my great uncle told me that "Men will wander. But if you let them wander, they will always come back to you." Huh? Wander where? Because if he wanders over to the sampling table in the grocery store without me ONE MORE TIME, I swear I will lose it.

Also, another relative told me something along the lines of: "Your marriage will get boring. I mean, think about it... Let's say your favorite meal is cheese pizza, or a filet mignon, or whathaveyou. After twenty years of having the same cheese pizza everyday, that club sandwich walking down the street is going to be looking pretty tasty..." ...just some food for thought, right?

Well, now I'm hungry. Dammit. 

Chipmunk415

Apparently, my maternal grandma told my mom's first husband "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you take your meals at home."  Grandma S. never saw the result of that advice- 2 years after the wedding, she was gone due to cancer; 4 years later, my mom found out her husband had been having affairs with every woman in his office, and a quarter of the nurses who worked with her at the hospital. He'd also gotten an STI, but thankfully didn't give it to her. Mom dumped his butt, met my Dad 10 years later, and the rest is history.

icecreamS04

My grandma told me I should start looking for a husband quickly because she was already engaged when she was my age (I wasn't even 16 when she told me) because guys don't like girls over 20... my mom, who walked in on this conversation, almost dropped the bowl she was holding when she heard that piece of advise... 

SummerGrl15

Years ago when I was single, someone once told me that I should marry the first time for money, second time for love.  Sad part is, they weren't kidding.  They went into a whole speech about how my kids and I would be financially secure when I got divorced (because I would indeed get divorced according to her) and then I could go out and find someone who I truly loved and wanted to be with and spend the second part of my life being happy.

Um... sorry lady, my plan is to only get married once.... for love!

Dreamergirl8812

My FI owns our home but we didn't get a pre-nup. I verbally told him I would never take the house from him (though it's a starter home so if we even have it in a few years it will be an income property and not our residence).

But I'm a bitch, so who knows what would happen.

lovesclimbing

One of my H's co-workers told him, after we got engaged, to "marry the first time for money, second time for looks."  H's response was, "How's that working out for ya?"  I'm not sure if the guy was on his first or second marriage but it was obvious to H that he hadn't followed his own advice.

MissZarmela

Edit.

Dreamergirl8812

FloridaBride27 said:

Oh but then I found this gem in the R&G board and it takes the cake. "Ok, first of all... this is the 2010's. Things are different. It is not rude, nor tacky to register for a money registry. People nowadays live together for years before getting married; therefore, have all of the things they need to live in a home already. I, for one, am HAPPY to contribute to a down payment to someone's house. Who the hell wants to spend $20 of their hard earned money on a damn toaster, if the couple does not need it? Why am I defensive? Because I did this,and EVERY SINGLE GUEST at my wedding said that this was the greatest idea EVER because they knew my husband and I had lived together for 4 years and had acquired all we needed for a home over the years.. So please, I'm not trying to start a war here, I'm simply saying.... to help someone in purchasing a new home is not tacky, rude, or begging. It's asking people to NOT waste their money on towels and microwaves if they already have it. Honey, this is YOUR wedding, and if you don't want to do a typical wedding registry (which is not a bad thing either), then don't. Do what you need to do to end this experience well... and if that is registering at downpaymentdreams.com.... than you do that. It was the best thing I ever did, and if it makes me "tacky"... then so be it. But, from experience, I didn't get an ounce of bad feedback from doing it. Everyone loved it.'

That's when you know someone is either full of shit or just completely delusional.

efmcc67

Dreamergirl8812 said:

FloridaBride27 said:

Oh but then I found this gem in the R&G board and it takes the cake. "Ok, first of all... this is the 2010's. Things are different. It is not rude, nor tacky to register for a money registry. People nowadays live together for years before getting married; therefore, have all of the things they need to live in a home already. I, for one, am HAPPY to contribute to a down payment to someone's house. Who the hell wants to spend $20 of their hard earned money on a damn toaster, if the couple does not need it? Why am I defensive? Because I did this,and EVERY SINGLE GUEST at my wedding said that this was the greatest idea EVER because they knew my husband and I had lived together for 4 years and had acquired all we needed for a home over the years.. So please, I'm not trying to start a war here, I'm simply saying.... to help someone in purchasing a new home is not tacky, rude, or begging. It's asking people to NOT waste their money on towels and microwaves if they already have it. Honey, this is YOUR wedding, and if you don't want to do a typical wedding registry (which is not a bad thing either), then don't. Do what you need to do to end this experience well... and if that is registering at downpaymentdreams.com.... than you do that. It was the best thing I ever did, and if it makes me "tacky"... then so be it. But, from experience, I didn't get an ounce of bad feedback from doing it. Everyone loved it.'

That's when you know someone is either full of shit or just completely delusional.

I agree. I also really don't get the argument of "We've lived together for years; we don't need anything!" I moved out of my parents' homes 8 years ago, and I've been living with FI for about 4 years. I've never felt like I have everything I need! There's always something that could use an upgrade. 

natswild

BF and I have been talking about getting married (he's leaning toward asking me around Christmas !!)  This will be the second for him, the first for me.  He brought up the pre-nup first, but only by a matter of seconds.  We both feel the same way about having one, that it's a good idea.  I know that it's not the same for everyone though.
My bad advice-it's too soon!  (For moving in together)  That was the only way we'd ever see each other, because of the jobs we have.
Many years ago, when my first BF gave me a diamond ring (he specified not an engagement ring...) this icky old guy who kept trying to get into my pants said he felt sorry I was throwing away my life.  (he was like my great grandfather, age-wise, EEEWWWW!)