Moms and Maids

Dad's gf wants to help pay for stuff...what am I getting myself into??

My mom passed away about 5 years ago. It's kind of complicated (and a long story) but my dad has had a slew of girlfriends since then. Nothing very serious, but....well it's all very weird. Anyone whose parent starts dating after the other dies would probably understand. 

Anyway he's been dating this one lady for about a year or so, but he sees other ladies on the side (I don't know if she's aware, I don't necessarily agree with it, but not the point). He wasn't even sure if he was going to tell her I was getting married in case he wanted to bring another one of his ladies. He accidentally let it slip to her, so now he has to bring her and everything.

So I've met this lady twice over the past year. The first time I met her, she was clearly very nervous and something about her rubbed me wrong. I don't know, it's weird after you lose your mom. If my dad would decide to remarry, I would want the woman to clearly show an interest in me and my siblings, get to know us, talk to us, etc, and she has not done that. However, she has offered to buy the wine for our wedding AND let us stay at her condo at the beach for a week for our honeymoon. Considering the very limited budget we are on...it is a tempting offer.

I feel like this is going to put me in a weird predicament. I have met this woman twice: at the initial meeting, she didn't really seem to want to talk to me or get to know me. She hasn't made any effort in the past year to connect with me or get to know me at all. When I lived at home and my dad was dating her, she wouldnt come to the house (probably because my dad knew it would make me and my siblings uncomfortable.) 

Anyway it's just kind of weird. I feel like she will want something in return. I don't want her having a special place at my wedding. I don't want her sitting next to my dad at the ceremony with the family. I don't want her in any family pictures. She can definitely afford everything she has offered us, but I dont know how comfortable I am taking it. I've met her twice, and she and my dad are clearly not that serious. I don't know if she is just trying to be nice...or what.

I am sorry if this sounds mean or snarky, but it was incredibly difficult when my dad started dating again, just the way he went about doing it. I want him to be happy and everything, but it's just..ugh. Complicated. I know she won't replace my mom ever, nor will any other woman. I guess I just don't want her thinking she can be special on my day that I should be sharing with my mom...I think that's what it boils down to. 

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Re: Dad's gf wants to help pay for stuff...what am I getting myself into??

  • Given how you feel about her, don't take her money. Money comes with strings, and those strings can strangle even the best of relationships.

    You do not have to have her in family photos or treat her specially. You do have to let her sit next to your father; she is his date and dates get to sit next to each other.

    My mom passed away about 5 years ago. It's kind of complicated (and a long story) but my dad has had a slew of girlfriends since then. Nothing very serious, but....well it's all very weird. Anyone whose parent starts dating after the other dies would probably understand. 


    Anyway he's been dating this one lady for about a year or so, but he sees other ladies on the side (I don't know if she's aware, I don't necessarily agree with it, but not the point). He wasn't even sure if he was going to tell her I was getting married in case he wanted to bring another one of his ladies. He accidentally let it slip to her, so now he has to bring her and everything.

    So I've met this lady twice over the past year. The first time I met her, she was clearly very nervous and something about her rubbed me wrong. I don't know, it's weird after you lose your mom. If my dad would decide to remarry, I would want the woman to clearly show an interest in me and my siblings, get to know us, talk to us, etc, and she has not done that. However, she has offered to buy the wine for our wedding AND let us stay at her condo at the beach for a week for our honeymoon. Considering the very limited budget we are on...it is a tempting offer.

    I feel like this is going to put me in a weird predicament. I have met this woman twice: at the initial meeting, she didn't really seem to want to talk to me or get to know me. She hasn't made any effort in the past year to connect with me or get to know me at all. When I lived at home and my dad was dating her, she wouldnt come to the house (probably because my dad knew it would make me and my siblings uncomfortable.) 

    Anyway it's just kind of weird. I feel like she will want something in return. I don't want her having a special place at my wedding. I don't want her sitting next to my dad at the ceremony with the family. I don't want her in any family pictures. She can definitely afford everything she has offered us, but I dont know how comfortable I am taking it. I've met her twice, and she and my dad are clearly not that serious. I don't know if she is just trying to be nice...or what.

    I am sorry if this sounds mean or snarky, but it was incredibly difficult when my dad started dating again, just the way he went about doing it. I want him to be happy and everything, but it's just..ugh. Complicated. I know she won't replace my mom ever, nor will any other woman. I guess I just don't want her thinking she can be special on my day that I should be sharing with my mom...I think that's what it boils down to. 

    Any thoughts are appreciated.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I lost my dad so I totally get where you're coming from. My mom began dating 3 months after he died and she was remarried within 22 months of his death. It was incredibly difficult. I miss my dad now more than ever with my wedding in two months.

    All of that being said... She may be trying to make an effort by offering these items. She is likely treading lightly knowing this is difficult for you and she doesn't want to overstep and make you more upset. Money does usually come with strings. Who knows if this will. You DO have to allow her to sit with your dad as his date. You don't have to allow anything else.

    Perhaps just take the offer of the condo? That's not directly connected to the wedding so the strings for the actual wedding would be non existent.
  • You don't sound very sure that this will last, given that your dad may be seeing other women on the side. If the relationship doesn't last, will you still be able to figure out how to pay for the wine and the honeymoon? If not, then I would say it's too big of a risk to accept her offer to pay.
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  • edited July 2013
    You should listen to your gut. Thank her for her generous offer, but tell her you have it covered. I know it's tempting to take the offer of the beach condo, but I wouldn't do it, since you don't have a close relationship with her. For all you know, your father may end up bringing another date to the wedding.

    You don't, and shouldn't, include her in the family pictures. If your father brings her to the wedding, she should sit with him at the ceremony and reception. It would be very rude to separate them. I understand that means she'll be sitting in the place where your mom would have sat, but that doesn't mean she's taking your mom's place.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
                       
  • I personally would accept anything from her but I think she's being sincere.

    If for any reason she and your father break up or are on the outs, you're going to be out a place to stay on your honeymoon. I wouldn't want to plan like that.

    Yeah, you have to seat her with your father.

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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • I'm sorry for your loss. I empathize with you. I really struggled with the idea of letting my dad's gf sit with him at the wedding (my mom is still living, nasty divorce 5 years ago). I didn't want this woman feeling "special." I know how awful that sounds, but it's the truth. She didn't raise me, she barely knew me, and they did end of breaking up because she was after money and nothing else from my dad. I knew something was off about her- kind of the same feeling you have. I did decide that had they stayed together she would absolutely sit with him, but there was no way in this world I would have put her in family photos. You are ok there.
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  • I also agree with PP in that you shouldn't accept this women's generous offer.  If your dad is a cheater, she might find out and worse, might find out that you knew.  That might not make you look good if you accept gifts from her.  And, she will likely withdraw her offer if that happens and you might not have a backup.  Better to just leave her out of it to avoid a nasty situation, but it is a nice offer, so politely turn it down.     

  • LiLe422LiLe422 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited July 2013
    My mom passed away about 5 years ago. It's kind of complicated (and a long story) but my dad has had a slew of girlfriends since then. Nothing very serious, but....well it's all very weird. Anyone whose parent starts dating after the other dies would probably understand. 

    Anyway he's been dating this one lady for about a year or so, but he sees other ladies on the side (I don't know if she's aware, I don't necessarily agree with it, but not the point). He wasn't even sure if he was going to tell her I was getting married in case he wanted to bring another one of his ladies. He accidentally let it slip to her, so now he has to bring her and everything.

    So I've met this lady twice over the past year. The first time I met her, she was clearly very nervous and something about her rubbed me wrong. I don't know, it's weird after you lose your mom. If my dad would decide to remarry, I would want the woman to clearly show an interest in me and my siblings, get to know us, talk to us, etc, and she has not done that. However, she has offered to buy the wine for our wedding AND let us stay at her condo at the beach for a week for our honeymoon. Considering the very limited budget we are on...it is a tempting offer.

    I feel like this is going to put me in a weird predicament. I have met this woman twice: at the initial meeting, she didn't really seem to want to talk to me or get to know me. She hasn't made any effort in the past year to connect with me or get to know me at all. When I lived at home and my dad was dating her, she wouldnt come to the house (probably because my dad knew it would make me and my siblings uncomfortable.) 

    Anyway it's just kind of weird. I feel like she will want something in return. I don't want her having a special place at my wedding. I don't want her sitting next to my dad at the ceremony with the family. I don't want her in any family pictures. She can definitely afford everything she has offered us, but I dont know how comfortable I am taking it. I've met her twice, and she and my dad are clearly not that serious. I don't know if she is just trying to be nice...or what.

    I am sorry if this sounds mean or snarky, but it was incredibly difficult when my dad started dating again, just the way he went about doing it. I want him to be happy and everything, but it's just..ugh. Complicated. I know she won't replace my mom ever, nor will any other woman. I guess I just don't want her thinking she can be special on my day that I should be sharing with my mom...I think that's what it boils down to. 

    Any thoughts are appreciated.
    Umm, what?  So what are you going to do -- make her sit in the back?  I would re-think that one OP, or you will look like a major doucherocket.

    I would not accept her offer.  Thank her for the generous offer but tell her it is not what you had in mind.  I find it strange that you don't want much to do with the woman, yet you are considering her proposed gift. 


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  • LiLe422, thanks so much for looking out for me and making sure I don't look like a doucherocket! I had no idea that might look really terrible! 


    Seriously, planning a wedding without your mom sucks. And it sucks when another woman starts dating your dad and you aren't ready for it. But don't worry, I've got my big girl pants on and I'm dealing with it...I just thought that I could vent on this forum. I'll make a note next time to only say things that I am seriously considering doing, like perhaps incorporating the word doucherocket into my vocabulary as much as possible.


    BUT ANYWAY....I'm going to talk to my dad about this whole thing tomorrow and just let him know that it makes me uncomfortable and puts me in an awkward situation. Thanks for the feedback!
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