Maid of Honor??

andreagambardellaflynn

  My fiance and I have had an amazing journey during our wedding planning, but this last month has been so stressful since asking my (what I thought was) my best friend to be my maid of honor.  I do not keep a big group of friends, but my girlfriend and I have been friends for 12 years.  In the last 5 years I moved to NYC and she moved to San Francisco, but we still remained close and whenever we got together it was like old times.  

   I wanted to wait until she was back in town to ask her to be my maid of honor and I was so excited to do it, but when I asked she didn't act as excited as I had hoped for.  For the three weeks she was in town she kept on changing the subject when I wanted to discuss the wedding and I planned a day to go dress shopping and she was late a few hours causing me to only be able to try on two dresses and that was it.  She was trying to get me to buy a dress I didn't really like for what seemed like because she just didn't want to be there.  

  Then, right before she left she was explaining to everyone that she may not be back in town next year, even though my wedding is next summer.  My fiance saw my face drop and asked if she would be coming to the wedding and she said, "Oh yea I'll come back for a couple of days for that."  

   I am so upset, I have cried about it to my mom and fiance and they think it may be best talk to her about maybe not doing it if she is going to cause me stress and not be happy during what is suppose to the happiest time of my life.  I don't know what to do because I feel like this is tearing us apart more than bringing us together, but I also feel like if I ask her not to be or bring it up that she won't come at all and our friendship will be over.  Any advice? 

Jen4948

If she didn't seem as excited to be your maid of honor as you hoped for, you might well have either pushed things too hard or just asked at a bad time in her life that may be hard for her to discuss.  Maybe she's been to too many weddings lately, or she's having financial problems or just broke up with a boyfriend, or whatever.

In any case, it does sound to me like you pushed the dress shopping too hard.  You don't need her to be present when you do it.

But unfortunately, now that you've asked her and she's accepted, you can't kick her out without risking your friendship.  If she continues to give you the cold shoulder, plan around her and just hope she shows up wearing the right dress.  If she doesn't, she'll have taken herself out of the bridal party.

MairePoppy

Congratulations on your engagement.

Try thinking about this from her point of view. She planned a three week vacation in New York. She probably had plans, bar hopping, catching up with friends, museums, shopping and eating at her favorite places,relaxing etc.....She didn't know she was going to be shopping for a wedding dress. She didn't fly across the country to help plan a wedding. You took her off guard. Some women don't go gaga over weddings. Maybe she's one of those. Try to remember, going forward, that no one is going to be as excited as you are about your wedding. 

My advice is don't have that talk with your best friend. You asked her to be your MOH, she accepted. Kicking her out will put a damper on your relationship with her. Is it worth it? The next time you talk to her, leave your wedding out of the conversation. Ask her about her life. 

Figure out which of your friends enjoy talking about weddings and shopping for dresses etc....Invite them along for the wedding related stuff.

Viczaesar

AEGamby310@yahoo.com said:

  My fiance and I have had an amazing journey during our wedding planning, but this last month has been so stressful since asking my (what I thought was) my best friend to be my maid of honor.  I do not keep a big group of friends, but my girlfriend and I have been friends for 12 years.  In the last 5 years I moved to NYC and she moved to San Francisco, but we still remained close and whenever we got together it was like old times.  

   I wanted to wait until she was back in town to ask her to be my maid of honor and I was so excited to do it, but when I asked she didn't act as excited as I had hoped for.  For the three weeks she was in town she kept on changing the subject when I wanted to discuss the wedding and I planned a day to go dress shopping and she was late a few hours causing me to only be able to try on two dresses and that was it.  She was trying to get me to buy a dress I didn't really like for what seemed like because she just didn't want to be there.  

  Then, right before she left she was explaining to everyone that she may not be back in town next year, even though my wedding is next summer.  My fiance saw my face drop and asked if she would be coming to the wedding and she said, "Oh yea I'll come back for a couple of days for that."  

   I am so upset, I have cried about it to my mom and fiance and they think it may be best talk to her about maybe not doing it if she is going to cause me stress and not be happy during what is suppose to the happiest time of my life.  I don't know what to do because I feel like this is tearing us apart more than bringing us together, but I also feel like if I ask her not to be or bring it up that she won't come at all and our friendship will be over.  Any advice? 

Not everybody is into planning other people's weddings. 

Grabows14

No one will be as excited as you to plan the wedding... Sorry.

manateehugger

I've been a bridesmaid a number of times. I don't really care about wedding planning (I'm planning my own as quickly as possible so it's out of the way and I don't have to think about it), and am never really invovled in the wedding except for maybe the shower and the few days leading up to the wedding itself. Yeah, I like looking a dresses, flowers, etc. But planning? Nope.

She can be your friend and MOH without obsessing over your wedding.

foxfeathers

I've found that weddings are really a make-it-or-break-it time for friends. In the past six months people who always seemed more passive have thrown themselves headlong into the breach and people who have always been there have disappeared. Eventually all this fuss will be over, and your friends will still be there. 

I would talk to your friend about the wedding and say something like, "I felt like you weren't very excited about being my maid of honor, and that hurt my feelings." Simple "When you...I feel" statements are a good way to have a discussion around a thorny topic that might turn into a conflict. 

You might also say, "To me, the duties of a maid of honor are (whatever). Do you feel like that is reasonable? Is there something you would add or take away?" That might be a good way to start a dialogue and help both of you figure out if having her as your MOH is going to work for both of you.

 

lauraweston2

WOW! What a bunch of grumpy guses! Your MOH should be excited to be your MOH. If she's not excited it'll discourage you and others.

I was in almost THE EXACT SAME POSITION!! My long time friend (lives about 6hrs away) who I had asked a long time ago to be my MOH is now poopy, and grouchy, and really not excited at all. While my newer best friend couldn't have been more excited for me and us! She has ideas and plans and is extremely eager to go dress shopping! So I asked her to be my MOH (now i'm hit with the conflict of having 2 moh's so I don't recommend exactly this).

As far as the dress shopping that everyone is so crabby about, you planned it, you needed it done, and you would've appreciated her honest opinion. I don't see ANY problem with that. To get some of my bridesmaids excited about dresses I took them to shop/ try on their own wedding dresses and none of them are even engaged. IT WORKED! They loved it. Your friend was being a grouch and focusing on herself not you. Come on... HOURS LATE?! You've got to be kidding me.

If she's as close as you say you should be able to talk to her. Make sure she's okay. If something else is keeping her from being excited try to help otherwise ask if she'd prefer to do something less work-intensive.

I hope this helps and doesn't discourage you anymore. Don't listen to the crocodiles above! Your day, your way!

bakerie

lauraweston2 said:

WOW! What a bunch of grumpy guses! Your MOH should be excited to be your MOH. If she's not excited it'll discourage you and others.

I was in almost THE EXACT SAME POSITION!! My long time friend (lives about 6hrs away) who I had asked a long time ago to be my MOH is now poopy, and grouchy, and really not excited at all. While my newer best friend couldn't have been more excited for me and us! She has ideas and plans and is extremely eager to go dress shopping! So I asked her to be my MOH (now i'm hit with the conflict of having 2 moh's so I don't recommend exactly this).

As far as the dress shopping that everyone is so crabby about, you planned it, you needed it done, and you would've appreciated her honest opinion. I don't see ANY problem with that. To get some of my bridesmaids excited about dresses I took them to shop/ try on their own wedding dresses and none of them are even engaged. IT WORKED! They loved it. Your friend was being a grouch and focusing on herself not you. Come on... HOURS LATE?! You've got to be kidding me.

If she's as close as you say you should be able to talk to her. Make sure she's okay. If something else is keeping her from being excited try to help otherwise ask if she'd prefer to do something less work-intensive.

I hope this helps and doesn't discourage you anymore. Don't listen to the crocodiles above! Your day, your way!

You're a peach.

AddieCake

I don't quite understand the problem. She's coming back for the wedding, right?  Why were you in tears?

cmcole4509

I think it is understandable that you were upset because you want your friends to be as excited as you are. However, I do think that maybe you are getting yourself a little bit too worked up. She may have something else going on in her life, as several other people has said. Perhaps since she knows you are excited about planning your wedding she doesn't want to burden you with it, but it means she looks like she doesn't care. Or honestly maybe she doesn't care that much. But if she is going to be there to share you and you FI's big day with you, I think that's all you can really ask, especially because she lives so far away. I am going to have two MOH, my sister and my best friend since middle school. Both of them live about 13 hours away on opposite sides of the country (whereas I'm about smack dab in the middle), so they physically can't help me with anything. But I love them both and know they will be there on the big day. Just give your friend some time, and more importantly give yourself some time to calm down, and then I would suggest asking her how she is doing, how is her family/pets/job etc. Don't mention anything about the wedding. Then you can just tell her you feel like the two of you have been disconnected a little and you were concerned about her and wanted to make sure she was ok. If you bring up the wedding it will probably make it seem like you are only asking for you own sake and not because you care about her well-being. And as far as the dress situation goes, I definitely understand you being upset because you wanted to share that experience with one of your best friends. However, if you had an appointment or a time set, you technically could have gone in without her and tried on many more dresses. Or if you didn't like the two you tried, you could have made another appointment for another day. I'm sorry that you are so upset hun, but I think you just need to take a deep breath and relax and try not to stress yourself out so much. It will all work out in the end

andreagambardellaflynn

Thank you for the replies, but the problem is the first thing I told her after I asked her is that I don't expect her to pay for anything and I know that she is busy and across the country and unable to be involved.  I told her to wear a little black dress of her choice, but for her to want to party and go wild with her other friends the entire time she was in town and not care to even listen to what we have done so far in terms of planning (the place, food, etc,) is completely unlike her.  It is like she changed overnight.

Jen4948

AEGamby310@yahoo.com said:

Thank you for the replies, but the problem is the first thing I told her after I asked her is that I don't expect her to pay for anything and I know that she is busy and across the country and unable to be involved.  I told her to wear a little black dress of her choice, but for her to want to party and go wild with her other friends the entire time she was in town and not care to even listen to what we have done so far in terms of planning (the place, food, etc,) is completely unlike her.  It is like she changed overnight.

Don't use your email address as your screen name.

Aside from that, sometimes that happens when people tell their "closest" friends that they're getting married.  The "friends" stop being friendly and don't show interest.  It's hurtful, but do your best not to get hung up on this.  As long as she's there with you at your wedding and walks up the aisle and back with you, that's what's important.

msuprincess04

AEGamby310@yahoo.com said:

Thank you for the replies, but the problem is the first thing I told her after I asked her is that I don't expect her to pay for anything and I know that she is busy and across the country and unable to be involved.  I told her to wear a little black dress of her choice, but for her to want to party and go wild with her other friends the entire time she was in town and not care to even listen to what we have done so far in terms of planning (the place, food, etc,) is completely unlike her.  It is like she changed overnight.

What do you mean she's changed overnight? Have you planned a wedding before, or a big party where you were the center of attention?

If she's not interested, and you need someone to gush to, talk to your FI. It's his wedding too. Or come here. We love to talk weddings.

STARMOON44

@lauraweston2- you took your not engaged friends wedding dress shopping for themselves? That's a ridiculous waste of the salespeoples time.

astimmel

STARMOON44 said:

@lauraweston2- you took your not engaged friends wedding dress shopping for themselves? That's a ridiculous waste of the salespeoples time.

But STARMOON44, it's her day, her way!! And by "day" she means the entire length of engagement. I can't imagine why it's so hard for her BMs to stay in a frenzied, ecstatic state and putting aside their own lives for months on end.

OP, your friend didn't come into town to go over your wedding plans. She came into town on vacation. Every one of my vacation days is precious, and I would be pissed if I suddenly had to run errands. Because that's what it is. An errand. It's not her wedding, it's something on her "to do" list.

Did you even bother calling her before she arrived so she could schedule this stuff in? No, you asked her to be MOH when she got there and expected her to drop her other plans. If you keep acting like this, don't be surprised if she drops out.

MairePoppy

@lauraweston2- the sales people must have loved your group handling all those dresses when they had no intention of buying anything. Did you commandeer the whole shop for this nonsense? I call BS on your story.

AEGamy - your friend is entitled to spend her vacation time any way she wishes. It sounds like there were a lot of people she wanted to see. She didn't come to NY to do wedding errands. She didn't even know you were engaged. 

Bubbles2014

My MOH is supportive, but not excited. She will buy her dress, walk in a straight line and stand next to me for 20 minutes. That's all she has to do anyway. We tak about non wedding things, she occasionally asks about something wedding related and then we change the subject. She isn't big into weddings and has told me that I'll probably do more planning for hers than she will. And that is all OK. Not everyone is into weddings or dress shopping. Reach out to your MOH and see how she is doing. How's work? Her dog? Is she seeing anyone? Maybe she just doesn't want to talk weddings and if that's the only channel you're on she might be finding it easier to distance herself.

jlm9113

AEGamby310@yahoo.com said:

Thank you for the replies, but the problem is the first thing I told her after I asked her is that I don't expect her to pay for anything and I know that she is busy and across the country and unable to be involved.  I told her to wear a little black dress of her choice, but for her to want to party and go wild with her other friends the entire time she was in town and not care to even listen to what we have done so far in terms of planning (the place, food, etc,) is completely unlike her.  It is like she changed overnight.

If your friend experienced that dramatic of a personality shift out of no where, what you SHOULD be focusing on and worrying about is whether everything's okay in her personal life.

jlm9113

astimmel said:

STARMOON44 said:

@lauraweston2- you took your not engaged friends wedding dress shopping for themselves? That's a ridiculous waste of the salespeoples time.

But STARMOON44, it's her day, her way!! And by "day" she means the entire length of engagement. I can't imagine why it's so hard for her BMs to stay in a frenzied, ecstatic state and putting aside their own lives for months on end.

OP, your friend didn't come into town to go over your wedding plans. She came into town on vacation. Every one of my vacation days is precious, and I would be pissed if I suddenly had to run errands. Because that's what it is. An errand. It's not her wedding, it's something on her "to do" list.

Did you even bother calling her before she arrived so she could schedule this stuff in? No, you asked her to be MOH when she got there and expected her to drop her other plans. If you keep acting like this, don't be surprised if she drops out.

Hell, *I* haven't even been in an excited, frenzied state during the entirety of my engagement.