Groom wants a small wedding, Bride doesn't want one at all!

gaga4242

So I've been with someone for eight years and we finally decided to go for it. 

I work in the events industry and have seen every bridal suite/hall imaginable across the USA, so I can't imagine getting married in a wedding "factory" as we call them. 

My dream has always been to have a secret wedding somewhere far away with no guests or white dress and no hoopla. 

I don't need people to buy me things and will be requesting charity donations only to help homeless and hungry in my city. 

My guy is a bit more traditional and wants a small wedding with close family and friends. 

The thought of having to deal with invites, vendors etc makes my stomach churn. I would probably get so overwhelmed that I would stay in bed the day of!  

I am also against the idea of dumping money into the wedding industry that takes advantage of so many people's fantasy day.  

Has anyone had this experience and been able to come to a compromise? 

AddieCake

gaga4242 said:

So I've been with someone for eight years and we finally decided to go for it. 

I work in the events industry and have seen every bridal suite/hall imaginable across the USA, so I can't imagine getting married in a wedding "factory" as we call them. 

My dream has always been to have a secret wedding somewhere far away with no guests or white dress and no hoopla. 

I don't need people to buy me things and will be requesting charity donations only to help homeless and hungry in my city. 

My guy is a bit more traditional and wants a small wedding with close family and friends. 

The thought of having to deal with invites, vendors etc makes my stomach churn. I would probably get so overwhelmed that I would stay in bed the day of!  

I am also against the idea of dumping money into the wedding industry that takes advantage of so many people's fantasy day.  

Has anyone had this experience and been able to come to a compromise? 

Don't request charity donations. You shouldn't tell people what to do with their money. Don't register if you don't want to, but also do no associate charities with your wedding. 

You and your fiance need to compromise. You could do a small, simple wedding that would perhaps make both of you happy. 

gaga4242

Most brides ask for dishes and crap they don't need. Do you think thats ok? It is also telling people what to do with there money- but in a way that helps no one. 

tiny speck

Having a small, simple wedding doesn't mean you have to buy into the wedding industry. I think it's definitely possible to have a very minimalist wedding that will please both of you. You just need to have an open, honest discussion with your fiance about this. Don't wear a white wedding dress or have lots of fancy decorations if you don't want to. That's not what makes a wedding.

And I agree that you shouldn't ask your guests to make charity donations. If people give you cash, you can donate that money yourself.

misshart00

You could ask your fiancé to plan the aspects he wants and you guys could compromise. You don't have to buy into the wedding industry to have a wedding. You can get married in your backyard with nice clothes and send out personal stationary inviting people.

gaga4242

I am stubborn on the no guests thing. A secret wedding destination is so romantic and exactly what I want. 

I had never heard of wanting to have donations to charity instead of gifts to be a bad thing before! Guess if we don't invite anyone that takes care of that issue. haha

I would love to announce the wedding after the fact in a polite way, it's just that my dream wedding day would be just us 1 witness and a JOP! 

misshart00

If you don't want to compromise on the no guests thing, you really need to talk to your fiancé. This is not the first thing you'll have to compromise on.

tiny speck

gaga4242 said:

I am stubborn on the no guests thing. A secret wedding destination is so romantic and exactly what I want. 

I had never heard of wanting to have donations to charity instead of gifts to be a bad thing before! Guess if we don't invite anyone that takes care of that issue. haha

I would love to announce the wedding after the fact in a polite way, it's just that my dream wedding day would be just us 1 witness and a JOP! 

Is he just as stubborn about having his family attend? If so, you've got a problem. If neither of you are willing to compromise at all, I can't see how you'll have any wedding. And compromise doesn't mean you convince him to do it your way. It means you both have to give and take a little.

NYCBruin

gaga4242 said:

I am stubborn on the no guests thing. A secret wedding destination is so romantic and exactly what I want. 

I had never heard of wanting to have donations to charity instead of gifts to be a bad thing before! Guess if we don't invite anyone that takes care of that issue. haha

I would love to announce the wedding after the fact in a polite way, it's just that my dream wedding day would be just us 1 witness and a JOP! 

I understand that this is what YOU want, but it's HIS wedding, too. 

This will be one of the many things you'll have to compromise on over the course of your marriage.

Other posters have given some good suggestions to keep things small and/or not funnel money into the wedding industry.

Ditto PPs on the charity registry thing.  I have separate budgets for gifts and charitable donations.  I give gifts for completely different reasons than I donate to charities.  I also don't just blindly give to charities, I do a LOT of research before deciding what organizations are worthy of my time and money.

phira

Okay. Two MAJOR things right here.

You are not the only person getting married. It doesn't matter if you're stubborn--your fiance is getting married, too, and his desires aren't moot just because you work in the events industry. A wedding with no guests might be super romantic to you, but not to him. You need to get over this whole, "This is what I want and therefore we're doing it" business. Not a good way to start a marriage.

You can find ways to avoid the industry and have a wedding that makes you happy. It's not necessarily something that's EASY or DIFFICULT to do; it depends on your family and friends and your finances. But it's completely doable. Websites like Offbeat Bride and A Practical Wedding are excellent resources.

Don't want to get married in a hotel or traditional venue? Google quirky venues in your area. Ask on your local board. Have a ceremony in a local park and book a private events room in a nearby restaurant.

Don't want to deal with vendors? Have an apps/desserts wedding and ask friends to pitch in to help you make the food. Or buy some veggie plates and deli platters from the supermarket. Buy flowers from the grocery store and make your bouquet, or forgo one altogether. Make a playlist on iTunes or Spotify and ask a friend to man the iPod/computer. Thoughts of contacting the stationery store making you stressed? Design and print your own invitations. Screw calligraphy and address the envelopes in your own boring handwriting. Have a simple (free) wedding website so you don't have to deal with guests asking you lots of questions.

Don't want to spend thousands of dollars becoming the bride the industry insists you need to be? Wear your best, favorite dress or outfit. Or just hit up the department store for any dress you'd like to wear, white or not. Buy a bridesmaids dress instead of a wedding dress. Do your own hair and make-up. Wear shoes and jewelry you already own.

Don't want to register for plates and silverware? Don't. Registries are excellent for a lot of weddings because many guests don't know what to get for the wedding couple. And it helps avoid problems like getting five duvet covers you dislike.

HOWEVER, if you don't register, here's what'll likely happen:
1) Many people will still buy you home goods, like throw blankets and kitchen gadgets. They're less likely to buy you towels, silverware, or other huge purchases that they're not sure you'll like.

2) Many people will not get you a gift, thus avoiding the whole, "I don't want all this useless crap" problem you're afraid of.

3) Many people will try to get you gifts that are more tailored to your personalities and less likely to appear on a registry. My partner's brother and sister-in-law didn't register, so we got then an antique cookbook and a pillow cover from Etsy.

4) Many people will give you money.

And then you can donate the items you don't want to your local Goodwill, and you can donate all that money to charity. THERE I FIXED IT.

You can't ask people to donate to charity FOR you. Even a registry isn't telling people what to get you. A registry is quite simply an answer to the question, "Is there anything in particular you'd like if we got you a gift?"

calliopeia2013

Sample compromise: you, your FI, a JOP, and 10-20 immediate family members and close friends at the courthouse.  (Or in a park, your backyard, whatever.)  Dinner at your favorite restaurant afterward.  Wear a dress you already own.  Don't register.  The wedding industry isn't even involved.

gaga4242

The people on here who are worried about not getting gifts when I get married make me sick. 

You guys are exactly what I hate about the wedding industry and brides in general. 

You come off as selfish and greedy. "The less people I invite the less gifts I get" "How dare you ask for charity donations?" 

Sounds like you were greedy and selfish at your weddings and feel bad about not having done it.

As if getting married somehow makes you deserve gifts. It doesn't. Talk to me after ten years of a happy marriage that you make work, then you deserve a gift. 

There are websites for charity like I DO foundation that are very popular for a reason. 

I was not asking anyones opinion on charity registry because I am doing it no matter what instead of a gift registry. 

If anyone has an issue and wants to complain about donating money to help feed homeless and hungry in NYC they probably wouldn't be someone I would want at my wedding anyway. 

I guess I should know better to seek advise on a website as fickle at the knot anyway. 

NYCBruin

gaga4242 said:

The people on here who are worried about not getting gifts when I get married make me sick. 

You guys are exactly what I hate about the wedding industry and brides in general. 

You come off as selfish and greedy. "The less people I invite the less gifts I get" "How dare you ask for charity donations?" 

Sounds like you were greedy and selfish at your weddings and feel bad about not having done it.

As if getting married somehow makes you deserve gifts. It doesn't. Talk to me after ten years of a happy marriage that you make work, then you deserve a gift. 

There are websites for charity like I DO foundation that are very popular for a reason. 

I was not asking anyones opinion on charity registry because I am doing it no matter what instead of a gift registry. 

If anyone has an issue and wants to complain about donating money to help feed homeless and hungry in NYC they probably wouldn't be someone I would want at my wedding anyway. 

I guess I should know better to seek advise on a website as fickle at the knot anyway. 

So it appears that you came here looking for a bunch of bridezillas and are going to find them no matter what!  Despite all the evidence to the contrary.  

Actually, the poster that said "The less people you invite, the less gifts you will get," meant that if you have a smaller wedding, you're concerns about not wanting gifts will take care of itself.  She wasn't saying that you should have a bigger wedding to get more gifts.  She was pointing out that if you end up having a small wedding and no registry, your concern about not wanting gifts takes care of itself.

Lots of posters have given you good advice on how to avoid funneling money into the wedding industry and still have a small wedding.  If you don't want to compromise with your FI on your wedding, that's up to you, but if you aren't willing to compromise, I would advise against getting married at all.  Marriage is for grown ups.  Marriage is for people who understand that their wants aren't the only ones that matter.  

You may think that whatever cause you're involved with is super important, but that doesn't mean that your guests agree.  Also, FYI some of the worst offenders of charities that spend a ton of money on things completely unrelated to their "cause" are some of the most popular ones.  Don't assume that just because a charity is popular or well known, that everyone agrees with what they do or how they spend their donations.

If you don't want gifts and would like to make a charitable donation instead, here's what you do.  Don't register anywhere.  If people ask, you say "we aren't registered since we don't really need anything."  If people then give you cash or gifts, you donate those to the charity of your choosing.  

FYI you can donate to charity without telling all of your guests about it.  A private donation is just as helpful to the organization as a public one.  Your insistence on having a charity registry instead of just planning on privately donating any gifts you receive makes me think you care more about your friends and family thinking that you're a good person than the actual charity's cause itself.

tiny speck

Umm, what? No one told you to have a big wedding to get lots of gifts.

AddieCake

OK, looks like we have more residual

going on. Nobody told you to invite people to get gifts. WTF?

ETA: People DID tell you to consider that this is your fiance's wedding, too, however. But you're not interested in that. You want it YOUR WAY. Go to Burger King for that. 

manateehugger

What are the administrative costs for the charity? What does their operating revenue look like? What does their executive compensation look like? Who are their major donors? Are there requirements to qualify for this assistance? What is the break down of the demographics of the people they help? Do they have program evaluations open published anywhere? Is there a fee to donate? And the list goes on.

Charity donations are something that should not be taken lightly r quickly given.

You sound like you have major issues to discuss with your fiancé before thinking about using other people's money to fund your own causes.

misshart00

If you're going to do a charity registry, fine, whatever. We can't change your mind.

However, if you cannot compromise with your fiancé on what kind of wedding y'all are going to have, it's going to be a really hard marriage.

TKzilla

 

HisGirlFriday13

gaga4242 said:

I am stubborn on the no guests thing. A secret wedding destination is so romantic and exactly what I want. 

I had never heard of wanting to have donations to charity instead of gifts to be a bad thing before! Guess if we don't invite anyone that takes care of that issue. haha

I would love to announce the wedding after the fact in a polite way, it's just that my dream wedding day would be just us 1 witness and a JOP! 

I really hate to be the one to break this to you, but marriage isn't about getting exactly what *you* want. It's about compromise, and doing things for your partner because he or she wants to. No one person (should) get his or her own way all the time in a relationship.

As an example, I *HATE* going to church with my FI's grandmother. Hate it. For a bunch of reasons. (FTR, I am very active in my own church, as is FI). Prior to her little temper tantrum on Saturday, after which I am refusing to be in the same room as her until she apologises, FI and I had reached the agreement that we would go to church with her once every month or so. It makes her happy that we're there, and it makes him happy that I am doing something with him, and it makes me happy to make him happy. 

You and your FI need to find a way to compromise. There is a lot of middle ground between what you want and what he wants. Find some and set up camp there. 

Simply Fated

If you don't want gifts, don't register. Problem solved.
Setting up a charity registry for a charity YOU support is a gift to you. Still a gift, just in a different form.
If you truly want to be unselfish, suggest that your friends and family donate to their favorite charities, instead.

And that's the other thing... even if you elope, people still might want to get you a gift. You can't hide from them. So, using gifts as an excuse is moot. Donate cash gifts to your favorite charity. Donate boxed gifts to charity. Done and done.

As someone who works in the event industry you don't want a big event. I get that. It's the evil wedding industry... that you work for. That part confuses me.

Either way, don't have a wedding in a typical hall. Obvious answer is obvious. Go to a park, the beach, rent a loft, what ever. You don't need to hire a bunch of evil vendors. Plug in an ipod or skip music altogether. Have a reception at your favorite Chinese buffet. Think outside the box. I'm giving you plenty of things to think about because if your fiance is just as stubborn as you are, then you're going to need to figure out a way to compromise.

Jaunaj

I think many of you are missing the part where she has been with this man for 8 years.  I'm sure he knew her views on wedding and charity before he proposed. Donating to charity is never wrong. And for the record plenty of people ask to donations to a charity instead of a materialistic gift. Prince William and Kate Middleton did that at their wedding just like many other couples. The gift is supposed to be meaningful to the couple. I'm sure their loved ones know that they are passionate about charity and would love to support their endeavors. 

Let's try to remember that TK community is supposed to be about support and  helping others not beating someone else down with your own ideas.

Gaga4242 my advice is to sit down with your fiance and discuss this matter without all of the useless useless and unhelpful criticism.  You know and love this person and he understands you. There is a compromise that will satisfy both of your needs.  There are definitely ways to get around falling prey to the wedding industry.  I noticed that you're not interested in doing any invitations or other planning tasks-- perhaps you can dabble in the Moroccan tradition of having close family and friends working on different aspects of the wedding.  Maybe participating in a part of the wedding planning or the event itself can be their gift to you so you can avoid receiving gifts.  so basically you can ask that creative friend or family member create your invitations or have the people who are great cooks create a selection of foods for the reception. I know it sounds loopy but I've seen very successful examples of it here with non-Moroccans.

Good luck and be positive.  It'll all work out.