Not Engaged Yet

Pre-planning exception?

After lurking, I have seen that this board does not condone pre-planning, and I wholeheartedly agree... Until I saw an adorable news segment in which a man with pancreatic cancer was given only three months to live. He was terribly upset at the fact that he would not be able to be present for his children's future milestones, and wanted to do something that would allow his children to have him present during those events. He and his daughter (who is an adult, and is not engaged, nor does she have a boyfriend), decided to video record a father daughter dance for her wedding. I found this extremely touching, and I didn't think it fell under pre-planning (ie booking venues, etc.), but I wanted to see if this falls under the category of pre-planning, and if so, should it should be considered an exception?Thoughts? 
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Re: Pre-planning exception?

  • I read the article, and while I find it very very sad that her dad is dying, I'm not so sure whose idea this was. That aside ...

    I had relatives I was extremely close to die less than 5 years ago. I didn't pre-record anything because they weren't going to be at my wedding. Even with this recorded first dance, her dad won't be at her wedding and that is very sad, but she needs to find a way to deal with it.

    I'm not sure whether this is considered pre-planning or not. I do know that on some level, depending on who initiated the planning, this is BSC. If it was the daughter's idea, it's definitely BSC; if her dad's, it's somewhat understandable.
  • That video has been all over my FB lately. 

    I don't have a problem with it and I don't see it as pre-planning. 



  • I agree with Swazzle.  I see this as a way to have some extra memories with her father. I think actually wearing a wedding dress was a little odd, but whatever. It sounds like he enjoyed it, and that's what's important.
  • I think this is very sweet and don't think of it as pre-planning; it seems more about creating a special memory for the father and daughter to share than about her future wedding. I don't know whether she will choose to keep it as her own memory or whether she will play the video on the day she actually does get married, but either way I think it's a nice way to include him and his role in her life. Probably this isn't what everybody would choose to do if placed in the same situation, but I really can't side-eye this at all.
  • I agree with @swazzle but I think she should've 86'd the wedding dress (IMO).

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  • Her dad won't be there for so many things. It may not be the "real thing," but it's as close as they can get. I think it's lovely. I mean, it does seem a little odd that she bought a wedding dress and everything for it. I would personally feel really strange doing that. I might have just danced with my dad in the living room and recorded that instead. But different strokes for different folks.

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  • I thought the story was sweet, but agree with others about the wedding dress.
  • I don't think there's anything BSC or pre-planning about it, no matter whose idea it was. Considering he didn't even have the strength to tie his own shoes, but was able to dance with her is something that she will forever cherish and never forget. I got the impression that they filmed it so that they could play it at her wedding one day, and relive the memory - maybe that is the reason for the dress? I mean, it's not like she threw a full-blown PPD - she put on a dress and her dad got in a suit and they danced. I would guess they had a pretty close relationship and this is something that is really important to both of them. 

    I, for one, have toyed with the idea of eloping someday - and the one thing I know I would miss by doing that would be dancing with my dad. I would never think to do something like this, but I guess I can understand the sentiment. 



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  • minskat30minskat30 member
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    edited July 2013
    Having lost my dad to cancer two months before our wedding, I certainly empathize with this woman and know what she is going through.  That said, I don't know that the wedding dress was really needed....I certainly showed my dad a picture of me in my wedding dress as I knew there was a great likelihood he wouldn't see it in person the wedding day, which was, sadly, true but I don't think (personally) I could have had a "father/daughter dance" with him in advance of the wedding the same way he could never have pretended to hold my (currently non-existant) children....it just isn't the same thing.  I certainly don't begrudge her and her dad for having done so, however. 
  • I think the wedding dress is over the top. The thing is... this would have been too sad for me to watch on my wedding day. It's just, I dunno... I dont' really get it. But it's sweet that they got to have a dance together.
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  • I don't like it.  I missed one of my good friend's weddings cause she moved up the date because her dad was dying of cancer.  I was okay with that, but I wouldn't want to sit there watching a video of you dancing with your dad, whose death is probably pretty fresh in my mind.

    I'm also not a fan of "saving seats" at the ceremony/reception either though, so this is probably just me being a jerk.

    I don't think I'd be opposed to ya know, dancing with your dad.  But framing it in the wedding is what bothers me the most.  It's not really a pre-planning thing, though - it's a caring about your guests' feelings thing.
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  • @Bue & White said exactly what I was thinking.

    And to be blunt - her father still doesn't get to have the father-daughter dance with her at her wedding. This was just dress up and while I get the sentiments behind it and am sympathetic to the horrible pain this family is going through I just don't see this as a moment you can fake.

    As for playing it at her possible future wedding - I think that is a horrible idea actually. Weddings aren't memorials and I don't think they should be made into one. Playing a video like that would really cast a shadow of the happiness of that day.

    I don't think it's pre-planning though. It is really weird to me that she went out and bought a wedding dress though.


  • I wouldn't mind it at all if she didn't get all dressed up in a wedding dress.  It's wearing the wedding dress that bothers me.  I would be fine with it if they both together chose a song and they both wore something real nice, to have that memory of dancing with your dad.  Dress again unnecessary.

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  • Thanks to all who articulated part of what rubbed me the wrong way. The dress definitely did make a difference.
  • I wonder what she plans to do with the dress now. 



  • @bethsmiles I agree with you about weddings are not memorials.  A couple I'm friends with from high school who got married two years ago not only did the "seating saving" for the groom's twin brother who passed away from cancer at 15, but after the bride walked down the aisle, they played the full song of "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  The mood of the ceremony quickly went from joyous to extremely somber and lots of tears, and that was felt for the remainder of the day as people talked about how sad for the twin to not be there.
  • @bethsmiles I agree with you about weddings are not memorials.  A couple I'm friends with from high school who got married two years ago not only did the "seating saving" for the groom's twin brother who passed away from cancer at 15, but after the bride walked down the aisle, they played the full song of "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  The mood of the ceremony quickly went from joyous to extremely somber and lots of tears, and that was felt for the remainder of the day as people talked about how sad for the twin to not be there.

    That's terrible.  People kept asking me about saving a seat for my dad at the wedding...I would have burst into tears seeing an empty seat for him so I declined.  Playing a sad song about dying young?  Eeeek.
  • Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't feel quite 'right' about the video. I could see picking a special song and dancing to it, maybe even dressing up to do it, but a full on wedding dress, bouquet, limo, and people standing around watching you dance with your dad? It felt wrong. 

    With that said, I was blessed to have my dad to dance with at my wedding, if I hadn't had that, and he was sick, who knows what wacky things I would do. The thought of losing him (even though he isn't sick) can bring me to tears in a heartbeat. Maybe the fact that it's a national news story is the part that's wrong. If it had just stayed private, nbd.
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  •  I realized this morning that every wedding I've been to so far has included a special "in memory" moment of some sort. I've seen this done as the bride and groom lighting a special "memory candle" during the ceremony to a table covered in photographs of those who have passed at the ceremony and reception. Every wedding has made a special mention in the wedding program or ceremony  recognizing people who has passed on that the bride and groom wish could be a part of their day.

    Is this unusual? Sorry if this seems like a silly question.
  • I don't think it's unusual to have a mention in the program. I've heard of the table at the reception, but I've never heard of the "memory candle" during the ceremony, for what it's worth.
  • @jezziebeth - Our officiant mentioned my grandfather (he passed away right before H proposed and I was extremely close to him) and my aunt (she passed away a month before my wedding) as well as H's grandparents at the beginning of our ceremony. 





  • Thank you KeptInStitches.  In helping my best friend plan her wedding, it's been very interesting learning about how everyone's ceremonies and perceptions on "wedding traditions" are different.
  • At BF's cousin's wedding, the officiant mentioned the bride's grandfather in the homily. He had passed away I think less than 2 weeks before the wedding, and the bride stood at the altar in tears and her family was all crying, too. It wasn't happy crying, it was just plain ugly crying and very uncomfortable for everyone.

    My (future) officiant will be paid extra to not mention my dearly departed family members. I'm the vindictive sort who would withhold the whole sum if he/she did mention them.

    Which I guess all boils down to a "memory candle" lit as a special part of the ceremony could be very uncomfortable, and you kind of have to know your crowd and be careful to keep a wedding joyful.
  • I'm in the camp of it's sweet but think the wedding dress is odd. I get that it's a special thing that she wanted to give to her dad but I think buying the dress was a little over the top IMO.
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  • I just saw an article that she didn't buy the dress - it was loaned for the occasion. Her best friend has actually started a Go Fund Me account for people to donate to allow her TO buy the dress so she can wear it on her wedding day someday. 

    If that changes anyone's perceptions. 



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  • It makes it even weirder to me!

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  • BriSox81 said:
    I just saw an article that she didn't buy the dress - it was loaned for the occasion. Her best friend has actually started a Go Fund Me account for people to donate to allow her TO buy the dress so she can wear it on her wedding day someday. 

    If that changes anyone's perceptions. 


    Ummm, I was okay with the whole loaner dress until I saw the Go Fund Me account.

    If I was her, I'd buy the dress and donate it to someone who needs a dress like RIGHT NOW since she has all this publicity now, but that's just me.

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  • edited July 2013
    The more I hear about this, the more I feel like a cat who's been petted backwards.

    Edit: Because I know what homonyms are.
  • I agree with Buddysmom, the loaner dress seemed fine to me, but the moment the fund starts...That's a no. Just no. Hopefully she will either put a stop to it or donate the dress.
  • BriSox81 said:
    I just saw an article that she didn't buy the dress - it was loaned for the occasion. Her best friend has actually started a Go Fund Me account for people to donate to allow her TO buy the dress so she can wear it on her wedding day someday. 

    If that changes anyone's perceptions. 
     
    I had wondered this. Bridal Salons will loan dresses for styled photo shoots pretty often.
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