Yet another party?

mrsbizzz

We are getting married next spring in the midwest, where I am originally from. My fiance's entire family/group of family friends is from the east coast and we anticipate about a third of those invited from the east coast will be unable to make the trip. We expected this and opted to have our engagement party, which my fiance and I financed, at his parents' home in an effort to celebrate with those who we thought might be unable to attend.

Now his grandmother is essentially demanding that we have an after-wedding party on the east coast for those who couldn't make it to the wedding. While I'm sad that the location of the wedding will preclude some people from coming, I don't really want another party after the wedding. She has yet to indicate that she will pay for the party or plan it, so I am assuming (until told otherwise) that it will be up to us to make it happen. What's more, she wants the party to be the weekend after the wedding (we are not taking our honeymoon for a few months).

Although I think it's entirely unnecessary, I am willing to have another party as long as I don't  have to contribute financially or do any planning. If she brings it up again, how do I say this without sounding like I am demanding a party?

 

ETA: grammar corrections

OliveOilsMom

drmrs2014 said:

We are getting married next spring in the midwest, where I am originally from. My fiance's entire family/group of family friends is from the east coast and we anticipate about a third of those invited from the east coast will be unable to make the trip. We expected this and opted to have our engagement party, which my fiance and I financed, at his parents' home in an effort to celebrate with those who we thought might be unable to attend.

Now his grandmother is essentially demanding that we have an after-wedding party on the east coast for those who couldn't make it to the wedding. While I'm sad that the location of the wedding will preclude some people from coming, I don't really want another party after the wedding. She has yet to indicate that she will pay for the party or plan it, so I am assuming (until told otherwise) that it will be up to us to make it happen. What's more, she wants the party to be the weekend after the wedding (we are not taking our honeymoon for a few months).

Although I think it's entirely unnecessary, I am willing to have another party as long as I don't  have to contribute financially or do any planning. If she brings it up again, how do I say this without sounding like I am demanding a party?

 

ETA: grammar corrections

First, you should not have financed/hosted your engagement party, but that ship has long sailed.

You are under no obligation to host another reception for those who cannot make it to your actual reception.  What does your FI think?  This is his family.  Also, you don't have to have a big blow out party again.  The 2nd reception can be as simple as a backyard BBQ. 

Also, your FI should be dealing with his family.  So when his grandma calls about this, you should state that you need to discuss it with FI first.  Then HE calls back to tell grandma the decision you both decided on.  If you don't want to have the party, FI should say: "Granny, that is just not going to be able to be feasible for us.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the only reception we will be having will be the one immediately following our ceremony."

Curious, does grandma want this party because she cannot attend your wedding in person due to health or financial reasons? 

bethsmiles

Yeah, you shouldn't have hosted your own engagement party to begin with and what your FI's grandmother is suggestion is a much better option etiquette-wise but that ship has sailed.

I think the best option is to just stand your ground on this - or rather have your FI stand his ground because this is his family and he should be the one dealing with it.

southernbelle0915

drmrs2014 said:

We are getting married next spring in the midwest, where I am originally from. My fiance's entire family/group of family friends is from the east coast and we anticipate about a third of those invited from the east coast will be unable to make the trip. We expected this and opted to have our engagement party, which my fiance and I financed, at his parents' home in an effort to celebrate with those who we thought might be unable to attend.

Now his grandmother is essentially demanding that we have an after-wedding party on the east coast for those who couldn't make it to the wedding. While I'm sad that the location of the wedding will preclude some people from coming, I don't really want another party after the wedding. She has yet to indicate that she will pay for the party or plan it, so I am assuming (until told otherwise) that it will be up to us to make it happen. What's more, she wants the party to be the weekend after the wedding (we are not taking our honeymoon for a few months).

Although I think it's entirely unnecessary, I am willing to have another party as long as I don't  have to contribute financially or do any planning. If she brings it up again, how do I say this without sounding like I am demanding a party?

 

ETA: grammar corrections

If his parents offered to throw you an engagement party, that's wonderful. However, it's really tacky to host your own. Please don't do this. Also, be sure anyone invited to wedding related events get invited to the wedding itself - even if you know they aren't coming, they need to get an invitation.

You need to master the art of bean-dipping with grandma. Goes like this:

G-ma: "You need to have a party on the east coast the weekend after your wedding so family who won't/can't travel for the wedding can celebrate."

You/FI: "We hadn't planned or budgeted for that. Have you tried this bean dip? It's fantastic!"

G-ma: "But you NEED to have a party HERE!"

You/FI: "What kind of salsa do you think they're using in this? Yum!"

G-ma: "Party! Party! Party!"

You/FI: "I need this recipe, please excuse me."

Bottom line, it's extremely rude for g-ma to demand a party and you are not obligated to do this. If she wants to offer to host one in your honor, that's a different story. Then you can accept or decline her offer to host - your choice. Just avoid talking wedding with her. If she brings it up, bean dip her. She'll eventually drop it. If she doesn't, you flat out tell her you did not budget for it and you cannot travel for it. End of discussion.

mrsbizzz

Thanks for the comments, knotties! For clarificiation, my FI's parents technically hosted, we just pitched in financially because we wanted to do so.

@Olive - she is attending and even coming out to my hometown over Labor Day to visit my family.

NYCMercedes

Granny sou ds like a tough old bird! If she wants a party, she can host it. Have your FI tell her that next time she brings it up.