They knew and they did it anyway...

MobKaz

jeull64 said:

You can paint me as this horrid person who is rude and disrespectful.  I dont much care.  Its not everyone here that feels that way, since I have gotten private messages saying that they agree with me, but its not worth being flamed to agree with me in public.  Isnt that sad? 

My son and DIL live their own lives, and I am very proud of them for it.  I raised a strong willed young man who would tell me to stuff it if he thought I was intruding.   I am not trying to live through them or trying to have them conform to my standards.  To assume otherwise is well, an assumption.  How southernbelle is being treated isnt right, I havent ever said I agreed.  What I said was, really, is it worth this?   I dont think it is, but thats MY OPINION.

When I asked what she expected the outcome to be, its because I really dont think that there has been any thought put into it. 

Here is the thing, for voicing my opinion I have been harassed and flamed.  I have gotten NASTY messages and been attacked here.  I have been accused of not being equal to a bride, but "just a mother of the groom". 

Its not really what I thought this whole site was about, and thats really a sad thing.

I am done.  You broke another one who disagreed.  Congrats, your nastiness has made it a simple choice to log off and not come back.

Is it worth it to be shown respect??  Absolutely.  If one of your children went out of their way to call you a disrespectful name, would you tolerate it?  If they ignored your feelings, and continued to refer to you by that name, would you eventually "warm" to being called that name, or grow resentful?  This is not an occasional "slip" that Southernbelle has to tolerate.  It is a thoughtful and deliberate display of disrespect and ill will toward her.  

The expected outcome, at least from my point of view, would be a gradual resentment toward people who would enjoy disrespecting me.  That gradual resentment would turn to either hostility or indifference.  In either case, it is not company with whom I would choose to spend time.

This site is about honest feedback.  It is often given with some attitude when feedback is met with inane or provoking responses.  You get what you give here. 

For a newcomer, I am curious to know what you meant by "you broke another one".  To what others are you referring?

cruffino

jeull64 said:

You can paint me as this horrid person who is rude and disrespectful.  I dont much care.  Its not everyone here that feels that way, since I have gotten private messages saying that they agree with me, but its not worth being flamed to agree with me in public.  Isnt that sad? 

i love the "private messages" defense. reminds me of the "girlfriend in canada".

arrippa

cruffino said:

jeull64 said:

You can paint me as this horrid person who is rude and disrespectful.  I dont much care.  Its not everyone here that feels that way, since I have gotten private messages saying that they agree with me, but its not worth being flamed to agree with me in public.  Isnt that sad? 

i love the "private messages" defense. reminds me of the "girlfriend in canada".

I don't know if anyone saw Avenue Q, but now I want to sing the my girlfriend lives in Canada song.

On topic- this is where I would throw in the hitting my head on desk repeatedly gif. I am shocked that there are posters who are still arguing that OP should just give up and go by her not correct name. It doesn't matter if you think it's a non issue or if it doesn't bother you. It bothers OP, so they need to stop.

 

NerdyLucy

cruffino said:

jeull64 said:

You can paint me as this horrid person who is rude and disrespectful.  I dont much care.  Its not everyone here that feels that way, since I have gotten private messages saying that they agree with me, but its not worth being flamed to agree with me in public.  Isnt that sad? 

i love the "private messages" defense. reminds me of the "girlfriend in canada".

Yep. It's how you know someone is grasping for straws...

seastar15

OP, I'm sad that this topic has incited such nastiness from total strangers. I'd like to add my voice to the group that totally supports you - it angers me on your behalf that your IL have decided to totally disrepect you in this way. It is absolutely their choice to do so, and choices have consequences, which for you may look like not seeing them as often ("Sorry we can't make it to the family BBQ/get-together, we have other plans"), or a more cool relationship with you. I do not see either of those responses, on your part, as unreasonable. Maintaining boundaries with people who do not respect them can be awkward, and icky, but it's necessary. Really sad to hear they are treating you this way.

 

The website CaptainAwkward.com has some really great advice on dealing with holding and enforcing boundaries, including things to actually say when issues like this come up. Good luck in handling this issue going forward!

HuckSC

I have said this on here before that I have a double name. Think of Sarah Elizabeth* (not my real name). I do not like being called by just Sarah; I prefer Sarah Elizabeth. When I introduce myself to people I say hello I'm Sarah Elizabeth Smith. If they reply back nice to meet you Sarah, most of the time before I can say anything a co-worker of mine will jump in to say it is Sarah Elizabeth. They know how much it bothers me to not be called by what I would like to be called. Some people ask if I prefer both since I introduce myself with both. That is always nice because they just don't know.

I have this one contractor that I've been working with for 2 years. He goes by Chuck. But since he has never called me Sarah Elizabeth after repeatedly answering the phone and signing Sarah Elizabeth, I've always debated on starting to switch up what I called him. One day Hey Charles. The next time I talked to him, well Chucky it's been nice. Send him an email Charlie, glad you finally sent me this stuff. 

NeverNormal

southernbelle0915  What are you going to do?

ceceibson

I was a widow when I married my now DH last summer.  I did not take DH's last name. 

I also didn't take my late husband's name, but his parents insisted on calling me Mrs.HisLastName.  They knew it wasn't my name.  They didn't like the fact that I "rejected" their fine family name.  They would tell people I was just using my own last name professionally, that my legal last name was theirs. 

Nothing I or my late husband said or did changed their behavior and I eventually just let it go.

Here's the kicker, though.  They still send me mail addressed to Mrs.TheirLastName.  My late husband's mother still calls me Mrs. TheirLastName when she calls or sees me.

DH and I just laugh.  I don't know what point they're trying to make, but it's lost on us.

As for the OP on this thread, she has every right to expect her ILs to respect her decision.  From my own personal experience, though, I doubt they'll ever do it.

phira

A few additional thoughts:

1) The in-laws are the ones creating the problem here. SouthernBelle isn't actually doing anything wrong. It is perfectly legal, and increasingly socially acceptable, for her to keep her name the way it is and not change her last name to be her husband's last name. It is perfectly socially acceptable for her to expect to be called by her correct name, and for her to politely correct people who call her by the wrong name. Her in-laws are being intentionally rude because they disagree with her choice to keep her name the way it is. They are causing the problem. SouthernBelle came here asking for advice about how to handle it because her in-laws are being disrespectful and rude to her.

2) Names are simultaneously not a big deal and a huge deal. Sure, they're not a big deal in a lot of ways: it's just a collection of words that serve as an identifier so that it's clear that you're you and not that other person. It's just a name, so SouthernBelle wouldn't suddenly be a different person if her personal signifier changed slightly.

BUT names are also a huge deal. Case in point: her in-laws care enough about SouthernBelle's name to harass her about it, and she cares enough about her name to keep it the way it is. I feel very strongly about my full name, and I will not change my last name when I get married because I feel as if "Phira Hislast" is not the same person as "Phira Mylast."

So arguing that names are no big deal and suggesting that SouthernBelle is overreacting, or that she might want to change her last name to end this conflict is missing the point entirely.

3) I have friends who are trans*, and who have chosen their names carefully to reflect their identities. Calling them by their birth names would be BEYOND rude. Insisting that their names were incorrect, and that I was going to call them by their birth names because those were the correct names, would be friendship-ending.

Sometimes, we like the names we're given at birth. Sometimes, we don't like them. Sometimes, we're neutral about them. Some of us look forward to changing our names when we get married. Some of us don't. But intentionally refusing to call someone by the name they have chosen (whether they've chosen it by changing it or by NOT changing it) is disrespectful and not okay. No one has to EARN the right to be called by the name they have chosen.

PrettyGirlLost

SingleMom31 said:

Can I ask a silly question -- With the exception of this, how do your ILs treat you -- Are they otherwise loving, caring, great to you people, or is this one of many issues that you have with them?  If it's the former, whether you view this as being disrespectful or not, are you willing to risk that relationship over this?  If I were them and being called out for not addressing mail sent to the both you properly, I'd really pull back, would definitely judge, and probably treat you differently.

Here's another example - Our daughter's name is Isabella.  I hate Izzy and Bella, so we always call her by her full name or Isa (like Lisa without the L).  My dad doesn't get it... He spells her nickname Esa (which is how it sounds) or calls her Izzy.  I explained it once - Her name is Isabella, we shortened it to Isa.  Didn't work.  Now, I could keep correcting him, threaten to not let him see her, etc. because he can't even get her name right.  But, he's an awesome dad otherwise and is great with Isa, so I just shake my head and look at Izzy as his term of endearment.  I still hate the name and it's not HER name, but I know that the alternative is him not bothering with sending her mail, not sending me the nice card periodically telling me that I'm doing a good job with her, etc... I don't hate it that much. 

I'm not picking a fight here, but no one else- your daughter's teachers, classmates, etc.- are going to automatically call her Isa (EEsa).  That's a nickname you made up.

However, it ultimately doesn't matter what you wish for her to be called, or what nicknames you hate- it matters what your daughter wishes to be called.  So if her friends start calling her Izzy and she likes it, that's her prerogative.

That's the whole point of this clusterfuck of a thread.  It's common courtesy to call people by the names they wish to be addressed by- given names, nick names, and surnames.  What you or an IL or anyone else wishes to call someone, or feels is appropriate is irrelevant.

Address people properly.