my mom is my wedding planner.....

leideigh

hi all -

background: i'm an only child and my parents are paying for the entire wedding. i live in california with my fiance, his family lives here as well, however my parents live in hawaii where i was born and raised. we decided to have the wedding in hawaii, and as i said my parents are generously footing the whole bill.

that being said, my mom pretty much begged me to let her be my wedding planner. it's very sweet since she lives there and all, however i'm concerned that she'll ignore what i want (which she already kinda has) and we will have disagreements and both be stressed. she helped me tour venues, and respected what i want when i chose one, which is great. her enthusiasm is great too, but as well-meaning as she is she's pretty clueless about the wedding industry. not only that but she gets kinda judgemental about my ideas and everything becomes a stressful "discussion." 

(some examples: i chose three colors for my theme, and she had a major issue with one and stomped all over it and i had to convince her why it would be good... also i emailed her examples of some save-the-dates, and she ignored them all and wants to go with expensive DIY ones that i don't like.... etc.)

sooooo i've been thinking about talking to her about hiring a wedding planner/event coordinator with the idea that she won't have to "go it alone"... and i can work with them both. i want a professional with cool ideas who's worked with the venue and can help me be creative and make the wedding unbelieveable... not sure if my mom and i can do it on our own. is this a good idea? bad idea? advice? 

like i said i'm really happy and lucky to be having a fabulous destination venue and really excited parents who are paying for the whole thing... but i really don't want it to be my mom's wedding

anyone have experience with this? advice? thanks in advance.....

allispain

There's a saying that you're likely going to get in a lot of responses to this post: "Those who pay get the say." What this means to everyone is a little different. There are people who think that, essentially, your parents would have to right to do whatever they want regardless of what you envision for your wedding. There are others, myself included, who see it as your parents having input on all major decisions (and maybe even minor ones that they care about) but that they should hopefully respect your wishes.

I was also fortunate enough to have my mom pay for my entire wedding. There were times when it was frustrating, because, like you, I felt like I had to justify the things I was planning to do or planning on not doing. However, we talked about them because she had a right to know what her money was being used for. She did make some requests that I wasn't keen on at the time, but they were all small things that in the end didn't make any difference to me on my wedding day.

Now, I planned my wedding myself, with my mom's input (and obviously DH's as well) so there was never any wedding planner. Had my mom suggested being mine, I would have immediately suggested that we hire a professional. Part of this would have been for the reason you mention, in that I too would have been worried that it would turn into my mom's wedding and not mine. However, a large part of it would be because my mom would have no clue about who the best vendors are, what is considered a good price and what is outrageous, etc.

I recommend that, if you decide you want to hire a coordinator, that you bring it up with your mom in a relaxed, non-confrontational manner. You can say that you think it would really help to have the expertise of someone who knows the industry, since you're feeling a bit unsure about it yourself. If you put the focus on how you're feeling regarding the planning process, as opposed to how she's currently doing in trying to handle it, it might be more convincing.

Good luck with the planning!

NYCMercedes

Yes to a planner, just to keep your relationship with mom. I've had tons of experience with this, all from the mom side. You're planning on paying for that, right? Be careful how you approach mom on the subject. Tell her this is your gift to her, to help keep her stress down, to make it easier on her, etc. Also, do plan on paying for some things yourself, such as save the dates. They should really reflect your own couple "personality".

winelover123

Those who pay do get the say. That being said, if a decision doesn't affect price (like the color scheme) I think you can certainly stand your ground and say, "Mom, this is what FI and I have decided. It's not up for discussion." Pick and choose your battles.

delujm0

At a minimum, you need to hire a day-of or month-of planner.  Your mom is not going to want to deal with putting out fires on her daughter's wedding day, or coordinating arrivals/departures/set up/clean up with vendors, etc.

 

You may find that some planners' partial planning or full planning packages aren't all that different in price from their day or month-of planning package...i have a partial planner and it is magical.  Basically i do the legwork on meeting with and choosing my vendors, but instead of needing to spend hours and hours researching vendors for EVERY SINGLE THING, she sends me a list of about 3 people who fit with our vision for each item, and i go from there.  She will also deal with all of the wedding-weekend events and coordination, including cleaning up and returning rentals, etc.  Well worth it.

leideigh

hi everyone!

thank you SO much for your input.... very appreciated and considered.

i ended up talking to my mom about it of course... actually, she brought up recent "stress and confusion" so i saw my opportunity and jumped... and she agreed! i am so happy and relieved!

i took y'alls advice and gave her a lot of wiggle room, made her think she had a lot of power, and emphasized the importance of our relationship in this process... and i framed it so we could see each other as a creative team to be girly and have fun and have someone else do the "legwork and heavy lifting."

it was a huge relief... we were both laughing about it and i even admitted i was nervous bringing it up. if anything, i feel like our bond is stronger now! i know i'm going to have to make a lot of concessions for her, but she does as well.....

so long story short, it went great! being open and honest in communication and wants/needs vs. relationship/stress was hugely beneficial!

thanks again lovelies

allispain

Glad it worked out for you!

leideigh

thanks, me too! hopefully the great advice on this thread can help others