Stepping down as MOH

rach2185

I'll try to make this long story as short as possible. I've been friends with the bride for 11 years.6-8 weeks after getting engaged her and her FI decided to do a destination wedding in MX. 

Before her engagement we hadn't been super close. She invited people to her shower that she didn't invite to her wedding even after I told her twice that it is not proper etiquette for her to do this. She didn't care and said she would invite who she wanted. This resulted in very few people showing up. Plus a very expensive trip to Vegas for her bach is in the works.

I did my best dealing with it and talking her off ledges.  Obviously this isn't everything and there have been plenty of other reasons why I have chosen to step down. I feel like the friendship has run it's course and I was initially planning on just letting the friendship drift after the wedding which i dont feel is fair to either of us. I haven't told her yet, will tell her tonight, but here is where my dilemma is. I have the dress and I planned on giving it to her (even though I paid for it) because she is the type of person to replace a girl (this already happened early in the process and she is no longer friends with the girl who stepped down) I think she will even give the MOH title to another girl. After reading the boards today I see most believe to keep the dress since I paid, but with the wedding only being 40 days away she won't have time for another girl to buy a dress. I thought that would be the considerate thing to do. I have already cancelled the flights and the hotel reservations for the wedding. Also, she gave us BMs gifts over the weekend. I got something extra the other girls didn't get that is pretty expensive and I plan on giving that back too, just not sure what to do about the dress.

KeptInStitches

It would be generous to give the dress back, and she sounds like the kind of person who would talk crap about you being your back if you didn't. That being said, I couldn't blame you if you didn't return any of it - the dress, the BM's gifts, anything.

NYCMercedes

rach2185 said:

I'll try to make this long story as short as possible. I've been friends with the bride for 11 years. We have had our friendship breaks over the years for a couple different reasons, but finally put everything to rest 3 years ago. After that we talked about how we would be each other MOH's, etc. She has been with her now FI for 2 years. I was the first person she called when she got engaged and I was very happy and excited for them. I even started a Pinterest board to start organizing wedding ideas. Unfortunately fairly soon after her getting engaged she started to equate MOH with Wedding Planner/Coordinator. Also, 6-8 weeks after her and her FI decided to do a destination wedding in MX. 

Dresses have been purchased, flights to Vegas (bought by me) have been purchased, shower has been thrown and things have progressively gotten worse with her. Before her engagement we hadn't been super close. She hung out with bf/FI friends and also expected me to go to them. This is typical behavior for her. She invited people to her shower that she didn't invite to her wedding even after I told her twice that it is not proper etiquette for her to do this. She didn't care and said she would invite who she wanted. This resulted in very few people showing up. She also told 2 of the BMs that she works with that she expected liquor at her shower and that it had to be blue (wedding color). She HAD to go with the girls to get their dresses hemmed because she didn't trust our judgment on how much to take off the dress. Plus in the middle of all this she plans her own extremely expensive bachelorette party. Nicest Vegas hotel, cabana rentals being expected, has to fly, etc.

I did my best dealing with it and talking her off ledges. The push really came when she kept insulting previous gifts I had given her (concert tickets). I told her she was being rude and she brushed it off. Then after agreeing to drive home with another BM from Vegas bach party I found out she had already booked her plane ticket home without letting me know and I'm not friend with said BM. Obviously this isn't everything and there have been plenty of other reasons why I have chosen to step down. In my heart I can't be a part of a wedding when I have lot so much respect for the person I'm supposed to be standing next to. I feel like the friendship has run it's course and I was initially planning on just letting the friendship drift after the wedding which i dont feel is fair to either of us. I haven't told her yet, will tell her tonight, but here is where my dilemma is. I have the dress and I planned on giving it to her (even though I paid for it) because she is the type of person to replace a girl (this already happened early in the process and she is no longer friends with the girl who stepped down) I think she will even give the MOH title to another girl. After reading the boards today I see most believe to keep the dress since I paid, but with the wedding only being 40 days away she won't have time for another girl to buy a dress. I thought that would be the considerate thing to do. I have already cancelled the flights and the hotel reservations for the wedding. Her and her FI are well off and she can afford to pay for her own flight so I do not feel that this is an issue. Also, she gave us BMs gifts over the weekend. I got something extra the other girls didn't get that is pretty expensive and I plan on giving that back too, just not sure what to do about the dress.

CN, pls.

rach2185

Oh she will talk crap. I know this already. We had an incident a few years back where she just went off and said I was a bad friend (I wanted to leave my birthday early and she didn't want to). The gift wasn't exactly anything I'd use or very personal in thought so I have no problem giving that back. It sucks losing the money on the dress, but at this point it is totally worth it and if she wants to give it to someone else I'm totally ok with that.

KeptInStitches

Yeah, but no point in giving her additional ammo, which is why I guess I agree with you giving back the dress and gifts.

cbrown828

I would ask her if she'd like to buy the dress from you.

misssunshine17

Send her back the gifts, but I see absolutely no reason to give her the dress back. YOU paid for it. Let her talk crap. If she's as crazy as you say, other people will not to not really listen. 

WildMagelet

It was nice of you to consider giving it back.  Personally I'd probably keep it since you paid for it but if she asks offer to sell the dress to your replacement as a favor to her.  She can talk bad about you all she wants - it will only reflect upon her and not you.

MyNameIsNot

Give back the gift, but keep the dress.  If she asks you for it, offer to sell it to her or to the understudy.  If not, list it on ebay, unless you want it.  

Hopefully having a second person drop out of her WP should be a wake up call, but I doubt it.  

mimiphin

Sorry stupid question, What does CN mean?

Maggie0829

mimiphin said:

Sorry stupid question, What does CN mean?

CN=cliff notes

OP, I would personally keep the dress.  You paid for it so it is rightfully yours.  I wouldn't give it to her so it is easier for her to replace you.  That is just fueling her immature, bad behavior fire.  But I would give back your BM gift.  It would be like if the couple called off the wedding, they don't have to give back their attire but they should give back the gifts.

If the bride wants the dress then I would tell her she can buy it from you for the full amount you paid.

I really don't think it matters what you do or how you handle this situation she will still talk shit about you.