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Destination Weddings

Invitation lists - DW and AHR

Hi Guys,

We are planning a DW and later a casual reception back home. I feel like we should just invite everyone to both, but my FMIL thinks we should only invite some people to the wedding and then all to the local reception. I'm worried that may seem rude and think that people can decide for themselves what they want to go to, but she is worried people might feel obligated to come to the DW (and that it seems gift grabby).

Did you have separate lists for your DW and AHR (if you had one), or did you invite everyone to the DW from the get go?

Also, did you invite less people to your DW then you would have had you had a local wedding, or did you invite everyone you would have invited to a local shindig?

Thank you!

Re: Invitation lists - DW and AHR

  • I think either way can seem gift grabby, if the invitee wants to feel that way. If I were invited to just the AHR, I would still bring a gift, and maybe be bummed that I wasn't invited to the destination. That said, you know your peeps. If your venue can hold them, and you can afford it, go ahead and leave the decision to your guests. If not, don't overextend yourself. What if too many people say yes?

    I'm inviting people in tiers. Family is tier 1. Have to be invited. They make up 100% of the space availability. As some of them RSVP no, I'm going to send out invites to the friends. Only tier 1 get save the dates. I'm also not doing an AHR, but that's because one day of being the center of attention is already too much for me.
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited August 2013
    Nope. I have one list. There's 100 people on it. 

    To answer your other question, I invited everyone I would have invited had the wedding been closer. Destination weddings come with a downside, they are just as expensive as at home weddings if you have the same amount of guests. So, it's a choice, smaller destination wedding (and small AHR) or large wedding (and AHR). To invite some to one and not the other is "gift grabby" and rude. It's like saying someone is good enough to shower you with attention and gifts, but not to actually see the wedding. 
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • Thanks guys - this is so helpful! I think you're right, icecreamcono, that people will take it however they want regardless.  How early did you have your RSVPs? Did your friends already know you were planning a DW so they kind of knew when they got an invite?

    Fortunately our venue (and budget) can fit everyone so we will see.

     All of your perspectives are very appreciated!
  • I haven't started the process yet, but all of my guests know it's a destination and most of them have given a verbal indication of whether they think they can make it. 

    I read something on Huffpost that said if someone tells you they can't go, it's rude to send them an invite. I think that is 100% BS. It's better to let them know they are welcome, and then let them make their own decision. Circumstances change.

    I'm asking for my RSVPs four months in advance, but I'm sending the invitation two months before that to give some time for the second tier of invites.
  • I agree! I think circumstances always change and you never know someone's situation. I would rather let them decide.

    I think my FMIL is assuming the trip is too costly for some, but ultimately it's up to them. No one really knows other people's finances and what they like to spend their money on.
  • I haven't started the process yet, but all of my guests know it's a destination and most of them have given a verbal indication of whether they think they can make it. 

    I read something on Huffpost that said if someone tells you they can't go, it's rude to send them an invite. I think that is 100% BS. It's better to let them know they are welcome, and then let them make their own decision. Circumstances change.

    I'm asking for my RSVPs four months in advance, but I'm sending the invitation two months before that to give some time for the second tier of invites.
    For the first, I agree completely. 

    For the second, that's a little crazy to ask for an RSVP 4 months in advance. Your invitations shouldn't even go out at that point. Are you B-listing people?

    The timeline doesn't change between a traditional and DW. 

    Save the dates go out 12-10 months ahead. (Mine went out in July)
    Invitations go out 8-6 weeks in advance. (Mine will go out in February)
    RSVPS are 1-2 weeks before the numbers are due to the caterer, generally 2-4 weeks in advance. (My caterer only needs 2 weeks notice, our RSVP date will be in late April)
    Wedding is May 17. 

    If that helps at all. 

    Our Save the Dates went out to everyone invited, because we are assuming it'll be a little late by the time the invitations roll out. 
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • I am B-listing people. I know that's controversial, but family has to come first, and my parents friends know that and have done it with their kids as well. 

    Since we are getting married in Italy,guests will need that extra time for hotels and especially flights. So, I know it's super early, but if they don't know by January whether they are going, then they aren't going.

    It might all end up getting pushed to February, but that is as late as it could possibly go.
  • The problem with demanding an RSVP so early is that circumstances change, and they might find the time/money/whatever to go in those last 4 months. You obviously don't think 4 months is too late to book travel arraignments anyway because you would still be inviting people at that time.

     

    The excuse "well others did it, so I can" is never really a good excuse.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • That's not an excuse. It's a precedent. There's a difference. It's expected in our circle. We have a venue that can hold 50 people. We have 50 people in our family. Once people say they can't go, why wouldn't we open up the invitation to others? But family has to come first.

    We won't still be inviting people 4 months out. We'll invite more people as we get the 'No' RSVPs, which will hopefully come in a steady stream. We will have everyone invited before Christmas, thereby still giving the b-list people a month to decide.
  • While I don't necessarily agree with your method I won't stop you. 

    However, I'm wondering about your hope of RSVP's coming in steadily that way you have enough time to pass along invites to others. The only reason why I say that is because if your family is anything like my family, you'll be lucky to get any responses at all. Almost no one sent us RSVP's and my husband and I ended up chasing them down well after the due date. 

    So if you really are adamant about sending out the invites so early to B-list people, I would look at the RSVP history for your family of past events as an indication of what to expect this time around. I learned the hard way that most people don't take RSVP dates seriously and just get back to you when they feel like it. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Oh, totally. I have this on lock. Most of my family is very expedient. They like to have clean inboxes. Countertops are spotless. Very Type-A. Those will be the ones we know about within two days of sending the invitations. There are the outliers, who we will be lucky to ever see an RSVP, and I have separated them from the overlap. But also, since we will be sending things before Christmas, when we make our Christmas phone calls, I think we will really get an idea of who will be there. And give those who haven't yet RSVP'd to verbally do so.
  • Well consider yourself lucky! I wish my family was that organized when it came to RSVP's. The rsvp issue was the biggest headache for us! 

    Good luck with your plans. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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