Non-invite RSVPed, delicate situation...

lizzzbeee

Hello everyone. My wedding is in two weeks. I just got the last of my RSVPs, and one of the people we invited is our priest who will be officiating the wedding. She said that she will be coming, along with her husband. We did not invite her husband. I was told that since our wedding is not really formal, and that it is int he afternoon, it would be fine not to include her husband on the invite. We have never seen him or spoken to him.

I don't know what to do about this. Our budget has been stretched past its maximum and I am really stressed out. Our venue also has a maximum amount of people and we can't accomodate any more. How do I approach this, since she is officiating?

MayDay513

lizzzbeee said:

Hello everyone. My wedding is in two weeks. I just got the last of my RSVPs, and one of the people we invited is our priest who will be officiating the wedding. She said that she will be coming, along with her husband. We did not invite her husband. I was told that since our wedding is not really formal, and that it is int he afternoon, it would be fine not to include her husband on the invite. We have never seen him or spoken to him.

I don't know what to do about this. Our budget has been stretched past its maximum and I am really stressed out. Our venue also has a maximum amount of people and we can't accomodate any more. How do I approach this, since she is officiating?

I would call her, apologize for the oversight and invite him. They are technically a social unit, and so if she is invited, he should be too.

KeptInStitches

She should have been invited with her husband in the first place. Since she is officiating, I would be even more inclined to follow this etiquette rule. Is there anything you can do to stretch the budget, even at this late stage?

misssunshine17

He should have been invited. You need to cut something else and accommodate him. 

ElcaB

This was an oversight on your part. He should have been invited and planned for. You're still two weeks out, so find a way to cut something to afford to host him. Sell something on Craigslist if you have to. 

What is the cost per person? I mean, is it really that high that you cannot afford one more? And honestly, will this one person really make your count over the venue's capacity? 

lizzzbeee

We can't stretch anything more. DF's transmission recently broke and it cost us $3000. Work has been cutting our hours. I can't afford this. I don't know what to do. I realize I violated etiquette by not inviting him but I do not know what to do.

RebeccaB88

Yes, someone gave you horrible etiquette advice.  He should have been invited from the beginning. You need to apologize and make sure she knows her husband is invited. There is (almost) never a reason why someone's spouse can reasonably be excluded.

MayDay513

lizzzbeee said:

We can't stretch anything more. DF's transmission recently broke and it cost us $3000. Work has been cutting our hours. I can't afford this. I don't know what to do. I realize I violated etiquette by not inviting him but I do not know what to do.

You should simply invited him. I get that it is one more person, and you are over budget. You should have planned a wedding you could afford and you should have invited him in the first place. But that's seriously all said and done now. Make room for him.

LDubHawksFan

But really how much is one more person going to cost? I would extend the invite and eat Ramon for the next 2 wks.

Maggie0829

Look I realize your budget has been stretched but one more person is not going to stretch it to the point that it breaks.  How much does it cost you per person?  Can you decrease the size of your floral arrangements?  Can you return any favors you may be doing?  Can you decrease your bar to just beer and wine?  There are always things you can do to make room in your budget for one more person.

This was you oversight and you need to rectify it by including her husband.

lizzzbeee

Cost is $106 per person. I guess I'll go call the venue then.

Our reception supposed to be a luncheon (about 1 hr long) in a small event facility, and that is actually a low price for my area. We already aren't going on our honeymoon. Our credit card is almost maxed out.

MayDay513

lizzzbeee said:

Cost is $106 per person. I guess I'll go call the venue then.

Our reception supposed to be a luncheon (about 1 hr long) in a small event facility, and that is actually a low price for my area. We already aren't going on our honeymoon. Our credit card is almost maxed out.

Can you swap something out on your menu for a cheaper option. $106 per person for lunch sounds absolutely crazy. I'm sorry you are stressed and maxed out your credit card. This is really a hard way to start out your life together.

lizzzbeee

Bar has been reduced to beer and wine already. There are no floral arrangements, we are using the house arrangements which were only $10 a piece. There is no limo. We've already cut everything.

I know we invited too many people, but it was too hard to cut people out because it is mainly family attending. We had a good hold on this until the transmission broke and work hours were reduced.

Antyhing else I could cut out that I might now have thought of?

LDubHawksFan

Wow $106/person for lunch?! Our steak/fish dinner and all you can drink for 5 hours in So. Cal. was not quite that much! I understand you are stretched thin but it's the right thing to do especially for someone officiating your wedding. Good luck!

lizzzbeee

Our cushion was $1000 that went into the transmission, same with the $2000 for honeymoon. Also, FMIL and FFIL promised to take care of the rehearsal dinner bill but they just told me they can't. So another $800 goes to that.

southernbelle0915

lizzzbeee said:

Cost is $106 per person. I guess I'll go call the venue then.

Our reception supposed to be a luncheon (about 1 hr long) in a small event facility, and that is actually a low price for my area. We already aren't going on our honeymoon. Our credit card is almost maxed out.

It sounds like the issue isn't really this one extra person. It sounds like you and your FH have run into some hard times and the wedding is costing more than you expected. At this point, I would cut anything you can. 

Return anything you bought but isn't absolutely necessary (decorations, fancy shoes, etc.). 

Do you own hair, your own make up, your own nails. 

Exchange any BM/GM gifts for something smaller. 

Downgrade any flower order you may have placed. 

Skip programs and favors

Ask your venue if it's too late to change to cheaper entrees (I doubt it if you haven't submitted your final numbers), eliminate any bar you were going to host, etc.

Those are just some ideas to get you started. I'm sure there's $106 in there somewhere for your officiant's husband. I would definitely apologize to her for the oversight.

lizzzbeee

I know I did wrong, but I am just so stressed and freaking out. We've had a really bad year and everything started to happen when we were already locked into deposits.

MayDay513

lizzzbeee said:

Our cushion was $1000 that went into the transmission, same with the $2000 for honeymoon. Also, FMIL and FFIL promised to take care of the rehearsal dinner bill but they just told me they can't. So another $800 goes to that.

Well why don't you just cancel the party? If they said they are hosting and they aren't/ can't afford it then it sounds like a canceled dinner. If not cut down the menu here too.

lizzzbeee said:

Bar has been reduced to beer and wine already. There are no floral arrangements, we are using the house arrangements which were only $10 a piece. There is no limo. We've already cut everything.

I know we invited too many people, but it was too hard to cut people out because it is mainly family attending. We had a good hold on this until the transmission broke and work hours were reduced.

Antyhing else I could cut out that I might now have thought of?

I suggest swapping out items on your menu. Beer and wine is fine.

Maggie0829

Cancel your rehearsal then.  The only people who really need to rehearse anything is the officiant and you and your FI.  And even that is a stretch.  The day of your officiant could give a quick summary of how things are going to go to both groups (bride side and groom side).  That way you save $800 by not have a a RD.

melbelleup

lizzzbeee said:

Our cushion was $1000 that went into the transmission, same with the $2000 for honeymoon. Also, FMIL and FFIL promised to take care of the rehearsal dinner bill but they just told me they can't. So another $800 goes to that.

I don't know how you see a rehearsal dinner being $800.. my FMIL and FFIL are giving us a $500 check to do with as we want... (they are from 3 hours away and have never been to my area) we're having catered food at my SIL's house...and even with the most expensive things we can think of will only spend roughly $200-300

lizzzbeee

Thank you everyone. Sorry about all this, I'm a mess. I agree that there are good ideas here.

Are you sure it is okay to cancel the rehearsal dinner?

melbelleup

lizzzbeee said:

Bar has been reduced to beer and wine already. There are no floral arrangements, we are using the house arrangements which were only $10 a piece. There is no limo. We've already cut everything.

I know we invited too many people, but it was too hard to cut people out because it is mainly family attending. We had a good hold on this until the transmission broke and work hours were reduced.

Antyhing else I could cut out that I might now have thought of?

Don't use centerpieces- I'm sure people won't mind and it saves you $$ you need elsewhere

Maggie0829

Or if you still want to have the rehearsal and RD then just have some pizza and soda back at your place and only include those that absolutely have to be there for the RD.

lizzzbeee

True, I think I will do that. We'll be okay if we order pizza and soda.

FGMIL won't be happy about that, but she's not attending it or paying, so I guess I shouldn't care. Haha.

melbelleup

lizzzbeee said:

True, I think I will do that. We'll be okay if we order pizza and soda.

FGMIL won't be happy about that, but she's not attending it or paying, so I guess I shouldn't care. Haha.

YEP! No money = no say. Don't worry and do what you can afford.

southernbelle0915

Maggie0829 said:

Cancel your rehearsal then.  The only people who really need to rehearse anything is the officiant and you and your FI.  And even that is a stretch.  The day of your officiant could give a quick summary of how things are going to go to both groups (bride side and groom side).  That way you save $800 by not have a a RD.

This. You definitely don't need a rehearsal (and therefore a RD). If you decide to have one anyway, host something really simple like pizza and beer in your backyard and only invite immediate family and people involved in the rehearsal. It will definitely not cost $800.

ETA - lol Maggie, jinx! great minds...

KeptInStitches

Pizza's fine for the rehearsal dinner. Is there any way you could go to a dry wedding as well? I hurt for you - financial troubles can go suck it.

KDM323

Yep  - I'd cancel the $800 rehearsal dinner and do pizza at your house.  That is more than acceptable and you will then have a tiny bit of breathing room after including this spouse.

Hang in there...you're almost there!

lizzzbeee

Thank you everyone, I feel so much better. Talked to DF and he's good with hosting a pizza dinner at our apartment. I've learned the hard way that financial troubles come at the worst times. We'll make it work though so that we aren't being rude/stepping on any toes!

southernbelle0915

lizzzbeee said:

Thank you everyone, I feel so much better. Talked to DF and he's good with hosting a pizza dinner at our apartment. I've learned the hard way that financial troubles come at the worst times. We'll make it work though so that we aren't being rude/stepping on any toes!

You'll get through it OP. Come back and AW wedding pics when it's all said and done!!

Maggie0829

lizzzbeee said:

Thank you everyone, I feel so much better. Talked to DF and he's good with hosting a pizza dinner at our apartment. I've learned the hard way that financial troubles come at the worst times. We'll make it work though so that we aren't being rude/stepping on any toes!

And I will just say that I have been to quite a few RDs and a pizza dinner sounds so much tastier (and also more fun) compared to any that I have been to

Money problems suck at any time but especially at times when you are already stressed or worried.  In the end, it will all be good.