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Wedding Party

Backing out of a wedding

I am a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding that is in 2 weeks, and I want to back out. The bride has been rude, insensitive, and selfish through the entire planning process to her bridal party, her mother, and her fiance. There are too many instances to recount, but in short her behavior has made me feel like disrespected hired help and not like a valued friend. Aside from the wedding, the bride is completely unresponsive and unavailable. She has been a no-show on several long-standing plans (one of her BM's bday party, lunch with friends, etc) without a call or apology. The only communication I have received from her in months has been e-mails from her with instructions about the wedding, all messages which are bossy and passive aggressive. I am embarrassed to tell people I am friends with her. 

I had given up on this friendship weeks ago but hadn't really considered backing out of the wedding. Although I'm angry and upset, I didn't want to create more drama. However, things have been getting worse as the wedding gets closer. BMs have been receiving more and more instructions (and never a call to chat or check in as friends): what to wear to the rehearsal dinner, not to drink alcohol until the wedding so we don't get bloated, stay away from salt so our skin doesn't break out, stay out of the sun so we don't get tan lines, etc etc and (this was actually said, not implied by me) to put our hurt feelings aside so she can enjoy the wedding. I am so disgusted by her behavior and saddened at the loss of someone who was a good friend - I don't think I can stand beside her and support her in good faith.

Any thoughts?


Re: Backing out of a wedding

  • Personally, I'd back out. It sounds like you're done with the friendship, and would rather not deal with anymore crazy-I wouldn't either.
        If however, you think you may at some point down the road want to be friends again, I would stay in.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers Name Dropper
    member
    You can back out now, or you can go through with it and let the friendship cool naturally after the wedding. Either way, you'd be in the right based on the way you've been treated, and I feel sorry for you. I called off a friendship with a bride over less, but I went through with the wedding. I don't know if I could in your shoes.
    Blue_Bird
  • She sounds awful but I believe in keeping your commitments. You know, two wrongs don't make a right?
    tammym1001melbelleup
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I don't blame you for wanting to back out. 

    If you back out now, that automatically ends the friendship, although you'd be justified if you want to do that, because she hasn't treated you like a friend. 

    But if there's any chance she might resume sanity after the wedding, you might want to continue as her BM and then wait and see if your friendship can be salvaged at that time. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I am a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding that is in 2 weeks, and I want to back out. The bride has been rude, insensitive, and selfish through the entire planning process to her bridal party, her mother, and her fiance. There are too many instances to recount, but in short her behavior has made me feel like disrespected hired help and not like a valued friend. Aside from the wedding, the bride is completely unresponsive and unavailable. She has been a no-show on several long-standing plans (one of her BM's bday party, lunch with friends, etc) without a call or apology. The only communication I have received from her in months has been e-mails from her with instructions about the wedding, all messages which are bossy and passive aggressive. I am embarrassed to tell people I am friends with her. 

    I had given up on this friendship weeks ago but hadn't really considered backing out of the wedding. Although I'm angry and upset, I didn't want to create more drama. However, things have been getting worse as the wedding gets closer. BMs have been receiving more and more instructions (and never a call to chat or check in as friends): what to wear to the rehearsal dinner, not to drink alcohol until the wedding so we don't get bloated, stay away from salt so our skin doesn't break out, stay out of the sun so we don't get tan lines, etc etc and (this was actually said, not implied by me) to put our hurt feelings aside so she can enjoy the wedding. I am so disgusted by her behavior and saddened at the loss of someone who was a good friend - I don't think I can stand beside her and support her in good faith.

    Any thoughts?


    Holy shitballs.  Well, you would be well within your rights to back out.  Is this typical behavior from her?
     
    If you're not worried about losing the friendship, then proceed as you wish.  Sorry you're dealing with this.
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    PrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • Thanks, ladies, for all the advice. It helps to hear some different perspectives from those uninvolved in the situation. I very much agree with the point about honoring your commitments - that was something I had not considered. I believe I will go through with it for this reason at least, although I'm dreading to think of how I'll be treated in the hours leading up to the actual ceremony. Or perhaps it won't be as bad as my imagination makes out (hopefully). I do sincerely hope she cools after the wedding, so perhaps by staying in I will allow for that to happen...but the damage is done. Even if she comes around, I don't think I will be willing to include her in my inner circle of friends anymore. Burn me once, shame on you; burn me twice, shame on me. It's sad that weddings do this to some people!
    ShesSoColdBlue_Bird
  • She sounds like a douchebag. I would back out, too.

    d2va
  • Thanks, ladies, for all the advice. It helps to hear some different perspectives from those uninvolved in the situation. I very much agree with the point about honoring your commitments - that was something I had not considered. I believe I will go through with it for this reason at least, although I'm dreading to think of how I'll be treated in the hours leading up to the actual ceremony. Or perhaps it won't be as bad as my imagination makes out (hopefully). I do sincerely hope she cools after the wedding, so perhaps by staying in I will allow for that to happen...but the damage is done. Even if she comes around, I don't think I will be willing to include her in my inner circle of friends anymore. Burn me once, shame on you; burn me twice, shame on me. It's sad that weddings do this to some people!

    I had a friend of 14 years that acted like this in the lead up to her wedding day. She threatened to kick bridesmaids out because they weren't acting "interested" in the wedding, amongst other things.

    Most of us haven't talked to her since, nor has she reached out to us. So I guess that is the end of things. We all still showed up for the wedding day, played nice, smiled for pictures...drank the heck out of the free drinks...

    d2va
  • OP that really sucks. I agree with PP who said you should ignore her ridiculous demands, suck it up for the day of the wedding, and avoid the drama it would cause to back out. She seems like the type to throw a holy hissy fit so just leave that can of worms unopened. 

    I think this post should be made a sticky @Knotporsha or @secretmods
    NYCMercedesDreamergirl8812Blue_Bird
  • Since you know you're losing the friendship anyway, I actually would pull her aside and see what's up. I think part of a friend's job is to call you on our sh*t, and man is she ever giving you some serious sh*t. Maybe give her a call and say, "Hey, Bride, I was wondering if we could talk about the wedding. I know it's really important to you, but you've been making some kind of unreasonable requests and you haven't really been a great friend lately. Is something up?"

    Of course, this is only if you feel like it. If not, just ignore her, do the minimum to get through the wedding, and let the friendship die. Sorry you're in this situation!
    svc2014Blue_Bird
  • What Maggie said. Just defuse the situation right now by ignoring her more ridiculous requests, but fulfilling your role.

    After the wedding, the bridezilla hat will hopefully come off. Talk to her then.

    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • No joke, it sounds like you and one of my co workers are in the same wedding. She is getting directions down to what they need to wear the bridal luncheon, the pictures after the bridal luncheon, and specific sandals they need to wear during the reception. She's also gotten the stay out of the sun instructions and directed to go to a tanning bed instead. The bride also got upset that they werent spending enough on her for her bachelorette party, so she didn't feel special enough.

    Since it's so close, I'd try to stick it out. Though she sounds awful, it's only a few more weeks at this point. I agree with Maggie that waiting until after to talk to her about her behavior, is best. Talking to her before will probably only make it worse if this is how she has been acting so far. 
  • Stick it out, it's only two more weeks. Do you best & smile for the camera and crowds, if nothing else do it for your other friends & the couples families. Hopefully her behaviour will return back to normal after the wedding. You've already spent the money on the dress and propably on other things, once dinner is over, get out on the dance floor and have a blast. If you are still miserable, you can always slip out (Sorry but I'm really not feeling good, my stomach is really upset & I'm nausash, I need to go home).

    Good luck, hopefully it's just extreme bridezilla and she'll be back to normal afterwards.

  • davisse3 said:
    No joke, it sounds like you and one of my co workers are in the same wedding. She is getting directions down to what they need to wear the bridal luncheon, the pictures after the bridal luncheon, and specific sandals they need to wear during the reception. She's also gotten the stay out of the sun instructions and directed to go to a tanning bed instead. The bride also got upset that they werent spending enough on her for her bachelorette party, so she didn't feel special enough.

    Since it's so close, I'd try to stick it out. Though she sounds awful, it's only a few more weeks at this point. I agree with Maggie that waiting until after to talk to her about her behavior, is best. Talking to her before will probably only make it worse if this is how she has been acting so far. 
    This makes absolutely no sense!!
  • Salsera29 said:
    davisse3 said:
    No joke, it sounds like you and one of my co workers are in the same wedding. She is getting directions down to what they need to wear the bridal luncheon, the pictures after the bridal luncheon, and specific sandals they need to wear during the reception. She's also gotten the stay out of the sun instructions and directed to go to a tanning bed instead. The bride also got upset that they werent spending enough on her for her bachelorette party, so she didn't feel special enough.

    Since it's so close, I'd try to stick it out. Though she sounds awful, it's only a few more weeks at this point. I agree with Maggie that waiting until after to talk to her about her behavior, is best. Talking to her before will probably only make it worse if this is how she has been acting so far. 
    This makes absolutely no sense!!
    Tan lines. She also got told not to wear a watch out in case she got tan lines from it. 
  • She sounds like a bridzilla. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he stress of the wedding is getting to her head. After the wedding if she is still difficult I would cut her as a friend. She does not seem like the type of person you need in your life.
  • How long have you been friends with this person and has she ever acted this way before?
  • She sounds like a bridzilla. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he stress of the wedding is getting to her head. After the wedding if she is still difficult I would cut her as a friend. She does not seem like the type of person you need in your life.
    I don't buy this. It's a damned party essentially. How could it turn you into Mr. Hyde? There is no justification for treating your friends like sh*t on the bottom of your shoe.
  • BACK OUT!!!! NOW!!!!
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