Dressing Our Girls

jmb3

I need some advice/suggestions PLEASE!! :-) This is our second marriage and my fiance and I are getting married (just the two of us) on the beach. When we come back we are having a reception and a ceremony to include our daughters with a pledge/commitment to them, unity sand with all of us and a small gift maybe a ring or necklace for each one of them.

 We have 5 girls (two 9 yr olds, 11, 12 & 16). I have NO idea on dresses. I know their favorite colors and we were going to decorate the reception area with the paper ball lanterns in their favorite colors (at least that's the thought at this moment). They all have different styles and obviously the 16 y/o will dress differently than the younger girls...

Do I choose one color family and let them pick their dress color/style in that color family?

Choose Ivory (my dress color) with sashes and let them choose their sash color?

Let them choose their favorite color/style?

I want it to look good/blended for pics but I do want to have them help choose and be happy and feel beautiful in their dresses.

 

Thanks for any suggestions you have!
Jamie

 

Viczaesar

jmb3 said:

I need some advice/suggestions PLEASE!! :-) This is our second marriage and my fiance and I are getting married (just the two of us) on the beach. When we come back we are having a reception and a ceremony to include our daughters with a pledge/commitment to them, unity sand with all of us and a small gift maybe a ring or necklace for each one of them.

 We have 5 girls (two 9 yr olds, 11, 12 & 16). I have NO idea on dresses. I know their favorite colors and we were going to decorate the reception area with the paper ball lanterns in their favorite colors (at least that's the thought at this moment). They all have different styles and obviously the 16 y/o will dress differently than the younger girls...

Do I choose one color family and let them pick their dress color/style in that color family?

Choose Ivory (my dress color) with sashes and let them choose their sash color?

Let them choose their favorite color/style?

I want it to look good/blended for pics but I do want to have them help choose and be happy and feel beautiful in their dresses.

 

Thanks for any suggestions you have!
Jamie

 

I don't understand.  Why are you having your daughters dress in a specific way for the party?

jmb3

We are doing a pledge/ commitment to the girls. We are not doing our vows again for show or otherwise. We are NOT having a pretend ceremony at the reception/party. We will have a video of our beach ceremony.

jmb3

We will be getting family pics done the day of the reception. I didn't say I was dressing them a specific way, I'm asking for suggestions. The girls want to wear "fancy dresses" as they put it.

misssunshine17

Is this pledge private? If not, it is a fake ceremony, which is super tacky. 

Also, don't make the girls make some commitment or give them rings or anything weird like that. I think stuff like that is crazy creepy. 

Are you wearing your wedding dress to the party? That's also a no-go. 

jmb3

Wow....that's news to me. I have read several things and talked to several people who had beach weddings and a reception back home and they all said you wear your wedding clothes. Its interesting the different opinions and advice. Hmm I think I'm more confused and frustrated than when I started.

jmb3

Help me understand what is tacky about committing to the kids from a previous marriage and blending two families as one? I've seen it done and read about it and it seems sweet and like a positive thing. Its our second marriage so we chose to elope and have a getaway/honeymoon. Our kids want the reception party bc they want to wear fancy dresses, have cake and a DJ so that's what we are doing to celebrate. I thought it would be a nice surprise for them if we did the family pledge/commitment.

KeptInStitches

The thing is, the vows you and your FI are making are between you - not your kids. They might want the party, but springing a family pledge/commitment on them isn't necessarily fair. It's better to ask if they want to have a family pledge ceremony.

OliveOilsMom

I would skip the family pledge/commitment ceremony you are planning.  Just show some pictures from your elopement, most guests probably won't want to watch the video of it.  It just broadcasts that the people in attendance at your party were not good enough to attend your ceremony.  So leave that for just the two of you.

And wearing your wedding attire is ok, as long as your dress isn't a huge ball gown or something overtly wedding-y.  If you are wearing a more simple cocktail dress - I think it's fine to wear your wedding dress again.  I also think its fine to allow your girls to dress up for this party.  Hire a photographer, if you want.  Have cake, just don't do a big cake cutting and feeding it to each other.  Have music, just don't have a first dance, however, you can start the dancing with your new H and invite all other guests to join you.

KatWAG

jmb3 said:

We are doing a pledge/ commitment to the girls. We are not doing our vows again for show or otherwise. We are NOT having a pretend ceremony at the reception/party. We will have a video of our beach ceremony.

Another vote for 'this is creepy.' The commitment is between you and your FH. If you want to have a celebration, fine. But it won't be a reception so a big white (or ivory) dress, bridesmaids, cake cutting and first dances would all be inappropiate. Throw a party. Get your friends and family together, serve good food and dance.

Edit: spelling

itzMS

Another vote for please don't do a public pledge to your daughters.

 

Take them to Macy's during Easter/Prom season (this is probably the best time...but really, go whenever), and let them each pick out a dress that fits their personality.

Then, swing by the fine jewelry department and let each pick out a birthstone (or other age appropriate) necklace to wear.

You and FI can write them each a note expressing your love, if you'd like.

Dreamergirl8812

Ditto PPs, but the only thing I have to add is why make things so complicated? Why not just get married and then be done with it? Is it just guilt from getting married without everyone there (this is a general question to all the people who need like 8 different events to feel married)?

jmb3

We are having immediate family and only close friends. We chose to elope because of the feedback we got from family and friends since this is our second marriage and we also didn't want people to feel like they were obligated to travel for our ceremony. We aren't cutting cake, actually will have cupcakes most likely, and food, we are having a DJ but none of the traditional wedding stuff (no special dances, toasts, garters or bouquets). My dress will be ivory, chiffon and more simple/beach appropriate.

Maggie0829

I get that you want to celebrate the joining of two families but I honestly think that if you really want to involve your kids you should have them present for your actual wedding and not have some pledge/commitment ceremony later.

manateehugger

You know what really binds a family together? Spending time together, not creepish commitment ceremonies.

Why not do a special familly lunch/dinner before or after the wedding? Why not ask your kids to stand by you during your wedding?

jmb3

Good ideas, thanks.

artbyallie

It is inappropriate to have a commitment ceremony with your kids. They are children and unable to consent. And really, you're their parents. There is no need to publicly commit any further. I vote for awesome fun party; skip the ceremony!

SKPM

PDKH said:

You know what really binds a family together? Spending time together, not creepish commitment ceremonies.

Why not do a special familly lunch/dinner before or after the wedding? Why not ask your kids to stand by you during your wedding?

I suspect that OP and her FI are planning to travel to an exotic beach resort somewhere, have the elopement ceremony, and stay a while for their honeymoon. Not that I condone the family commitment ceremony by any means (PPs have covered this extensively), but I can understand not bringing their 5 kids along on the honeymoon trip.

misssunshine17

I get that they're probably going away, but they're parents and I just don't see how they so desperately want the daughters involved but don't want them at the actually ceremony, but want them at a creepy fake ceremony in front of people. Lame. 

southernbelle0915

With the exception of the family commitment ceremony, I think this plan sounds fine. You're eloping and throwing a party when you get back without any first dances, cake cutting or any other wedding stuff - nothing wrong with that. If your dress is really bride-ish (long train, poofy/princess dress, etc.) I wouldn't wear it. It kind of sounds like it's not and it's more of a casual dress that's ivory, which I think is fine. Just don't wear a veil or anything that makes it look like you're trying to be a bride, KWIM?

As far as your kids go, skip the commitment ceremony. Especially if it's a surprise. I know you mean well, but this is something that I think is better said to them in private conversation. And really, it goes without saying. You and your FI are getting married. It is assumed that in those vows, you are bringing together two families and committing to each other and each others' lives (including the kids). 

Back to your original question on what they should wear... I'd just let them pick whatever they want. Dictate a level of formality and approve it. If you want to, tell them "blue" or "green" and they can go from there. But I always think kids feel best when they can make their own choices without restrictions.

doeydo

Sorry, but what if you two get divorced?  Then that commitment ceremony was just for shits and giggles and your kids no longer have the others as sisters and they no longer have a step-dad and his kids no longer have a step-mom.  Not to mention the fact that they are children and when they are older might not agree with what they pledged when they were only 9 years old...

jmb3

Their mom won't let them go with us! I'm amazed at the fact that I asked about attire and coordinating for pics and I get blasted about this and that being tacky or creepish. Not sure how many of you are entering a second marriage but when other parents are involved its not always easy to do what you think is best. We want to include the girls in anyway that we can and we spend A LOT of time with them.

itzMS

jmb3 said:

Their mom won't let them go with us! I'm amazed at the fact that I asked about attire and coordinating for pics and I get blasted about this and that being tacky or creepish. Not sure how many of you are entering a second marriage but when other parents are involved its not always easy to do what you think is best. We want to include the girls in anyway that we can and we spend A LOT of time with them.

Understandable. I wouldn't want my minor child going with my ex to a foreign country.

It still doesn't make it okay to have a committment ceremony with them. Sorry.

manateehugger

SKPM said:

PDKH said:

You know what really binds a family together? Spending time together, not creepish commitment ceremonies.

Why not do a special familly lunch/dinner before or after the wedding? Why not ask your kids to stand by you during your wedding?

I suspect that OP and her FI are planning to travel to an exotic beach resort somewhere, have the elopement ceremony, and stay a while for their honeymoon. Not that I condone the family commitment ceremony by any means (PPs have covered this extensively), but I can understand not bringing their 5 kids along on the honeymoon trip.

Right but that was kind of my point - either have a wedding ceremony where you can involve your children, or just have some family time with them later. No creepy commitment ceremony.

You make your priorities and you make your choices.

Maggie0829

jmb3 said:

Their mom won't let them go with us! I'm amazed at the fact that I asked about attire and coordinating for pics and I get blasted about this and that being tacky or creepish. Not sure how many of you are entering a second marriage but when other parents are involved its not always easy to do what you think is best. We want to include the girls in anyway that we can and we spend A LOT of time with them.

When you post on a public forum be prepared for your entire post to be commented on, not just the question you asked.  Look I get you want them to feel included into this new family, but if I were one of the young kids, I'm sorry but no matter how much I like you, being a part of a commitment ceremony would just be odd, like you are trying to take the place of my Mom.  I know that is not what you are trying to do but that is how some young children could see it.

Look, have your wedding and then have your AHR but don't do the commitment ceremony. Honestly, that is really more for you and your FI then it is for the kids.  The way you make the kids feel a part of a family is not be a ceremony but by being together and doing fun things as a group (which I see that you do).  A commitment ceremony will not bring you any closer then you already are.

misssunshine17

jmb3 said:

Their mom won't let them go with us! I'm amazed at the fact that I asked about attire and coordinating for pics and I get blasted about this and that being tacky or creepish. Not sure how many of you are entering a second marriage but when other parents are involved its not always easy to do what you think is best. We want to include the girls in anyway that we can and we spend A LOT of time with them.

**Can't get out of box:

So freaking have the ceremony where they can be there. I don't see how this is that difficult. 

Jen4948

jmb3 said:

Their mom won't let them go with us! I'm amazed at the fact that I asked about attire and coordinating for pics and I get blasted about this and that being tacky or creepish. Not sure how many of you are entering a second marriage but when other parents are involved its not always easy to do what you think is best. We want to include the girls in anyway that we can and we spend A LOT of time with them.

This doesn't justify a public commitment ceremony.

Do your daughters want to do this?  I have yet to read anything that says that they do, let alone make vows in public.  Don't try to force them into it just because of what their mom does or doesn't let them do.  Either ask them and take their feelings into consideration, or don't do it at all.

ceceibson

If I was marrying someone with children and their custodial parent refused consent for them to leave the country, I would be getting married here.  If I were the child of someone who chose to leave the country to marry, leaving me behind, no commitment ceremony would ever heal that hurt.

My DH and I both brought children to our marriage.  I was a widow with young children, he was divorced with grown children and grandchildren.  Our children and grandchildren escorted us to the altar.  The officiant said "who presents these people to be married."  The children and grandchildren [all 12 of them] said "we do", then sat down.

They all wanted some small part in the celebration, this felt right to all of us.

Liatris2010

If you and your FI want to make a private pledge to the girls, I think that is fine. I think doing it in front of people ruins what should be an intimate family moment, and I think asking children to make vows or promises to adults is unfair because as children they don't have the ability to consent to life-long promises. I'm saying all this not really clear on what your plans are.

As for having a party to celebrate the marriage, I think that is fine, so long as there is no ceremony/reenactment. Personally, I think wearing your wedding dress is AWish, but aside from making yourself look like an AW, it is a victimless crime.

So, assuming you are just looking for dresses for the girls, I say let them pick out the prettiest party dresses you can afford.

kmmssg

If your commitment ceremony only involves promises from you guys to the kids, I have no problem with that. I only see an issue if the children are expected to make any kinds of vows or promises. I wish I would have thought to turn to my SDDs at my wedding and promise them to respect their mother and her place in their lives, and to promise to always be there for them. That's not creepy or overboard. OP, I would have them each choose their own style in their dresses.

itzMS

kmmssg said:

If your commitment ceremony only involves promises from you guys to the kids, I have no problem with that. I only see an issue if the children are expected to make any kinds of vows or promises. I wish I would have thought to turn to my SDDs at my wedding and promise them to respect their mother and her place in their lives, and to promise to always be there for them. That's not creepy or overboard. OP, I would have them each choose their own style in their dresses.

I still think this is out of place.

What happens if you happen to disagree with their mom over something at some point? What happens if you and their dad get divorced? Things happen, and these words mean a lot to kids.

I won't even go into bringing up the ex-wife in vows at your wedding (glad you didn't end up doing this)